More on 2017

In the New Year, I wrote a list of goals on my main blog (or is it my craft blog, or my hobbies blog, or my blog I don't mind the general public seeing as much? Ahdunno!). I created 9 goals, as 9 is an important number for me. Here they are in short form, to save you from having to click over:

1. Spend more time outside.
2. Share more on the blog.
3. Finish KonMari'ing my house.
4. Plan a regular yoga practice.
5. Continue my rune studies and other spiritual pursuits.
6. Spend more time doing crafts.
7. See if my sewing machine still works; if not, buy a new one.
8. Explore fashion more and take more photos of myself.
9. Play with my dolls more, and make/design things for them.

Even as I was formulating them, I realised they were mostly to do with things I write about on my hobby blog, so I decided to use my Life Square that I created last new year to come up with a more balanced set of goals .... eugh *shivers* goals gwishes (as Havi from The Fluent Self calls them!). I made up a 9x3 grid (because, I dunno, that was just working for me at the time) and slotted the gwishes into it. Then I added in more to fill out the grid:



The 9 gwishes from my hobby blog are highlighted in green. I called it a matrix because that just sounded cool. A few of the gwishes are fairly simple and/or things I'll probably do in the next month, it's true, but I wanted to give myself a couple of easy ones. Self love, baby, self love!

Looking over it again, I also realised that nearly all of the gwishes will further ones on my 101 Things in 1,001 Days list, which is great!

Then I made an attempt to write a list of actions underneath each gwish, but my brain went Ugh!!, and it didn't happen. But I'm back again today, inspired (as I was this time last year) by the organisational prowess of Marietta of Witchy Words, as well as this article I read this morning: Why You Should Be Planning for 2018, Not 2017. Medium has about a billion articles on motivation and suchlike, especially at this time of year, but for some reason that one stuck with me. Well, it has for the last 6 hours anyway.

With both of those influences percolating away in the back of my mind, I determined to have another go at writing a list of actions that will get me closer to my gwishes in 2017. I will use all the lessons I've learned in goal-setting and SMART Thingies and blah blah to craft it. (Can I count it as working on my crafts?)

[fast forward to tomorrow]



I copied out the 9x3=18 gwishes into a new page, and made space for up to 3 actions underneath each one. I greyed out any that I don't want to start working on straight away. I took it easy, working on one gwish at a time, breaking down things into as small actions as possible, trying to make them into Complete Willingness Units (CWU) as Barbara Sher calls them. (Many people have thought of alternatives names for that concept, and I might too one day.) Actually, I'm not too sure I did so well at this part -- most of them can be broken down into smaller tasks, but at least it's a start.

The idea now is to add the matrix to my weekly routine -- the bit where I check my master list to see what I want/need to do for the upcoming week. Theoretically, that should keep things chugging along until I achieve all my goals gwishes! Part of me is tempted to pooh-pooh it all and say I can't/won't do all that. Another part of me is tempted to add more and more until it's completely impossible to achieve. Part of me is thinking, "what if I do other stuff that isn't on the list, then that stuff won't really count!" (I have no idea what purpose it serves to think things like that.) But the article I read says you really have to believe you can do things if you want to achieve them, so I'm really going to try.

I'm back!

I'm back! Hello! I've been on holiday! Yup, you didn't see that one coming, a ninja holiday. The main reason Husband and I went was to attend our friends' wedding and to support them in organising it, etc. We also had some fun times. But let's get the whingeing and whining out of the way first. I had suspected the tropics weren't for me, and I was right. I just can't cope with the heat and humidity. Beforehand I thought: this is gonna be great! 8 days where I can go for lots of walks, swim every day, maybe twice a day! I'll be nice and trim and fit by the end of it! Or further along the way, at least.
Well, I went for one single walk, along the beach. That was a social walk, not a cardio session. (A lovely experience, but not much fat was burned, I suspect.) The rest of the time, it was either too hot, too humid, or too rainy. Sometimes, all 3 at once!
As for swimming, I went for 3 short swims, the kind where you're just floating around in the water, nothing strenuous. I wanted to get up early and swim before it got too humid and sunny, but the pool didn't open til 8am. Most of the time the situation was - well, we're meeting up with the other people we know up here soon, don't wanna get my hair wet and have to take another shower and get changed again, so I'll just hang out in the room and read or work on my puzzle book in the air-conditioned comfort.
We went on a tour of the rainforest. Which was great! I really loved it. From a physical activity point of view though ... the description said we were going on a bush walk. Don't get me wrong, the walk was interesting, but it was about 10 minutes in duration, along a flat concrete path. So my hopes of getting some good exercise that day didn't come true, plus we stopped off and ate ice cream on the way back! Gosh, it was delicious ice cream, though.
Speaking of food, I ate like all get-out. We cooked for ourselves in the room for most meals, actually. Hoping to save some money - groceries were very expensive there, but I'm sure eating out every night would have cost even more. So therefore my eating patterns were similar to what they normally are on weekends: largish breakfast, smallish lunch, no snacks, medium healthy dinner, and largish unhealthy dessert. Yes you read right, large unhealthy dessert! I've yet to kick that habit. More on that later. The only difference was probably less coffee and tea (no time/too hot). Come to think of it though, we almost definitely ate healthier than if we'd eaten out for every meal, anyway.
I weighed myelf when I got back, and wished I hadn't. I've put on over 2kgs in the last month or so. However, I did weigh myself sometime after lunch, not first thing in the morning, so I'm not going to put it officially on record. I'll wait til next week and see what the scales say then.


