Thoughts

I'm feeling a bit strange today. I still feel like I'm on the verge of doing something. Does it still count if you're feeling motivated, but you haven't actually done what you're motivated to do, yet? =) Unfortunately I won't have time to do a lunchtime walk today, didn't yesterday and won't have time tomorrow, either. That can get a bit frustrating when you just want some fresh air!

For some strange reason, last night I decided to have a look at the fat acceptance blogs on my reader. I hadn't looked at them in months. I only look at them when I feel a certain way, or when I want to feel a certain way. The last few weeks, I've been busy and stressed. Stressed about many things, not the least of which is clothes! There are some social occasions coming up. Occasions where what I wear will be important. Important to other people, and to me. I feel there will be other women there who'll be paying attention to what I'm wearing. Not my close friends, of course, but I think there'll be some who are interested in what "the fat chick" is wearing, and comparing themselves to me. Finding points where they're 'better' than me to make themselves feel better. I know women do it all the time, heck, I sometimes find myself doing it!Often when I see another fat girl in public, I look to see what she's wearing, etc. And often I see her looking at me and I wonder if she's doing the same. And I think, why can't we be friends and support each other, instead of playing off each other like that??
There's also the comic convention coming up in a few weeks. Husband is dead-set on going. I dream about one day wearing a beautiful outfit, but then I think that I'm still too big and people will laugh at me and I'll wait til next year when I've lost some weight and that'll be better and I'll enjoy it more. I get really mad at myself when I start thinking like that. How long am I going to have to wait for my life to start??
And then of course, there's my holiday to hot climes which I'm still totally unprepared for, not only clothes-wise but mentally. I mean, I haven't worn my bathers at all in about 2 years, and we signed up for a Barrier Reef activity which will involve me being in them half the day! What was I thinking!? I suggested to Husband that we go to the pool a few times before the holiday, to get me used to being in them and hopefully feeling comfortable around other people in them. Do other people have to do that, or is that just me?? =)
Strange really, when I think about it. I feel more comfortable getting around in my bathers in front of a bunch of people on a pontoon, than I do being fully dressed in front of a bunch of anime fans. I'm a very strange person, aren't I?

I don't want to lose weight to become sexier or have people notice me. On the contrary! Many fat people say they feel invisible, but I feel the opposite! It draws so much attention - attention that I don't want. All I want is to fit in, to melt into a crowd and become invisible. To live anonymously in the city without any hassle or trouble, without anyone noticing me. But no matter how hard I try, I can't do that. I could dress as boring and slobby as possible, with no makeup, but people would still do a double-take when they saw me. I just want to be normal.

Anyway, so I guess last night I was just looking for a bit of validation. And well, I didn't find it. But I understand why. I don't fit into the Fat Acceptance movement, because it's about valuing yourself (and having other people value you) the way you are, without changing. They're not interested in reduction, and that's perfectly fine. Everyone is on a different path. I don't fit into the Healthy At Every Size movement, either, because frankly, I'm not really healthy. Plus, reading about HAES makes me realise that, although I say I want to do physical activity for the fun and health of it, deep down inside I still have the ulterior motive of hoping that I'll lose weight along the way. And being disappointed if I don't. So it seems a bit wrong to get involved in that. I also tried reading a few weight loss blogs a while back, and realised I didn't fit in with them, either. I couldn't relate to the attitude they took, the inspirations they used didn't inspire me at all. The goals they have are too out-of-reach for me, and the methods of achieving them too torturous. I just don't seem to fit in anywhere. But I'm used to feeling like I'm different, that's nothing new.

One thing I can certainly say about reading the fat acceptance etc blogs is that it makes me think about things! It seems I'm still struggling with my stated aim of "accepting myself the way I am, and losing weight at the same time". I wonder if that's even possible! If you were happy, there'd be no reason to change, would there?
Anyway, I have to get back to work now. I don't have time to think about this anymore right now. Perhaps on the weekend!

Monday again

Here I am again, another Monday. I can't remember for sure, but I wouldn't be surprised if my last post was on a Monday too, with a lot of whingeing and whining! Yet in some ways, I feel different. Perhaps that's not true, but some things have changed since last week, anyway. My colleague at work resigned very suddenly. It was a bit of a shock to all of us, and we have to quickly scramble to figure out how to get all the work done until we can find a replacement. Plus we had become good friends, so I'll miss her a lot.

So there are some changes at the moment. I've been assured that I shouldn't have to work extra hours, so that's OK. The main thing will be stress and worrying about getting more work done in the same amount of time, and not forgetting anything. Traditionally I've been pretty bad at managing stress. I'm the kind of person that wakes up in the middle of the night with a jolt thinking "Did I remember to check the fax??" Heck, I even worry about how much I'm going to worry!

I've had a feeling for a while now that I wanted things to change - wanted to change in myself. And right now I feel like it's more important than ever, for my own health - both physical and mental. Forget about losing x kgs before my holiday to Queensland, forget about being able to fit into pretty clothes, forget about people staring at my wobbling tummy as I walk down the street. I just want to be happy and calm and relatively stress-free.

Can you believe it, but lately I've had cravings for steamed broccoli, with just a bit of furikaki sprinkled on top. And I have urges to go for long walks around my neighbourhood, like I used to do before I got a full-time job.

Last night I read an inspirational blog post about a Japanese lady called Tsuneko Sasamoto. She's 97 and still works at her job as a photojournalist. She still has lots of energy, and she looks a lot younger than her age as well. When asked, she had 3 reasons for her longevity and health:

1. she eats very good quality food, and spends as much on food as others might on fashion or beauty products. At night, she only eats meat and vegetables, and no rice or bread with it. She drinks a glass of red wine every night.
2. she makes sure to think and be creative every day. She decorates her home in a modern style, she's interested in modern fashion and of course her job as a photographer allows her to be creative.
3. she's curious and takes an active interest in the world around her. She reads the newspaper every day, and keeps a notebook of things she wants to research more.

I would also add thinking positive to this list, after reading what she says about feeling lonely - she lives alone, so if she ever feels lonely while eating dinner, she looks at the moon through her window and sees the moon as her dinner companion. What a lovely way to view things!



I really love inspirational stories like this, about real people living real lives. To follow her advice doesn't cost hundreds of dollars or involve doing anything extraordinary. Just living a healthy, engaged lifestyle.

