Things have been a bit nutty lately. I've been a bit nutty lately, more specifically. I'm not really sure why. The most stressful thing I had in my life has gone. Sure, I've still got a lot to do/organise in the next month or two. Rationally I know I can handle it. Yet my anxiety is zinging away like crazy. Night terrors, everything. Perhaps it's because I'm sick? My mental and emotional defences are down as well as my physical ones? I hope that's all it is. I hope it goes away soon. I find it a struggle to go out in public. I don't want people to see me. I feel self-conscious and ashamed. I feel like I felt years ago. Have I really taken so many steps back, so quickly? The techniques that I've started to develop for increasing my confidence and positivity have fallen by the wayside, and I dread having to go out in public to do even the quickest chore.
Lately I've been focussed on a particular area of my body. I think that I hate it. It's too big, it sticks out too much, it jiggles too much. At this moment it's the symbol of my shame. My thoughts have been pre-occupied with how I can make it look smaller. I can't wait until I've lost weight - that'll take months, years. I need to fix it now.
What I really need is to get over this! I need to breathe.* Go inside. Remember that there's so much more to life than appearances. Really take that on board.
Take a huge, deep breath and let my stomach expand.
* I hate to use such clichéd New Age language, but there's a part of my psyche that responds to it. I'm a big hippie at heart, really.