On the bright side -
I didn't get sunburnt!
I had a lot of fun on the 2 tours we went on, and with the other people up there for the wedding. The wedding itself was really beautiful and it was wonderful to see the bridal couple so happy.
I slept really well. I got to sleep so quickly and slept through the night, unlike at home. There was only one night near the start where I woke up in the middle of the night. Even though I woke up early in the mornings and didn't sleep in, I felt refreshed. The dark circles under my eyes had just about vanished by the time the holiday was over!
I discovered I love snorkelling! We went on a tour of the coral reefs, and I went snorkelling and saw the most amazing corals and fish. It was brilliant! I'm going to buy my own snorkelling gear and use it every chance I can. I don't know if there's anywhere to go snorkelling near home, but I'll find out!
On the plane on the way home, I had one of those epiphanies, you know those ones where you start out dreading having to go back home to your old routine. But then you decide that things are going to be different!. Don't worry, it wasn't a big one, I'm not going to quit my job and go live in a teepee or anything. It was only a mini-epiphany. I just want to actually do the things that I tell myself I'm going to do. Not even big things, either. Just little things like: go for a walk at lunchtime, drink a whole bottle of water (I've gotten out of these habits the last month or so), do something from my Things To Do List, meditate after work, or do something active on the weekend. They're perfectly easy and reasonable things to do, but I haven't been doing them. They would be so good for my wellbeing, but still, I haven't been doing them. The reasons why are a bit too full-on for me to go into right now. (This post is long enough already!)

There's been some Good Stuff, though. I had the day off yesterday, but after Husband got home from work, we went to the supermarket and bought lots of fruit and veges! Normally we buy a few things, and we run out during the week, or don't have them at every meal. But this time I bought extra. (I'm having celery sticks with my mid-morning rice cakes, a banana for afternoon tea, and we're having lots-o-veg in our paella tonight.) I was feeling a bit bad that I hadn't done any exercise, but after we got home from the supermarket it was still light (yay daylight savings!) and I still had some energy, so I went for a walk. At first I'd be gone for 15-20 minutes max, but somehow I kept deciding I could go that little bit further, and it ended up being 30 minutes. Yay me! I haven't had time to think about what my next challenge will be, or even how I'll record what I've done in the meantime, but at least this is recorded here on my blog. ;)

When I was on holiday, I started reading 2 books I downloaded onto my iPod. (I read a lot of short stories as well, but only these two are relevant here.) They were Lose Weight Without Dieting: The Animal Kingdom Way and How to Sleep Well. I was about a chapter into each one by the time I got home, and after the horrendous night's sleep I had last night, I decided to concentrate on How to Sleep Well first. Cos I figured, the stuff in the other book would be just that bit harder to do if my sleep bank were running on empty. =) I'll report back on my findings.

Sleep - it's highly recommended

Sleep works... who knew?
All this week I've been dead on my feet, like a zombie. I was like that last week too, but this week was even worse. I figure it's fair enough that I'm tired after work, with my colleague being gone and the extra work, etc. But I've been tired the second I wake up in the morning, nearly falling asleep at my desk from the minute I walk in the door, and not even knowing how I managed to make it home at night. My cunning plan of going for walks at lunchtime has been failing because I'm already too tired by lunchtime to even think about walking out the door. All through the day, all I can think about is having a nap when I get home. Yet strangely, when I do arrive at home, I'm tired but kind of wired and not feeling like I want to lie down at all. Too tired to do anything like read or do craft or anything that requires thinking, but not sleepy so that I want to have a nap or go to bed early. Then I stay up pretty late because I just don't feel sleepy, and I usually have to take a sleeping tablet at bedtime (well, usually half-an-hour to an hour after bedtime, to be more truthful!). By yesterday I was just getting to breaking point. I was running on empty. So Husband and I didn't have anything to do last night, so we decided to take sleeping tablets early and go to bed insanely early. I'm talking, 9.00. And it was great! Sleep, nothing beats it.

So I'm feeling a lot better today. Not 100%, more like 60%, but that's a huge improvement on the 5-10% that I was feeling before! Two or 3 more nights of long, luscious sleep, and I'm sure I'll feel much more up to participating in life again. I've made a decision that I'm going to give myself 3 days. I'm not going to worry about anything else that I wanted to get done in my life - not housework, not exercising, not craft deadlines, not anything! I'm going to spend 3 days making sleep my no. 1 priority and getting myself up to speed again.

In Related News ...

I mentioned before that I've been too tired to exercise. And boy, am I feeling it! I also had a 3-and-a-half hour round trip to visit family on the weekend, and now my back is pretty sore. I almost have to laugh, because every time I bend over to pick something up at work, my body goes "ooh, that feels good, do it again! keep doing it!" Body know what it wants.
I'm not as worried about my sore back as I might have been though. I'm going to the chiropractor on the weekend. And since yesterday when I decided to make sleep my no. 1 priority for the next 3 days, I've been feeling calmer and more sure of myself. Less beating myself up. Especially today, and hopefully even more tomorrow. And even more the day after that, ahahahah! I can't sleep in too much on Saturday because of my chiro appointment unfortunately, but on Sunday I'm gonna sleep and sleep, yeah baby!!

Surprise!

It's been a while, hasn't it? I try not to be the kind of person who apologises for not posting for ages on my blogs - especially this one where it's my personal blog and I can not post for as long as I like, darrrrrnit! There just haven't been any health/fitness/food/weight-loss related things to talk about. i.e. I gave up.

No, it seems wrong to say that. I was on a hiatus (much as I hate that word, it describes the situation pretty accurately and I can't be bothered looking up thesaurus.com right now!). For a long time I was pretty sad and frustrated: I want to do things differently, but nothing is changing. People say to me, you need to change, you can't just sit back and expect things to change around you, it needs to come from inside you. But I felt like I was empty, there was nothing inside. I got sadder and more frustrated. I felt very tired and run-down. Not a cold or anything in particular, just didn't feel like doing anything. In bed at night, trying to get to sleep, my heart would pound and I'd lie there for ages, trying to relax enough to sleep. Even a double dose of my herbal sleeping tablets didn't help. My exercise sessions dropped from 3 days a week, to 1, to none. I felt even more sad and frustrated that my goals were slipping away. I kept telling myself to do the things I needed to do, but it just didn't happen.