How can I make that happen?

Wednesday Things

Things are chugging along pretty standardly this week.
I went for a walk at lunchtime on Monday. This time I tried just walking around the block that my building's on, so I didn't have the annoyance of waiting to cross the road. Each lap took about 8 mins (I did 2). There're some downhill and uphill bits. It's not perfect - there were still tons of people on the streets, meaning I couldn't go too fast and I had to look out not to run into anyone. But's an option, at least. I'm still finding that, by the time I finish work, I'm completely exhausted, so going for a walk at lunchtime is pretty much my only option.

I'm still trying to find an app for recording my exercise, that I'm happy with. Most of the ones I've seen seem to be to guide you through a workout. But what I'm looking for is one that you can log exercise you have done and refer back to it later. I downloaded one last night which I thought would be good. It calculates the calories you burned, and it has a calendar that has a big green tick every day that you exercised to your goals. The only problem is - you can't go back into it to see what exercise you did, how many repeats, etc. All you can see is the tick. Which is nice, but not really helpful. I'd need to have a second app/spreadsheet/etc to record the details, and the minute you duplicate, the fun goes out the window. So, even though I spent $1.99 on the app, I probably won't use it. I just wish I could write my own app, or say to the developers, "just add this and it'll be perfect for me" and they would actually listen.

*sighs*

OK, enough whingeing. Copying from inspired by one of my favourite blogs, I'm going to list all the things I'm looking forward to:

♥ having 4 days off over Easter!
♥ finishing some of my craft projects!
♥ building up my energy so I can exercise more, have more energy, etc!
♥ seeing my friends at various events in the next few months!
♥ spending a night away in the country next month!
♥ washing my hair! (yeah, I'm kinda sad like that)
♥ watching my favourite TV show which starts in just under half an hour!
♥ doing my arm toning while watching my favourite TV show!
♥ eating my chocolate portion after my toning!
♥ the weekend and sleeping in!
♥ trying out my new hama beads kit on the weekend!

I could go on and on, and that's actually pretty cool. (What I'll do when I retire??) I checked in this morning and things are looking all right! Since the start of March, I've lost:

weight: -0.6kgs
chest: -1.6cm
waist: -0.5cm
hips: -2cm
thigh: -4cm

Wow! Yes, the weight is not really that much, but the measurements are more important, and they're all lower! Very exciting! Sometimes I get so frustrated that it's not happening faster, it's not happening now, but I know I have to be patient. Seeing results makes me encouraged to continue.

Saturday Things

Not too much else to update you on since my last post. So I'll be a total girl and waffle on about clothes again for a bit.

I did go to Target last weekend I was pleasantly surprised by the range of workwear. I bought 2 nice tops and ... gasp ... a skirt! During the week I debuted the tops (one of them twice! Washed in between, of course!). One of them has a little gaping problem around the neckline, but it's nothing a couple of darts on the shoulders shouldn't fix. (I often have to alter my clothes due to my wierdy curvy body shape.)

I don't normally wear skirts, as I've mentioned before, but I bought just one in case the weather gets stonkingly hot again like it did a couple of weeks ago. If the thought of wearing pants is unbearable, then at least I have another option. I just don't have many tops anymore that go with skirts. Hopefully I can rustle something up that doesn't look too silly. And there's only one way I can style my hair. And half my jewellery and accessories are out ... This corporate dressing thing is getting really tedious already. *sighs*

The other sad fact is - and I hate to have to admit it - I should probably get rid of half my casual clothes. Almost all of the clothes I used to wear to work no longer cut the mustard. So that now means I have a RID.IC.ulously large collection of clothes that I can only wear on the weekend.
2 days a week.
that's 28.6% of the time...
7.1% of the time taking into account that I don't wear my clothes to bed.

OK, perhaps I'm getting a little melodramatic now. But I'm still kinda depressed over it. How I look has always been important to me. How people present themselves tells a huge amount about them. I want to express myself: my quirky, individual, creative, slightly nutty self. In the last 5 years or so, this ideal has slipped away more and more. It's a combination of factors - my weight, lack of range of clothes in my size, working full-time and having to be in an office environment, and at times, not even knowing what my personal style is.

I don't know what the solution to this quandary is. I have so much going on in my life at the moment, what to wear should really be the last thing on my mind. But I can't help thinking about it a lot lately. I keep going back to that old thought of, if only I lost weight, things would be so much better. I just don't know what to do.

A New Chapter

Coming to you from Week 1 of my new job ... the end of that week, that is .... or something like that ....

It's been a real rollercoaster ride. I'm excited to be learning new things and have a more secure position, honoured that I was chosen to work for such a highly-regarded organisation, terrified that I won't be able to learn all the new things and somehow flunk my probation period, not to mention meeting all those new people and wondering what they think of me, worried that I'll say something daft and/or inappropriate. And I miss my old work friends terribly. I can't be myself now, the way I could around them. I feel lonely.

I'm tired all the time. This is completely understandable, so I'm trying not to beat myself up. Of course I'd be tired after having to concentrate on learning new things all day. Also I'm a natural introvert, so meeting all those new people and having to chat with them, etc is very draining. But I've also lost any desire whatsoever to work on my art/craft projects or my lists. I haven't even felt like writing in my blog. When I'm not being creative at all, it makes me feel sad. I hope once I get back into a routine I'll get my mojo back.

I had a dream last night which upset me a little bit. (My dreams can be quite random and bizarre, but I think it reflected some issues I'm really having right now, so bear with me!) I was in a school gym. But it was also a hospital - there was a row of about 4 hospital beds along one wall. All the patients were there to have lap banding surgery. There was one girl who was overweight, but all the others were very slim. I got really angry, thinking they don't need lap banding surgery! Even the overweight girl had such a look of stupid hope on her face, as if she thought it would solve all her problems. I was worried for her - it seemed as if she didn't really know what was going to happen. That made me even more angry.
Then a number of people came into the room, and it was more like a place to socialise. One of the people there was a guy I'd had a huge crush on years ago in real life (before I met Man, obviously). He'd been friendly to me, but didn't feel the same way about me. I always felt pretty inadequate around him.
So I was there trying to be cool, or at least show some confidence. None of the people came up to me to socialise, so I just hung out on my own. I reached up to adjust my ponytail, and my stomach was exposed. Almost everyone in the room went, eeuww! and acted really disgusted. Even some of the people in the hospital beds. I was pretty upset by that, but I tried to regroup myself. Then some music started playing. It was my favourite song. I was so excited! I closed my eyes and started dancing. But after a few seconds I remembered everyone else who was in the room, and stopped dancing. I told myself to stop doing that and said to myself - people with bodies like mine aren't supposed to move them around. They're supposed to stay still. Which in this case meant not enjoying myself and not expressing myself. It made me really sad. Then the dream ended.

