Something strange

 Something really strange happened to me yesterday. I discovered a blog I'd totally forgotten about. A blog I'd started writing in 2010, and wrote in (with a few gaps) up until 2017. Then I stopped. How strange. Why did I do that? Why did I stop? How is it that I totally forgot it even existed?

(And yes, it's this blog that I'm currently writing on, in case you were wondering. :) )

I'm not morbid enough to go back through and re-read all of my old posts. I do remember though, that many of the early ones were copied from a w*ght l*ss community that I was a member of. My head wasn't in a very good place for a long time, and that was part of it. I'm glad to leave it behind. 

I remember joining a Fluent Self community forum, where members separately worked on their Stuff in a group setting. I have very fond memories of that and wish it was still ongoing. I think it was at that time that I stopped posting. I was writing a lot, indeed!, but it was all in that private setting. And much of it was pretty deep -- I would have felt uncomfortable posting it in public. 

(Though having said that, I'd be very surprised if anyone reads this blog. Nevertheless, if you are, hello!)

Sadly, the Fluent Self programme (what an ugly word for it) didn't renew once the [you-know-what] started; I'm not sure this is the reason why, or if there are other reasons. I do hope it comes back again in future. The concepts and techniques in it really click with my brain. At least we still have the blog to pore over.

I also remember for a while (before that? at the same time?) joining an artists' community that was focussed on helping one bring their Dream into reality. Did I write about that here? Was that what the "Sharing Circle" posts are?

(ADHD + not using my brain for 3 years + [plague] time being all hinky has really mucked with my memory)

I did love that artists' community at first too, but then I became disillusioned with it, I have to admit. There were a lot of good activities and mini-courses in it, don't get me wrong. But after a while, the weekly check-in thing that we all did became a chore, and when my membership was up for renewal, I didn't. I guess that one just didn't click with my brain?

Funnily enough, the F.S. community also had a weekly check-in; I enjoyed doing that a lot more and did it consistently for a long time.

Around the same time I got my first Hobonichi diary. The later half of 2016, I think, so there's some overlap, but let's just gloss over that. I got into kawaii journalling, in a real-proper paper journal. I mean, who wouldn't pass up an excuse to buy lots of stickers and coloured pens and deco tapes? Maybe that's another reason I stopped writing in this blog? I'm not sure. 

Don't get me wrong, I don't write in my Hobonichi every day! Even though it's a page-a-day setup. I have phases where I'm enthusiastic about it, and log my day every day, and other times when I can't be bothered and leave weeks' worth of pages blank. Again, I experimented with a few different formats. The one I've landed on in the last year is to note a summary of everything I did that day. 

(Well, not *every*thing, lol)

I started doing this because with my memory going downhill, having [the unemploy] and the [staying-at-home-thing] making all the days seem the same, I kept beating myself up. At the end of each day, I couldn't remember anything I'd done, and assume I'd done nothing, and get really harsh on myself. So I started noting down things like: what time I woke up, appointments I went to, housekeeping and gardening activities, podcasts listened to, books read, meals cooked (if interesting/different/fun), TV/movies watched, etc. Sometimes I add quotes, interesting facts, things to think about, etc. And then encrust it with stickers and deco tapes. XD

To be honest, most of the time I just note down these details in the notes app on my phone in the evenings, and then add them to my Hobonichi in batches when I'm in the mood. There's something much more satisfying about having things written down on paper. 

(When the [pan-thingy] started, I also did Julia Cameron's Morning Pages every morning for 18 months, but that's another story.)

I'm tempted to start the Fluent Self weekly check-ins again, but I know myself and I know I won't be consistent with it. I'll stop when it becomes a chore, and it'll be a struggle-bus not to beat myself up about it. Don't get me wrong, I think it's an amazing and helpful practice, but I tend to get on a rollercoaster ride of loving/being sick of any activity I do. So no shade against the technique!

And if I were to start the weekly check-ins again (or something else in that vein), would I do it electronically, or on paper? Paper feels much more real, more permanent. More satisfying. And much more private than posting it on a blog. (Even a private blog could be hacked.) Or, if you store it on your computer, you could lose the data. Typing feels much more ... inconsequential. 

(Idea: I could do them in my Hobonichi, then take a photo of it and post it here. Or is that too boring/personal/awkward/something else?)

Or, maybe I just feel like writing lately. I gave up on writing fiction some time ago, but I do still enjoy writing [nonfiction? / other stuff] at times. I *did* just post in my Hobby Blog for the first time in 8 months. I had an urge to re-start the Morning Pages practice. (A brief urge, it subsided quickly!) Or do some Stone Skipping (the Fluent Self term for journalling to a prompt.) Or even write, memoir-style, my story with undiagnosed ADHD, a grab-bag of chronic illnesses and being an extremely introverted artist who can't draw (lol).

(Ptah!! No-one wants to read about that pap! say the Monsters.)

Having said that, I don't know if I'll post in this blog again. Time will tell.