Then about a month ago, I was at the chemist getting a replacement bottle of the herbal sleeping tablets. Right next to them on the shelf was a bottle marked 'Mood'. May assist with stress, anxiety and sleeplessness. I bought it on impulse. It sat unopened on the coffee table for about a week, until Husband said, "have you started taking those yet? You really should start taking them". A mini wake-up call. I started taking them. I started feeling better. I felt happy again for the first time in weeks. I stopped obsessively thinking about the things that make me anxious. I no longer beat myself up mercilessly about the things I wasn't doing that I was supposed to be doing. It didn't feel like a struggle to leave the house and be in public. The twice-weekly visit to my barista was fun and chatty instead of awkward and painful. Nothing actually changed, I just felt better about everything. I feel like things could happen. Which is something I haven't felt for a while.
How strange that a couple of big pink pills can change what you're thinking and how you're feeling. I almost can't believe it can be true - was it just a coincidence? - but I guess it must be true.

Things stalled a bit when I got an actual cold last weekend, which resulted in my having to take 2 days off work last week. But! I didn't let it get me down. Normally I'd be all wah, wah, but I used the days off to actually rest and do some relaxing things like watch a movie, listen to my relaxation app and do a face mask treatment. And I hardly felt guilty about it at all. It was pretty nice, considering. I felt mostly better by Friday.

A lesson in why you should take your tablets!-
I was a bit slack with taking my tablets over the weekend, and I skipped my mood ones for a couple of days. Never do that again! I slept terribly last night, I was awake half the night with my heart pounding, and woke well before the alarm so hot and sweaty. I felt so wretched and frustrated, I was late for work, I feel so tired today that I could just about fall asleep at my desk. I haven't felt this way since, geez, before I started taking the tablets! Don't get me wrong, I don't think they're the perfect solution or anything, but they're helping me at the moment.

Anyway, that's probaby enough over-sharing for one day. Hopefully I'll have some reports about actual stuff soon. Meanwhile, here's a pretty picture of something nice:

Feeling much better

Feeling much better today than I have in the last few days. Yesterday I nearly fell asleep in the toilet around morning tea time, even after 4 coffees. Today I've only had one and I feel alert and with-it! Could be because I slept better. Could be because I stayed in bed a little later this morning. Could be that the one coffee that I had was a bottle of extra-strong iced coffee I drank as soon as I got into work!
Seeing Husband getting better and better each day is a weight off my mind, too. I get less and less stressed each day that he gets better and better! And there's one thing I've noticed with him being away from home. Without him there to do things for me, I don't have that guilty and unworthy feeling that I often get when he does things for me. Anyway, that's just a thing I have.

Meanwhile....

Just this morning I started thinking that maybe I should start recording my food intake again. I know I raved about the Count Eat app, but I gave up on it after a couple of weeks. True, it was much easier to enter in foods than with traditional calorie-counting apps, but I don't have access to my ipod all the time. I don't have the kind of job where I can just whip it out whenever I feel like. Plus I also feel guilty doing stuff like that on work time as well! So I would wait until after work to enter the foods in, and I'd have to think back and try to remember what I ate throughout the day. I was worried that I'd forget something, and it was annoying. I kept forgetting more and more often til I realised I wasn't doing it at all anymore.
It's not the app that's the problem at all. It's a really good app and I'd recommend it. It's just not suitable for my life circumstances. I'm going back to the good old pen and paper! Right after I finish this post, I'm going to have a go at designing a food diary template. Yeah, I'm sure you can get plenty on the internet, but I want one that's perfect for me and the kinds of things I want to record. Plus I enjoy mucking around with Excel spreadsheets. =)

Food, glorious food

Hello! Didn't think you'd hear from me again so soon? Neither did I. Things are so crazy at the moment, I don't know if I'm coming or going, and don't have much time for anything. I don't think I've given up on my weight loss goal completely though, because I'm suddenly really interested in cooking healthy! Why on earth I'm so interesting in cooking when I have no time for it, I don't know. That's just like me: it's like my brain is deliberately trying to be frustrating!

At the moment I'm reading a book set in Japan: Kafka on the Shore. Whenever the characters have something to eat, it's described more or less in detail, and it's usually traditional Japanese food, so now I have a real hankering for Japanese food! Compounded by the fact that I was leafing through last month's SBS Feast Magazine yesterday, and they had a feature on Japanese dishes. I love Japanese food so much, but I always have a pre-conception that it's fiddly and takes a long time. The dishes in the book though, were really simple, hearty stuff like miso soup and fried eel with rice, katsu pork with noodles. Mmm!

I have to laugh at myself, really - I'll be cooking for one for the next week, and I just assumed that I'd hate the cooking and would want to get takeaway or something. But I'm actually looking forward to it. Now I'm torn between spending as much time with Husband as possible, and coming home a little early to whip up a healthy, Asian-inspired meal. Sigh!

All is Well

Husband came through his surgery fine. I'm so relieved! Now is resting and healing time. For him! ehehhehe For me, it's tidy and re-arrange the bedroom, change the sheets on the bed, finish the dishes, move the kettle and coffee-making supplies into the bedroom, go to the supermarket and buy soup and whatever else he'll need, make sure the cat doesn't leave her toys where he can trip over them, and probably a hundred other things I haven't even thought of yet. Then it's off to the hospital to spend the rest of the day keeping him company. I really miss him and I can't wait to get there!
The last few days I haven't had time to eat really healthy, just a slice of leftover pizza here and there, or a sandwich from the hospital cafe. And certainly no time or energy for exercising. But it's not about me at the moment, it's about him. Once this is over, then I can think about taking steps to lose weight again. At times I find it very frustrating and upsetting - I just want it now, but I don't see how it's ever going to happen.
I had a really random thought yesterday while I was sitting next to Husband. I find it hard to go out in public much of the time. I always think that people are looking at me and what they might be thinking of me and judging me. But then I thought, if I'm thinking that about them, then I'm judging them! I'm making an assumption that they're the kind of person that thinks that way and that judges people. And that's not fair. So I will try to have love in my heart, both for myself and others.
Geez, I can be such a hippie sometimes, sorry about that!
Better go now, lots to do today before I can see my man!