What a horrible dream! I was so depressed when I woke up. But I'm very sure I know why I had the dream. All week I've been feeling pretty inadequate.
My new job is in a different part of the city. Even though I still work for the Government, it's in an area with mostly corporate businesses instead of mostly Government buildings; and I've noticed the type of people and how they're dressed tends to be different. The people tend to be younger and dressed in more corporate wear. To be blunt - there are a lot of suits and show ponies! And less people of diverse ages and body types.

I suppose I'm lucky to count youth on my side - I present as being at least 5 years younger than I really am, I've been told. But having a "socially unacceptable" body type is hard, really hard. Perhaps I'm just feeling fragile at the moment because of all the new job stuff. My normally semi-thick skin is worn a bit thin right now. But I can't help noticing how the girls with the tans and perky ponytails and short skirts look at me. Thankfully I haven't noticed this in the office at all, only out on the street. Perhaps I feel more confident in the office because I know that they all know that I've landed a pretty good job? Or perhaps they're just genuinely more friendly?
Either way, I've been spending my lunchbreak inside, at my desk, lemme tell you! A couple of times people have encouraged me to go outside and get some sun: no way, no how! That's how I'm used to spending most of my lunchbreaks anyway - eating lunch at my desk and surfing the internet. (Don't worry, I checked the internet policy with my manager and this is OK.) Before I moved to the new job, I had visions of continuing my twice-weekly habit of going for a walk through the park at lunchtime. But well, there is no park here and the streets are chokkers with people at lunch time. Not to mention that I'd feel like a right wally power-walking down the street in my fancy corporate get up. So I think that's a no-go. I also had visions of doing my other thing I liked to do on Monday nights - which is walking part of the way home from work along the tram line. That is probably more do-able. If I got all sweaty it would be OK, because I'd be going straight home afterwards. But again, I'd have the streets-chokkers-with-people problem. I may just need to experiment with different routes to solve that problem, though. Once my routine is up and running, I'll look into it.

Another thing which the dream touched on a little bit, which has been worrying me a lot is ... CLOTHES! I hate them so much. Last weekend before I started my job, I re-organised my wardrobe. Before it had been pants on one side, tops on the other. Now it's casual clothes on the left and work clothes on the right. I went through all my clothes. It took some time. (And that wasn't even ones that are in the hobby room waiting for repair or alteration!) I'm fine for pants, that's OK. As for tops - of all the ones that I was sure will be OK, plus ones that I thought may be OK at a stretch, there were 10. Out of those, there were:

- one that I would no longer be caught dead in;
- one that I never really liked;
- one that I'm not too sure about and my bra shows if I'm not always adjusting it;
- one that only just fits and it pretty uncomfortable so I hate it;
- one that's new and I've never worn, so I don't know how I feel about it.

So that makes 5 that I feel really comfortable in. (6 if I end up liking the new one.) A couple of those are pushing the boundaries of 'good enough'. And 2 of them are getting old now and are in danger of looking ratty if I wear them too often.
AND ... only one (1) of them is suitable for really hot weather.
Not only that, but looking into my wardrobe, I can see that every single one of them is either black and white, or black and red. I hate black and I hate red! And I hate white too, actually (see my previous post on style preferences). How did this happen??!

A girl can only come to one conclusion - I need to go shopping!

Geez, I hate shopping. I used to love it, but now I only go shopping about once every 6 months, when there's a big sale on. Occasionally I'll go at other times, when I'm feeling really good about myself, but that never lasts for long, lemme tell you! As soon as I see what's available in the larger sizes compared to the 'normal' sizes, it makes me want to curl up in a corner and cry! Even when I go to a shop that caters especially for larger sizes, I can't afford most of what's there, and even though most things come in my size, either they don't suit my body type, they're an ugly colour, too casual, too nanna, or something else I hate about them.

However ... I didn't rush out and go shopping straight away. Over the last week, one of the things I wanted to observe in the office was what the other women were wearing, to gauge what standard of clothes it would be acceptable for me to wear. Then I'd have a better idea of what to buy. Well, it was an exercise in frustration. Every time I saw a woman wearing a top I liked, I thought, 'oooh, I'd like that!' Then I'd think, 'but that won't come in my size, idiot!'

'not in my size.....'
'not in my size.....'
'not in my size.....'
'not in my size.....'

I think I was really driving myself barmy with frustration and confusion. How can I conform to the corporate image, yet still express my creative, quirky self, all within the confinement of the absolutely pathetic range of clothing options available to the larger sized young woman??! Arrgghh!

I'm going shopping tomorrow and I'm really not looking forward to it. Dreading it, even. Afterwards I'll get myself some Japanese stationery to cheer myself up.

Excuse this post for being insanely long, but I just had some stuff to get off my chest. Hopefully I'll feel better now. Man is at work today, so I'm kicking around the house on my own. Time for some pampering, I think!

Monday Update

As they say, the spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak. I'm even more determined than ever to get fitter and healthier, but my life is just so busy, it's like a whirlwind. Like I said in my last post though, I have to be annoyingly vague and mysterious about it all until things are confirmed (or not confirmed, as the case may be!).

You Don't Say ...

I've still been meditating most nights. (I was going to put 'trying to meditate', but I'm going to give myself more credit than that!) It helps me get to sleep better at night, but I'm not sure if it's beneficial for the rest of my day (yet?). You see, I've noticed a new development in the stress stakes - my jaw and my right shoulder have been hurting recently, and I couldn't figure out why. Over the last few days I've realised: my shoulder hurts because I tense it up when I'm at the computer using the mouse. My jaw hurts because I tense it up all the time. Not just in stressful situations, but even when I'm doing something relaxing like playing computer games or reading. It's gotten so bad that it feels like it's out of joint. Hmmm, what to do, what to do?

When's my next chiropractor appointment again?

