The Weekend

I went for a walk on Saturday. Yay me, can I have a cookie now?
I'm so cynical because we walked to the cinema and back to see a movie, so it doesn't seem like 'real exercise'. Though it was 1km each way, so I did have to put in a little bit of effort. Foodwise I only had 2 meals: pancakes with hamsteak and egg for breakfast, and nachos for dinner. So I ate badly, but at least I didn't eat a lot.

On Sunday I was terribly slovenly. After telling myself I was going to do some housework, some craft and either another walk or yoga, I ended up spending approximately 9 hours on Pinterest. Oops. I just suddenly decided that some of my boards needed to be re-arranged, and before I knew it, it was nearly dinner-time. I'm like a collector who can spend all day happily sorting and re-sorting their collection without even noticing the hours fly by. Mine is just a virtual collection. =) Unfortunately I paid the price, though. My neck was sore, my shoulders were stiff, I had a pain in my mouse-hand, my legs didn't want to move. I finally hobbled away from the computer when I was too hungry to ignore dinner time anymore. I'm going to forgive myself because I wasn't feeling well yesterday, for "personal reasons" that I'm sure every woman can understand.
I obviously haven't learnt my lesson about sitting on the computer all day, because I'm strongly tempted to skip my lunchtime walk today so I have more time to spend on Pinterest! I'm not feeling very well again today anyway...........

Meanwhile....

Last week I had a whinge about clothes and such. Well, I've decided not to be so silly and just wear whatever I feel like - not what I feel I should wear; not what suits the weather or the 'feel' of an occasion; not what I dream of wearing but in reality would make me feel very self-conscious. I'm being a bit vague, I know, but there are several events coming up that I was stressing over; they're all different, but I was stressing in the same way about all of them!
That's one good thing that sunk into my head from Pinterest over the last few days. Images of people from the streets with quotes saying that they wear whatever makes them happy, not caring what other people think. I feel very restricted to the kinds of clothes I have access to, as a 'person of size'. But geez, if even Beth Ditto has to make her own clothes, then so can I! (My style is different to hers, but I have the same poor non-existent choice in the styles I prefer.) Although, Pinterest is a double-edged sword, because I found myself becoming envious not only of women who are smaller than me, but women who are the same size and larger as well! Just anyone who seems to be having more fun than me, I guess. I'm currently working on a list of 5 Ways To Make My Life More Interesting. Perhaps I'll post it tomorrow.

Thoughts

I'm feeling a bit strange today. I still feel like I'm on the verge of doing something. Does it still count if you're feeling motivated, but you haven't actually done what you're motivated to do, yet? =) Unfortunately I won't have time to do a lunchtime walk today, didn't yesterday and won't have time tomorrow, either. That can get a bit frustrating when you just want some fresh air!

For some strange reason, last night I decided to have a look at the fat acceptance blogs on my reader. I hadn't looked at them in months. I only look at them when I feel a certain way, or when I want to feel a certain way. The last few weeks, I've been busy and stressed. Stressed about many things, not the least of which is clothes! There are some social occasions coming up. Occasions where what I wear will be important. Important to other people, and to me. I feel there will be other women there who'll be paying attention to what I'm wearing. Not my close friends, of course, but I think there'll be some who are interested in what "the fat chick" is wearing, and comparing themselves to me. Finding points where they're 'better' than me to make themselves feel better. I know women do it all the time, heck, I sometimes find myself doing it!Often when I see another fat girl in public, I look to see what she's wearing, etc. And often I see her looking at me and I wonder if she's doing the same. And I think, why can't we be friends and support each other, instead of playing off each other like that??
There's also the comic convention coming up in a few weeks. Husband is dead-set on going. I dream about one day wearing a beautiful outfit, but then I think that I'm still too big and people will laugh at me and I'll wait til next year when I've lost some weight and that'll be better and I'll enjoy it more. I get really mad at myself when I start thinking like that. How long am I going to have to wait for my life to start??
And then of course, there's my holiday to hot climes which I'm still totally unprepared for, not only clothes-wise but mentally. I mean, I haven't worn my bathers at all in about 2 years, and we signed up for a Barrier Reef activity which will involve me being in them half the day! What was I thinking!? I suggested to Husband that we go to the pool a few times before the holiday, to get me used to being in them and hopefully feeling comfortable around other people in them. Do other people have to do that, or is that just me?? =)
Strange really, when I think about it. I feel more comfortable getting around in my bathers in front of a bunch of people on a pontoon, than I do being fully dressed in front of a bunch of anime fans. I'm a very strange person, aren't I?

I don't want to lose weight to become sexier or have people notice me. On the contrary! Many fat people say they feel invisible, but I feel the opposite! It draws so much attention - attention that I don't want. All I want is to fit in, to melt into a crowd and become invisible. To live anonymously in the city without any hassle or trouble, without anyone noticing me. But no matter how hard I try, I can't do that. I could dress as boring and slobby as possible, with no makeup, but people would still do a double-take when they saw me. I just want to be normal.

Anyway, so I guess last night I was just looking for a bit of validation. And well, I didn't find it. But I understand why. I don't fit into the Fat Acceptance movement, because it's about valuing yourself (and having other people value you) the way you are, without changing. They're not interested in reduction, and that's perfectly fine. Everyone is on a different path. I don't fit into the Healthy At Every Size movement, either, because frankly, I'm not really healthy. Plus, reading about HAES makes me realise that, although I say I want to do physical activity for the fun and health of it, deep down inside I still have the ulterior motive of hoping that I'll lose weight along the way. And being disappointed if I don't. So it seems a bit wrong to get involved in that. I also tried reading a few weight loss blogs a while back, and realised I didn't fit in with them, either. I couldn't relate to the attitude they took, the inspirations they used didn't inspire me at all. The goals they have are too out-of-reach for me, and the methods of achieving them too torturous. I just don't seem to fit in anywhere. But I'm used to feeling like I'm different, that's nothing new.

One thing I can certainly say about reading the fat acceptance etc blogs is that it makes me think about things! It seems I'm still struggling with my stated aim of "accepting myself the way I am, and losing weight at the same time". I wonder if that's even possible! If you were happy, there'd be no reason to change, would there?
Anyway, I have to get back to work now. I don't have time to think about this anymore right now. Perhaps on the weekend!

Rant of the Week

I'm not really going to rant, so I don't know why I put that as the title. It just sounded good.

Not much to report on again this week. It was very busy at work so I didn't have much energy for exercising. However, I did walk on Tuesday, and I did create an Exercise Log. It's just an excel spreadsheet with a page for each month. Each day is represented, whether I did actually exercise or not. That way, I can look at it and see at a glance if I exercised 3 days in a row - or didn't exercise 3 days in a row! I can also see quickly if I'm doing a variety of exercises or I'm starting to get a bit same-same and need to mix it up a bit.

