More on 2017

In the New Year, I wrote a list of goals on my main blog (or is it my craft blog, or my hobbies blog, or my blog I don't mind the general public seeing as much? Ahdunno!). I created 9 goals, as 9 is an important number for me. Here they are in short form, to save you from having to click over:

1. Spend more time outside.
2. Share more on the blog.
3. Finish KonMari'ing my house.
4. Plan a regular yoga practice.
5. Continue my rune studies and other spiritual pursuits.
6. Spend more time doing crafts.
7. See if my sewing machine still works; if not, buy a new one.
8. Explore fashion more and take more photos of myself.
9. Play with my dolls more, and make/design things for them.

Even as I was formulating them, I realised they were mostly to do with things I write about on my hobby blog, so I decided to use my Life Square that I created last new year to come up with a more balanced set of goals .... eugh *shivers* goals gwishes (as Havi from The Fluent Self calls them!). I made up a 9x3 grid (because, I dunno, that was just working for me at the time) and slotted the gwishes into it. Then I added in more to fill out the grid:



The 9 gwishes from my hobby blog are highlighted in green. I called it a matrix because that just sounded cool. A few of the gwishes are fairly simple and/or things I'll probably do in the next month, it's true, but I wanted to give myself a couple of easy ones. Self love, baby, self love!

Looking over it again, I also realised that nearly all of the gwishes will further ones on my 101 Things in 1,001 Days list, which is great!

Then I made an attempt to write a list of actions underneath each gwish, but my brain went Ugh!!, and it didn't happen. But I'm back again today, inspired (as I was this time last year) by the organisational prowess of Marietta of Witchy Words, as well as this article I read this morning: Why You Should Be Planning for 2018, Not 2017. Medium has about a billion articles on motivation and suchlike, especially at this time of year, but for some reason that one stuck with me. Well, it has for the last 6 hours anyway.

With both of those influences percolating away in the back of my mind, I determined to have another go at writing a list of actions that will get me closer to my gwishes in 2017. I will use all the lessons I've learned in goal-setting and SMART Thingies and blah blah to craft it. (Can I count it as working on my crafts?)

[fast forward to tomorrow]



I copied out the 9x3=18 gwishes into a new page, and made space for up to 3 actions underneath each one. I greyed out any that I don't want to start working on straight away. I took it easy, working on one gwish at a time, breaking down things into as small actions as possible, trying to make them into Complete Willingness Units (CWU) as Barbara Sher calls them. (Many people have thought of alternatives names for that concept, and I might too one day.) Actually, I'm not too sure I did so well at this part -- most of them can be broken down into smaller tasks, but at least it's a start.

The idea now is to add the matrix to my weekly routine -- the bit where I check my master list to see what I want/need to do for the upcoming week. Theoretically, that should keep things chugging along until I achieve all my goals gwishes! Part of me is tempted to pooh-pooh it all and say I can't/won't do all that. Another part of me is tempted to add more and more until it's completely impossible to achieve. Part of me is thinking, "what if I do other stuff that isn't on the list, then that stuff won't really count!" (I have no idea what purpose it serves to think things like that.) But the article I read says you really have to believe you can do things if you want to achieve them, so I'm really going to try.

3 Years Later -- How My Brain Has Changed

Reading back through my blog posts from 3 to 5 years ago, I'm really surprised at how focussed I was on how much I ate, what I ate and how much I exercised. I don't know if I really thought about those things that much, or I only wrote about them so much because the blog was a health/fitness/weightloss blog. Probably the latter, but it did also reveal a lot about how my thought processes worked and the kind of language I used in talking to myself.

Quite a few of the posts are embarrassing to read now, as I don't think that way or view myself that way anymore. I thought about deleting some, if not all of the posts, but in reading through them I was reminded of many things that happened during that time. I also had some insights and ideas which I think I might find useful now.

* I beat myself up very much less than I used to. This is awesome. I don't really know how it came about. If there's anyone reading this blog and wishing for advice, I don't really know what to say. I just slowly seem to have let go -- let go of perfectionism, let go of comparing myself to other people (though it's still something I need to constantly remind myself of, especially when I'm on social media!). There were a lot of little incidences here and there, like comments from Husband and friends, which made me think about things and slowly start to re-arrange my priorities.

* I think that having our own house has helped immensely. I finally have a place that's mine. I don't have the looming shadow of real estate agents and landlords wanting to come and inspect the place always in the back of my mind. Not to mention the possibility of being kicked out again on someone else's whim. It's more relaxing to be at home. I have privacy. I have a garden that I can spend time in and do whatever I want to. In fact, gardening has become, not just a hobby, a great passion and solace for me in the last three years. I know that not many people are lucky enough to have this -- I try to be aware of my privileges -- but I'm mentioning it just as an observation, not to brag etc.

