Doing Things (?)

Currently I'm between jobs, unemployed, underemployed. I even said to someone yesterday that "my job situation is complicated". I guess it is. I currently have 4 leads and am waiting for a call back. No calls last week, but the sense of finiteness regarding spare time has been in the back of my mind. I wouldn't say that I 'wasted' last week -- I spent my time doing some things that I wanted to do (gardening, watching youtube) and not doing other things that I wanted to do (art, craft, writing). I guess I didn't feel like doing things things so much, so I didn't. But late last week I was thinking about making a list of things I'd like to have done, or at least done some work on, before going back to working 5.5 days a week.

Things that included: tidying up in the garden, finishing a craft project, having several blog posts lined up, exploring some different themes in my art. I guess I wanted my remaining time to be a bit more structured. Like writing a list of things to do each morning isn't structured enough? It would be good to actually do most of those things, instead of leaving half of them for the next day (and the next!).

I didn't think about it too much more until this morning when I was reading some stuff online and randomly happened to come across this blog post Minimalism: Time. I read a few other posts from the blog as well. The writer seems to be very young, and yet very focussed and has a lot of tools for making her life the way she wants it. I'm not sure I'd have every hour of every day day of every week planned out like in her example calendar (though I was tempted to draw up one of my own for about 3 seconds!). It did remind me however, of how much time I waste. It's almost as if the more time you have, the less you value it.

The last few months, I've been playing a lot more ipad games. Some of them get you sucked in by having timed quests, so that you need to return at regular intervals to start the next stage of the quest or else you miss out on the rewards. They can be very compelling. I've even caught myself thinking: "I have to make sure I get that Thing! It's important!" I go to bed thinking that I'm going to prioritise checking the game in the morning. Obviously, I find it fun and relaxing, and I can do whatever I want with my time, but at the same time I think there are more fulfilling things I could be doing!

There are about a billion books, blogs and articles on productivity and Getting Shit Done out there, and I've read quite a few of them. I guess this one struck me because I've been thinking about how I spend my time lately. I was also affected by the description of time as sacred -- if you waste it, you can never get it back. It also talked about alive time vs. dead time, which I'm not quite so into (perhaps if they changed the terminology?) but I do understand. It's all about productivity. Or always focussing on what you really want. Or something.

As an antidote to all this, this morning I also read Bjorn Bull-Hansen's latest blog post: The Automation Revolution. Actually, in some ways it's on the same theme -- that of spending your time doing things you want to do, and that make you happy.

So, I decided to re-visit the exercise I first did about 5 years ago, from whats-her-name of the 168 Hours book. (Sorry, too busy writing to look it up right now!) I'm going to keep a record of how I spend my time for 1 week, then analyse it and see where I can make changes. I can already think of a couple of things off the top of my head! Like changing my facebook settings so news articles aren't the first thing I see. I log on there to see what my friends are doing, not to get swept up in reading articles on the latest meme or why you should eat rice for breakfast or what horrible people did next!

Of course, observing something changes it, and if I'm already thinking of changes, then I might not want to wait a whole week to implement them and yadda yadda. But I will just continue on for today and see where it goes. Although, I have to say, spending 20 minutes unable to type because the cat was sitting on my chest was not really in my plans today...

What's Come Over Me?

I've been having the strangest time lately. I keep oscillating between feeling amazing and feeling like crap. With the exhibition coming up in a few days though, I guess it's understandable. I'm excited and terrified at the same time. I don't want anyone to read my zine, but I want everyone to read it at the same time! I'm scared I won't get it done on time. I'm scared people will think my paintings are too weird. I'm scared no-one will buy any, and I'm also scared of letting go of my babies.

Monday was a very strange day indeed. I put a lot of concentrated effort into working on the zine and feeling really good about it. Then I did a 20-minute indoor walk video. Then I did 5 Kpop dance videos! And I still felt great! Then after Husband got home, I went out and mowed until the battery on the mower ran out! And I still didn't feel exhausted! I wish I had that sort of energy all the time.

Also on Monday, I'd been watching some youtube videos at lunchtime, and was feeling relly inspired by some of the vlogs I watched. I thought to myself, I want to start vlogging! I mean, what kind of crazy talk is that? I started thinking to myself, it's a new year, I should try something new! I have more way personality than the people in a lot of the vlogs I see! I'll wow them with my funny face and offbeat wit! I even went into the bedroom and made a really short video, just to see what it was like. I discovered several things:
* the camera on my ipad is actually not that bad.
* the light coming through the bedroom window isn't actually that bad.
* I might scrub up ok if I wore makeup and did my hair nice and wore a nice top.
* wow, I look like my Mum! (but not in a bad way!)
* I didn't hate my voice as much as I thought I would. In fact, I quite liked it.

I even googled how to make a vlog, but that was when the doubts flooded in. All the photos of celebrity youtubers and articles on how to engage with your viewers and increase your views and ugh! I remembered that my life is boring and I'd never have anything to talk about and I can't talk to real people let alone a camera and my anxiety would kill it and I gave up on that idea. But still...

More on 2017

In the New Year, I wrote a list of goals on my main blog (or is it my craft blog, or my hobbies blog, or my blog I don't mind the general public seeing as much? Ahdunno!). I created 9 goals, as 9 is an important number for me. Here they are in short form, to save you from having to click over:

1. Spend more time outside.
2. Share more on the blog.
3. Finish KonMari'ing my house.
4. Plan a regular yoga practice.
5. Continue my rune studies and other spiritual pursuits.
6. Spend more time doing crafts.
7. See if my sewing machine still works; if not, buy a new one.
8. Explore fashion more and take more photos of myself.
9. Play with my dolls more, and make/design things for them.

Even as I was formulating them, I realised they were mostly to do with things I write about on my hobby blog, so I decided to use my Life Square that I created last new year to come up with a more balanced set of goals .... eugh *shivers* goals gwishes (as Havi from The Fluent Self calls them!). I made up a 9x3 grid (because, I dunno, that was just working for me at the time) and slotted the gwishes into it. Then I added in more to fill out the grid:



The 9 gwishes from my hobby blog are highlighted in green. I called it a matrix because that just sounded cool. A few of the gwishes are fairly simple and/or things I'll probably do in the next month, it's true, but I wanted to give myself a couple of easy ones. Self love, baby, self love!