Massages, Motivation and Nasal Passages

A few weeks ago I heard about a massage practitioner through a friend on facebook. Her website says that she specialises in body positive massage for people of all sizes and LGBTQI+ people. She also had a sliding payment scale for people in different economic situations. I thought this was really amazing. So I booked in straight away. I went once a fortnight ago and a second time last night.

She's awesome! Both massages were really good, but the second one left me feeling more relaxed than I ever have before after a massage. Not having those doubts and worries in the back of my mind that she might be judging me by my size or might try and start giving me weight loss advice made such a difference.

We got into a chat and I said to her: normally when I go to see any kind of health professional I have a speech ready in my head to give them about how I exercise regularly and I walk and I do yoga and blah blah. I was preparing that speech on the way to see her. But then I realised ... I don't have to do that with her! It felt so freeing.

I even told her about my blocked sinuses on the off-chance that she might be able to do something about them. She incorporated a facial massage which seemed to help quite a bit, and gave me some advice about steaming my head with eucalyptus oil.

Unfortunately she's only visiting Australia for a month at the moment, so I probably won't get to see her again in the near future. (Also: there's money considerations.) She's hoping to move to Melbourne to live at some point, and there's been interest in her services, so hopefully it will happen. I've always had guilt and issues about doing 'luxury' things like that for myself, but knowing that she has the sliding scale and that my payment will go towards giving access to the service for people with less means than me makes me feel better.

MEANWHILE...

The last few months I've fallen into that frustration again. The frustration of never having any time, wanting to do so much and not being able to, or being too tired to when I finally do have the time. Rosie says that motivation requires three things: time, energy and intention. It's very rare that anyone has all three in abundance. I have plenty of intention but not much of the other two.

I always tell myself I'm not doing enough, I'm not trying hard enough to do all the things I want to do. I try not to use the word 'lazy' anymore, and I try not to label myself as a procrastinator, but it's a constant struggle not to beat myself up about it.

For some reason I was randomly thinking about the things I do/have in my life. What would it sound like to someone else's ears if I told them about it? I:

* Have a full-time job
* Have a second job, which means I work 6 days a week (well, 5.5 technically, but 6 sounds more dramatic!)
* Am a member of 2 artist/creative circles, which I write for at least once a week
* Maintain 2 blogs (3 if you count this one!)
* I study, and I do extra-curricular activities where I can
* I also just started a course for personal improvement, which I've been working on at lunchtimes
* I'm reading 15 books at the moment
* I have so many art and craft projects on the go that they're practically coming out of my ears!
* Have a house and garden to look after
* Have a pet to look after
* Have a husband with a chronic pain condition to look after (he's fiercely independent but that doesn't mean I don't need to keep an eye out for him)

If I was someone else reading that list, I'd be quite impressed. I should give myself more credit!

Frustrations and Delays

I haven't posted my weekly updates from my Sharing Circle here for the last couple of weeks. I keep forgetting. But when I think about it, I feel kinda bad that I'm just copying and pasting. They also occasionally have things I'm uncomfortable sharing on a public blog, and I can't be bothered re-reading and editing them. So. I'm undecided on whether I'll keep doing that.

Ailments
I hurt my foot last week. I either wrenched or grandly stubbed my big toe when I rolled off my bed, and the joint was sore. I just happened to be going to the chiropractor that same night and I mentioned it to him. He thought it might be gout (it didn't start to hurt until some time after I fell off the bed, so I didn't put two and two together at first, and told him it started hurting spontaneously.) Because there was seemingly no cause, he thought it might be gout. Then Husband pointed out that I'd had that accident the day before, and I was actually relieved. Sometimes health practitioners get some funny notions when they're dealing with things that are outside their primary sphere of knowledge. My toe has been steadily improving though, so I'm pretty sure it's not gout.

However, it's brought to light again my fears and frustrations about being injured and potentially disabled. I really, really hate not being at my best. I hate other people seeing me limping. I hate not being able to walk places. I found myself getting quite depressed at times. I wasn't able to go for my daily walk in the park at lunchtime for most of the last week, and that also added to my depression, I think. It seems I need that to "keep me sane", as they say.

Dealing With Trolls
Have you heard about the whole Photo Bucket controversy that erupted yesterday? I'm absolutely furious about it. I have 13 years' worth of photos on there for my blog, and they suddenly want to charge me UD$400 a year to keep doing that?!? People are saying it's tantamount to ransomware, and I just about agree. I got their email about it at lunchtime yesterday, and I had a near meltdown at my desk. Most people probably wouldn't understand ("it's just a blog") but to me it's a big part of my life, and it has been for a long time. I'm proud of having a blog that's been around for so long, and writing for it is one of my most enjoyable and most consistent hobbies. Just in the last few weeks, I've had a burst of enthusiasm about it and even started a second blog so I can write even more! Sure, the text will still be there, but the photos really make a blog, I'm sure everyone would agree.

It's really tough to decide what to do, but Husband advised to wait a week and see what happens. In the meantime, I will start to replace the photos in my more recent posts with ones uploaded directly to Blogspot. Or perhaps I should concentrate on retrieving the oldest ones from P/Bucket in case I can't find backups on my computer??

