The Weekend

I went for a walk on Saturday. Yay me, can I have a cookie now?
I'm so cynical because we walked to the cinema and back to see a movie, so it doesn't seem like 'real exercise'. Though it was 1km each way, so I did have to put in a little bit of effort. Foodwise I only had 2 meals: pancakes with hamsteak and egg for breakfast, and nachos for dinner. So I ate badly, but at least I didn't eat a lot.

On Sunday I was terribly slovenly. After telling myself I was going to do some housework, some craft and either another walk or yoga, I ended up spending approximately 9 hours on Pinterest. Oops. I just suddenly decided that some of my boards needed to be re-arranged, and before I knew it, it was nearly dinner-time. I'm like a collector who can spend all day happily sorting and re-sorting their collection without even noticing the hours fly by. Mine is just a virtual collection. =) Unfortunately I paid the price, though. My neck was sore, my shoulders were stiff, I had a pain in my mouse-hand, my legs didn't want to move. I finally hobbled away from the computer when I was too hungry to ignore dinner time anymore. I'm going to forgive myself because I wasn't feeling well yesterday, for "personal reasons" that I'm sure every woman can understand.
I obviously haven't learnt my lesson about sitting on the computer all day, because I'm strongly tempted to skip my lunchtime walk today so I have more time to spend on Pinterest! I'm not feeling very well again today anyway...........

Meanwhile....

Last week I had a whinge about clothes and such. Well, I've decided not to be so silly and just wear whatever I feel like - not what I feel I should wear; not what suits the weather or the 'feel' of an occasion; not what I dream of wearing but in reality would make me feel very self-conscious. I'm being a bit vague, I know, but there are several events coming up that I was stressing over; they're all different, but I was stressing in the same way about all of them!
That's one good thing that sunk into my head from Pinterest over the last few days. Images of people from the streets with quotes saying that they wear whatever makes them happy, not caring what other people think. I feel very restricted to the kinds of clothes I have access to, as a 'person of size'. But geez, if even Beth Ditto has to make her own clothes, then so can I! (My style is different to hers, but I have the same poor non-existent choice in the styles I prefer.) Although, Pinterest is a double-edged sword, because I found myself becoming envious not only of women who are smaller than me, but women who are the same size and larger as well! Just anyone who seems to be having more fun than me, I guess. I'm currently working on a list of 5 Ways To Make My Life More Interesting. Perhaps I'll post it tomorrow.

Ponies and Such

It seems that, as soon as things start to get a bit annoying, I revert to my childhood. I'm getting my exercise from computer games, I've started playing with dolls again, and I've taken to eating baby food!

In discussion last week, I had an insight into why I find it so hard to stay motivated. I set up a system of goals and rewards for myself. It's something that's been in the back of my mind for a while, but I've only know acknowledged it to myself. In the past I've done things like - drew up a chart for myself with rewards for incremental steps. e.g. reach __ weight and I can buy myself some new art supplies, or makeup or something. I made the gap in between goals 3-4kgs, tried to make it really easy for myself. And yet still I find it really hard to get excited about the plan, and look forward to buying myself those rewards. Why? Because I don't really feel like I deserve them. Even if I achieve the goal 100%, half the time I don't even buy myself the reward anyway. And the whole system comes crashing down. It's a bit of an issue.

I guess it's a similar thing to when I see other girls wearing beautiful clothes and pretty shoes, and I feel jealous and I want them too. But I never go and buy them for myself. The money could be better spent on other things. As for clothes - I should wait til I've lost weight, otherwise it'll just be a waste of money. As for shoes - I really should buy comfortable ones rather than pretty ones. Then I feel like a dork, wearing cheap clothes and ugly shoes. *sighs*

Meanwhile ...

I got so excited this morning because my top was looser! This is my favourite top that I wear nearly every week, so I would notice. But then I remembered that I'd dried it on the rack instead of in the drier this time, so it wouldn't have shrunk like it normally does. So I'm not thinner after all. What a bummer! I should weigh myself tomorrow morning and find out for sure. It's been a while. I'm hoping to have good news.

Back at the Farm ...