Time Flies By

Welcome to Day 333 of 2011....
Day 2 of Week 49....
I just happened to find those statistics when I was fiddling with my work calendar before and thought they were mildly interesting. Time seems to go by so fast; it just flies by. One minute it's the middle of winter, the next, it's nearly Christmas. When I was a kid, I didn't think much about the future. I had my head stuck in fantasy novels and hardly ever thought about the real world. I would never have imagined that I'd own a device small enough to hold in my hand, which can tell my anything I need to know**. Not to mention playing music, videos and games, as well as taking photos and editing them on the spot. And so many other things, the mind boggles! Yes, I have a new ipod touch, and I'm in love.
(**That is, presuming I'm standing in the right spot for picking up wi-fi!)

In Other News ...

Sorry to say, but I've taken down sick again. Just as the weather is warming up, too. I've always thought that having a cold in warm weather is worse. The activities you'd normally do to cheer yourself up - like snuggling up in a blanket or eating chicken soup - just make you feel all sticky and vaguely annoyed. It's not a very bad cold, thankfully. But that's not always a good thing. It's bad enough that I feel I should probably take it easy, but not so bad that I have no energy whatsoever. So there's that little voice in the back of my head that says I should keep on exercising as I was before and makes me feel guilty. That's what sucks about being sick. But at least hopefully I'll better by the end of this week (when I go on my holiday!).

Beauty Blather ...

My first order of Asian beauty products arrived in the mail yesterday, including my first BB Cream! I don't know why I have this pathetic obsession with them at the moment; I'm sure it'll pass at some point like my obsessions always do, and I'll be really embarrassed when I read back on this.
I have a love-hate relationship with clothes; I have a fairly large wardrobe, but it doesn't make me happy. Shopping for clothes usually leaves me disappointed, so I don't do it often anymore. Sure, Asos got me excited for a while, but my purchases were really hit and miss, so the excitement's died down a bit now.
Shoes never got me going at all. I have fairly oddly shaped feet, so there are few styles that I can wear. I find shopping for shoes an annoying and draining experience.
For a long time I had an obsession with accessories and jewellery. In the last few years I've been more careful about my purchases, but I still bought pieces fairly regularly. And I churned out scarves and headwarmers and such things with wild abandon! But recently, whenever I look at what I have, I think to myself, that's enough. I don't need more.
But with beauty/skin/haircare products, you don't get any of those problems! That's the beauty of them. (So to speak. ) They're consumables, so you use them up, and then you get to buy a new one, or try a different one. They have nice smells, or colours, or both. I could go on, but that would be just too boring, wouldn't it?

Being Mindful

Yesterday I listened to episode 74 of Reasonable Doubts Podcast. It was about Mindfulness as it relates to meditation and psychotherapy. Even though the podcast comes at things from a sceptical point of view, they generally try to present topics in a balanced, evidence-based way. They looked at a meta-study of meditation studies which found that basically, it's extremely difficult to prove that meditation and/or mindfulness have any benefit. To quote one of the presenters, meditation is "only slightly more effective than taking a nap." One of the main problems is that studies tend to be conducted by people who already believe in the benefits of meditation and just want to prove it. So often their methodology isn't that rigorous. (This is actually a problem in many fields. A recent episode of The Psych Files talked about a similar problem with studies done on the benefits of having pets.) Once all those studies are taken out, what's left doesn't hold up too well to scientific scrutiny. So the reputation of meditation/mindfulness relies on personal testimonials. One of the presenters had meditated regularly (both mindfulness meditation and other types), and was able to give a personal point of view on it. He said it had helped him see things more clearly and objectively, stay calmer in stressful situations, and feel generally more relaxed.
The other situation that was discussed in relation to mindfulness was as part of psychotherapy. It's the first step in cognitive behavioural therapy (being aware of and monitoring/observing thoughts and feelings), but it's also a therapy on its own. CBT not only employs mindfulness, but then the patient goes on to challenge and overcome unwanted thoughts and perceptions. CBT has been proven to be effective. The presenters compared mindfulness (as a standalone therapy) and CBT. They didn't say it outright, but I would have thought CBT would be superior to pure mindfulness during which the unwanted thoughts are not challenged, only monitored.
The presenters usually don't make a judgement or pronouncement on their topic (e.g. meditation is 'good' or 'bad'), they just present the facts and let the listener decide for themselves. I don't really have any conclusions myself and don't know why I decided to write about this today. I just thought it was interesting.

In Other News ...

Things are going along in a fairly standard way so far this week. I've managed to drink at least 1x 1 lt bottle of water each day; had a bit more trouble trying to increase it to x2 though. It takes me all day at work to get through 1 lt; if I drink too much at once, I feel too full and bloated. I thought about drinking another 1 lt after work when I get home, but I don't want to risk drinking too much water too close to bedtime, in case I have to get up in the middle of the night. It's a dilemma!
But anyway, these are First World Problems...

Really looking forward to my holiday, which is just over a week away now. I can't believe the time has gone so fast. I suppose at some point I should decide if I'm going to 'be good' during my holiday, or just 'let myself go' and not worry about what I eat. Surely there must be some happy medium? Boy has said a couple of times, "don't worry, we're going to be doing lots of walking!" But I wonder about that. Unlike all our previous holidays, we're hiring a car, and it might be too tempting to use it as much as possible and just drive everywhere. I guess we'll see!

Not More Whingeing

After all the silliness of the other day, I was given a good talking to, and I realised I was wrong. (Thank you, B! You're amazing!)

No, I was right about one thing - don't give up.
Yet still, the whingeing and pouting continues. I catch myself having negative thoughts every hour, every minute. I'm sure I'm doing it without even realising it. I don't know what's wrong with me lately. I thought I was developing techniques to deal with this. I thought I was making progress. But it seems like I'm sliding backwards further and further every day, until I feel like I'm freakin' 15 years old again!!
Not to mention putting on weight instead of losing it. Not to mention feeling less fit and healthy as the weeks go by. (My ankle hurts, my back hurts, I'm thirsty, I feel stiff and sore.) My goals seem further and further away every day.
It's annoying and it has to stop! Something has to change!
The fact is: I have to change. It's harder than it sounds.
I'm up to the point now where I know what I have to do. Ok, that's Step 1 taken care of. But I've been at this point for a couple of years now. Why haven't I taken the next step yet? I suspect I know the answer to that question - I'm just not willing to admit it to myself. Or maybe just avoiding thinking about the implications of it.
There I go, being all vague and avoidy again! It must get so boring.