I used to be mad into lists etc that I'd created on spreadsheets. I would watch a movie, read a book or finish a craft project just so that I could cross it off my spreadsheet. I would spend hours adding to them, tweaking them, adding colours and making them pretty. Since I started my new job though, they've really been put on the backburner. Whether it's the time needed to maintain them, or all the things in them that I'd been planning to do that I don't have the time and energy to do right now, I don't know. Anyway, the point I'm getting to with this is - I really hope this Exercise Log spreadsheet can fire up at least a little of the excitement I used to have with all my spreadsheets. Will I be motivated to exercise so that there aren't too many blank gaps in my calendar? Will I be just itching to see my progress as I walk further, lift more, play Kinect for longer?

Meanwhile ...

You see, there's this girl at my work. She's absolutely lovely and cute. She works around the other side of the office, so I don't see her every day, but whenever I do, she's wearing the cutest outfits. One time, she wore a skirt with a large, retro floral print on it. A couple of times, a burgundy velvet dress with tights. I really admire it. Rocking the individualistic office wear! The thing that makes me feel so uplifted when I see her outfits though, is that she's ... well, how can I put it? I hate to categorise people, but I'd say she's about a size 18 (though I'm not very good at guessing these things).
OK, I know this makes it sound like I'm stalking her or something, but I think I just have a new fashion crush, that's all! You girls understand, right?
Having seen her a few times in the last week, I've come to realise that I freakin' hate my work clothes! Oh god, I can't stand them! They do not express who I am one tiny little bit. It drives me nuts.

I'm heavily inspired to get me to the hobby room and sew myself a cute floral skirt. I would just need a black top to wear it with (which hopefully won't be too hard to fined) and I'll be set. I'm not good enough yet to sew a dress that I could leave the house in, but perhaps one day soon.....

But then Negative Brain kicks in and says, you won't have the guts to wear that in public! You'll just look like a fat fool. And all that time and effort will be wasted!
Geez, I hate Negative Brain. She really spoils everything, doesn't she?

But then I was reading some of my positive links last night and I realised -
it doesn't matter what I wear. Haters are gonna be haters. They just are. There's nothing you can do to change their minds. (That's plainly clear from some of the trolling I've heard about online.)
When I walk down the street, there's going to be a certain percentage of people who'll laugh, who'll point, who'll look away in pity or disgust. They'll just see the body, not the person. It doesn't matter if I'm wearing a shapeless black floor-length muumuu, or a horizontally striped mini dress with hot pink tights.

So, to follow that logic, it makes sense to just wear whatever I like, and say, (in the words of wise Janet):

"fuck 'em"!!

The drought is over!

... the shopping drought that is! I made it through to the end of the month without buying anything I didn't need, and now it's time to go shopping! Don't worry, I didn't go too nuts. I just bought a top and pants for work, a nice casual top and one for lounging at home. I'm obsessed with loungewear at the moment! When I get home from work, I just want to take off my work clothes straight away and put on something that's more 'me'. More fun and colourful.
I also bought some hair flowers which are small and unobtrusive enough to wear to work - or I could hot-glue some trinkets to them to make them more interesting.

In Other News ...

This month's wellbeing programme at my work is the Race Around Australia. I was excited about signing up, though it doesn't start until the 5th. This is how it works - everyone who signs up gets a pedometer. You record how many steps you take every day and enter it on the website. It gets added up and it shows you how far along the Great Ocean Road you are. The person who walks the furthest wins a prize, and the whole organisation is added up as well for the group effort. I have no expectations whatsoever that I'll win, but it'll be fun and I'm so looking forward to it!

Friday Kind of Night

Wouldn't you know it?

Have you heard of elimination diets? Well, I'm trying one of my own. The last few months, my innards have been on a rollercoaster ride - some days good, some days bad. After examining my food diary, I've narrowed down the culprits to oily foods, spicy foods or alcohol (either spirits, wine or both). I tend to have various combinations of the 3 on weekends, so I'm usually sick on Saturday mornings, and often Sunday mornings, too. And I'm sick of being sick on my days off! So, a little experiment -
Boy made a spicy curry a few days ago. I've eaten it the last 2 nights and my tummy felt fine. Tonight (being Friday and all) I decided to add some wine to the mix and see how I fare. So yeah, this post comes to you straight from half-a-bottle of sparkling syrah.

In Other News ...

I finally wore my skirt today! It's been literally years since I last wore a skirt! The Bureau predicted it would be such a hot day, plus all of my pants were in the wash, so I thought, screw it! To paraphrase Virgie Tovar, I debuted that sh!t!
And guess what? I loved it!

I Loved It!!!

I thought I'd feel all self-conscious and daggy. I thought it would be annoying having to check my lady-parts weren't showing all the time. I thought I wouldn't have any tops that matched with it at all. Yeah, the top I wore was a little bit long, but it looked fine. I felt great! I felt so feminine and, well, not swelteringly hot! I have pretty good legs if I do say so myself - I have slender ankles and nicely shaped calves, and it was so great to be able to show them off. All day, walking around the office, I was thinking to myself, "look at me everyone! I'm wearing a skirt!" Of course, no-one realised that it was out of the ordinary for me at all. But I felt fantastic! I want to run out and buy more! And some better matching tops to go with them.

However...

Did I mention as well? I'm really trying to save up money at the moment, so last week (on 17th Feb to be exact) I made a pact with myself that I wouldn't buy anything unnecessary until the end of this month. I've stuck to it so far. It's been really hard at times. When I really felt like buying something, I've done some online window shopping, but bought not a whit. I'm quite proud of myself! So, no new clothes for me quite yet. But some next Thursday ... well!

Saturday Things

Not too much else to update you on since my last post. So I'll be a total girl and waffle on about clothes again for a bit.

I did go to Target last weekend I was pleasantly surprised by the range of workwear. I bought 2 nice tops and ... gasp ... a skirt! During the week I debuted the tops (one of them twice! Washed in between, of course!). One of them has a little gaping problem around the neckline, but it's nothing a couple of darts on the shoulders shouldn't fix. (I often have to alter my clothes due to my wierdy curvy body shape.)

I don't normally wear skirts, as I've mentioned before, but I bought just one in case the weather gets stonkingly hot again like it did a couple of weeks ago. If the thought of wearing pants is unbearable, then at least I have another option. I just don't have many tops anymore that go with skirts. Hopefully I can rustle something up that doesn't look too silly. And there's only one way I can style my hair. And half my jewellery and accessories are out ... This corporate dressing thing is getting really tedious already. *sighs*

The other sad fact is - and I hate to have to admit it - I should probably get rid of half my casual clothes. Almost all of the clothes I used to wear to work no longer cut the mustard. So that now means I have a RID.IC.ulously large collection of clothes that I can only wear on the weekend.
2 days a week.
that's 28.6% of the time...
7.1% of the time taking into account that I don't wear my clothes to bed.