Meanwhile, I'm absolutely dying for a frozen yoghurt from the new frozen yoghurt shop in the city. It will definitely be a special treat. But what can I do to deserve one? Even if I ate healthy and exercised every day this week, I still wouldn't have time this week to go and get one. There's just no recourse.

Struggling

Things have been a bit nutty lately. I've been a bit nutty lately, more specifically. I'm not really sure why. The most stressful thing I had in my life has gone. Sure, I've still got a lot to do/organise in the next month or two. Rationally I know I can handle it. Yet my anxiety is zinging away like crazy. Night terrors, everything. Perhaps it's because I'm sick? My mental and emotional defences are down as well as my physical ones? I hope that's all it is. I hope it goes away soon. I find it a struggle to go out in public. I don't want people to see me. I feel self-conscious and ashamed. I feel like I felt years ago. Have I really taken so many steps back, so quickly? The techniques that I've started to develop for increasing my confidence and positivity have fallen by the wayside, and I dread having to go out in public to do even the quickest chore.
Lately I've been focussed on a particular area of my body. I think that I hate it. It's too big, it sticks out too much, it jiggles too much. At this moment it's the symbol of my shame. My thoughts have been pre-occupied with how I can make it look smaller. I can't wait until I've lost weight - that'll take months, years. I need to fix it now.
What I really need is to get over this! I need to breathe.* Go inside. Remember that there's so much more to life than appearances. Really take that on board.
Take a huge, deep breath and let my stomach expand.

---

* I hate to use such clichéd New Age language, but there's a part of my psyche that responds to it. I'm a big hippie at heart, really.

Early Morning Hand-Wringing

Planning on clearing out my wardrobe this weekend. Once every 6 months, I swap my summer/winter clothes over and (theoretically) get rid of any I don't want anymore. Today is casual day at work. Decided to wear a top today that I hadn't worn in about a year, to see if I still liked it. Mistake! I put it on and it was too tight across the stomach. A year ago it fitted just fine. This resulted in a session of whingeing, pouting and negative comments, which is a bit much for so early in the morning! I ripped it off and tried another one on. This one fit, but it was too short and my tummy showed. Plus it has a history of being itchy. It's a very pretty top, with nice details, but it might have to go. In the end I chose one that was long and loose and fairly unobtrusive. And made a renewed commitment to start eating healthier and exercising more.

In Related News ...

The clothes I ordered arrived last night! It's always taking a chance when you order clothes online. Two of them are too small around the armholes. I'll be able to fix that on one of them easily, but not sure about the other. The third fits fine but it's a bit see-through. Then again, in the pictures it was styled with another top underneath, so perhaps it was meant to be a layering piece. Overall I'm pretty excited that I ordered clothes from a straight-sized webshop and they fit! (They fit around my middle anyway, which is the important part. Not fitting around the arms is a different issue, in my books, and can be fixed much more easily.) True, there were only a small range of clothes that would have fitted (ones labelled 'oversized' mainly), but I'm seeing this more as a test case for the webshop than anything else. They have some lovely accessories and Japanese beauty products too. I'm totally obsessed with beauty products at the moment. But that's another story!

Some Thoughts

Not feeling very chatty lately, but I thought I'd just post a quick update anyway. Things have been like a whirlwind lately, I don't know if I'm coming or going. I feel like I have so much to do, and I'm scared I won't get it all done on time. Or that something will go horribly wrong. Was too busy cleaning on the weekend to pay any attention to what I was eating. So the only times I got a green tick was when I skipped meals. That bumped my score up each day from 'pathetic' to 'quite sad', but still it's not the best way of increasing my daily score. I just don't have time to worry about it too much at the moment though. There are too many other things to worry about! If there was a world championship for worrying, I'd probably be in the top ten in the world, I reckon! This time next week though, one of the biggest stresses will be done with, and I can start concentrating on myself and my journey again. Boy and I are planning a holiday in a couple of months, so at least that's something to look forward to!

Meanwhile ...

I wrote the following this morning. I wasn't sure if I was going to post it. This writing is much more personal than I'm used to. But then I decided to share it, in the hopes that it would help in some way. Perhaps I'll write more in more detail about my past at a later time.