Crazy Times

Here I am sitting at the computer on a Friday Thursday night. It feels like Friday because I have tomorrow off. You might think that's a good thing, but! Husband's surgery is tomorrow. I've decided to just assume that everything's going to go fine. I considered the other options, and they freaked me out too much, so I stopped thinking about them.

However, I think things are getting to me, because last night I woke in the middle of the night with a jolt and thought, "I need to start using anti-ageing moisturiser!"

Yeah, barmy.

On an Unrelated Note ...

I was feeling pretty manky during the week. The only day I exercised was Monday. But then I realised, I'd stopped drinking water throughout the day. I just get so busy at work that the habit had slipped away a little bit. I made an effort today though, and drank most of my (1.25 lt) bottle. I felt a little better. Must keep that up.

I also got some more of that green coffee I was drinking last year. It was on sale at Chemist Warehouse, so I thought, why not? Even if it doesn't work, I like the taste. One thing I've realised is this - the hot water dispenser at my new work must be set to a higher temperature than at my old work, because I burnt my tongue on it! Owww! ツ

That's about all for now, really. You may hear from me again soon, you may not.

See Above

Not much new to say, really. I've been trying to keep things in a steady state while getting ready for Husband's surgery this Friday. Work has been totally flat out last week and so far this week, but I'm hoping it'll die down a bit soon. I'm taking a few days off to look after Husband after his surgery, but I reckon I'll be almost as busy! Maybe I will get time to do a few things around the house and maybe even do some exercise while he's resting, though.

I've been trying so hard lately to be helpful and understanding with Husband's condition. If I'm tired or sore or upset or angry about something, it's not really important because what he's going through is 100 times worse, and I need to be there for him. Unfortunately that attitude has turned me into a real Stressy Bessy (even more than before!) and as a result - guess what? I've been put on blood pressure medication. Yay (not). I'm quite worried about it because it means that things are starting to catch up with me. Things as in: my weight, my age, my anxiety and stressing habits.

I know that I drew up 4 very helpful things to do to make improvements in an earlier post, and I'm starting to think that the relaxation/meditation one is actually the most important. The one that I never get around to. The one that never have time for. That I convince myself isn't really worth the bother. That one. I whacked that one on the list because STRESS appeared in so many of the issues I've been having, and working on it would seem to solve multiple problems.
It never happens though, because I always tell myself that there are things I should be doing, or rather be doing. Also, I still keep getting that feeling that I'll 'fail', and it'll be a waste of time. Even lying in bed at night, when I'm starting to fall asleep, I think 'am I actually relaxing??'; and then my heart starts to pound, I can't breathe properly and I'm awake for the next couple of hours.
The only thing I find relaxing lately is to think about beauty products. Is that sad? hahahahha I make myself laugh!

My New Blog!

After all the wailing and gnashing of teeth I did the other day, I finally decided to bite the bullet and go ahead and just start a new blog, dammit!

It's called ShyCat Beauty. The shy part reflects my personality and my hope to remain anonymous as much as possible, and of course the cat part is my alter ego all over the interparts.



I've transferred all my beauty-related posts over to the new blog. It's still a bit raw-looking; I haven't had time to make a banner for it or choose a background I really like yet. Like I said the other day, I don't know how long my interest in the topic will last, but at the moment I'm pretty enthusiastic about it - I have lots of posts planned. So please check it out!

A Dilemma

I've been thinking about doing something with my beauty review posts, but I can't decide what. I feel like they don't quite fit in with the rest of my blog. I've been especially thinking this since Blogger changed to their new interface - next to each blog post now, it lists the number of views. The views for the normal posts are usually 0, 1, 2, while the beauty reviews are somewhere between 40-100. OMG, people are actually looking at what I've written. It's freaked me out a bit. With that in mind, it seems a little bizarre - almost even inappropriate - to have the beauty reviews interspersed with highly personal posts whingeing on about food and health.

At first I thought, easy, I'll just move the beauty posts to my craft blog on LiveJournal. I'm A Table Blog is deliberately vaguely-named, so that I can showcase any kind of craft I like (or even other topics) without feeling constricted. I'm thinking of trying out some DIY beauty projects anyway (e.g. hair detangler spray), so they'd conceivably fit in OK. I like the way the LiveJournal format I've set up looks - possibly even more than the Blogger one. There's only one huge drawback stopping me from doing this -

With the beauty box reviews, I often need to go back to old posts, look at them and edit them. With the way LiveJournal is set up, it's a massive pain in the arse. I mean MASSIVE! There is pretty much no facility for it at all. You have to go to the 'all tags' drop down box, click on the tag to get all the posts on that topic to come up, scroll down to the post you want, click on the title of the post to get the edit mode up, then click the edit button. Then to edit another one, you have to go back to the homepage (which pretty much involves hitting the 'back' button til you find it), and start all over again.

Whereas with Blogger, there's an 'edit posts' page which lists the titles of all the posts. You can filter them by tag, view previews of them, edit them easily with an 'edit' link next to each title, and it's done. To get back to the start, you just need to click the 'edit posts' link again. So I'm extremely hesitant to move my posts to LiveJournal, where it would take much more time and be much more annoying to write any future posts. Not only that, but I logged into LiveJournal this morning to refresh myself on how the tag management system works, and it kept lagging. It made me worried!

Actually, another drawback I just thought of is - I have comments open on my craft blog. I very rarely actually get comments (and even then usually from friends), but I'm usually quite happy to have a conversation about craft. Comments on this blog are closed, and I think I would like it to be that way for any beauty reviews that I do, too. I just don't know enough about beauty to be able to participate in a conversation about it, to be able to back up my opinions confidently.