OK, perhaps I'm getting a little melodramatic now. But I'm still kinda depressed over it. How I look has always been important to me. How people present themselves tells a huge amount about them. I want to express myself: my quirky, individual, creative, slightly nutty self. In the last 5 years or so, this ideal has slipped away more and more. It's a combination of factors - my weight, lack of range of clothes in my size, working full-time and having to be in an office environment, and at times, not even knowing what my personal style is.

I don't know what the solution to this quandary is. I have so much going on in my life at the moment, what to wear should really be the last thing on my mind. But I can't help thinking about it a lot lately. I keep going back to that old thought of, if only I lost weight, things would be so much better. I just don't know what to do.

A New Chapter

Coming to you from Week 1 of my new job ... the end of that week, that is .... or something like that ....

It's been a real rollercoaster ride. I'm excited to be learning new things and have a more secure position, honoured that I was chosen to work for such a highly-regarded organisation, terrified that I won't be able to learn all the new things and somehow flunk my probation period, not to mention meeting all those new people and wondering what they think of me, worried that I'll say something daft and/or inappropriate. And I miss my old work friends terribly. I can't be myself now, the way I could around them. I feel lonely.

I'm tired all the time. This is completely understandable, so I'm trying not to beat myself up. Of course I'd be tired after having to concentrate on learning new things all day. Also I'm a natural introvert, so meeting all those new people and having to chat with them, etc is very draining. But I've also lost any desire whatsoever to work on my art/craft projects or my lists. I haven't even felt like writing in my blog. When I'm not being creative at all, it makes me feel sad. I hope once I get back into a routine I'll get my mojo back.

I had a dream last night which upset me a little bit. (My dreams can be quite random and bizarre, but I think it reflected some issues I'm really having right now, so bear with me!) I was in a school gym. But it was also a hospital - there was a row of about 4 hospital beds along one wall. All the patients were there to have lap banding surgery. There was one girl who was overweight, but all the others were very slim. I got really angry, thinking they don't need lap banding surgery! Even the overweight girl had such a look of stupid hope on her face, as if she thought it would solve all her problems. I was worried for her - it seemed as if she didn't really know what was going to happen. That made me even more angry.
Then a number of people came into the room, and it was more like a place to socialise. One of the people there was a guy I'd had a huge crush on years ago in real life (before I met Man, obviously). He'd been friendly to me, but didn't feel the same way about me. I always felt pretty inadequate around him.
So I was there trying to be cool, or at least show some confidence. None of the people came up to me to socialise, so I just hung out on my own. I reached up to adjust my ponytail, and my stomach was exposed. Almost everyone in the room went, eeuww! and acted really disgusted. Even some of the people in the hospital beds. I was pretty upset by that, but I tried to regroup myself. Then some music started playing. It was my favourite song. I was so excited! I closed my eyes and started dancing. But after a few seconds I remembered everyone else who was in the room, and stopped dancing. I told myself to stop doing that and said to myself - people with bodies like mine aren't supposed to move them around. They're supposed to stay still. Which in this case meant not enjoying myself and not expressing myself. It made me really sad. Then the dream ended.

What a horrible dream! I was so depressed when I woke up. But I'm very sure I know why I had the dream. All week I've been feeling pretty inadequate.
My new job is in a different part of the city. Even though I still work for the Government, it's in an area with mostly corporate businesses instead of mostly Government buildings; and I've noticed the type of people and how they're dressed tends to be different. The people tend to be younger and dressed in more corporate wear. To be blunt - there are a lot of suits and show ponies! And less people of diverse ages and body types.

I suppose I'm lucky to count youth on my side - I present as being at least 5 years younger than I really am, I've been told. But having a "socially unacceptable" body type is hard, really hard. Perhaps I'm just feeling fragile at the moment because of all the new job stuff. My normally semi-thick skin is worn a bit thin right now. But I can't help noticing how the girls with the tans and perky ponytails and short skirts look at me. Thankfully I haven't noticed this in the office at all, only out on the street. Perhaps I feel more confident in the office because I know that they all know that I've landed a pretty good job? Or perhaps they're just genuinely more friendly?
Either way, I've been spending my lunchbreak inside, at my desk, lemme tell you! A couple of times people have encouraged me to go outside and get some sun: no way, no how! That's how I'm used to spending most of my lunchbreaks anyway - eating lunch at my desk and surfing the internet. (Don't worry, I checked the internet policy with my manager and this is OK.) Before I moved to the new job, I had visions of continuing my twice-weekly habit of going for a walk through the park at lunchtime. But well, there is no park here and the streets are chokkers with people at lunch time. Not to mention that I'd feel like a right wally power-walking down the street in my fancy corporate get up. So I think that's a no-go. I also had visions of doing my other thing I liked to do on Monday nights - which is walking part of the way home from work along the tram line. That is probably more do-able. If I got all sweaty it would be OK, because I'd be going straight home afterwards. But again, I'd have the streets-chokkers-with-people problem. I may just need to experiment with different routes to solve that problem, though. Once my routine is up and running, I'll look into it.

Another thing which the dream touched on a little bit, which has been worrying me a lot is ... CLOTHES! I hate them so much. Last weekend before I started my job, I re-organised my wardrobe. Before it had been pants on one side, tops on the other. Now it's casual clothes on the left and work clothes on the right. I went through all my clothes. It took some time. (And that wasn't even ones that are in the hobby room waiting for repair or alteration!) I'm fine for pants, that's OK. As for tops - of all the ones that I was sure will be OK, plus ones that I thought may be OK at a stretch, there were 10. Out of those, there were:

- one that I would no longer be caught dead in;
- one that I never really liked;
- one that I'm not too sure about and my bra shows if I'm not always adjusting it;
- one that only just fits and it pretty uncomfortable so I hate it;
- one that's new and I've never worn, so I don't know how I feel about it.

So that makes 5 that I feel really comfortable in. (6 if I end up liking the new one.) A couple of those are pushing the boundaries of 'good enough'. And 2 of them are getting old now and are in danger of looking ratty if I wear them too often.
AND ... only one (1) of them is suitable for really hot weather.
Not only that, but looking into my wardrobe, I can see that every single one of them is either black and white, or black and red. I hate black and I hate red! And I hate white too, actually (see my previous post on style preferences). How did this happen??!

A girl can only come to one conclusion - I need to go shopping!

Geez, I hate shopping. I used to love it, but now I only go shopping about once every 6 months, when there's a big sale on. Occasionally I'll go at other times, when I'm feeling really good about myself, but that never lasts for long, lemme tell you! As soon as I see what's available in the larger sizes compared to the 'normal' sizes, it makes me want to curl up in a corner and cry! Even when I go to a shop that caters especially for larger sizes, I can't afford most of what's there, and even though most things come in my size, either they don't suit my body type, they're an ugly colour, too casual, too nanna, or something else I hate about them.