Lately I've been looking around for blogs, books and other resources on positive body image, etc. I'm the kind of person that, any problem I have, I try to solve it by finding out more about it. Anyway, naturally quite a lot of the resources talk about eating disorders. I've been aware of them for a long time. In school we were warned about them. I remember being given a book about a girl that had anorexia. I still remember the story - she wanted to be a ballerina, but the pressure to be thin was so bad that she stopped eating and nearly died. I knew I would make sure never be like that. I liked food way too much for that! Somehow, I never realised that things could go the opposite way, too. Or, if I did, I was too young and didn't love myself enough to care. Socially awkward, painfully shy, books and food were my only constant friends. In high school, I went to some lengths to be able to eat in private, so I didn't have to feel ashamed. Then later, when I moved out of home and lived in my own room at Uni, I was free to eat whatever I liked, whenever I liked. When I was hungry, when I was lonely, when I was bored, when I was heartbroken, when I was stressed about a deadline. But it was OK because I didn't have anorexia or bulimia ... right? I knew that I ate whenever I was unhappy, lonely or stressed, but I thought everyone did it. Or drank, or did whatever to cope. One day I saw a poster up at Uni for a body image workshop being run by a PhD student. The types of women they were looking for included those who overeat. I can't remember why, but I decided to go. Was it mere curiosity? Was it because I wanted to meet other people like me? Was it because I finally realised that something was wrong with me? In any case, I'm very glad that I went to the sessions. I got to meet 4 amazing women and hear their stories. I felt like one of them, like we were all in it together, struggling with these issues. I wasn't alone. I was very sad when the sessions ended. I did a lot of thinking at that time.

Now, the material I've been reading has started me thinking again. ...
Are the issues that I've had and am having actually an eating disorder? Did I have one? Do I still have one? Am I 'recovering' (as the material terms it)? If I do have one, how bad is it? Can I get help? Do I need help?
More importantly though ... Would it help me or hinder me if I apply this label to myself? Would it change the way I feel about myself and my body? Would I feel freer, or more trapped? In purely practical terms, would it stop my cravings? Would it help me achieve my goals of becoming fitter and healthier?

I don't know the answers to these questions. These are just some thoughts that I'm having right now.

Yesterday I was having an email conversation with B. The subject of N & P's wedding and what we were going to wear to it came up. I've been stressing about it on and off for about a year now. The dress code is 'something that makes you feel awesome'. So at first I thought I'd go with some fantastic outfit based on the characters that I dreamt up when I was a kid. Then eventually, the more I thought about it, the outfit got less and less fantastic - thinking about how I'd look in it, and how I wished I looked in it. How my body should be if I were to do the costume any justice. I kept toning the outfit down until eventually it was nothing like what I really wanted at all. I'm really starting to get fed up with it. At times I just feel like giving up and making a giant black muumuu to wear! Every time I try to think of an outfit that would make me feel awesome, the problem is - I keep circling back to the fact that nothing would make me feel awesome because I don't like the body underneath it.

That kind of ruins the party, doesn't it?

I started getting a bit upset and having lots of negative thoughts (I won't repeat them here because in hindsight they were pretty dumb!). I couldn't walk it off like I'd done the day before because I was on late shift at work, so I just had to sit on it and stew. On the way home I detoured into the library and got 3 books on body image. - I'm the kind of person, when I have a problem, I always try to solve it by learning more about it. - I didn't really have any time to think about it, though - until I woke up at 5am again this morning. It seems Body and Brain conspired to force me to think about this problem! In order to try and solve it, I started thinking about the times when I have felt awesome (there've been a couple!) in the last couple of years. Who was I with? And where was I? They were usually really casual occasions, where I didn't have to dress up, and the focus was on what we were doing. A few times, I've felt pretty awesome when I was dressed up (e.g. my birthday party this year), but that was when I was really trying my hardest to give Negative Nancy the boot for the evening. And that's when it hit me -

It doesn't matter what I wear,

all that matters is how I feel!