Looking over it again, I also realised that nearly all of the gwishes will further ones on my 101 Things in 1,001 Days list, which is great!

Then I made an attempt to write a list of actions underneath each gwish, but my brain went Ugh!!, and it didn't happen. But I'm back again today, inspired (as I was this time last year) by the organisational prowess of Marietta of Witchy Words, as well as this article I read this morning: Why You Should Be Planning for 2018, Not 2017. Medium has about a billion articles on motivation and suchlike, especially at this time of year, but for some reason that one stuck with me. Well, it has for the last 6 hours anyway.

With both of those influences percolating away in the back of my mind, I determined to have another go at writing a list of actions that will get me closer to my gwishes in 2017. I will use all the lessons I've learned in goal-setting and SMART Thingies and blah blah to craft it. (Can I count it as working on my crafts?)

[fast forward to tomorrow]



I copied out the 9x3=18 gwishes into a new page, and made space for up to 3 actions underneath each one. I greyed out any that I don't want to start working on straight away. I took it easy, working on one gwish at a time, breaking down things into as small actions as possible, trying to make them into Complete Willingness Units (CWU) as Barbara Sher calls them. (Many people have thought of alternatives names for that concept, and I might too one day.) Actually, I'm not too sure I did so well at this part -- most of them can be broken down into smaller tasks, but at least it's a start.

The idea now is to add the matrix to my weekly routine -- the bit where I check my master list to see what I want/need to do for the upcoming week. Theoretically, that should keep things chugging along until I achieve all my goals gwishes! Part of me is tempted to pooh-pooh it all and say I can't/won't do all that. Another part of me is tempted to add more and more until it's completely impossible to achieve. Part of me is thinking, "what if I do other stuff that isn't on the list, then that stuff won't really count!" (I have no idea what purpose it serves to think things like that.) But the article I read says you really have to believe you can do things if you want to achieve them, so I'm really going to try.

Art, Anxiety and Indecision ... and Lists, Apparently

Isn't it funny how, one day, you're excited and motivated and want to do ALL the (creative) things RIGHT NOW! And then the next day, you feel like you're wallowing in mud, it's not worth doing anything and your art is rubbish?

Last week, I felt so sure that I had to create art. I felt it burning inside of me. I wrote about it on my craft blog. I needed to do something to make the world a better place, and I just knew that making art -- art that would make people happy -- was what I needed to do. I held on to this all through the week. Even when I was feeling tired and couldn't do anything creative, I thought, I'm just taking care of myself right now, and that's fine. I'll keep working on it soon. One day on the way to work, I was so excited to start writing that I was almost literally jiggling in my seat!

This week is different, though. My doubts have returned. I'm scared to paint in case I ruin the canvases. I'm at a loss as to what to write about. It seems pointless to finish my zine. Having anything done in time for the exhibition in January seems absolutely impossible and terrifying. The monsters are loud and it's hard to placate them.

I ask myself - why is this? Have I fallen back into "old ways"? Is it just because I'm tired this week and still sick? (And sick of being sick!) Work has been escalating pretty quickly lately, too. I'm working an extra day this week -- I agreed to it months ago to cover my colleague who's on leave at the moment. My workload has suddenly increased and there's more on the way. I've found myself involved in some workplace politics which was something I thought I'd be able to avoid as a temp. I could write a whole post about work, but I'm not sure it would help.

The problem is, I'm not sure what would help. Well, I know some things: more sleep, more walking and other movement. But what else? I'm in one of those moods where I want to change things, do something different. But what? Those people who are into Bullet Journalling are amazing. They spend hours making and decorating beautiful journals, works of art just as much as to-do lists. But then they actually do everything on the lists! Amazing! I feel inadequate and envious, until I remember that I have a chronic illness and they probably don't. (Yes, I know, I'm making an assumption there. I'm just writing out my thought process.)

I make lists and then I don't do most of the things on them. I've been doing it for years. It's almost like a ritual at this stage. No, not almost, it is a ritual, every week. Every season. It used to be every year as well, but I stopped that.

It must work for me though, because what needs to be done gets done. Having everything I need to do written down, whether I do it or not, is also very comforting. I need to keep doing that. Bullet Journalling is not for me, I know that. I already have a system that works for me, in its own way. And my Hobonichi is the place for the pretty things and the daily event diary. I prefer to keep them separate. Plus -- in bullet journalling, you don't cross things off, you just put a little 'x' next to them! Crossing things off is too satisfying, I can't not do that!

(I don't know how I got from doubts about my art to to-do lists!)

Whenever I want to start something new, I hesitate because I think I'll fail. Or it will all happen too slowly because I'm just so tired and I'll work on it tomorrow or on the weekend and then that turns into months later and I'm still sleep-deprived and dissatisfied with my life. But things are different now to how they used to be. I'm different.

What I want to remember is that I have changed. I am changing, all the time. I can start writing and not have it end up as just a big whinge. I can start something and realise it isn't working for me and change it or stop doing it, without beating myself up. Something can take a long time to get done, but that's OK because I can only do the best I can with the time and energy I have.

I need to re-remind myself --
* My perception of myself in my mind is that I work part-time. I actually work 4.5 and sometimes 5 days a week. (This week it's 5.5 days.) That's actually close enough to full-time to be full-time! Give myself the credit!
* I have a chronic illness. I'm not just lazy or tired because I don't exercise enough. It's actually the other way round most of the time.
* I do pretty well considering my anxiety. Every day, I confront things that trigger my anxiety. I'm very brave!
* The world is a pretty tough place at the moment. I'm still not sure yet, but it's possible that my HSP and some other factors mean that I plug into the mood of people around me and the wider world in general. I need to take that into account.
* My art is awesome! It makes people happy!