So anyway, being a girl of action, I feel like I need to take action. (And not those silly, deprivational ones like in the last post, that just make me feel worse in the end.) A little while back, I was reading a post by Sister Diane of Crafty Pod on cutting back on the number of blogs you read. (Ironic that it's sort of an anti-advertisement of itself, but I think she makes a good point.) There are links to some other very insightful pieces on the topic. There's been a lot on the intertubes in the last couple of years about spending less time on the internet and on social media, about stepping back and having some 'real life' time. I've cut back on my facebook time, but I still spend many hours a week poring over blogs and pictures and such things. (Worried that I'll miss out on something, having to visit all of them and not neglect any! All the while thinking, I wish my craft looked like that, I wish my house looked like that, I wish I looked like that!) I'm sure it's unhealthy. I need a strong dose of real life!

I want to have one internet-free day a week. I've done it before, and found it quite satisfying. Then I might increase it to two if it's going well. Whether I'll spend that time doing craft, going for a walk, practising piano or reading, I don't know yet. But it's a start. I feel optimistic for the first time in months. There are possibilities!

Failure

Well, I'm a complete and utter failure. As mentioned in my last post - I didn't have time to get a frozen yoghurt this week, so instead I decided that, if I could get at least 80% on my tracker and stick to my exercise schedule for the rest of this week, I could buy myself a treat from Etsy. Well, I couldn't even stick to it for one day! I failed on the first day! There were tim tams at work, so I had a couple instead of fruit for morning tea, fail no. 1. Then for afternoon tea I had a couple more, fail no. 2. I'd been having terrible cravings for meat all day, so at the supermarket I bought a can of lite Spam and ended up eating most of it, fail no. 3. Then I was feeling tired and it was hot and muggy, so I didn't do my weights routine as per my schedule, fail no. 4. Then after dinner, when Boy handed me some chocolate, I just took it and ate it without thinking about it, fail no. 5.
Weighed myself this morning, and I'd actually put on weight. Complete and utter fail! I'm so disappointed in myself. Caught sight of myself in the mirror in the elevator this morning and nearly burst into tears. What can I do to fix this situation? In order to have any possible chance whatsoever of redeeming myself, I have to:

1. Have no dessert for the rest of the week.
2. No work biscuits at all.
3. Drink 2 litres water every day.
4. I feel like there should be more, but I can't think of anything.

I'm unwilling to make any blanket statements about exercise - even though I have tomorrow off work (so I'll be away from the biscuits!), I'll probably be busy all day. And busy most of Sunday, if not all day. So far this week, I've just felt so tired and lethargic. But on the way to work this morning, had to walk the long way round the building, and was just starting to enjoy the walk and enjoy the feeling of my legs moving ... and then I had to go into work and sit on my butt for the next 4 hours. Just as I was starting to feel good about myself and my body for the first time in weeks, I had to go straight inside and sit still in the stuffy office air until I feel all sleepy instead. So unbelievably frustrating. But what's the point complaining, really - millions of people around the world are in the same boat. You just have to find a way to solve the problem, that suits your situation.

For example: so many sources say: you have to exercise in the morning! Well, I can't. I start work too early. My body and brain don't start working until later in the morning. (Thankfully the first few tasks I have to do in the morning are pretty mindless, otherwise I'd be in trouble!) But I was listening to Motivation to Move podcast a little while back, and he had some advice on the matter - you should tailor your routines to fit your own life and situation. Otherwise it won't happen! It doesn't matter what time of day you exercise, as long as you do it. Then, once you have the healthy habits established and you're starting to see results, you can start to tweak things from there. I was quite relieved when I heard that. I get so disheartened when I hear sources saying, "you have to do this, and you have to do that", and it's literally impossible to fit it into my life (not even just making excuses, it's logistically impossible). So it's good to hear someone say, "it's OK". And I guess that's the thing really, isn't it. No matter how many mistakes you've made in the past, you can always try again. Try something different. As long as you're doing something.

Ponies and Such

It seems that, as soon as things start to get a bit annoying, I revert to my childhood. I'm getting my exercise from computer games, I've started playing with dolls again, and I've taken to eating baby food!

In discussion last week, I had an insight into why I find it so hard to stay motivated. I set up a system of goals and rewards for myself. It's something that's been in the back of my mind for a while, but I've only know acknowledged it to myself. In the past I've done things like - drew up a chart for myself with rewards for incremental steps. e.g. reach __ weight and I can buy myself some new art supplies, or makeup or something. I made the gap in between goals 3-4kgs, tried to make it really easy for myself. And yet still I find it really hard to get excited about the plan, and look forward to buying myself those rewards. Why? Because I don't really feel like I deserve them. Even if I achieve the goal 100%, half the time I don't even buy myself the reward anyway. And the whole system comes crashing down. It's a bit of an issue.

I guess it's a similar thing to when I see other girls wearing beautiful clothes and pretty shoes, and I feel jealous and I want them too. But I never go and buy them for myself. The money could be better spent on other things. As for clothes - I should wait til I've lost weight, otherwise it'll just be a waste of money. As for shoes - I really should buy comfortable ones rather than pretty ones. Then I feel like a dork, wearing cheap clothes and ugly shoes. *sighs*

Meanwhile ...

I got so excited this morning because my top was looser! This is my favourite top that I wear nearly every week, so I would notice. But then I remembered that I'd dried it on the rack instead of in the drier this time, so it wouldn't have shrunk like it normally does. So I'm not thinner after all. What a bummer! I should weigh myself tomorrow morning and find out for sure. It's been a while. I'm hoping to have good news.

Back at the Farm ...

Meanwhile, I'm absolutely dying for a frozen yoghurt from the new frozen yoghurt shop in the city. It will definitely be a special treat. But what can I do to deserve one? Even if I ate healthy and exercised every day this week, I still wouldn't have time this week to go and get one. There's just no recourse.

Writing It Down

Well, hello! It's been a little while. I've been too busy to write. Too busy to exercise, too busy to pay attention to what I'm eating. Every time I think, right, the stress is over, I can stop worrying and get on with things, something else stressful appears that I have to deal with. Paying bills, chairing a meeting at work, having to have medical tests that I can't afford to take time off work for, etc etc! Still, there are things that make me happy - like watching My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic, and my new Hug Buddy, a stuffed unicorn that I named Wanda. (I'll see if I can post photos next time.) Sometimes a girl just needs to hug something, you know? How much happiness $12 worth of cheap fluffy materials can bring!