However ... I didn't rush out and go shopping straight away. Over the last week, one of the things I wanted to observe in the office was what the other women were wearing, to gauge what standard of clothes it would be acceptable for me to wear. Then I'd have a better idea of what to buy. Well, it was an exercise in frustration. Every time I saw a woman wearing a top I liked, I thought, 'oooh, I'd like that!' Then I'd think, 'but that won't come in my size, idiot!'

'not in my size.....'
'not in my size.....'
'not in my size.....'
'not in my size.....'

I think I was really driving myself barmy with frustration and confusion. How can I conform to the corporate image, yet still express my creative, quirky self, all within the confinement of the absolutely pathetic range of clothing options available to the larger sized young woman??! Arrgghh!

I'm going shopping tomorrow and I'm really not looking forward to it. Dreading it, even. Afterwards I'll get myself some Japanese stationery to cheer myself up.

Excuse this post for being insanely long, but I just had some stuff to get off my chest. Hopefully I'll feel better now. Man is at work today, so I'm kicking around the house on my own. Time for some pampering, I think!

With My Margarita Beside Me

Yesterday was my last day at my old work. I cried, but not in front of too many people, thankfully! I was there for 4 years. I had good times and bad times (but mostly good ones) and made some wonderful friends. I'm determined to keep in touch with them; not to make the same mistakes I have before.

This weekend I'm preparing to start my new job on Monday. Things aren't going as well as I'd hoped. I injured myself this morning - by running into a wall! I know, that sounds like the typical domestic abuse excuse, but it's true! I was walking along with my (open) laptop and the corner of it banged against the wall. The laptop is fine, but the other corner of it banged into my side, and made me twist abruptly. So now my lower back/hip area is sore and stiff. And I only just saw my chiropractor a few days ago; my next appointment isn't for another 3 1/2 weeks. Murphy's Law!

So I'm just taking it easy and applying Goanna Rub at regular intervals. I've had this kind of injury before and usually it's cleared up in a few days if I do the right thing - keep moving so it doesn't lock up from sitting still for too long, and don't sit/lie in a position which is going to aggravate it. Oh, I hope it's better by Monday!

Complicating matters is that my hormones are all over the place at the moment. One minute I feel happy and optimistic. Literally 5 minutes later, I'm feeling miserable, dreading Monday, can't stop focussing on the pain and feeling like crying.
I keep getting an urge to get online and buy things, to a) congratulate myself for landing a permanent job, or b) console myself for not getting to hang out with my fun work friends anymore. So perhaps I shouldn't make this post too much longer! Boy and I have decided that we're going to save as much money as we can and buy a place of our own ASAP. Hopefully in about a year, if all goes well.

But before I go, to cheer myself up - in my last post I mentioned that I'd post some pics of what I'd wear to work if size/availability/fit/practicality/societal prejudice were not an issue. Note: I would still replace the heels with flats in any of these!



Source: polyvore.com via ApartmentCat on Pinterest.
I love polka dots!
And mixing neutrals with pops of
bright colour in the accessories.


Source: southernbelleblog2.tumblr.com via ApartmentCat on Pinterest.
Hair-wise I'd go with a low, smooth bun,
but I love the bright skirt toned down with light neutrals.
I'd probably not use the sexy/daft facial expression, either.
Just sayin'.


Source: modcloth.com via ApartmentCat on Pinterest.
This checked dress just makes my heart sing!
I'd pair it with a yellow bag in summer,
and navy blue or purple tights in winter.


Source: stylehive.com via ApartmentCat on Pinterest.
I love this sweet, feminine blouse!
The colour makes me smile. Though I might be
pushing it with the little pom poms!


Source: kendieveryday.blogspot.com via ApartmentCat on Pinterest.
Again, neutral greys with a fun splash of colour.
Neat and stylish.

Can I Work It?

Mentioned the other day that I'm starting a new job next week. A lot of my focus at the moment (being a girl, naturally) is on - what am I going to wear??!

At my current job, the dress code is 'business casual'. Being in an area where there's a certain amount of physical labour involved each day, the management are quite lenient and it tends to veer more towards the 'casual' end of the spectrum. (The only real restriction is no jeans except on Fridays.) For a while, after being convinced by some friends that it would be good for my career, I tried wearing more upmarket clothes. But they kept getting ripped when they got caught on things, and dusty when I was in the storage area, not to mention stained when I spilt coffee etc. on them. It was very frustrating - ruining these fancy clothes that I'd spent so much money on. Another important factor is that I felt like a right wally dressed up to the nines when I was pushing a trolley around delivering people's mail. So once I'd ruined all those clothes, I went to the other end of the spectrum and went as cheap and casual as I could get away with. But that didn't feel right either. I felt like a bit of a slob. I felt like - if I wasn't trying at all in my appearance, then people might think I wasn't trying in my work, either. So I went for a happy medium. Proper pants in the winter, capri pants in the summer, and a range of tops which sit all over the spectrum from 'business' to 'casual-ish'.

In my new workplace, the dress code is 'business'. That's pretty daunting, and I feel especially so for someone of my size! The range of clothes available to me is pretty limited. And I limit myself further in what I prefer and what looks good on me. Here's the 'no' list:

NO skirts or dresses! Pants only for me. I used to wear skirts to work years ago. But now ... I have too much to do all day without worrying about whether my skirt is creeping half-way up my leg or if my thighs are rubbing together.

NO shirts! Or at least - no tops with a detail down the front. If the upper half has buttons etc., that's fine. But if there's any detail on the lower half, it just draws attention to my large stomach. And, lawd help me, especially not wrap tops! They just make my chest appear even smaller than it already is.
Additionally, I'm not at the point yet where I can wear a top tucked in, or with a belt. ... Well, a belt is OK as long as it goes just under my bust, and the upper part poufs over.
(When I say '"I'm not at the point yet", do I mean physically or mentally? I'm not really sure of that myself!)

NO long sleeves! Or 3/4 sleeves. They have to be short or I get too hot and the feel of them on my arms is annoying. A lot of people say that girls with big arms shouldn't wear cap sleeves, but I think they're cute, so I don't care. As for sleeveless? Well, you have to be very careful or it looks too casual. If I found the right garment, and it was a very hot day, I might be able to summon up my fabulous alter-ego and give sleeveless a go...

NO white! And probably not beige or yellow either. Not because, as they say, white makes you look bigger, but because white shows up stains worse and I always worry that it's become see-through. (I do look good in most colours except yellow and light orange shades anyway.)

NO heels! I can only wear flat shoes. And only certain types. I love ballet flats, so that's OK. But I can only wear ones that are elasticated or they slip right off and/or rub badly on my heels. Mary Janes (that have a strap over the top) are fine also, but they must have a soft heel or, again, I'll get terrible blisters. Winter is OK because I can just wear ankle boots. I hate shoe shopping, as you can imagine!