Wednesday Musings

I mentioned in my last couple of posts that I'm scratching around for a new challenge to keep me motivated, exercise-wise. I haven't had much time to think about it since the Baby Elephant Walk ended. I had a quick look at some distance-based ones, but didn't have a chance to think about whether they'd suit me or not. I don't know if "distance-based" is the right description, but basically it's a challenge where you go for your normal walks etc, and then after each session, measure the distance you walked along a famous road, walking track etc. Like the one I did earlier in the year, the Great Ocean Road challenge. The good part about a challenge like that is that the towns or other landmarks along the way can be like intermediate goals. Plus, you have a well-defined finishing point. The downside is that you have to spend time working out the distance you walked (or converting if you did a different type of exercise) and then measuring it up against the route. Another type of challenge I thought of, is to walk to various landmarks in the city. The upside of this is that it keeps interest local and I'll find out more about my city. The downsides are: it's very similar to the BEW challenge so I might get bored easily; how do I measure the exercise I've done?; questions as to how many landmarks? which ones? how do I know when I'm 'finished'? Then there are weekly or monthly challenges: e.g. spend _ hours exercising in a week, or walk _ kms in a month. The merit of a challenge like this is that I can build on them week after week or month after month. The downsides are: deciding what is reasonable and achievable; giving myself a time limit means I'm wary about being able to achieve it; it doesn't have an interesting hook (e.g. getting to see art). Yes, I tend to overthink things. So far I'm leaning towards the first type of challenge. It's a bit more glamorous than the others, and the defined finishing point is appealing. (I get a sense of achievement and then I can go on to the next challenge!) If I work out the length of the route and intermediate landmarks ahead of time, then measuring my progress against them won't take that much effort. Especially if I also work out pre-determined ways to calculate distance from time and vice versa. (e.g. I walked 30 minutes yesterday in the city, can I pre-determine an average distance for that, taking into account stopping at traffic lights, etc.?) That could totally work. Now I just have to decide which route I want to walk. Where do I want to virtually go? The Great Ocean Road is a popular one, but perhaps something a bit more exotic, one of the famous highways or walking routes throughout the world? A tour of the arrondisements of Paris, perhaps? Anyway, now I'm being silly, but I want to get it all set up soon, while my motivation is still high.

Today is Wednesday

Today is Wednesday: Hump Day as the wage slaves and salarymen call it. And I include myself amongst that group! Aside from feeling particularly cynical today, I'm revved up to go on a nice, long elephant-finding walk after work! I've got my shoes of speediness, clothes of casualness and backpack of lugginess all ready! I need to stop off and buy water of re-hydratedness and snack of energy-replenishingness, but other than that, I'm all organised! I'm fairly tired today (though not as bad as some days), and my back hurts a bit, but I'm still feeling motivated. I really hope I'll still feel that way at knock-off time!
Also, the weather forecast is looking a bit dodgy (winds, possible thunderstorm) so I'll keep an eye on the Bureau throughout the afternoon. I've been known to walk in the rain before, so it won't necissarily put me off if it's not too heavy. The sun is out at the moment though, so perhaps I'll be OK!

Meanwhile ...

I'm not quite half-way through my Baby Elephant Walk challenge yet, and I'm already thinking about ways I can keep my motivation high after I finish it. I did a 'normal' (non-elephant-finding) walk at lunch time yesterday, and I was thinking it would be a bit sad if that effort just got forgotten about. I wanted to channel it into a new goal or challenge. I thought to myself: I'll do a virtual Walk Around Australia! That's a bit far, maybe Walk Around Victoria! Walk Around Melbourne??!Hmmm. I did a bit of googling last night, and there are also various hiking tracks and other famous routes that you can 'walk' virtually. It works like this: every time you go for a walk, no matter where or when, you measure the distance you walked and super-impose that on the famous route. Then you can be like, "I made it to Paris today!" when in actuality you never left your own neighbourhood. Sounds like fun!

One website I found has quite a few routes already mapped out - and when you reach certain goals, you get sent a newsletter with interesting facts and some with recipes from the region you're 'walking' through. It sounds really good, but there's a membership fee, so I'll have to think about it. Then there's another site advertising Walktober, which is an initiative where people walk (obviously) and then enter their details on the site and the aim is to collectively walk to the moon. It's measured in number of steps though, and I can't be arsed faffing around with a pedometer again. Been there, done that, threw it against a wall. (In reality I put it in a drawer, but I was so frustrated with it that I felt like doing that!) I'm sure there are other sites out there, and I could always draw up my own routes. (I get to pore over maps, yay!)

I'm putting way too much thought into this at the moment, considering - as I mentioned earlier - I'm not even half-way through the Baby Elephant Walk challenge yet. I'd like to waffle on for a bit about food too, but I'll save that for tomorrow.

Good morning sunshine.

Good morning sunshine.
Well, I can't decide if I'm feeling optimistic or pessimistic today. On the one hand, the sun is shining, spring is beginning, I'm in the mood to get out there and move my body and experience the world and the fresh air. On the other hand, I feel really mentally tired today. One of my colleagues has been away sick, so I was even more busy yesterday. I felt good in the morning yesterday, but by the time I finished work, I was exhausted. Today, I don't even feel good in the morning, so I'm expecting to be even more exhausted tonight. But ... I felt good in the morning yesterday! Which is a development. Sometimes I get extremely frustrated by the fact that, when I do have energy and feel like doing something physical in the mornings, it just happens to be when I've just arrived at work and I have to sit on my butt for the next 8 hours and while away all my energy doing worky things. But ... such is the dilemma for millions of office workers all around the world. There's no point whingeing about it, I need to find ways to solve it, or work around it.

Meanwhile ...

Last night I discovered Fitblrs. They're Tumblr blogs with Fitspiration. I didn't go looking for them: I found them after linking from some fashion tumblrs that I like to look at. (It seems that in many people's minds, fashion and weight loss are inextricably linked, which I think is very sad.) I'd certainly heard of thinspiration before, but I was never interested in it, with it's awful quotes about how eating even one mouthful of certain foods will ruin your life, etc. I'm sure there are positive inspirations in there as well, but it's not the kind of inspiration that works on me. As I mentioned the other day, I seem to be more motivated by goals of becoming fitter rather than goals of losing weight. And I'm much more into anything positive (moving towards) than negative (moving away). I'm not about to chuck a whole bunch of fitblrs onto my my reader - I already have waaaay too many blogs on there already - but I did have a bit of a peruse last night. There were lots of pictures of yummy healthy foods, people doing exercise, and inspirational quotes. The photos of ladies in elaborate yoga poses were kinda intimidating. And ladies with manly 6-pack abs. But in general I found them pretty inspiring. If I find some I really like, I might add a few to my inspirational links page. In fact, afterwards I even did some work with my weights! In my jammies, sitting on my fit ball in front of an episode of The X-Files.
I also found 3 more elephant models yesterday, though I'll do a separate post on that later.