* I notice that I used to make a lot of lists of things that I was determined to do that week, and then not do them, come back to the blog and whinge about how much I sucked. Things like exercise x times, drink x bottles of water, have NO DESSERT EVER!!!, etc. I think the main problems with that were: a) I had no way of recording whether I actually did what I said I was going to do; and; b) I don't even like being told what to do by myself, let alone by anyone else!
I seem to have solved this problem somewhat organically a couple of years ago. I added a section to my weekly to-do list, to record whether I did several things each day, including drunk enough water, went for a walk, washed my face, etc. I'm constantly reminded to pay attention to these things because I check my to-do list many times a day. I give myself points and a reward if I did these things more days than last week. I call it Improvement On Last Week (IOLW), and it's part of my larger Frequent Walking Points system -- something that I created during the time I was writing the blog, and which has stuck around. Perhaps I'll write about it more at a later time.

* I developed some different ways of coping. Some of them were what I started to call Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms (UCMs). (As much as I joke about over-formalised language and using acronysims, I find that it helps me deal with concepts that are difficult to think about.) When I finally realised how unhealthy they really were, it was a bit of a turning point, and I reverted back to some healthier ones that I'd used in the past instead. I let myself relax a lot more than I used to. And just acknowledging that you need coping mechanisms to get by in life is important, I think. Whether it's daydreaming, watching guilty-pleasure TV, having a hobby that you spend a certain (reasonable) amount of money on, etc. It's important.

* Around the start of this year, not long after I finished up at my old job, I decided to renew my spiritual side. Before, I've found it a great comfort and a reminder of what's important in life. I set up a ... well I'm not sure what you'd call it, altar is not really the right word. A shelf to keep my special things on, including my runes (of which I bought a new set), Tao Te Ching cards, crystals, and things I've collected like feathers, pine cones, stones, etc. I committed to spending time reading on spiritual things, and thinking about them. I've come to some conclusions and made progress on other lines of thought. This might never have happened, had I not had the time to think about them while I was unemployed ... between jobs ... under-employed ... a housewife ...
I spent a bucketload of time on Tumblr, gathering information and resources, finding new blogs, reading about other people's experiences, etc. I know it's trendy lately to call yourself a witch, but it was nice to see other pagans out there representing.

That's all I can think of right now. Perhaps more will come up as I think about things more; I've also flagged some of the posts/ideas as potentially helpful, so I may write more about those at a later time.

I'm back!

I'm back! Hello! I've been on holiday! Yup, you didn't see that one coming, a ninja holiday. The main reason Husband and I went was to attend our friends' wedding and to support them in organising it, etc. We also had some fun times. But let's get the whingeing and whining out of the way first. I had suspected the tropics weren't for me, and I was right. I just can't cope with the heat and humidity. Beforehand I thought: this is gonna be great! 8 days where I can go for lots of walks, swim every day, maybe twice a day! I'll be nice and trim and fit by the end of it! Or further along the way, at least.
Well, I went for one single walk, along the beach. That was a social walk, not a cardio session. (A lovely experience, but not much fat was burned, I suspect.) The rest of the time, it was either too hot, too humid, or too rainy. Sometimes, all 3 at once!
As for swimming, I went for 3 short swims, the kind where you're just floating around in the water, nothing strenuous. I wanted to get up early and swim before it got too humid and sunny, but the pool didn't open til 8am. Most of the time the situation was - well, we're meeting up with the other people we know up here soon, don't wanna get my hair wet and have to take another shower and get changed again, so I'll just hang out in the room and read or work on my puzzle book in the air-conditioned comfort.
We went on a tour of the rainforest. Which was great! I really loved it. From a physical activity point of view though ... the description said we were going on a bush walk. Don't get me wrong, the walk was interesting, but it was about 10 minutes in duration, along a flat concrete path. So my hopes of getting some good exercise that day didn't come true, plus we stopped off and ate ice cream on the way back! Gosh, it was delicious ice cream, though.
Speaking of food, I ate like all get-out. We cooked for ourselves in the room for most meals, actually. Hoping to save some money - groceries were very expensive there, but I'm sure eating out every night would have cost even more. So therefore my eating patterns were similar to what they normally are on weekends: largish breakfast, smallish lunch, no snacks, medium healthy dinner, and largish unhealthy dessert. Yes you read right, large unhealthy dessert! I've yet to kick that habit. More on that later. The only difference was probably less coffee and tea (no time/too hot). Come to think of it though, we almost definitely ate healthier than if we'd eaten out for every meal, anyway.
I weighed myelf when I got back, and wished I hadn't. I've put on over 2kgs in the last month or so. However, I did weigh myself sometime after lunch, not first thing in the morning, so I'm not going to put it officially on record. I'll wait til next week and see what the scales say then.