That's a fairly specific order, isn't it? Hm, I may have some trouble.

I'm probably being a bit premature here. I don't have any details on what the dress code really is, just a vague description of 'business'. I should probably wait until I have more information - see if there's a guide in my welcome pack, or observe what all the other women are wearing and take my cues from that. But I can't help thinking/worrying about it already, and I do like to be prepared. For fun I had a bit of a trawl through the intertubes, and here are a few outfits that I can see myself wearing:


Jessica from My Life & Style Blog
I would probably look for a jacket/cardigan with short sleeves, though.
And flats, of course.


Random pic from google.
This top has a nice ruffle detail on the bust,
but is smooth over the stomach.


Another random pic from google.
The little ruffle at the shoulder would probably
make me feel slightly less bare-armed!


Jessica from My Life & Style Blog again.
Love this black outfit with coloured layer over the top.
I have a red shrug I wear this way.


Pic from a site with tips for over 40s. Kinda demoralising. =(
This top is quite nice.
Colourful without being circusy.

It was quite hard coming up with these. It was all shirt, shirt, shirt, wrap top, shirt. A bit depressing, really. And, like I said before, I'm not really sure what I'll be able to get away with.

Tomorrow I might look for some outfits that I'd wear if size/availability were not an issue at all, for a bit of inspiration.

Time Flies By

Welcome to Day 333 of 2011....
Day 2 of Week 49....
I just happened to find those statistics when I was fiddling with my work calendar before and thought they were mildly interesting. Time seems to go by so fast; it just flies by. One minute it's the middle of winter, the next, it's nearly Christmas. When I was a kid, I didn't think much about the future. I had my head stuck in fantasy novels and hardly ever thought about the real world. I would never have imagined that I'd own a device small enough to hold in my hand, which can tell my anything I need to know**. Not to mention playing music, videos and games, as well as taking photos and editing them on the spot. And so many other things, the mind boggles! Yes, I have a new ipod touch, and I'm in love.
(**That is, presuming I'm standing in the right spot for picking up wi-fi!)

In Other News ...

Sorry to say, but I've taken down sick again. Just as the weather is warming up, too. I've always thought that having a cold in warm weather is worse. The activities you'd normally do to cheer yourself up - like snuggling up in a blanket or eating chicken soup - just make you feel all sticky and vaguely annoyed. It's not a very bad cold, thankfully. But that's not always a good thing. It's bad enough that I feel I should probably take it easy, but not so bad that I have no energy whatsoever. So there's that little voice in the back of my head that says I should keep on exercising as I was before and makes me feel guilty. That's what sucks about being sick. But at least hopefully I'll better by the end of this week (when I go on my holiday!).

Beauty Blather ...

My first order of Asian beauty products arrived in the mail yesterday, including my first BB Cream! I don't know why I have this pathetic obsession with them at the moment; I'm sure it'll pass at some point like my obsessions always do, and I'll be really embarrassed when I read back on this.
I have a love-hate relationship with clothes; I have a fairly large wardrobe, but it doesn't make me happy. Shopping for clothes usually leaves me disappointed, so I don't do it often anymore. Sure, Asos got me excited for a while, but my purchases were really hit and miss, so the excitement's died down a bit now.
Shoes never got me going at all. I have fairly oddly shaped feet, so there are few styles that I can wear. I find shopping for shoes an annoying and draining experience.
For a long time I had an obsession with accessories and jewellery. In the last few years I've been more careful about my purchases, but I still bought pieces fairly regularly. And I churned out scarves and headwarmers and such things with wild abandon! But recently, whenever I look at what I have, I think to myself, that's enough. I don't need more.
But with beauty/skin/haircare products, you don't get any of those problems! That's the beauty of them. (So to speak. ) They're consumables, so you use them up, and then you get to buy a new one, or try a different one. They have nice smells, or colours, or both. I could go on, but that would be just too boring, wouldn't it?

Beauty Blather

Perhaps I should create a section called Beauty Blather or something like that.
Cos I'm obsessed! I've started to draw up an inventory of all my bath and beauty products, and it's taking a while! I've had to look, not only in the shower and bathroom cabinet, but in my cupboards, at my computer desk, at work, through all my handbags, etc! I'm getting there though. So far the big trend I'm seeing is with bath products. I'll buy them on a semi-regular basis, but this winter I used hardly any up. In the new apartment, there is a bath, but it's set up a bit differently to the old one, and I just don't find having a bath to be as relaxing as it used to be. So I've more been having a shower at night instead of a bath. However, that does mean I can use lots of lovely-smelling shower gel, so can't complain there. But I don't know what I'm going to do with all my bath bombs!!

I mentioned BB Creams last week and, yes, the obsession continues. After trawling through various reviews, I decided to hedge my bets and order a gift set of 4 mini size creams from Baviphat, a South Korean brand. I can't wait til they arrive! (Also got some essentials - face wash and nail polish topcoat - well, essentials for a girly, anyway!)

The world of BB Creams is a complex and (for a noob like me) confusing one. But it's also an exciting one. As far as I can tell, to qualify as a BB Cream (BB stands for Blemish Balm), it just needs to be a face cream that does more than one thing in one cream. For years I've been thinking, how annoying to have to apply moisturiser in the morning, and then sunscreen, and then foundation and whatever else you want to put on. Why can't they come all in one? I was so thrilled when I found a tinted sunscreen a few months ago, it was bordering on silly!

BB Creams are doing all that and more, and they've been doing it for a while. Most of them are formulated for oily skin and are tinted to hide pimples (as the name Blemish Balm implies). They can also have any combination of sunscreen, anti-ageing, whitening, brightening, moisturising, soothing, and others I can't think of off the top of my head at the moment. They have various textures, levels of coverage and colours of tinting. Just like any other beauty product, they can have various ingredients, from mushroom and peach through to caviar and gold dust!
How confusing!
Though, when I think about it, my sunscreen could be considered a BB Cream, I mean really. As well as being sunscreeen, it's tinted and has anti-ageing AHAs in it. I'll just get my label-maker and turn it into a BB Cream myself!

Why this sudden obsession with beauty products? I don't know. I've always liked bath and skincare products. I've liked makeup on and off over the years. I went from flat-out refusing to wear any as a teenager, to not being able to leave the house without mascara on a few years ago. For a few months at the start of this year, I had a problem with chronic eye watering which meant I couldn't wear any eye makeup at all for 2 months. It was insanely frustrating at first, but I got used to it. Now I'm a bit more relaxed about wearing makeup.
I started reading a new fashion blog recently; she has a lot of reviews on Asian beauty products and BB Creams. In one post, another blogger interviewed her - in answer to the question: "why do you wear makeup?" her reply was short and simple: "to hide".