Monday again!

Monday and I'm blogging again! I think I've realised what it is with Mondays - they're like a new beginning. I always make new plans and think about how I'm going to change things on Mondays - and even sometimes in bed on Sunday nights! Whether I wake up with energy, or wake up already tired, I'm still in the mood to think about positive changes. Monday mornings are like a little mini New Year for me. This is much better than it was up until recently - Mondays were a day of beating myself up and regretting not doing all the things on the weekend that I wanted to do and/or should have done. Not only were they the traditionally subdued day, being the start of the working week, but they were a day when I made myself feel miserable and berated myself for my lack of motivation. As I think I mentioned a little while back, I'm doing a lot less beating up of myself now - it wasn't a conscious decision, I just slowly started to realise I wasn't doing it anymore. And I guess this new attitude towards Mondays is a reflection of that. I often get in the mood to make lists of my intentions, like: I'm going to: drink a bottle of water every day; drink a cup of green tea every day; go for a walk every day; draw every day; craft every day, wear a quirky accessory every day, etc etc! So much to do!Even (as I did last night in bed) making declarations to myself like: "I'm going to lose __ kgs by this time next year! Yeah, it'll be great, I'll look better and feel better about myself and as a reward I can wear a really cool costume to next year's Convention!" Sheesh, the things you think about when you're lying in bed with insomnia! In the warm light of day, I think it would work much better for me if I focused on becoming healthier and achieving fitness goals, rather than losing x no. of kilos. I feel good about the start I've made with that - my Baby Elephant Walk project. Husband and I went for a walk on the weekend as well. At first I felt really stiff and achey (well, I'd been sitting still in front of the computer all day!), not to mention embarrassed, hoping no-one saw me, but after a little while, I started to loosen up, and by the end of it, I felt really good. It was only 20 minutes, but it was better than what I've been doing for the last however-many weekends, which is nothing!

Speaking of doing better things, for about the last week, I've been really feeling like I want to continue developing my spirituality. And, in a linked way, doing things that make me feel more calm and peaceful. For example, I had an urge to write some haiku last week. I dunno, I was feeling really attuned to the change in seasons, and I wanted to express it somehow. Then I had an urge to write a short essay about that form of poetry (cause I'm such a dork-ademic, hehehe), which I posted on my Craft Blog. I had to write it during my lunch breaks, as by the time I get home from work, I'm too physically and mentally tired to concentrate on anything like that. On the weekend I don't feel so bad, but my brain is in a different space: my time is taken up with socialising, and surfing the beauty blogs and inspirational tumblrs (and exercising last weekend, for the win!). But when I step away from all that and remember the core things, that's when I feel the best.

I don't really like to talk about my spirituality. It's very private for me. It's a bizarre mixture of Western, Eastern and elements that most people wouldn't even consider to be related to spirituality. I was about to write that it's irrelevant to this blog anyway, which is supposed to be about my health and fitness. But I don't think that's 100% true. I try to take a holistic approach where I can. That's why I've decided to try acupuncture.

Meanwhile...

Meanwhile, on a slightly more earthy and only vaguely related note, my dandruff problem seems to be clearing up. If you've never had dandruff, then you won't understand how embarrassing it can be and how much of a blow to a person's confidence it is. When it started to appear, I got a bottle of trusty Head & Shoulders Dry Scalp, which always worked for me in the past. But after using up 3/4 of the bottle, I finally had to admit it was making the problem worse. My hair was even feeling greasy, which is a problem I don't normally have. So I switched to Selsun Blue. I only used it for the first time yesterday, but I can see an improvement already. Things are looking up!

I'm Going Elephant Hunting!

No, no, it's not like that! I'm participating in the Mali In The City event to celebrate the 150th anniversary of Melbourne Zoo, by showcasing their celebrity baby elephant, Mali.



50 life-size fiberglass models of two-year-old Mali have been decorated by artists and placed throughout the city. Afterwards, they'll be auctioned off to raise money for Fight Extinction. I'm terribly excited about it, and I want to find them all! And I vow that I will not drive, I will not take public transport ...I will walk to find them all! What a great way of getting outside and getting some exercise.

Anything worth doing has its hurdles, though. I found out pretty quickly that there's a Mali in the City app, and downloaded it as soon as I could. It has a map of where each elephant model is and details of the artists, along with a Progress Section where you can tick off each one as you find it. There are rewards for reaching certain milestones. I got all excited and planned out which elephant I was going to look for first. I thought I'd start with an easy one - it's only half a block from my work! So I went down there, took a picture of it, and went to log it in the app. Only!........

When I got there, I realised the log function doesn't work on my ipod! It must use GPS to check that I'm actually at the spot where the model is, because it wouldn't let me log it, saying "I don't know where you are." So it must only work on phones and other devices with internet access. But I don't have that! I was so upset I nearly cried! I was ready to throw in the towel completely!

But then I calmed down a bit and realised - I can still do this! Instead of logging my finds on the app, I'll log them on my blog! Yeah! Sure, I won't be eligible for their rewards (not that I even know what they are), but I'll make up some of my own! It'll be even better, because I'll calculate how far I walked to find each model (that'll be easy using the walk/jog/run website). Then at the end I'll have a grand total of how far I walked; imagine how good I'll feel!

OhMiGawd, I just had an idea! I'll call it the Baby Elephant Walk!!! Does everyone amuse themselves this much, or is it just me??

So anyway, I'll start out with determining the rewards for each milestone of the Baby Elephant Walk:
1 elephant found = a packet of chai tea
5 = jewellery-making accessories (ebay)
10 = crochet hook and wool
15 = lunch out (salad, of course!)
20 = a massage
25 = something from Etsy
30 = a trip to Daiso
35 = wool from BWM
40 = a trip to the book shop
45 = a longer massage
50 = new sneakers

I might change my mind at some point about what I want exactly, and how much I'm going to spend, but they're the main things that would get me walking right at this very moment. =)

The Journey Has Begun...

As I mentioned before, I found my first elephant today! So this is check-in No. 1. I was so upset when I couldn't use the app for the first elephant that I forgot to take a picture of it. So I'll use a picture of my reward instead.


Distance Walked: 0.14km
(There & Back)


It's not much now, but wait and see!

The Spirit Is Willing, but the Flesh is just so darned Weak!