In Other News ...

Food. I haven't been paying enough attention lately. On Tuesday I scored 35% on my food and exercise tracker. That's insanely bad! Mind you, it was a public holiday and I went to a barbeque where the only salads were potato ones. Is that a good enough excuse?
I get so conflicted. Part of me thinks - you shouldn't have eaten all that unhealthy food. You should be mindful all the time! Keep your eyes on the prize, all the time! The other part of me thinks - it's a party, have fun! One day won't hurt! Stop worrying and stressing all the time, no wonder you're always unhappy.
No wonder I'm always so confused, more like!

Speaking of food, I'm not sure I like the breakfast cereal I've been eating lately. It's got bits of fibre and almond and macadamia clusters or something. It tastes all right (though not very sweet without any fruit in it). But I've noticed I always feel bloated afterwards, and yet I still get hungry well before morning tea time. This morning I was already thinking about my beetroot dip and celery sticks at 9.30! Perhaps next week I'll try porridge with canned fruit instead.

Meanwhile ...

I must be pretty desperate lately, because last night at the chemist I spent almost $30 on a Quick Trim cleansing drink, endorsed by a certain celebrity famous for doing not much but being hot and having a large booty. You mix 60ml into a glass of water, drink 4 times a day. Then you too, can have a large booty.
Then, for the duration, you're supposed to only eat fruit and vegetables, soup and jelly. Avoid sugar and protein. That's probably going to have more effect on your weight loss than the drink, I reckon! The main ingredient lemon juice, so the drink has a semi-sweet lemony taste. The other main ingredient is aloe vera, which is interesting. I've actually been told to drink it before, as it's soothing to the digestive system. It's also got kombu kelp and a few other herbal things which I don't have time to look up now. So if it works, great! If it doesn't, well, I've bought a very expensive water flavouring. haha!

Seriously, I don't know why I do things like that. Earlier that evening, I'd been writing in my journal. I use my journal to write things that're too private even for here. I haven't written for months (literally), but I bought myself a few mini fountain pen as a treat and wanted to test it out. I ended up writing and writing. Just as I was starting to get down to the nitty gritty, the really painful stuff that I often don't even admit to myself, Boy got home from work! I was deep in a flow of writing, of experiencing thoughts I usually don't acknowledge, of letting them out - and it was a real jerk back into reality to have the bright light switched on and suddenly noise where there was silence. It took me a little while to find my way back to normality. I abandoned my writing mid-sentence. I had to let the thoughts go. Was I on the verge of a break-through? I don't know. But I felt very sad at having to let it go. I also felt very guilty, because of course I was glad to see Boy and welcome him home. I was selfish to wish for more time alone. He kept asking me what was wrong, why I looked sad, and I didn't want to tell him. I barely even knew how to express it to myself, let alone express it to someone else. In the end, I just said that it was the same old thing that I always whinge about. And it really was, actually!

Got My Grump On

Hate to start a Thursday morning on a bad note, but I'm grumpy, I had to get up early (/earlier) this morning, and I don't care! I feel fat, frumpy and pouty today. I don't understand how I felt really thin and sporty just a few days ago, and totally the opposite today. I caught a look at myself from the side, in the reflection from a window on the way to work, and I was horrified. I wondered how I could even leave the house looking like that. I just don't understand it. I mean, I wear this top all the time, and I don't remember thinking that last time I wore it. And I feel like crying whenever I think about how I have to stop eating chocolate if I want to lose weight. [insert enormous pout here]


I figure, it's either one of two things:
1. I've put on a whole bunch of weight in the last few days (or I'm retaining water, which is also possible, but considering I hardly drink enough, where did it come from??)
2. I have PMT.
I'm really starting to get jack of this! It's been getting worse over the last year. I swear lately it's been lasting 2 weeks out of every month. I've asked my doctor if there's anything we can do and he's currently doing some research. Watch this space (or not, if this topic makes you queasy. )

Meanwhile ...

The other day I ordered some shapewear, and last night I got a notification that they've been shipped. Hoping they arrive soon! I got them from this site. I first found it a few years ago, but the postage fees were too much for me. Not anymore. Unfortunately they won't arrive before Saturday night (Boy's birthday), but they should arrive before the other special events that're coming up. Part of me feels ashamed that I'm resorting to this kind of thing, but lots of people do it ... right? They utilise the benefits of looking sleeker and feeling less jiggly, so why can't I? I figure - it's just to give me a bit more confidence until I've had a chance to lose a bit of weight for real. Losing weight takes a long time (a very long time in my case, it seems), and I don't want to wait that long to start looking and feeling better.
(The feminist part of me is rolling her eyes and telling me that I shouldn't succumb to society's narrow expectations of how the female form should look. That I should reject the male-dictated status quo and have the courage to love my unique body the way it is.)
(Now the post-feminist part of me is saying, take society's expectations and twist them! In the 21st century, wearing a corset is not shameful or backward, it's a subversion of mainstream expectations, an independent statement of choice, an expression of female power and sexuality!)
(Negative Nancy says: but that only counts if you wear the corset on the outside of your clothes, doesn't it? And you'd never have the guts to do that!)
(ApartmentCat says: guts! Get it? I made a funny! hahah!)

*sighs* No wonder I get so confused sometimes!

Dilemmas

Feeling a little bit better again today. But not, at the same time. Getting over my food poisoning OK, and feeling like I have a bit more energy, however. Very busy this week, and a bit stressed out. And worried about my family. And confused about things. Knowing I have to make a decision, and soon. How important are my beliefs to me? Are they important enough to stand up for them? Or do I let things slide by and regret it like I have so many times before? This all sounds very mysterious, I know, but I don't want to go into it. This is a blog about health, fitness and weight loss, not existential dilemmas. Suffice it to say that I'm a bit confused and stressed at the moment. I certainly have more important things to think about than whether my tummy sticks out or not at the moment!