On the bright side -
I didn't get sunburnt!
I had a lot of fun on the 2 tours we went on, and with the other people up there for the wedding. The wedding itself was really beautiful and it was wonderful to see the bridal couple so happy.
I slept really well. I got to sleep so quickly and slept through the night, unlike at home. There was only one night near the start where I woke up in the middle of the night. Even though I woke up early in the mornings and didn't sleep in, I felt refreshed. The dark circles under my eyes had just about vanished by the time the holiday was over!
I discovered I love snorkelling! We went on a tour of the coral reefs, and I went snorkelling and saw the most amazing corals and fish. It was brilliant! I'm going to buy my own snorkelling gear and use it every chance I can. I don't know if there's anywhere to go snorkelling near home, but I'll find out!
On the plane on the way home, I had one of those epiphanies, you know those ones where you start out dreading having to go back home to your old routine. But then you decide that things are going to be different!. Don't worry, it wasn't a big one, I'm not going to quit my job and go live in a teepee or anything. It was only a mini-epiphany. I just want to actually do the things that I tell myself I'm going to do. Not even big things, either. Just little things like: go for a walk at lunchtime, drink a whole bottle of water (I've gotten out of these habits the last month or so), do something from my Things To Do List, meditate after work, or do something active on the weekend. They're perfectly easy and reasonable things to do, but I haven't been doing them. They would be so good for my wellbeing, but still, I haven't been doing them. The reasons why are a bit too full-on for me to go into right now. (This post is long enough already!)

There's been some Good Stuff, though. I had the day off yesterday, but after Husband got home from work, we went to the supermarket and bought lots of fruit and veges! Normally we buy a few things, and we run out during the week, or don't have them at every meal. But this time I bought extra. (I'm having celery sticks with my mid-morning rice cakes, a banana for afternoon tea, and we're having lots-o-veg in our paella tonight.) I was feeling a bit bad that I hadn't done any exercise, but after we got home from the supermarket it was still light (yay daylight savings!) and I still had some energy, so I went for a walk. At first I'd be gone for 15-20 minutes max, but somehow I kept deciding I could go that little bit further, and it ended up being 30 minutes. Yay me! I haven't had time to think about what my next challenge will be, or even how I'll record what I've done in the meantime, but at least this is recorded here on my blog. ;)

When I was on holiday, I started reading 2 books I downloaded onto my iPod. (I read a lot of short stories as well, but only these two are relevant here.) They were Lose Weight Without Dieting: The Animal Kingdom Way and How to Sleep Well. I was about a chapter into each one by the time I got home, and after the horrendous night's sleep I had last night, I decided to concentrate on How to Sleep Well first. Cos I figured, the stuff in the other book would be just that bit harder to do if my sleep bank were running on empty. =) I'll report back on my findings.

Looking Good

Things are looking up at the moment. I'm really looking forward to my holiday, I'm still feeling good about my long walk the other day, and yesterday morning I weighed myself and I've lost 0.5 kgs. I'm so happy! I know it's not a huge amount of weight, but to finally see the graph going down instead of up is a huge boost. I'm using an app called Weight Diary Free. It's pretty basic, but it has everything I want: a pretty graph, and a satisfying green arrow next to every entry showing I've lost weight. (Well, that's the plan, anyway.) Tonight I think I'll have a look at the full version and see if I want to upgrade.
Keeping it short today because I want to go out for a walk in the rest of my lunch break.

Midweek Ramblings

I'm tired again today, but as The Husbandy One pointed out this morning, it's a different kind of tired to normal. It's more of a 'I walked a really long way yesterday and now my body needs a little bit of time out' sort of tired. Because I did walk a really long way yesterday: 3.42 km! I thought perhaps I'd have to catch a tram back from finding the elephants to where I normally get on public transport, but I walked all the way back. I'm proud of myself. I find that after I do a goodly work out, I feel a bit less anxious, more centred and content. I'm certainly not a zen master or anything! But it goes a little way to helping.

I thought I'd weigh myself this morning.
Hm!
I thought, surely with the exercise I've been doing lately, perhaps I've lost a little weight? No, not only have I not lost weight, but I've put on 0.8 kgs. It was a blow, but then I reminded myself: you're in this game to become healthier and fitter, not to try and force a number on a scale to change. You've been doing great things lately, so feel good about those!
Speaking of achieving things, I haven't had the time or energy (or the money, really) to reward myself for the milestones I've reached for the Baby Elephant Walk challenge. And I've realised: it's not really that important to me right now. I'm really focussed on planning what I'm going to do next, rather than looking back on what I've already done. I found some more potentially useful websites yesterday, but I'll talk more about those later.

In Other Ramblings ...