I guess some things have been percolating away in my brain this week, because I've done a couple of small things to change. On Wednesday, I went out to lunch, and though I did order dessert, I didn't eat all of it. There were only a couple of bites left, but I was feeling full. Instead of just eating it anyway like is my old habit, I left it.

Then I weighed myself the yesterday morning. I haven't done that in ages. I have it on my Things To Do app (repeating once a fortnight), but every time it comes up, I've been moving it to the next week. Turns out I've been doing that for the 5 months! As the last time I recorded my weight was in March. oooops! And yes, I have put on weight. I'm still below my starting weight, so not all is lost. I wasn't really upset when I saw the number - it was to be expected considering my lifestyle recently, and I'm so sick of beating myself up, wasting that energy, that I didn't even bother. I just felt a sort of quiet determination.

Then this morning i re-arranged my ipod a bit. I have some exercise and weight loss apps that I was trialling. I moved them to the front page in a separate folder so I won't forget they're there. I was trialling a couple that track weight loss with stats, graphs, etc. Previously I hadn't been able to decide which one I wanted to go with. Today I decided to go with Weight Diary Free and entered my current weight in it. (I'm going to check out the paid version and upgrade if it's worth it. Maybe I'll do a review of some soon!) Seeing that graph line going up instead of down made me sad, but again, rather than getting all depressed, I felt determined.

This morning in the shower as well, I was thinking about the concept of Healthy At Every Size. I'm all for it. In my last post, I wrote that I'm not healthy. I think that's actually not true. Yes, I do have some ailments, but they don't stop me from physically doing anything I want to do. I'll admit that one of them is most likely weight-related (high blood pressure), but none of the others are. (And may I point out that I pay the full price for my blood pressure medication - I don't get any tax-payer-funded concessions!) In fact, I've even had one ailment normally associated with overwight (fatty liver) which has gone away, even though at the time I gained weight rather than lost it! That does even my head in! Everyone's idea of what is healthy is different, I think, just like everyone's body is different.

Anyway, I think my point is that in my last post, I was getting 'healthy' and 'fit' mixed up. (They're definitely related, but I don't have time for a semantics discussion right now!) I'm fairly healthy for someone of my weight, but definitely not very fit. Seeing Healthy At Every Size mentioned, makes me remember that my primary want/goal is to be fitter and healthier. I feel motivated to revive my running programme that I created a couple of years ago in response to the Couch to 5K programmes that are out there (which I called the Bed to Couch or B2C). More on that later!

Thoughts

I'm feeling a bit strange today. I still feel like I'm on the verge of doing something. Does it still count if you're feeling motivated, but you haven't actually done what you're motivated to do, yet? =) Unfortunately I won't have time to do a lunchtime walk today, didn't yesterday and won't have time tomorrow, either. That can get a bit frustrating when you just want some fresh air!

For some strange reason, last night I decided to have a look at the fat acceptance blogs on my reader. I hadn't looked at them in months. I only look at them when I feel a certain way, or when I want to feel a certain way. The last few weeks, I've been busy and stressed. Stressed about many things, not the least of which is clothes! There are some social occasions coming up. Occasions where what I wear will be important. Important to other people, and to me. I feel there will be other women there who'll be paying attention to what I'm wearing. Not my close friends, of course, but I think there'll be some who are interested in what "the fat chick" is wearing, and comparing themselves to me. Finding points where they're 'better' than me to make themselves feel better. I know women do it all the time, heck, I sometimes find myself doing it!Often when I see another fat girl in public, I look to see what she's wearing, etc. And often I see her looking at me and I wonder if she's doing the same. And I think, why can't we be friends and support each other, instead of playing off each other like that??
There's also the comic convention coming up in a few weeks. Husband is dead-set on going. I dream about one day wearing a beautiful outfit, but then I think that I'm still too big and people will laugh at me and I'll wait til next year when I've lost some weight and that'll be better and I'll enjoy it more. I get really mad at myself when I start thinking like that. How long am I going to have to wait for my life to start??
And then of course, there's my holiday to hot climes which I'm still totally unprepared for, not only clothes-wise but mentally. I mean, I haven't worn my bathers at all in about 2 years, and we signed up for a Barrier Reef activity which will involve me being in them half the day! What was I thinking!? I suggested to Husband that we go to the pool a few times before the holiday, to get me used to being in them and hopefully feeling comfortable around other people in them. Do other people have to do that, or is that just me?? =)
Strange really, when I think about it. I feel more comfortable getting around in my bathers in front of a bunch of people on a pontoon, than I do being fully dressed in front of a bunch of anime fans. I'm a very strange person, aren't I?

I don't want to lose weight to become sexier or have people notice me. On the contrary! Many fat people say they feel invisible, but I feel the opposite! It draws so much attention - attention that I don't want. All I want is to fit in, to melt into a crowd and become invisible. To live anonymously in the city without any hassle or trouble, without anyone noticing me. But no matter how hard I try, I can't do that. I could dress as boring and slobby as possible, with no makeup, but people would still do a double-take when they saw me. I just want to be normal.

Anyway, so I guess last night I was just looking for a bit of validation. And well, I didn't find it. But I understand why. I don't fit into the Fat Acceptance movement, because it's about valuing yourself (and having other people value you) the way you are, without changing. They're not interested in reduction, and that's perfectly fine. Everyone is on a different path. I don't fit into the Healthy At Every Size movement, either, because frankly, I'm not really healthy. Plus, reading about HAES makes me realise that, although I say I want to do physical activity for the fun and health of it, deep down inside I still have the ulterior motive of hoping that I'll lose weight along the way. And being disappointed if I don't. So it seems a bit wrong to get involved in that. I also tried reading a few weight loss blogs a while back, and realised I didn't fit in with them, either. I couldn't relate to the attitude they took, the inspirations they used didn't inspire me at all. The goals they have are too out-of-reach for me, and the methods of achieving them too torturous. I just don't seem to fit in anywhere. But I'm used to feeling like I'm different, that's nothing new.

One thing I can certainly say about reading the fat acceptance etc blogs is that it makes me think about things! It seems I'm still struggling with my stated aim of "accepting myself the way I am, and losing weight at the same time". I wonder if that's even possible! If you were happy, there'd be no reason to change, would there?
Anyway, I have to get back to work now. I don't have time to think about this anymore right now. Perhaps on the weekend!