It's so simple, really. I can't believe I didn't think of it earlier. There's no need for fancy, elaborate costumes. I could be wearing the most beautiful ball gown ever made, and feel terrible. I could be wearing a pair of scuffy old jeans and my peasant blouse and feel fantastic. So I'm not going to stress out about what to wear anymore. From now on, I'm going to concentrate on getting into a frame of mind which will allow me to feel awesome. Hopefully not just on the day, but every day!

Sunday Stuff

The weekend! I went out shopping today. Boy and I just needed a bit of a shopping spree to cheer us up, I think. He bought a fancy coffee grinder, and some tea, and we both bought clothes and computer games. Also I bought a salt lamp. I have no idea if it actually has the health benefits that it says on the label, but the changing colours are pretty and relaxing to look at, so that's something! We had cheese on toast for breakfast, and chicken burgers with chips for lunch at the shopping centre. Yeah, not so healthy! I'm still very bad at keeping under control on the weekends. However, instead of going ahead and finishing my burger, I stopped when I was no longer hungry, and didn't eat all my chips either. That was something I realised I needed to start doing again - stop before I get full, not just keep going until it's all gone.

The last few weeks, I was trying to save money by not taking my vitamins. I thought they weren't really important. Not a good idea! Exhibit No. 1: my eczema has gone crazy-bonkers-bananas!! I get it on my left hand, on the palm. Well, it's flared up pretty badly, becomes unbearably itchy a couple of times a day. And a few times I've given in to that and scratched it (or rubbed it against something sort of sharp like the edge of a table) until it no longer itched. Because the skin is so thin, it opened up a fairly large crack. Ooops! It's healing now, but yeah, not so good. Also, I was getting a tingling feeling in the palm of my other hand, and noticed some very small flaky patches. Which is NOT good at all - I haven't had eczema on that hand in years, and I don't want it to start up again! So I'm back to taking my Omega 3-6-9s again. For sure, twice a day, no skipping! It costs money, but it's just not worth the aggro to skip them. Learning it the hard way, silly me!
And who knows what skipping the other vitamins has done to me - I don't even want to think about it!

This week as well, I haven't been too good physically. My hip and lower back have been playing up again. Normally if that happens I just do some stretches and it goes away after a day or two, but not this time. My hip's been like this for almost a week now, on and off. It's worse if I sit still (e.g. at work or on the internet at home - the 2 things I spend the most time doing!!), but it gets better if I move, do gentle walking. It's hard to get started though, because it hurts! I have just been trying to keep in mind though, that it'll get better. Boy and I did a whole bunch of walking as part of our shopping spree today. We decided to walk around the whole place, and it took hours! I'm surprised we didn't buy more, actually. ;) The computer game I bought was a Kinect game (of course!) - I might play a bit later on after I've washed my hair tonight.

I've just now found this Body Peace Pledge as I was surfing around, and I thought it was pretty cool. The pledge is posted on the Seventeen Magazine website. Part of me thinks it's rather sad that I'm getting advice from a magazine aimed at teenagers - I'm 35 years old for heck's sake, surely I would have worked all of this out by now??! When I was younger, I just assumed that things would naturally get easier as I got older. But often I feel like I'm taking 1 step forward, 2 steps back, like the old saying goes. I believe that everyone is on their own path, some are further along it than others, everyone has setbacks, everyone is doing the best they know how. And actually, as I think a bit more about the points on the pledge, I'm doing much better than I was just a few years ago. I used to get so hurt when I saw a disgusted look on someone's face when I was walking down the street, and so angry when I saw a pitying look. For a long time, I just refused to look people in the face at all. I would wear my ipod so I couldn't hear any comments, and didn't wear my glasses so all the faces were just a blur, if I did happen to accidentally break my habit and start looking at people.

A few months ago, I started to realise how sad that really is! How awful is that?! I used to love people-watching! I used to love wandering around the city, just looking at all the buildings. I had given that up completely. So I have started to be brave again and I wear my glasses, and I look at people, look them in the face even, sometimes! And if they choose to notice me, think or feel something about me, choose to let that thought or feeling show on their face - that's their business, not mine!