How sad is that? She's a beautiful girl with a sought-after figure. And that's what she thinks of herself. It just goes to show. I had a think about it, and I realised that I'm the opposite. When I'm feeling bad about myself, I don't wear any makeup, or I wear less. I want to sink into the background, not draw any attention to myself. When I'm feeling good, I want to enhance the way I look. So I'm chalking this whole beauty product obsession up in the 'good things' category!

Here's a picture of my BB Creams; come to me quick!


Source: yesstyle.com.au via ApartmentCat on Pinterest.

Dilemmas

Feeling a little bit better again today. But not, at the same time. Getting over my food poisoning OK, and feeling like I have a bit more energy, however. Very busy this week, and a bit stressed out. And worried about my family. And confused about things. Knowing I have to make a decision, and soon. How important are my beliefs to me? Are they important enough to stand up for them? Or do I let things slide by and regret it like I have so many times before? This all sounds very mysterious, I know, but I don't want to go into it. This is a blog about health, fitness and weight loss, not existential dilemmas. Suffice it to say that I'm a bit confused and stressed at the moment. I certainly have more important things to think about than whether my tummy sticks out or not at the moment!

However ... I think I've lost weight! The pants and top I wore yesterday seemed a bit looser than normal, and, well ... I just feel a bit thinner. Tomorrow morning I'll weigh and measure myself and see if it's really true. I do hope so. I found my special dress a few weeks ago. When we moved house, it was packed with some other hanging stuff. I haven't worn it since last December. I haven't had the courage to try it on yet. I suppose I should, because if it doesn't fit, then I'll have to think of something else to wear to Boy's birthday party this Saturday night. I also don't want to get a stain on it; I'm always ruining clothes with stains. But when else am I going to wear it??

Early Morning Hand-Wringing

Planning on clearing out my wardrobe this weekend. Once every 6 months, I swap my summer/winter clothes over and (theoretically) get rid of any I don't want anymore. Today is casual day at work. Decided to wear a top today that I hadn't worn in about a year, to see if I still liked it. Mistake! I put it on and it was too tight across the stomach. A year ago it fitted just fine. This resulted in a session of whingeing, pouting and negative comments, which is a bit much for so early in the morning! I ripped it off and tried another one on. This one fit, but it was too short and my tummy showed. Plus it has a history of being itchy. It's a very pretty top, with nice details, but it might have to go. In the end I chose one that was long and loose and fairly unobtrusive. And made a renewed commitment to start eating healthier and exercising more.

In Related News ...

The clothes I ordered arrived last night! It's always taking a chance when you order clothes online. Two of them are too small around the armholes. I'll be able to fix that on one of them easily, but not sure about the other. The third fits fine but it's a bit see-through. Then again, in the pictures it was styled with another top underneath, so perhaps it was meant to be a layering piece. Overall I'm pretty excited that I ordered clothes from a straight-sized webshop and they fit! (They fit around my middle anyway, which is the important part. Not fitting around the arms is a different issue, in my books, and can be fixed much more easily.) True, there were only a small range of clothes that would have fitted (ones labelled 'oversized' mainly), but I'm seeing this more as a test case for the webshop than anything else. They have some lovely accessories and Japanese beauty products too. I'm totally obsessed with beauty products at the moment. But that's another story!

Stressful

The last couple of days have been pretty stressful. Haven't felt like writing in my blog, or doing anything much at all. I guess there are a few little and not so little issues at the moment, and I'm letting them get to me. Special Lady Time is not feeling so special this month, and that doesn't help at all! So when a little thing happens - I'm walking down the street and someone looks at me the wrong way - I have to fight back tears, and I suddenly want to eat a whole packet of something, just anything!! more badly than anything in my life ... Negative Nancy kicks in and starts saying things like:

"that'll teach you to think you can just go out in public and walk down the street like anyone else! You wanna have the guts to look people in the face? You think other people won't find you disgusting and horrible? That'll teach you!"

I wasn't sure I was going to write about this, yet here we are. Cathartic. Not a cause for regret. I hope. Things have been a bit better since yesterday though, or at least I'm determined to be happier and less stressed about everything. To further this, I decided to start a new thing - I bought a little notebook, and I'm going to keep a happiness diary. It's a concept that I'd heard of ages ago. Every night before bed (well, most nights anyway), I'll jot down 3 things that made me happy that day. I'm not normally into these schmaltzy things, but sometimes they can actually work. Also been continuing to meditate for 60 seconds (approximately; whenever I remember to) in bed at night before I fall asleep. Currently I'm wondering how different this state of mind is to when I'm actually trying to go to sleep! And whether it's actually having an effect. But I feel this is a thing I have to take with baby steps, and I'll work up to longer periods over time.

In Other News ...

These are the pants I ordered; they arrived yesterday:


Source: asos.com via ApartmentCat on Pinterest.

Many, including myself, may be thinking, "what was she thinking??!" I just got them on a whim, more out of curiosity as to how Asos clothes are sized than anything else. Seeing as you can only buy them online. The fabric is a bit different to how I thought it would be - a stretchy knit instead of a silky drape. They're more like pyjama pants, really. It might be hard breaking free of that feeling in order to actually wear them in public! I'd probably wear them with a long, loose top in a bright colour - if I had one! bwahahaha! Actually, I ordered a top from another website that might be suitable, only it hasn't arrived yet. And I may well have others in the deep, dark recesses of my wardrobe, you never know.

Fashion, Darlings.

Welcome to Thursday! Thursday means getting up early, grumpiness, filing, having a treat for breakfast (a barista coffee and a muffin - a 'tradition' I only started last week!), Lunchtime Walk, and sometimes shopping after work if I'm feeling the need.
Though I won't go shopping today as I was very naughty again and made another order online last night. Oops! I couldn't help it. One of the blogs I read mentioned that that Asos (U.K. based) have a webshop here in Australia now - it opened last week. For the last few months, they had free shipping anywhere in the world, and I placed a couple of orders, just to see what they were like. For a few years now, I'd been thinking about ordering from an overseas fashion supplier, but the high postage, coupled with the uncertainty of not being able to try the clothes on before purchase, had put me off. I've bought clothes on the internet before - mainly things on sale from Virtu and Ebay - despite the risks, and had hits and misses. Sticking to simple, loose styles and buying a size bigger (so I can take it in if it's too big) seem to be good tactics.

Anyhoo. Last night I was so excited that Asos have shown Australia the love by opening a distribution centre here, that I decided to show the love back by making (another) order. The fact they had a 20% off code helped a lot, too.
I got some pants that I'd thought about buying the first time, but decided against. They're a little bit out of my Sartorial Comfort Zone, but last night I thought, what the hell? I also got a bangle and some earrings. They shouldn't take too long to arrive, I hope!