Monday Again??!

It's Monday and I'm posting in my blog again. I'm so predictable!

I had a pretty good weekend. I ate, I drank, I stayed up late, I sat around on the couch watching the Olympics opening ceremony. On the healthy side, I went to the chiropractor and ... well, that's about it, really! =)

The best part about it was - I didn't beat myself up about it at all. It feels so freeing. Beating myself up about things I haven't done hasn't worked. I think it rarely does, for anyone! The other approach, of just relaxing and going with the flow, is much less stressful. I just wonder though ... when will things actually start to change? There's a danger in becoming too complacent. I'm worried that I'll just slide along through life, then suddenly I'll wake up one day at 60 and realise my health is ruined and there's no going back. That's terrifying.

How many times have I tried to change and it didn't stick? Why is that? I don't really have time to go into that right now, seeing as I'm on my lunchbreak at work. It needs some quiet time alone, and probably lots of it, at that. In the meantime, last night I decided that I'd do one good thing for myself every day, no matter how small it is. That can't be too hard, could it? They could include:
* drinking a cup of green tea
* going for a walk
* drinking a milo instead of eating chocolate (which was a habit that I thought was fixed - until I ran out of milo at work!)
* meditating
* eating a piece of fruit
* drinking a bottle of water
* eating an egg or small snack before I leave for work
Obviously, I should probably be doing all of these things every day, but I just want to start with one small step, and keep it going every day so that at least I'm starting to focus on it. Ease myself into it with baby steps instead of going cold turkey. Except I think it's only called 'going cold turkey' when you stop doing something suddenly, not when you start! But you know what I mean. Anyway, now I'm rambling.
The End.

So this is Thursday.

So this is Thursday. Nearly the end of the week, and only one sleep til I can sleep in. Yes, it's kind of sad that ones of the highlights of my weekend will be getting to sleep in, but we all have to start somewhere, right? Last Saturday morning I was so happy to be able to stay in bed, that I played Pocket Planes for a while, then I had a nap, then I finished the graphic novel I was reading. I was in bed til about 11.30! How decadent! Normally I'd beat myself up about it, telling myself that I was wasting the day and I had better things to do. But really, what would I have been doing? Sitting on my butt and surfing the internet and eating unhealthy food, not doing exercise or housework or anything I should be doing. I think I've been beating myself up less lately because I'm more realistic. I know that most of the things on my To-Do list are horribly overdue, but many of them are things that aren't really important, like paint my toenails. I just don't feel like doing that right now, and that's OK. I'll do it when I feel like it. Other things are admittedly more important, like exercising and keeping my budget up-to-date. Part of me thinks, "Oh well, I'll just do those things when I feel like it as well, it's no biggie". Another part of me thinks, "No, those are really important to do regularly, you should push yourself, no matter how much you can't be bothered." Either way, nothing's been getting done! Or I do something once, pat myself on the back and don't do it again. But that can't go on forever, can it!

I still feel like I'm on the verge of a change (big or not so big, I don't know). Not, like, quit-my-job big, more like an internal change. I know I've been saying that for a while, but I still feel it. For ages I've been avoiding things - I've been eating unhealthy foods without thinking about it. Exercising just a little bit each week, and telling myself it's enough. Filing away the inspirational emails from Mind Coach without reading them. Not reading the inspirational blogs that I used to read, either. Looking through fashion magazines and wishing I could wear the clothes now, and feeling bad and hating my life. I know it's going to take up to two years to get to the weight I want. The longer I put off starting, the longer it'll take til I get to my goal. So why am I putting it off?? I'm getting more and more frustrated and I really feel like something's going to snap soon. 'Snap' is probably too strong a word, but you know what I mean. Changes.

In Other News....

Last night I had a really strange dream. I dreamed that I visited a Japanese style bathhouse. It was a mixed one for men and women. I don't know if mixed ones even exist any anymore - since the U.S. entered Japan in the 19th century, they decided that mixed bathing was wrong and dirty and made all the bathhouses build separate sections for men and women (even though it was not perceived as sexual at all by the Japanese). Anyway, so this bathhouse was a mixed one. And I want to stress, there was nothing sexual at all about it. So I went in and started doing my bathing business, and there were 2 guys in there. It all just seemed completely normal and I felt fine. I even got into a chat with one of the guys and we talked about all sorts of stuff, including body image. I found out that he had a lot of the same issues I have - it was really interesting to find out that someone who was so different in many ways, could have the same feelings and worries. I felt really relaxed and was having a nice time talking.
Then some more people entered the bathing room. About 10 people entered all at once, and even though the room was quite large, it felt really crowded all of a sudden. The new people were a mixture of men and women, and all of them were young and fit. I suddenly started to feel really self-conscious. I couldn't help comparing myself to them (mostly the women, but also the men as well with their fitness). I stopped chatting and couldn't think of anything to say. All the negative feelings I have about my body just flooded in. It was overwhelming and I just wanted to get out of there. And that was how the dream ended.

It was a pretty depressing dream in the end, but I think it was one of those dreams that's trying to tell me something. You know - stop comparing myself to other people; stop beating myself up; find ways to love and accept myself; seek out people with similar issues. All that jazzy.

I was going to write a long section about why this just seems impossible right now - with work being so busy and feeling so stressed and tired, it seems like a hard slog. But I'm not going to, because I guess I know deep down inside that it's all just a bunch of whingeing excuses. I've always tried not to make excuses - or at least face up to what they really are when I find myself doing it. Regardless, I don't have time to think about all this right now. I'll sit down on the weekend and really think about it, and draw up a plan of the things I can do, the steps I can take.... Will take?? I've done more than enough over-sharing for a Thursday.

Strange Times

Strange times. This week I feel better and worse at the same time.