The other thought I had would be to move the beauty posts to a new blog on Blogger. That way I could separate the posts out from my personal ones, and keep the ease of editing. One issue with this, though, is I'd have to decide whether to put my DIY projects on this blog or my craft blog. The main problem I have with it, though, is that it would be a single-topic Beauty Blog. And I am not a Beauty Blogger. As I said above, I don't really know much about beauty and I don't really keep up with the trends. Recently I've started reading a few other beauty blogs, but I'm definitely a follower, not a leader. I do have a few ideas for reviews on products I've bought, but I rarely get time to work on them, so the posts would be few and far between. And what if I get bored with beauty products? The blog would die.

The other thing is - have you ever seen my face on this blog?? (Or even my craft blog?) It is possible though, to write a beauty blog and not show your face. The author of Anonymous Reviews does it. (I really enjoy her blog, by the way.) She is not a professional beauty blogger - just a member of the public, too shy to show her face, but with something to say. A bit like me, really! She does post 2-3 times a week, which is a schedule I know I could never hope to emulate. Then again, I always review my beauty boxes, so that's a guaranteed 3 posts per month. And who cares if I don't post much more beyond that?? It's my blog, after all! And when I think about it, even the more 'professional' beauty bloggers rarely show their whole faces at any one time either. It's usually just the eye or lip or whatever area the product they're reviewing is on.

It still worries me because I wouldn't want the Anonymous Reviewer or anyone else to think I was 'copying' their blog concept. And I would probably have to have comments open - it would be unfair to deny people to comment if they want to. But I'm such a painfully shy person that I don't think I could cope with that.

But then again, I kinda want to do it! Eeek!

Oh boy, I've ruminated on this way too much. But I do feel a bit better now.
I'd better sign off as I have a ton of things to do today before work begins again tomorrow. Bye!

A Tuesday Kind of Day

Normally I think of Tuesday as being the worst day of the week. The excitement of the weekend is well behind you, but the next weekend is still SO far away.

However, this particular Tuesday is much improved by that fact that it's my birthday! I don't like a lot of fuss, in fact no-one at work knows it's my birthday today. At my old work, they kept a spreadsheet, and on each person's birthday we would all go out for morning tea together (though we had to pay ourselves). I guess the culture is different in every workplace, no?

Anyway, I've just gotten back from my lunchtime walk. It's perfect autumn weather, so I tried to enjoy it. I really do enjoy the walking itself, and getting some fresh air and getting to listen to my music. But I don't enjoy having to dodge crowds of people on the street, being all sweaty afterwards, or feeling very self-conscious. I tried as hard as I could to push all that aside today, though. It's my birthday, I refuse to get down on myself! I'm sweaty, but at least I've done the good thing for myself and I can relax the rest of the day!

Tonight Husband is making me a special dinner. I can't wait for that!

The drought is over!

... the shopping drought that is! I made it through to the end of the month without buying anything I didn't need, and now it's time to go shopping! Don't worry, I didn't go too nuts. I just bought a top and pants for work, a nice casual top and one for lounging at home. I'm obsessed with loungewear at the moment! When I get home from work, I just want to take off my work clothes straight away and put on something that's more 'me'. More fun and colourful.
I also bought some hair flowers which are small and unobtrusive enough to wear to work - or I could hot-glue some trinkets to them to make them more interesting.

In Other News ...

This month's wellbeing programme at my work is the Race Around Australia. I was excited about signing up, though it doesn't start until the 5th. This is how it works - everyone who signs up gets a pedometer. You record how many steps you take every day and enter it on the website. It gets added up and it shows you how far along the Great Ocean Road you are. The person who walks the furthest wins a prize, and the whole organisation is added up as well for the group effort. I have no expectations whatsoever that I'll win, but it'll be fun and I'm so looking forward to it!

Quick Update

Just checking in quickly to say - I don't have much to say!
Week 4 of my new job is cruising along much as the others. I was hoping to start exercising again this week, but so far I've been out every night this week after work. Phew! That's not like me at all! Friday night will be my first night in, yup!, and I'm planning on spending it relaxing and vegging out in front of the computer and/or TV. There'll plenty of weekend of weekend left for the getting of fresh air and the sweating of pores.

One good thing I've noticed in the last few weeks - drinking a (1 lt) bottle of water every day seems to be an ingrained habit for me now. In fact, instead of feeling full and bloated afterwards, I actually want to drink more! I'll see if I can get a bigger bottle for work.

I'll post the review of my GlossyBox Beauty Box tomorrow night. I've been meaning to write it all week, but ... see above! My "I Love This Box" is also waiting for me at the post office at the moment, but I won't get time to pick it up until Saturday. It's getting a bit crazy really, getting 3 beauty boxes a month! I will definitely have to cut back once the probation period is over. I also bought a glitter nail polish the other day:


Not my fingers. Photo schlurped from this blog.

It's Rimmel 'Disco Ball'. They're 'in' at the moment and I just couldn't resist! Though apparently I'm a bit behind the times, because they were sold out of all glitter nail polishes at K-mart! After searching for ages, I finally managed to find one bottle on the bottom shelf at the back under a completely different brand at the opposite end of the section from the Rimmel display. Befuddled, but bought it anyway!

I'll say goodbye with a link to a 1950s magazine with an article on Marilyn Monroe's Health Routine. I wonder if she actually said all of those things, or they were the result of some creative editing! (Make sure to keep clicking 'Next' to see all 4 pages!)

A New Chapter

Coming to you from Week 1 of my new job ... the end of that week, that is .... or something like that ....

It's been a real rollercoaster ride. I'm excited to be learning new things and have a more secure position, honoured that I was chosen to work for such a highly-regarded organisation, terrified that I won't be able to learn all the new things and somehow flunk my probation period, not to mention meeting all those new people and wondering what they think of me, worried that I'll say something daft and/or inappropriate. And I miss my old work friends terribly. I can't be myself now, the way I could around them. I feel lonely.

I'm tired all the time. This is completely understandable, so I'm trying not to beat myself up. Of course I'd be tired after having to concentrate on learning new things all day. Also I'm a natural introvert, so meeting all those new people and having to chat with them, etc is very draining. But I've also lost any desire whatsoever to work on my art/craft projects or my lists. I haven't even felt like writing in my blog. When I'm not being creative at all, it makes me feel sad. I hope once I get back into a routine I'll get my mojo back.