I do still wear my ipod though, cos I love listening to music. ;)

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Blech!

Well, blech! I've been feeling all blecchy lately. I feel tired, weak and stiff. And I'm sick of it! No wonder, really. I only did proper exercise 1 day last week. Did do quite a few mail runs (the ones that involve a 20min walk - I've timed it - they sort of half-count). But no proper exercise. I'm sick of feeling this way! And finally weighed myself this morning after getting new batteries for the scales - and I've put on 1.5kgs. Blergh. I guess it could have been worse though, but still - I'd rather see the scales going down than up. I'm never going to lose a satisfactory amount of weight by November!! And why is it always so cold and dark? I don't feel like exercising cos, by the time I get home, it's dark. And cold. Blergh! When will winter end??!

Sorry about all the whingeing ... Now what can I do about it??

I haven't been eating my boiled egg every morning recently, and I've really been noticing the difference. Boy says he has, too. I have less energy, and when I get to work, I'm absolutely starving. So I'm going to make sure I have my egg every morning.

This week I made my Focus: "To exercise every day to the best of my ability." Maybe it sounds a bit wussy when I put it that way, but was feeling really tired yesterday when I decided on it, and I think I just wanted to give myself a bit of a break, and not beat myself up too much if I don't do some crazy, pumped-up workout every single day. I know that I'm probably feeling so tired because I haven't done any exercise lately, it's like a vicious circle, but it can be fixed!

Another funny thing is - last night I made my own butter. No idea what got into me! Butter, so unhealthy. But more healthy than margarine, some say. It was interesting anyway. So we're using a little in our mashed potato, and the buttermilk we're saving to make maybe pancakes or scones. I eat less bread than I used to, so using less margarine anyway. Or is that just an excuse?

Seeing as I've put on weight, I can't keep on thinking like this.

Later That Day ...

Really gotta lose weight. That's what I keep thinking to myself. I've been lucky so far. But if I get a job where I have to wear more formal clothes to work, then I'll be very unhappy. I look terrible in a shirt. The buttons down the front make my tummy look bigger. If I get one that's loose, I look like a solid block, and if I get one that's fitted, I don't fill it out up top, and I look like a solid block with puffs of fabric on it. So that's why I keep thinking, the only solution to this is to lose weight. The more it seems like I might have to get a different job, the more stressed out I'm getting about this particular point. Gotta lose weight, that's the only way to solve this problem. I don't really hate my body, I just hate the way it looks. Hm, does that make sense? I'm a bit worried that it doesn't.

Off for a walk now!

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More from Weight Loss for Food Lovers. The next chapter is on Self-Sabotage. A topic close to my own heart. Some people find it hard to lose weight. Why?? He talks about what self-sabotage is and how it can come about and some simple strategies for overcoming it. He suggests to get professional help if these don't work. This topic, though fairly brief, was explained well and compassionately (which is what you'd expect coming from a psychologist!) I'll probably read it again, as it gave me some interesting food for thought. (heh, get it? sorry...)

Last night I did my best to stick to my Weekly Focus. Went to the health food shop on the way home to stock up on Omegas (I'd rather take 6 tablets a day than eat oily fish, blech!). Saw they had roasted soy beans, so I got some to try. Snacked on them while reading, along with a mug of green tea. Much, much healthier than the alternative! I'm proud of myself!


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Ranting and Such

So very tired today. Nearly fell asleep at my desk a few times this morning. Did end up eating all the leftover treats at work last night. Was dreading coming in and having the other guys notice. Felt very guilty. Especially since I went home and had a largish dinner and largish dessert as well and ate everything on my plate even though I wasn't hungry. I was just so tired that I didn't even think about it. Even had a nap on the couch after dinner, and that didn't seem to help at all. I'm looking forward to sleeping in this weekend.

Meanwhile ...