Went to see my doctor on Monday night. He did a whole bunch of tests on me, so see why I'm feeling so tired and generally icky. They all came back fine. No problems. The only one worth mentioning is that my cholesterol is on the high side of normal. So he ran me through some small changes I could make to bring it down a bit. Basically to eat low-fat dairy foods, more greens, more olive oil, avocado and fish; and avoid shellfish (not hard for me, I hate it!). All that kind of jazzy.
The problem with my knees, he said, is wearing away of cartiledge, which a lot of young women get, whether they're overweight or not. I was really relieved to hear it - I was dreading the answer would just be "you're getting old" or "it's just because you're overweight" or even "it's early-onset arthritis". (It was nice to be described as a 'young woman', I have to say! eheh) So he told me to avoid stairs where possible, and also losing weight would lessen the effects as well.
So it seems that physically there's nothing wrong with me, which is great. Then we had a good old chat about things in general, my routine, how I've been feeling lately, etc. It was a bit of a pep talk, too. I definitely came out of it feeling more more motivated and happy. Yesterday I was even in the mood for making grand declarations like: "My new routine is walk Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays, weights training Tuesdays and Thursdays! More walks on the weekend!" Today, I'm not feeling quite so enthusiastic. Or maybe I don't believe that I can really do it. Or maybe I'm just tired!
When I explained my lunchtime walks to him, he said they're not the most effective exercise because you need to exercise for at least 20-30 minutes minimum to start burning fat, less than that and you're just burning carbs. He didn't discourage me from doing it at all, just encouraged me to try to fit in longer exercise sessions. It was a little disappointing, but I'm certainly not going to give them up! Because: a) at this time it's the only time during the day that I have the energy to do anything, so I want to take advantage of it; b) burning carbs is better than sitting on my butt burning nothing!; and c) I feel mentally much better and less sleepy in the afternoons. As well as d) it's good for me to get out amongst people and see things; and e) it's something to do anyway.
I just got back from today's walk, and I feel pretty good about myself. Yay!

That Clicking Sound

Was so excited about my juicer, that I forgot to update about my pedometer!

I wore it on Saturday - that was an at-home day. I didn't do any exercise and I just pottered around the house and did a little housework. ~3,600 steps (sorry I don't have my record with me, so it'll have to be estimates). I was actually quite surprised - I thought it would be less, considering I didn't leave the house at all that day. But at the same time it was kinda scary, as sources say you should have a minimum of 10,000 per day. But it was interesting to note, anyway.

I wore it on Sunday - ~7,300 steps. That day, I went to shopping and we walked around the shopping centre quite a bit. Other than that, I did exactly the same as Sat. Then just before bedtime - disaster struck!!! The pedometer fell in the toilet!! I pulled it out after only a few seconds, but it was full of water!!! Boy/Man took it apart and tried to try it off with my hairdryer, but there was all this condensation on the inside of the display. However, the display started working again. I waited with baited breath until the next morning, and it was OK. Phew!

I wore it on Monday - (first day of official challenge) ~7,400 steps. It was interesting to see how many steps I take on a typical weekday. I think wearing it spurred me on to walk more, get up for stuff, etc. I was very tired when I got home though, so I didn't do any exercise.

I wore it on Tuesday. - ~7,800 steps. By this stage it was getting quite annoying. The only way it will measure properly is if I wear it on my pants-band, in the centre of my back. It won't work if it's attached on the side. It was fine if I was just walking around, but with sitting, getting up, etc., it kept loosening off and it fell off a few times. Once on the tram even, which was quite embarrassing. And, of course, when I'm sitting down, it digs into my back. So, I'm a bit over it. I've decided to wear it a few times on days when I'm doing different things, and take an average.

I didn't wear it on Wednesday - estimated ~9,200. It's only higher because I went out for lunch, and then I walked to the end tram stop (counting the no. of steps in my head as I went). I did notice that, throughout the day, I was less enthusiastic about jumping up and walking around for things at work. But then again, my colleague was away sick so I didn't have time to think about/do it anyway.

I'm not so excited about the pedometer anymore. I'm not so excited about the juicer, either. I'm not so excited about anything, really. I'm very tired, all the time. Even when I wake up in the morning.
I'm only up so early this morning because I had another nightmare. That's two nights in a row. I won't go into tonight's one because it touched a bit close to home. (Ones like that make me especially tired because I can't stop thinking about them.)
It seems like I haven't done anything that I enjoy doing for a long time (except for surfing the internet, cos that takes no energy), and it's starting to get really frustrating. I've always known that when I don't do anything creative/self-expressive, I get down and frustrated. Sure, surfing the internet is fun while I'm doing it, but I'm not actually doing anything, and that makes me sad and regretful, that I've wasted my weekend or my evening. Some people are happy just to do that in their spare time, but not me. I like to do and make things. And when was the last time I made anything?? Ages ago.

I know that 'all' I need to do is just start exercising again, build up slowly and I'll have more energy. I'm so exhausted all the time though, I'm finding it very difficult to start.
However, I'm not the kind of person to lie around moping about it! I'm the kind of person who finds out more! So I googled 'how can I exercise when i'm tired all the time?' and found some tips from others on the intertubes:
- take aloe vera juice every day
- eat foods high in iron and vitamin C or take supplements
- take a supplement with B vitamins
- take a multivitamin
- take this stuff called tre-en-en which has plant lipids
- get at least 8 hours sleep
- get quality sleep
- eat less at night so you will get to sleep better
- go to a sleep clinic
- get tested to see if you have anaemia and/or diabetes
- eat healthier
- just start exercising

These were all from normal people (not experts) and people trying to flog their products, so I'm taking them for what they are. Perhaps good advice, perhaps not.
All I know is - something has to change.
It's time for me to start getting ready for work now. Hopefully I can make some time to think about these things soon.

Could I be changing - for reelz??

Yesterday I had a bit of a heart-to-heart with Boy/Man - by email. We're a 21st-century kind of couple! I won't say I had an 'epiphany', but it did get me thinking - and got me much more motivated.

So I spent lunchtime yesterday working through the first free e-pamphlet on the My Mind Coach website: The Five Biggest Diet Mistakes That Keep You Fat. Normally I'm a bit wary of these sorts of things, but it seems genuine, non-scammy, and has a lot of information that really makes sense to me. I got up to Mistake No. 4. I was actually excited by the idea of doing homework!

Then, after work, I listened to the Chocolate Craving Hypnosis mp3 that I downloaded from the site (again, for free). It was pretty good. Hypnosis recordings usually need to be listened to a number of times before they have a lasting effect, so I'll need to be persistent with that one. Though! - I did notice, last night, we had some sherberts for dessert, and I got that sickly sugar feeling after only having 2. So, hmmm!

Then, after that, I was thinking about the section in the e-pamphlet where it talks about emotional eating. So I decided to write about the 'episode'/'incident'/'whatever-you-want-to-call-it' that I'd had on Monday night. I wrote in great detail about what happened, how I felt and what I was thinking, before, during and after. Analysing it and thinking about it seemed to help. It made me more determined not to let it happen again.