I had a dream last night which upset me a little bit. (My dreams can be quite random and bizarre, but I think it reflected some issues I'm really having right now, so bear with me!) I was in a school gym. But it was also a hospital - there was a row of about 4 hospital beds along one wall. All the patients were there to have lap banding surgery. There was one girl who was overweight, but all the others were very slim. I got really angry, thinking they don't need lap banding surgery! Even the overweight girl had such a look of stupid hope on her face, as if she thought it would solve all her problems. I was worried for her - it seemed as if she didn't really know what was going to happen. That made me even more angry.
Then a number of people came into the room, and it was more like a place to socialise. One of the people there was a guy I'd had a huge crush on years ago in real life (before I met Man, obviously). He'd been friendly to me, but didn't feel the same way about me. I always felt pretty inadequate around him.
So I was there trying to be cool, or at least show some confidence. None of the people came up to me to socialise, so I just hung out on my own. I reached up to adjust my ponytail, and my stomach was exposed. Almost everyone in the room went, eeuww! and acted really disgusted. Even some of the people in the hospital beds. I was pretty upset by that, but I tried to regroup myself. Then some music started playing. It was my favourite song. I was so excited! I closed my eyes and started dancing. But after a few seconds I remembered everyone else who was in the room, and stopped dancing. I told myself to stop doing that and said to myself - people with bodies like mine aren't supposed to move them around. They're supposed to stay still. Which in this case meant not enjoying myself and not expressing myself. It made me really sad. Then the dream ended.

What a horrible dream! I was so depressed when I woke up. But I'm very sure I know why I had the dream. All week I've been feeling pretty inadequate.
My new job is in a different part of the city. Even though I still work for the Government, it's in an area with mostly corporate businesses instead of mostly Government buildings; and I've noticed the type of people and how they're dressed tends to be different. The people tend to be younger and dressed in more corporate wear. To be blunt - there are a lot of suits and show ponies! And less people of diverse ages and body types.

I suppose I'm lucky to count youth on my side - I present as being at least 5 years younger than I really am, I've been told. But having a "socially unacceptable" body type is hard, really hard. Perhaps I'm just feeling fragile at the moment because of all the new job stuff. My normally semi-thick skin is worn a bit thin right now. But I can't help noticing how the girls with the tans and perky ponytails and short skirts look at me. Thankfully I haven't noticed this in the office at all, only out on the street. Perhaps I feel more confident in the office because I know that they all know that I've landed a pretty good job? Or perhaps they're just genuinely more friendly?
Either way, I've been spending my lunchbreak inside, at my desk, lemme tell you! A couple of times people have encouraged me to go outside and get some sun: no way, no how! That's how I'm used to spending most of my lunchbreaks anyway - eating lunch at my desk and surfing the internet. (Don't worry, I checked the internet policy with my manager and this is OK.) Before I moved to the new job, I had visions of continuing my twice-weekly habit of going for a walk through the park at lunchtime. But well, there is no park here and the streets are chokkers with people at lunch time. Not to mention that I'd feel like a right wally power-walking down the street in my fancy corporate get up. So I think that's a no-go. I also had visions of doing my other thing I liked to do on Monday nights - which is walking part of the way home from work along the tram line. That is probably more do-able. If I got all sweaty it would be OK, because I'd be going straight home afterwards. But again, I'd have the streets-chokkers-with-people problem. I may just need to experiment with different routes to solve that problem, though. Once my routine is up and running, I'll look into it.

Another thing which the dream touched on a little bit, which has been worrying me a lot is ... CLOTHES! I hate them so much. Last weekend before I started my job, I re-organised my wardrobe. Before it had been pants on one side, tops on the other. Now it's casual clothes on the left and work clothes on the right. I went through all my clothes. It took some time. (And that wasn't even ones that are in the hobby room waiting for repair or alteration!) I'm fine for pants, that's OK. As for tops - of all the ones that I was sure will be OK, plus ones that I thought may be OK at a stretch, there were 10. Out of those, there were:

- one that I would no longer be caught dead in;
- one that I never really liked;
- one that I'm not too sure about and my bra shows if I'm not always adjusting it;
- one that only just fits and it pretty uncomfortable so I hate it;
- one that's new and I've never worn, so I don't know how I feel about it.

So that makes 5 that I feel really comfortable in. (6 if I end up liking the new one.) A couple of those are pushing the boundaries of 'good enough'. And 2 of them are getting old now and are in danger of looking ratty if I wear them too often.
AND ... only one (1) of them is suitable for really hot weather.
Not only that, but looking into my wardrobe, I can see that every single one of them is either black and white, or black and red. I hate black and I hate red! And I hate white too, actually (see my previous post on style preferences). How did this happen??!

A girl can only come to one conclusion - I need to go shopping!

Geez, I hate shopping. I used to love it, but now I only go shopping about once every 6 months, when there's a big sale on. Occasionally I'll go at other times, when I'm feeling really good about myself, but that never lasts for long, lemme tell you! As soon as I see what's available in the larger sizes compared to the 'normal' sizes, it makes me want to curl up in a corner and cry! Even when I go to a shop that caters especially for larger sizes, I can't afford most of what's there, and even though most things come in my size, either they don't suit my body type, they're an ugly colour, too casual, too nanna, or something else I hate about them.

However ... I didn't rush out and go shopping straight away. Over the last week, one of the things I wanted to observe in the office was what the other women were wearing, to gauge what standard of clothes it would be acceptable for me to wear. Then I'd have a better idea of what to buy. Well, it was an exercise in frustration. Every time I saw a woman wearing a top I liked, I thought, 'oooh, I'd like that!' Then I'd think, 'but that won't come in my size, idiot!'

'not in my size.....'
'not in my size.....'
'not in my size.....'
'not in my size.....'

I think I was really driving myself barmy with frustration and confusion. How can I conform to the corporate image, yet still express my creative, quirky self, all within the confinement of the absolutely pathetic range of clothing options available to the larger sized young woman??! Arrgghh!