I'm feeling pretty cynical today, so excuse me if I sound pretty negative. I read another couple of sections of the Weight Loss book this morning. He explains how to savour food and eat it mindfully. I really like this idea. I think paying attention to the little things more would be good in general (if I had time, ha!). The theory is - if we are fully enjoying the food we eat, then there won't be the need to eat as much to get the same pleasurable effect. Also if we take longer to eat it, our fullness signal will kick in before we've had the chance to eat as much, and we'll eat less overall. In combination with the mindfulness practice, of asking ourselves, "how hungry am I really?" then we should eat less, every day. It's a very good theory. I'd like to try it myself one day soon. I was thinking though - what about those people who, due to psychological issues, have a compulsion to eat until they're full (and know it) and then go on and eat more? As a psychologist, surely he would have realised this? Maybe he'll address it later in the book.

Now I'm up to the chapter where he's explaining why we shouldn't bother exercising. His arguments seem a bit weak to me. Unless I read it wrong, he says we only burn of 30% of calories through exercise, and 70% from running our bodies just normally. So if you exercise, you'll only be burning off 30% more calories than if you were lying on the couch. I'll have to look up the source for that, because it doesn't seem right to me.

And so, following on from that, his argument is that, since exercising doesn't really have that much benefit, then health-care professionals shouldn't ask people on a weight-loss plan to exercise at all, only diet. Because A) when people exercise (usually going to the gym), they tend to mis-calculate the number of calories they need, overcompensate, eat too much, and end up putting on weight instead of losing it; and B) being on a diet is hard enough as it is, and people are inherently lazy, and they'll just give up if they're asked to do too much.
Well, I was disturbed and insulted by these arguments! Firstly, it's a bit of an assumption to make that people eat too many calories after going to the gym. The woman he talks about in his example is just one person, and there are many other people who've lost weight successfully after going to the gym. There's plenty of information out there about what/how much to eat before/after an exercise session. Secondly, surely it's just as important to be fit and healthy as well as slim. There are so many people out there who are thin as rakes, and they're out of breath after one flight of stairs. What about all the other health benefits? The increased heart/lung capacity, flexibility, feel-good hormones, self-esteem, etc. etc.? So, surely it's inadvisable to tell people that exercise isn't necessary. I can just imagine readers' eyes lighting up... - Wow, I don't have to exercise! It's like a get-out-of-jail-free card! Plus I can eat whatever I want, every single day! This is a great book! And more copies of the book get sold.

Thirdly, he assumes that everyone is lazy and no-one likes to exercise; that it's a chore which de-motivates people and leads to them giving up altogether. Well, that's just plain not true. I love to walk (fast, too!). I look forward to Monday nights after work when I go for my extra-long walk. One of my workmates loves going for an hour-long walk as well. A lady I did a workshop with once loves her hockey team and hates missing a session. Fourthly, surely every little bit helps? Even if you're only burning off 30%, then isn't it better than nothing? Doesn't that mean you'll reach your weight goal just that little bit faster? And don't we keep being told that you shouldn't be doing it just to lose weight but to be fitter and live longer and all that stuff??

Personally, regardless of whether I'm fat or thin, I'd rather be able to run for the tram, climb that flight of stairs, perhaps even run a km or two, than the alternative. So I'm going to keep on exercising, thankyouverymuch.

And now I read in The Age online that in order to prevent bowel cancer, not only should I eat healthy, exercise, drink more water and lose weight - I should stop eating processed meats! But they're my favourite food!! So Unfair!

Okay, rant over now. Back to your normal programming.

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Blah!

Eugh! I just can't be bothered! My motivation is at an all time low. I had two pieces of choc cake last night - one with extra icing! - and I don't even care! Just generally feeling really blah lately. I've been wanting so bad to lose weight, and looking at slimmer women and thinking how unfair it is that I look this way. But then I feel too sad and unmotivated to actually do anything about it. Still sick, always tired, and thoroughly fed up with it!

I went for a walk last night after work. I felt too tired to go very far - about as far as I would when I was first starting out with exercising. But I tried not to beat myself up about it. Told myself I need to get back into it gradually. I'm sick of having to start over again. And again!

Anyway, there's no point whingeing. I have it pretty lucky, really.
I can't wait til lunchtime! Boy made a really delicious couscous salad last night, and I get to have the leftovers for lunch. Lucky me!

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