In Related News ...

Sometimes I get all excited and want to start a personal fashion blog of my own. But then I think, naaaaaah! For a start, I don't really think I have anything new to add. There are already thousands (literally) of personal fashion bloggers out there, in all shapes and sizes, working all different types of fashion. How could I top any of them?

This is me: I work full time in a job where I might have to go on long walks to deliver things, or move boxes and other heavy things around at the drop of a hat, yet still have to dress to a business standard (though a fairly casual one, thankfully). So I tend to go more for appropriateness and comfort rather than wow and pizzazz. Flats and pants. I try to make sure I'm wearing at least one item of clothing that's not black, and one accessory, but otherwise it's pretty standard and boring. On weekends I go casual as well. I only wear dresses on special occasions, and that's pretty rare. So my 'style' is really nothing to write home about.

Secondly, it's too much pressure. I know there's no obligation to post Outfits of the Day every single day or anything, but the point of a blog is to update regularly. I imagine I'd feel some pressure to come up with new and creative outfits regularly to have something to post. I don't buy clothes very often (anymore!) so it would be the same thing over and over. My hair's usually quite slubby, makeup minimal and half the time I'm not organised enough to even have clean clothes that actually match. When I think about it, it's really more fun to live vicariously through bloggy fashionistas than to go through all that trouble. On the rare occasions when I do feel like recording/sharing outfits that made me feel fabulous, then I'll draw them and put the drawing up in a What I Wore post on my other blog. They serve the double triple purpose of giving me practice in drawing/painting, being a record of what I wore on a certain occasion, and an excuse to say, "look, I did some art!" on my blog, without drawing too much attention to what the subject of the painting actually is.

Lastly, I'm such a private person, I try to avoid putting up any photos of my face only, let alone the whole sha-bang. Once you start something like that, there's no going back. What if I have a complete meltdown at the very thought that some stranger somewhere saw a photo of my body??! Oi, the scrutiny and attention, I can't imagine it!

I have a bit of a love-hate relationship with fashion. I would certainly wear very different clothes if I were thinner. Heck, I'd even wear them right now if they were available in my size! I get so frustrated at the lack of choice. There's some 'higher' power out there that gets to decide how I'm 'allowed' to express myself, just because my hips measure xx centimetres instead of xx centimetres. I could go on and on, but I won't. This post is insanely long already and I didn't mean to turn it into a rant. I'm not a political person by nature, and there are many other bloggers out there who can articulate the issues so much better than I. Maybe I'll post a list of them sometime soon.

Just for fun though, here's my OOTD for today:

[[image - nah, you don't get to see me! Use your imagination!]]

My work outfit - albeit slightly more interesting than normal ...
bright pink v-neck tank top :: Lilly & Lou
short-sleeve drape cardigan with horizontal black and white stripes :: K-mart
black bootleg pants :: Autograph
boring, black, comfortable shoes :: K-mart
necklace with old-gold gypsy flask pendant :: Asos
moss green nails, slightly chipped :: OPI On Stranger Tides Collection
hair style :: senorita bun with slight regrowth

And I'd probably finish with something like:

Ciao Bellas!

Clothes and Girly Things

Last night I bought some more clothes, oops. Online, this time. Was looking for a top for N & P's wedding and was cruising all the sites I have saved. Saw some that were almost what I was looking for, but the colours were dull, patterns ugly, etc. Was about give up when I clicked on a site I'd saved ages ago. It sells fashion from Japan, China, Korea, Taiwan. Not the crazy, over-the-top stuff, just simple and classic. Stuff that I could cope with wearing right now, not fantasy stuff. But it's still quite a different aesthetic from the clothes you can get here. There's a plus-size section on the site, but the notion of plus-size is different in different countries! It didn't take much trawling through for me to realise, though, that some of the tops described as 'over-size' would fit me quite nicely. And the brand that seemed to specialise in this style just happened to be having a buy 3, get 10% off sale. What can a girl do?
So I got 2 tops (1 patterned and 1 plain), and a cardigan, also a cute bag shaped like a book. They're not exactly what I imagined myself wearing to the wedding, but if I like one of them, then who cares? I hope they arrive soon!
Better stop buying things, I'm supposed to be saving money. Boy and I are planning a trip in a few months, not to mention I want to get him something good for his birthday!

In Other News ...

Feeling pretty tired today, almost exactly the opposite of yesterday! But I'm not surprised really. I was up pretty late - the thunderstorm was so loud! Plus I wasn't even sleepy til quite late. Lately I try to log off the computer at dinner time or just after, but last night I was on it all evening (buying those clothes, teehee). I wonder if that had something to do with it as well.

Today I have an appointment after work so I won't have time to exercise. That actually stresses me out a little. Schedule says if I'm unable to exercise one day during the week, to exercise both days on the weekend instead of having a rest day. But what if something comes up, if I'm too busy, too tired? It seems that, every single week, I have to change my routine in some way or another, and it's annoying. I guess I'm not so good with the changey-type stuff.

For some reason, I feel like going swimming at the moment. Must have been because it was so warm yesterday. I had a good feeling about everything. The first warm days of Spring make me feel so optimistic. I look forward to Cup Day, then Christmas later on. I like the sunshine and barbeques and walks in the park and the sandals and brighly coloured frocks. (Not that I wear frocks myself usually, but I like to see other people wearing them!). Looks like the rest of the week's going to be cold and wet though, so too bad. Too much rambling now, I'm going to log off.

Grumpy!

I'm particularly grumpy today, so get ready for some quality whingeing.
Last night I didn't do any exercise at all, not a bit! All day, I kept telling myself I was going to do it. I'd do it, and then do something nice as a reward, like give myself a facial. And told myself, I had to do it before I did anything fun like reading or surfing the internet. And it wasn't even really hard exercise - it was just to do some stretching or toning. Wednesday's a very busy day at work, so I decided that would be my light exercise day. But even still, it all flies out the window when I get home. After 45 mins or more of standing on public transport, being jostled this way and that, worrying about whether I'll run into creepy-staring-man or scary-stalky-man, I'm tired. I feel like I deserve a rest after working all day. All I want to do is sit on the couch and read and have a cup of tea. It's something that I just can't get past at the moment. I really tried last night! I tried to do something constructive - listen to one of my meditation podcasts - but I ended up falling alseep! So perhaps I should run with this at the moment instead of trying to change it.

This week's been particularly bad, work's been pretty crazy. Lots of things have gone wrong - they're no-one's fault, but things we can't do anything about. So there's been a lot of frustration and grumpiness flying about. I've had bad hayfever every day this week, too. It's driving me nuts. Sniffing and sneezing while I'm trying to work. Having to blow my nose every five minutes.