Tonight, I'm looking forward to finishing off the first e-pamphlet. There are plenty of inspirational posts and things to do on the website's blog as well, so I might have a look at some of those, too. I'm feeling really determined and inspired right now!

Strange Days

It's Week 5 at my new job, and I'm feeling strangely motivated. I must have unconsciously decided that it's time to get on with my life again: yesterday I came home and danced for 20 minutes, and today I went for a walk at lunch time! It's not much compared to what I used to be able to do, but it's a first step, and I'm proud.

One thing that's not working so well anymore: my food diary. (I also record exercise, cravings and colitis symptoms.) I have it on an Excel spreadsheet which I used to keep on a USB stick. When I was at my old job, I'd update it throughout the day during quiet moments. As hard as it is to remember what I ate and when, it's even harder to remember when I had stomach cramps, etc. So it was great to be able to update it throughout the day. When I got my new job, I knew I'd be too busy to do that, so I saved the spreadsheet to my home computer. Instead, I have a little notebook on my desk, and I write my observations in it. When I get home, I copy them into the spreadsheet. There's only one issue with that! I tend to get very behind on copying the data to the spreadsheet - it's such a chore! But I don't want to give it up. I really do think keeping a food/exercise/symptoms diary is very important. So what other options/formats are there?
The first thing that springs to mind is an app. I love playing around with my ipod and I always have it with me. So that seems like a great solution, right? But! At work, it wouldn't be a good look to be pulling out my ipod and fiddling with it throughout the day. Not to mention, where would I be able to find an app that tracks reflux and intestinal spasms??! Whereas, the method I've already been using - of quickly writing things down in a notebook - is working fine. So maybe I just need to formalise that. The diary is already exactly in the format I want, so I'll try printing out some blank copies and seeing if I can make them into a booklet.

In Unrelated News ...

I came across this website today: My Mind Coach. It's all about the psychological aspects of overweight and weight loss. At first glance, it seems to have some interesting exercises and inspirational articles. I've also downloaded a free e-book: "5 Diet Myths" and recording: "Stop Chocolate Cravings Hypnosis". I'll check it all out and report back!

Happy New Year!

Coming to you from my iPod today, typing on tiny keypad is excruciating, so even more brief than normal.

Well, happy new year, everyone!

Wish I could say a lot has changed, but it's only been a few days.
Decided to measure blood pressure once a week. On Saturday was much lower than last time - just high instead of astronomical. Very relieved. Was taken under optimal condition this time, so more accurate.
Have still meditated every night in bed. Terrible at it. Need something to concentrate on. Found an app which has sessions of. Various lengths, yet to try.

Have made a list of 10 goals for 2012. Have a tendency to do such lofty things this time of year. Undecided whether to share or not. Last year's effort a total flop. But had a pretty tough year. Such is life.

Post would have been much shorter if not for predictive text. :)

App of Wisdom!

Today's the last working day of the year for me. Strange. This year has gone so quick. So much has happened, yet nothing has happened. I'll save the maudlin reflections for another time, perhaps.
At the moment I'm busy planning my little New Year's Eve Party / Anniversary Dinner / Night-In that Boy and I have every year. I'm planning 3 courses with 2 entrees and 2 desserts. It's not as spectacular as it sounds. The main is nachos - easy! - and most of the other stuff I can make ahead of time and stick in the fridge. Boy is taking care of the drinks. Then all we have to do is line up our DVD queue for the night and we're all set!
Yes, we're boring.

The weather's going to be hot next week, so I might have to limit my exercise options to indoor-only. That's fine with me though, more reason to keep practicing with my Zumba game! I've decided to revive my running programme for next year. It's a dream of mine to be able to run (or jog at least!). I mentioned on my blog a while back, that I checked out the various Couch to 5km programmes that are out there. Well, my fitness level isn't good enough to do even Step 1 of any of them! Step 1 involves intervals of running/jogging for 90 seconds per interval (if my memory serves me correctly). I can't do that straight away! They're billed as a programme that anyone can do! What a load of rubbish! Instead of getting all depressed and down on myself, I decided to stick it to 'em and create my own programme! I called it the Bed to Couch programme (B2C). The objective is to start with walking 20mins (Level 0), then interval training starting with 10 seconds jogging alternating with walking (Level 1), then finally working up to the level where the Couch to 5km starts. I worked on it a for bit last summer until I got sick and everything slid back downhill again. I think now is a good time to revisit it.

Here's today's quote from my "App of Wisdom":

Fill your bowl to the brim and it will spill.
Keep sharpening your knife and it will blunt.

BLAP!

Yesterday I was reading back through some of my old posts and re-discovered the BLAP (Body Love Action Plan). I laughed, but I also remembered how it was helping me. But most of these things seem to slip away before they become a habit. I want that to change. I want change!

Whoa, what's come over me?

Perhaps it's just that time of year. I haven't consciously thought about the changeover from 2011 to 2012, but I usually make some kind of commitment to change. Perhaps deep down inside somewhere, my unconscious has realised what time of year it is, and is getting into the usual mindset. Or perhaps it's the travel. Whenever I come back from travelling, I always seem to have developed a different perspective on things. I'm surprised, but I do seem to. I was only away for 10 days, and I 'only' went to a country with very similar culture and same language. But it seems that was enough to get me away from my own life - from the everyday - and to jolt me into thinking differently about things. Seeing what other places are like, how other people live ... it just makes me think.
Anyway, enough airy-fairy stuff.

On The Other Hand ...

What a week! Only a few days til Christmas and I've bought hardly any presents, so much to do! I'm even more exhausted than normal, just the thought of exercise makes me want to cry. Even if I had any time for it. And I'm so focussed on all the things I have to do and worried that I might forget something (even though I write to-do lists) that I haven't thought about what I'm eating very much.

Enough whingeing, more doing stuff! A quick look at my food and exercise diary for last week was enough to send me into a tailspin. I scored an average of 50%. Terrible! So how can I improve this week? What's under my control that I can change?
1. be more mindful of what I'm eating, especially at night.
2. keep drinking plenty of water.
3. don't stress out!
That's about as much as I can handle at the moment without freaking out. So we'll see how I go!