However ... I think I've lost weight! The pants and top I wore yesterday seemed a bit looser than normal, and, well ... I just feel a bit thinner. Tomorrow morning I'll weigh and measure myself and see if it's really true. I do hope so. I found my special dress a few weeks ago. When we moved house, it was packed with some other hanging stuff. I haven't worn it since last December. I haven't had the courage to try it on yet. I suppose I should, because if it doesn't fit, then I'll have to think of something else to wear to Boy's birthday party this Saturday night. I also don't want to get a stain on it; I'm always ruining clothes with stains. But when else am I going to wear it??

A Different Perspective

I'm feeling much much much better today. It's amazing what a little perspective can bring. Let's just forget all that silliness and move on, shall we?

Today I'm well getting over my cold and I have a lot more energy. Unfortunately though I can't translate that into anything useful as I'm busy all evening after work and won't have time to exercise. Such is life sometimes, isn't it? I do really feel that I have a new lease on life at the moment though. Anything is possible! I can lose weight and reach my goals! (Negative Nancy says: no you can't! You'll fail! You're hopeless!) I say, shut up to you!!

Now that the crazy talking to myself is out of the way, it's time to make a plan. I have a lot to do in the next few weeks, and I've been putting a lot of things off for a long time. Boring things like doing my tax return, submitting papers to offices here and there, finishing and returning library books, writing letters, paying bills. There're also some more interesting things like wrapping presents and sewing a backpack for when I go for my walks. In my sad little brain, even these crafty things became chores. There are also some quite daunting social occasions coming up. Ironically, these occasions don't even have anything to do with me - they're being held for other people (though one of them I'm quite heavily involved in organising). Yet my pouty little brain made them out to be all about me - what I wear and how I look will be OMG, like, the very most important thing in the history of the universe, OMG!!! People will be looking at me and judging me, OMG!!!!!!. But now I realise that's just silly and untrue. And even if they are, remember some very good advice I heard once and just think, fuck 'em!! Like I said, it's amazing what a change of perspective can do.

Now to get on with getting all that stuff done. I'm going to have another look at my exercise schedule and see if I need to re-jig it again. Is it actually not working for me, or is it just that my lack of motivation was making it just seem all-too-hard?

Struggling

Things have been a bit nutty lately. I've been a bit nutty lately, more specifically. I'm not really sure why. The most stressful thing I had in my life has gone. Sure, I've still got a lot to do/organise in the next month or two. Rationally I know I can handle it. Yet my anxiety is zinging away like crazy. Night terrors, everything. Perhaps it's because I'm sick? My mental and emotional defences are down as well as my physical ones? I hope that's all it is. I hope it goes away soon. I find it a struggle to go out in public. I don't want people to see me. I feel self-conscious and ashamed. I feel like I felt years ago. Have I really taken so many steps back, so quickly? The techniques that I've started to develop for increasing my confidence and positivity have fallen by the wayside, and I dread having to go out in public to do even the quickest chore.
Lately I've been focussed on a particular area of my body. I think that I hate it. It's too big, it sticks out too much, it jiggles too much. At this moment it's the symbol of my shame. My thoughts have been pre-occupied with how I can make it look smaller. I can't wait until I've lost weight - that'll take months, years. I need to fix it now.
What I really need is to get over this! I need to breathe.* Go inside. Remember that there's so much more to life than appearances. Really take that on board.
Take a huge, deep breath and let my stomach expand.

---

* I hate to use such clichéd New Age language, but there's a part of my psyche that responds to it. I'm a big hippie at heart, really.

Firming and Plumping

Went to bed early (earlier, anyway!) last night and feeling slightly less tired today, so that's good. Have a lot to do today after work though, and it's a little annoying. Tuesday is supposed to be my Tuesday Walk day! I really can't put off going to the chemist for another day. Or doing laundry, or doing the dishes, etc. I'll just have to work around it. I really do feel that I have to do some exercise though. I didn't do any over the weekend, and only a little yesterday, and now I'm feeling stiff and lethargic. I hate that feeling.

Not only that, but today I'm wearing an outfit that I hate!
I decided that, this weekend, I'm going to do my half-yearly wardrobe changeover. My wardrobe space is a lot smaller than in my old flat, so I need to be smarter about things. There are some clothes I've had hanging in the far corners for ages that I wasn't too sure about. So I decided to dust them off and wear them this week, and see if I still want to keep them. Maybe not such a good decision for this week - I'm feeling pretty fat and frumpy - Special Lady Time must be coming. Oh dear!

In Other News ...

What I really wanted to ramble on talk about today is beauty products. Lately I've noticed that my face is starting to sag. I've been pretty lucky so far. I have a fairly chubby face, so fewer wrinkles and a more youthful look. Now though, things are starting to head southwards! So I want to get some beauty products that'll prop things up. But I want something that's going to work! I don't want to be wasting my money on crapola stuff that doesn't do anything it says it does. Up til now, I haven't worried too much about it. The main thing for me was whether it smelled good (and for hand cream - whether it made my eczema itchy), and if it wasn't too expensive. I also liked ones that had essential oils in them - for both the smell and because they were more 'natural'. And, very important, I don't want anything from a company that tests on animals. A few months ago, I also decided that I don't want to use anything with parabens in it if possible. The links with cancer aren't proven conclusively, but it still worries me.

Years ago, I remembered reading a book about the Cosmetics Cop, so I looked up her website and found Beautypedia. I've been trawling it like an obsessed woman in the last few days! And I've found out some pretty interesting - and shocking - things.

* A lot of the essential oils and other ingredients they put in products to make them smell good or which are supposedly calming, can actually be irritating to the skin. Some of the products that I've loved using get very low scores on Beautypedia for this reason.

* Many ingredients which are supposed to do great stuff to the skin (e.g. Vitamin C) don't actually do anything. The skin can't even absorb them. They only work if they're ingested. Other ingredients can be absorbed in some forms but not others. The beauty companies add the non-absorbent forms because they're cheaper or for whatever reason. Yet they still claim the product does what the absorbent form would have done - if they'd added it. There's very little regulation in the cosmetics industry - they can basically make whatever claims they like and get away with it.

* The container that a product comes in is very important. A moisturiser that comes in a jar will get contaminated and go off very quickly. You have to open it up and expose it to air and stick your fingers in it every time you use it. So it makes sense. I will definitely take notice of what type of container products come in from now on.

* Many large companies still test on animals! There's a huge list of them on the website. I was shocked to realise this. I have to admit, I was pretty naive. I just assumed that companies didn't anymore. Synthetic skin was invented years ago, so there's really no excuse for it. I was upset to find that the best hand cream for me - the only one that doesn't make my eczema itch - was tested on animals! I don't know what I'm going to do.