The other day I mentioned the Inside-Out Weight Loss podcast. Yesterday I went to the website and checked out the programme. Well, the website wouldn't display properly because the browsers we have here at work are so old. (That's something that constantly annoys me!) But as far as I can tell, there is a fee for it which is too expensive for me. So I will not be joining up for that one. Just stick with the free podcast for now. But my motivation level was feeling a bit deflated after that.

Next up on the whinge list is my pants. I hate my pants! I have a certain number of work pants, just enough to get me through the week. But there are these two pairs that both make me feel really frumpy and short when I wear them. The length and the cut are just wrong on me. Yet I seem to end up having to wear one or both of them every single week. It drives me nuts! I chose to wear the grey ones today - I seemed to hate them slightly less than the brown ones when I woke up this morning - but I forgot that there's a split seam where the zip is and I have to wear a long top or the safety pin I put in to keep the seam shut shows. Plus it's irritating (both physically and emotionally, hah!). The other pair have an elastic waist, but they're even baggier and I didn't feel like wearing brown today. So I've got my grump on thoroughly! I'm trying to save money at the moment, but I'm so thoroughly fed up that I've resolved to go shopping tonight. I'm sick of wearing clothes that make me feel frumpy, sick of wearing shoes that have holes in them and all the support in them's been squashed flat so my feet hurt after doing a delivery. I want something girly that will make me feel special. I want something new and different. I'm bored!

Let's see, what else is annoying me this week?

In Other News ...

Don't feel like going for my Lunchtime Walk today. I can't get up the motivation, no matter how hard I try, no matter what rewards I promise myself. I just have this feeling that I don't want to go outside. It's not the exercising that I'm having an aversion to in itself, it's going outside. Sometimes I think, when we don't feel like doing things, it's not laziness. It's some other instinct. Perhaps I'm not meant to go outside today. Umph. Maybe that's just the Grumpy Monster's excuse. Who knows?

Yesterday I was having an email conversation with B. The subject of N & P's wedding and what we were going to wear to it came up. I've been stressing about it on and off for about a year now. The dress code is 'something that makes you feel awesome'. So at first I thought I'd go with some fantastic outfit based on the characters that I dreamt up when I was a kid. Then eventually, the more I thought about it, the outfit got less and less fantastic - thinking about how I'd look in it, and how I wished I looked in it. How my body should be if I were to do the costume any justice. I kept toning the outfit down until eventually it was nothing like what I really wanted at all. I'm really starting to get fed up with it. At times I just feel like giving up and making a giant black muumuu to wear! Every time I try to think of an outfit that would make me feel awesome, the problem is - I keep circling back to the fact that nothing would make me feel awesome because I don't like the body underneath it.

That kind of ruins the party, doesn't it?

I started getting a bit upset and having lots of negative thoughts (I won't repeat them here because in hindsight they were pretty dumb!). I couldn't walk it off like I'd done the day before because I was on late shift at work, so I just had to sit on it and stew. On the way home I detoured into the library and got 3 books on body image. - I'm the kind of person, when I have a problem, I always try to solve it by learning more about it. - I didn't really have any time to think about it, though - until I woke up at 5am again this morning. It seems Body and Brain conspired to force me to think about this problem! In order to try and solve it, I started thinking about the times when I have felt awesome (there've been a couple!) in the last couple of years. Who was I with? And where was I? They were usually really casual occasions, where I didn't have to dress up, and the focus was on what we were doing. A few times, I've felt pretty awesome when I was dressed up (e.g. my birthday party this year), but that was when I was really trying my hardest to give Negative Nancy the boot for the evening. And that's when it hit me -

It doesn't matter what I wear,

all that matters is how I feel!

It's so simple, really. I can't believe I didn't think of it earlier. There's no need for fancy, elaborate costumes. I could be wearing the most beautiful ball gown ever made, and feel terrible. I could be wearing a pair of scuffy old jeans and my peasant blouse and feel fantastic. So I'm not going to stress out about what to wear anymore. From now on, I'm going to concentrate on getting into a frame of mind which will allow me to feel awesome. Hopefully not just on the day, but every day!

My New Top

My brain's a bit fried today, don't be expecting any deep thoughts from me today!
Mum, you'll be glad to hear that I'm now taking all my tablets and vitamins again, and I ate my boiled egg this morning. I'm also going to try having some Chia seeds every morning like it says in Good Health magazine.

Meanwhile ...

I'm wearing my new top today. It's a little bit different for me, and I'm a bit excited and nervous about it. Why is it different?
1. It has a belt! My waist is being defined. There it is, right there! Actually, it's a little annoying, I feel like I have to keep adjusting it. But hopefully I'll get used to it. Also, the top part poufs over the belt a little bit, which I like, too.
2. It has a bold print on it! There are huge red roses all across the bodice part. Yes, this top has personality!
3. It's black, and it has red bits! Normally I hate to wear black (at least in a top) because it seems so stereotypical for large ladies to wear all black, plus I really do like bright colours. But I don't mind with this top, because the bright red roses totally do away with that concern. I don't normally wear red, either, but the flowers are in different shades of red and pink, and they look quite feminine.

I really should just post a picture of it - now that I can do that here!
On my Craft Blog, I have Ditzy Tuesday, where I post a picture I've found on the intertubes of something I'd like to make, or something that's just cool. Maybe I'll do that here, too. It's my blog, I can do whatever I like!

So here is today's Ditzy Tuesday photo. Oh, Rilakkuma bear bento! Yummy and cute!


Source: whimsicalmori.tumblr.com via ApartmentCat on Pinterest.

Weekly Wrapup

Wrapup of 1st week of August:

Got an average of 70% on my Tracker.
Full exercise days: 3. Half exercise days: 2.
Things I did well on: meals during the day; resisting after-lunch cravings; creative activities; Colitis low (except on the weekend).
Things I could improve on: drinking enough water; more and varied exercise; eating enough vegetables; healthier or no dessert; my focus (doing relaxation every day).

I didn't do formal relaxation even once last week. I still have a strong feeling, which I'm having trouble getting rid of, that it's a waste of time. I also have a strong feeling that it'll be really good for me, body and mind. Perhaps I should concentrate on things that're more concrete at the moment though - I'm better at those. I'm feeling a bit tired and grumpy today, so I'm tempted to pick something easy for this week's focus. I feel thirsty right now, so how about - drink 2 bottles of water per day (1 litre bottles). I have one and work and one at home, so it'll be easy to fill and drink one each, every day.

In Other News ...

Yesterday at brunch, B told me I should wear leather. That I have the attitude for it. That gave me a self-esteem boost! I was wearing my skinny jeans and they make me feel pretty good. Perhaps I'll wear them to N and P's wedding!! Rather than spending all this time stressing on an outfit - the type of thing I've never worn before, and I'm not sure I have the skills to make. Perhaps I should just wear something that I wear all the time and I know I'm comfy in. Makes sense, when you think about it!

This post was transferred from calorieking.com.au