I'm going shopping tomorrow and I'm really not looking forward to it. Dreading it, even. Afterwards I'll get myself some Japanese stationery to cheer myself up.

Excuse this post for being insanely long, but I just had some stuff to get off my chest. Hopefully I'll feel better now. Man is at work today, so I'm kicking around the house on my own. Time for some pampering, I think!

With My Margarita Beside Me

Yesterday was my last day at my old work. I cried, but not in front of too many people, thankfully! I was there for 4 years. I had good times and bad times (but mostly good ones) and made some wonderful friends. I'm determined to keep in touch with them; not to make the same mistakes I have before.

This weekend I'm preparing to start my new job on Monday. Things aren't going as well as I'd hoped. I injured myself this morning - by running into a wall! I know, that sounds like the typical domestic abuse excuse, but it's true! I was walking along with my (open) laptop and the corner of it banged against the wall. The laptop is fine, but the other corner of it banged into my side, and made me twist abruptly. So now my lower back/hip area is sore and stiff. And I only just saw my chiropractor a few days ago; my next appointment isn't for another 3 1/2 weeks. Murphy's Law!

So I'm just taking it easy and applying Goanna Rub at regular intervals. I've had this kind of injury before and usually it's cleared up in a few days if I do the right thing - keep moving so it doesn't lock up from sitting still for too long, and don't sit/lie in a position which is going to aggravate it. Oh, I hope it's better by Monday!

Complicating matters is that my hormones are all over the place at the moment. One minute I feel happy and optimistic. Literally 5 minutes later, I'm feeling miserable, dreading Monday, can't stop focussing on the pain and feeling like crying.
I keep getting an urge to get online and buy things, to a) congratulate myself for landing a permanent job, or b) console myself for not getting to hang out with my fun work friends anymore. So perhaps I shouldn't make this post too much longer! Boy and I have decided that we're going to save as much money as we can and buy a place of our own ASAP. Hopefully in about a year, if all goes well.

But before I go, to cheer myself up - in my last post I mentioned that I'd post some pics of what I'd wear to work if size/availability/fit/practicality/societal prejudice were not an issue. Note: I would still replace the heels with flats in any of these!



Source: polyvore.com via ApartmentCat on Pinterest.
I love polka dots!
And mixing neutrals with pops of
bright colour in the accessories.


Source: southernbelleblog2.tumblr.com via ApartmentCat on Pinterest.
Hair-wise I'd go with a low, smooth bun,
but I love the bright skirt toned down with light neutrals.
I'd probably not use the sexy/daft facial expression, either.
Just sayin'.


Source: modcloth.com via ApartmentCat on Pinterest.
This checked dress just makes my heart sing!
I'd pair it with a yellow bag in summer,
and navy blue or purple tights in winter.


Source: stylehive.com via ApartmentCat on Pinterest.
I love this sweet, feminine blouse!
The colour makes me smile. Though I might be
pushing it with the little pom poms!


Source: kendieveryday.blogspot.com via ApartmentCat on Pinterest.
Again, neutral greys with a fun splash of colour.
Neat and stylish.

Can I Work It?

Mentioned the other day that I'm starting a new job next week. A lot of my focus at the moment (being a girl, naturally) is on - what am I going to wear??!

At my current job, the dress code is 'business casual'. Being in an area where there's a certain amount of physical labour involved each day, the management are quite lenient and it tends to veer more towards the 'casual' end of the spectrum. (The only real restriction is no jeans except on Fridays.) For a while, after being convinced by some friends that it would be good for my career, I tried wearing more upmarket clothes. But they kept getting ripped when they got caught on things, and dusty when I was in the storage area, not to mention stained when I spilt coffee etc. on them. It was very frustrating - ruining these fancy clothes that I'd spent so much money on. Another important factor is that I felt like a right wally dressed up to the nines when I was pushing a trolley around delivering people's mail. So once I'd ruined all those clothes, I went to the other end of the spectrum and went as cheap and casual as I could get away with. But that didn't feel right either. I felt like a bit of a slob. I felt like - if I wasn't trying at all in my appearance, then people might think I wasn't trying in my work, either. So I went for a happy medium. Proper pants in the winter, capri pants in the summer, and a range of tops which sit all over the spectrum from 'business' to 'casual-ish'.

In my new workplace, the dress code is 'business'. That's pretty daunting, and I feel especially so for someone of my size! The range of clothes available to me is pretty limited. And I limit myself further in what I prefer and what looks good on me. Here's the 'no' list:

NO skirts or dresses! Pants only for me. I used to wear skirts to work years ago. But now ... I have too much to do all day without worrying about whether my skirt is creeping half-way up my leg or if my thighs are rubbing together.

NO shirts! Or at least - no tops with a detail down the front. If the upper half has buttons etc., that's fine. But if there's any detail on the lower half, it just draws attention to my large stomach. And, lawd help me, especially not wrap tops! They just make my chest appear even smaller than it already is.
Additionally, I'm not at the point yet where I can wear a top tucked in, or with a belt. ... Well, a belt is OK as long as it goes just under my bust, and the upper part poufs over.
(When I say '"I'm not at the point yet", do I mean physically or mentally? I'm not really sure of that myself!)

NO long sleeves! Or 3/4 sleeves. They have to be short or I get too hot and the feel of them on my arms is annoying. A lot of people say that girls with big arms shouldn't wear cap sleeves, but I think they're cute, so I don't care. As for sleeveless? Well, you have to be very careful or it looks too casual. If I found the right garment, and it was a very hot day, I might be able to summon up my fabulous alter-ego and give sleeveless a go...

NO white! And probably not beige or yellow either. Not because, as they say, white makes you look bigger, but because white shows up stains worse and I always worry that it's become see-through. (I do look good in most colours except yellow and light orange shades anyway.)