But at least I have one thing that I didn't have before - knowledge.
The Cosmetic Cop seems to have a good reputation, and the testers are constantly adding new reviews and updates to the site. The only drawback is, being American, it mostly has American products. Many of the Australian products I've used or thought of using are not listed. However, there's a comprehensive general list of ingredients, so a person could easily cross-check the ingredients in any product and draw some helpful conclusions.

So, yeah, I think I'll be referring to this site frequently in future!

A New Week ... Again

Felt terrible all day yesterday. I didn't think I drank that much on Saturday night! But I did mix champagne and spirits, which is always guaranteed to Royally screw me up.

Did manage to catch up with some friends yesterday, though. Have to admit - lately I always feel jealous when they talk about their latest achievements with their personal trainers or in exercise classes. I adore my friends and I'm proud of their achievements, don't get me wrong. I've noticed I feel the same way whenever I see someone jogging down the street or around the park. I don't want to look like them (especially the men, hah!) - I want to be as fit as them. I see them when I'm on the way to work in the morning, and I'm jealous that they have the time and the energy. I just feel so tired all the time lately. It's been worse the last few weeks. Don't know if it's because I've had bad hayfever most of the time, or I've been staying up later than normal most nights. I'm not going to whinge and complain too much, because it's probably self inflicted! Anyhow, I'm not the type of person to pout and wallow. If there's something I'm unhappy about, I say to myself, "right, what can I do about it?" I treat it like a problem-solving exercise. I write out lists and make decisions. Sometimes I follow through and sometimes I don't, but I usually end up feeling better.

So I had a chat with Boy about it and we decided to go to bed earlier. It seems like most nights when we watch TV, the so-so shows are on earlier, and then our favourite shows are on around-about bedtime. (Yes, it's kinda sad that our lives revolve around TV. They do on weeknights anyway, I'll admit that!) So we're going to go through and set the recorder to tape all of the later ones and watch them earlier in the evening when the so-so shows are on. Then we'll go to bed early like good boys and girls. That's the plan.

I'll make that my weekly focus for at least this week and possibly next week, too. Try and make it a habit. Then in a few weeks' time, I'll look into stepping up my exercise routine. That's the plan.

Grumpy!

I'm particularly grumpy today, so get ready for some quality whingeing.
Last night I didn't do any exercise at all, not a bit! All day, I kept telling myself I was going to do it. I'd do it, and then do something nice as a reward, like give myself a facial. And told myself, I had to do it before I did anything fun like reading or surfing the internet. And it wasn't even really hard exercise - it was just to do some stretching or toning. Wednesday's a very busy day at work, so I decided that would be my light exercise day. But even still, it all flies out the window when I get home. After 45 mins or more of standing on public transport, being jostled this way and that, worrying about whether I'll run into creepy-staring-man or scary-stalky-man, I'm tired. I feel like I deserve a rest after working all day. All I want to do is sit on the couch and read and have a cup of tea. It's something that I just can't get past at the moment. I really tried last night! I tried to do something constructive - listen to one of my meditation podcasts - but I ended up falling alseep! So perhaps I should run with this at the moment instead of trying to change it.

This week's been particularly bad, work's been pretty crazy. Lots of things have gone wrong - they're no-one's fault, but things we can't do anything about. So there's been a lot of frustration and grumpiness flying about. I've had bad hayfever every day this week, too. It's driving me nuts. Sniffing and sneezing while I'm trying to work. Having to blow my nose every five minutes.

The other day I mentioned the Inside-Out Weight Loss podcast. Yesterday I went to the website and checked out the programme. Well, the website wouldn't display properly because the browsers we have here at work are so old. (That's something that constantly annoys me!) But as far as I can tell, there is a fee for it which is too expensive for me. So I will not be joining up for that one. Just stick with the free podcast for now. But my motivation level was feeling a bit deflated after that.

Next up on the whinge list is my pants. I hate my pants! I have a certain number of work pants, just enough to get me through the week. But there are these two pairs that both make me feel really frumpy and short when I wear them. The length and the cut are just wrong on me. Yet I seem to end up having to wear one or both of them every single week. It drives me nuts! I chose to wear the grey ones today - I seemed to hate them slightly less than the brown ones when I woke up this morning - but I forgot that there's a split seam where the zip is and I have to wear a long top or the safety pin I put in to keep the seam shut shows. Plus it's irritating (both physically and emotionally, hah!). The other pair have an elastic waist, but they're even baggier and I didn't feel like wearing brown today. So I've got my grump on thoroughly! I'm trying to save money at the moment, but I'm so thoroughly fed up that I've resolved to go shopping tonight. I'm sick of wearing clothes that make me feel frumpy, sick of wearing shoes that have holes in them and all the support in them's been squashed flat so my feet hurt after doing a delivery. I want something girly that will make me feel special. I want something new and different. I'm bored!

Let's see, what else is annoying me this week?

In Other News ...

Don't feel like going for my Lunchtime Walk today. I can't get up the motivation, no matter how hard I try, no matter what rewards I promise myself. I just have this feeling that I don't want to go outside. It's not the exercising that I'm having an aversion to in itself, it's going outside. Sometimes I think, when we don't feel like doing things, it's not laziness. It's some other instinct. Perhaps I'm not meant to go outside today. Umph. Maybe that's just the Grumpy Monster's excuse. Who knows?

Short and Grumpy

Been very tired the last few days, also sore back and hip. I hate feeling like this. I just want to do stuff! Haven't done any of the things I'd been meaning to do this week, like tidying the house or applying for jobs. I'm just too tired. Been trying to eat less as well. As well as being healthier, it saves money, too. But perhaps I haven't been eating enough? Or not the right foods?
Boy and I didn't have time to make lunch today because we had to clean up after the cat. So we decided to buy lunch. But I think I might just have some of the porridge I have at work and save the money. There's two problems with that, though: 1. it's my last one, so I won't have anything for breakfast tomorrow. 2. I'm so very bored with porridge!! And I haven't had any protein yet today and I'm so very tired. Yet ... I don't want to buy lunch because it would involve spending money, and I'd have to leave the building in the cold and rain. Eugh. Enough whingeing!

This post was transferred from calorieking.com.au