I Have a Fidget Cube ...
... and it's totally awesome. Thank goodness it arrived yesterday because I really needed something that was a) fun and b) bonus - relaxing. I bought a fidget cube and fidget spinner set for myself and a set for Husband as well. The spinner is really awesome -- it has little LED lights on it that look mesmerisingly trippy when spun. It makes a semi-loud whirring noise when I use it though, and you really need to use it with both hands (one to hold it and one to spin) so I decided to leave it at home and only bring the cube to work. It's small enough to hide in your hand and some of the fiddly functions are silent, so it's much more discreet. I'm finding that I have my favourite functions already. =D

Here's a picture of it (a Blogspot picture, not a P/B picture!!):


(Although, I have no idea why there's a thick black border around it. I'm still figuring things out. Sigh.)

Weekly Sharing Circle : ___ Listens

What happened in the last week?

It was a bit of a tough one again this week. I tried a few different things to deal with my head/jaw aches, and I’m starting to think there are a combination of factors (both physical and energy-related) in play which make things more complicated. I feel like I’m starting to make progress, though.

I’ve been continuing my series of drawings using office supplies. I did a few quick drawings of myself, trying to show my mood through facial expression, colour and symbolism. A cloud raining over my head in blue highlighter was perhaps a bit obvious, but it made me feel better!

After seeing the Van Gogh exhibition a few weeks ago, my interest is continuing. I found a website that has his complete letters (nearly 600) online for free. You can view a facsimile of the original letter next to a translation side-by-side. I just love looking at the handwriting and paper as well as reading the translation. Most of the letters are to Van Gogh’s younger brother Theo. When they first started corresponding to each other, Vincent was 20 and Theo was only 16. I feel really moved when I read the letters and think about the brothers and their close relationship. I guess I also feel close to them because I’m Dutch like them, my grandfather’s name was Theo … and in one photo of Vincent when he was young, he even looks like my Opa. (Madness runs in my family, too…) I did some drawings of the two brothers from photos. I feel almost embarrassed to admit this, like it’s some sort of fangirling hero worship. But then again, I was planning on drawing some fictional ‘heroes’ from the Harry Potter universe, so why not?

I’ve been more keenly aware this week of how reluctant I am to return to painting. I have a really big Stuck! I know that the Unsticking Station is there, but I’ve been so busy, I haven’t had time. I didn’t even have time to work on the Give Your Dream Wings course this week. Now I’m writing my Sharing Circle when I’m supposed to be cooking dinner…. Frustrating.


I did have some nice times this week though. I’ve been going for longer walks in the park at lunchtimes while I listen to podcasts on spirituality. Autumn leaves are falling, but the sun still warms my back most days. Occasionally I get into that frame of mind where I notice everything, every tiny detail, every noise, every smell, and a sense of excitement bubbles away inside me. A joy at how beautiful the world is and how lucky I am to be alive. I spent the weekend with friends: driving, playing games, eating, laughing, and learning how to do nail wraps! Can’t complain.

Weekly Sharing Circle : Yellow Highlighter is an Awesome Drawing Tool!

Things were hard again this week, but I’m starting to come to some realisations which may make some things easier. I’m now fairly sure the headaches and neck and jaw pain I’ve been experiencing are stress-related (“It’s not a tumor!”). The job itself is not stressful, but dealing with my colleague is. I won’t go into too much detail (mainly because I don’t want to think about it too much right now – I can feel the jaw pain starting up already and I don’t want to ruin the nice day I’ve had!). Hopefully some grounding and protection strategies will work.

Meanwhile, I’ve been doing a drawing of myself every day at lunchtime. I decided to use common office supplies. They’re very quick, no more than 5 minutes, but it’s been enough to keep me feeling engaged with my creative side and hopeful that I’m doing something tangible to move forward with my dream. I’ve even been daydreaming of putting the series up in my imaginary future exhibition, and using it to make a point about the mundanity of office work or something like that. I actually can’t draw to save myself, but at the moment I really don’t care.

My yoga class, which I’ve only been to once and found to be an amazing experience, has been cancelled until further notice. I was really quite upset. I’d spent a lot of time convincing myself that I could do this every week, visualising how I was going to get there, how it was going to fit in with the rest of my life, etc. I was really excited to be in a body-diverse environment and to support that. So yeah, that sucks.

Today I did Give Your Dream Wings No. 7. It had been a month since I’d done any work on it, and I felt a little bad about that. I was excited and ready to do more afterwards though, so I decided to try the Crazy Smart Wisdom Council. I asked my dream how to connect with it every day, as that was what I was determined to do after my GYDW lesson. It just kept saying, “love me.” “Love me.”
Afterwards, I thought: I don’t want to do the kind of creativity where it’s just a 30-Day challenge, where you’re pushing yourself, you’re forcing yourself and it ends up becoming a chore. I don’t even want it to be the kind where you’re connecting with it. I want it to be the kind where you BE it – you can’t even imagine not doing something creative every day, because it’s like breathing or eating. If no-one ever sees it and no-one cares, it doesn’t matter. It’s like a compulsion.