NO heels! I can only wear flat shoes. And only certain types. I love ballet flats, so that's OK. But I can only wear ones that are elasticated or they slip right off and/or rub badly on my heels. Mary Janes (that have a strap over the top) are fine also, but they must have a soft heel or, again, I'll get terrible blisters. Winter is OK because I can just wear ankle boots. I hate shoe shopping, as you can imagine!

That's a fairly specific order, isn't it? Hm, I may have some trouble.

I'm probably being a bit premature here. I don't have any details on what the dress code really is, just a vague description of 'business'. I should probably wait until I have more information - see if there's a guide in my welcome pack, or observe what all the other women are wearing and take my cues from that. But I can't help thinking/worrying about it already, and I do like to be prepared. For fun I had a bit of a trawl through the intertubes, and here are a few outfits that I can see myself wearing:


Jessica from My Life & Style Blog
I would probably look for a jacket/cardigan with short sleeves, though.
And flats, of course.


Random pic from google.
This top has a nice ruffle detail on the bust,
but is smooth over the stomach.


Another random pic from google.
The little ruffle at the shoulder would probably
make me feel slightly less bare-armed!


Jessica from My Life & Style Blog again.
Love this black outfit with coloured layer over the top.
I have a red shrug I wear this way.


Pic from a site with tips for over 40s. Kinda demoralising. =(
This top is quite nice.
Colourful without being circusy.

It was quite hard coming up with these. It was all shirt, shirt, shirt, wrap top, shirt. A bit depressing, really. And, like I said before, I'm not really sure what I'll be able to get away with.

Tomorrow I might look for some outfits that I'd wear if size/availability were not an issue at all, for a bit of inspiration.

More Bean Spilling

Now that I've received the official paperwork for my second secret, I can tell it -
I have a new job! I start next Monday. I'm very excited, but mostly absolutely terrified. I've always been awful with meeting new people. I think I'm going to be fine, and then my negative voice kicks in and starts saying that people won't like me because of how I look, etc. But I just keep telling myself - it doesn't matter what I look like, what matters is whether I can do the job. And I know I can! It's basically the same work I'm doing now. It will be a busier environment, but I think I'll be able to cope with that. The best part is - it's a permanent job. I won't be a temp anymore as I have been for the last 4 years. I'll get holiday leave and sick leave! I'll be able to plan things like buying a house. It's very exciting, really!

There'll be so many changes. I hate change; it's scary. The thought of having to fit in with a whole new routine is very daunting for me. On the other hand, my current job has a very complicated routine - early shift this day, late shift that day, 1/2 hour lunch this day, 1 hour lunch that day. All that will be gone!
There are other changes I'll have to think about too, but I'll talk about them later in the week.

Meanwhile ...

The other day I was reading this post by Crazy Aunt Purl. Her blog isn't a knitting blog anymore, but I still love reading about her real-life wierd adventures as a fish-out-of-water Southern Belle living in Hollywood. Her post was about how she's managed to separate exercise from weight loss. Exercising used to be a horrible chore because she was 'only' doing it to lose weight. Now she walks every day because she really enjoys it and isn't doing it for any ulterior motive. She walked over 1,100 miles last year! (That's 1,770 kms! Things always look better in metric.)
I completely understand where Crazy Aunt Purl is coming from here. I enjoy moving my body, getting outside and going for a walk, or putting on the Kinect and Zumba'ing my butt off. But the second I start to think that I 'have' to do it, in order to lose weight, then all motivation goes out the window. I can't be bothered, it all seems too much effort, and my butt stays on that couch! So that's something to think about.

Friday Things

What a week I've been having! I have to tell you!

This blog is supposed to be on the theme of health and fitness, food and exercise, losing weight and feeling better. Obviously though, things that happen in life will affect all of those things. And the thing that happened to me this week was....



Boy and I got married on Tuesday!
It was very very small. We didn't want any fuss. It was really just a confirmation of what our lives have been together for the last few years anyway. Even though there wasn't a lot to organise, I still managed to stress quite a bit over it! However, (nearly) everything went smoothly on the day itself - there were a couple of wrinkles, but we ironed them out pretty easily.

Now I have another secret!
But I can't spill the beans until it's confirmed.

Now to the actual theme. How am I going? The answer is: okay, sort of!
I've been too busy and tired to exercise much this week. Yesterday at work I spent most of the day shifting files in the storage area and I was all done afterwards! There was no need to do formal exercise after that.
Food-wise things have been OK, but really only by accident. I have a craving for asparagus right now, mmmmm.
Stress-wise, I tried another guided meditation yesterday when I got home from work. I don't remember the end of it or anything until Boy arrived home, so that must mean I fell asleep, therefore it must have been good! It was a free sample app that I downloaded. There are many other (paid) ones with a meditation/hypnosis on various themes. I wasn't sure which one to pick, as I need help in a few areas! So I just got the free sample one to try it out. As with all self-hypnosis recordings, they recommend you listen to it once a day for at least 3 weeks. I'm not sure if I'll have time for that, and if I do, I'd rather choose one of the more specific ones to concentrate on. So I'm not quite sure where to go from here. Hmmmm!

Monday Update

As they say, the spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak. I'm even more determined than ever to get fitter and healthier, but my life is just so busy, it's like a whirlwind. Like I said in my last post though, I have to be annoyingly vague and mysterious about it all until things are confirmed (or not confirmed, as the case may be!).

You Don't Say ...

I've still been meditating most nights. (I was going to put 'trying to meditate', but I'm going to give myself more credit than that!) It helps me get to sleep better at night, but I'm not sure if it's beneficial for the rest of my day (yet?). You see, I've noticed a new development in the stress stakes - my jaw and my right shoulder have been hurting recently, and I couldn't figure out why. Over the last few days I've realised: my shoulder hurts because I tense it up when I'm at the computer using the mouse. My jaw hurts because I tense it up all the time. Not just in stressful situations, but even when I'm doing something relaxing like playing computer games or reading. It's gotten so bad that it feels like it's out of joint. Hmmm, what to do, what to do?

When's my next chiropractor appointment again?