Meanwhile, I threatened promised to talk about food recently. I think my diet is mostly pretty good these days.
Sorry for the interruption, but gosh I hate the word 'diet'. I want to use it in a neutral way to describe what I eat, but it's not a neutral word. It implies a lot of things I don't want to be associated with, like deprivation, restriction and extremism. I want to come up with a new term that describes what I eat/drink in a way that feels good for me. Now back to your regular programme...
As I was saying, I think my eating is mostly pretty good. There's definitely room for improvement, though. I can feel a bullet point list coming on!

Things I'm doing well on:
* healthy, filling breakfasts on workdays
* eating enough fruit
* drinking at least 1.5 litres of water a day
* cut back alcohol consumption to 1 or 2 drinks a week. I've been known not to drink alcohol at all on a Friday or Saturday night now! *gasp!*
* saying no to food when I'm not hungry; not eating too much just to finish off a meal when I'm already satisfied
* I (still) don't drink soft drink, or eat donuts, biscuits or chips. I just don't really like these things anymore.

Things I'm still working on / only do sometimes:
* eating a healthy, balanced lunch
* having a milo instead of a chocolate bar in response to sweet cravings at work in the afternoons
* cutting back on coffee. It's just so good!
* eating a home-cooked, healthy dinner - I'd say I'm at about 90% on this one.
* eating and drinking enough/appropriately when exercising.

Things I'm not doing so good on:
* not eating enough vegetables - I usually only eat veges at dinner time.
* giving in to cravings, and eating too much and/or unhealthy snacks when I get home from work
* unbalanced eating on the weekends - i.e. a huge breakfast and then very little throughout the day, plus not that healthy either.
* dessert. Too much and too unhealthy!

I don't have time to analyse all this right now. More in future posts.

Midweek Ruminating

Welcome to the middle of the week.

I'm pretty much recovered from my mammoth walking session on Monday. On the one hand, I'm proud of myself that I walked so far; on the other hand, feel ashamed because I used to be able to walk much further! I started to get worried that I wouldn't be able to find all 50 elephants before the exhibition is over (21st September). Many of them are an even longer walk away than the ones I found on Monday. But then I started to think about the situation on Monday: I had just finished work and my energy levels were depleted to begin with (I'm doing the jobs of 2 people plus writing up a new procedures manual at the moment); I was wearing my work clothes, which I think is a psychological disadvantage because I don't want to do anything too strenuous in them and ruin them; I was lugging all my work stuff with me, plus the stuff I'd bought at lunch time; all my stuff was in a sling bag which I'd bought cheap at lunch time, so the weight of it was on one side and constantly pulling me off balance; the sling bag had a thin cord strap which dug into my shoulder; the air was quite cold and that makes it harder for me to exercise because of my asthma. Some may call these excuses. I call them facts, and reasons not to beat up on myself. After all, I did complete the walk as intended, didn't I? I can do this! I just have to be more organised and realistic next time.

So these are the things I need to do (in no particular order):
- find my backpack and see if it's suitable, if not, buy a new one;
- look at the locations of the remaining elephants and plan out routes: I may be able to combine up to 6 in a single walk;
- divide the routes up into long and short, and decide which are short enough to do at lunch time, which I need to leave to after work, and which are long enough to merit bringing a change of clothes to work
- the matter of the ultimate 2 elephants: the ones at Melbourne Zoo itself. Aside from being the furthest one away, I don't know if these ones are actually inside the zoo or just outside. If they're inside, and I go after work, then the zoo will be shut by that time and I won't be able to see them. Even if they're outside, and I do get to see them, then it would be pretty disappointing being at the zoo and not being able to go inside! So perhaps Husband and I would have to go on the weekend? But if we do that, then where should I start my walk from?? What a dilemma!
- do it!!
Other thoughts: I should probably make sure I space them out evenly and don't do all the short walks in the beginning, leaving all the longer walks to the end. If it takes me a couple of days to recover from a really long one, then it makes sense to alternate with short ones.

Right, I'm gonna log off right now and start planning!

I've given up on my food diary again! Ok well -

I think I mentioned a while back that I made up a template for a daily food/exercise/health diary booklet. I printed out the templates, stapled them together into a booklet, and took it with me to work and home. I filled it in faithfully for about a month. It worked pretty well. It was handy for work, portable and easy to fill in. However, as with all my previous food diaries, there was only one issue - the act of filling it in and recording everything didn't actually change what I ate! What purpose is a food diary for? How is it supposed to work? Is it supposed to make you aware of what you're eating? And by extension, change what you eat? Is it supposed to make you too ashamed to eat anything unhealthy because you'd have to admit it by recording it for all posterity?

Well, none of that worked for me. I ate and then wrote down chocolates, lollies, cakes, big chunks of rocky road; all without thinking about it for even one second. I did faithfully write them all down, but I didn't think at all about differentiating between different types of foods (i.e. foods that it's OK to eat a lot vs. foods that I should only be eating occasionally, if at all). It was all just the same.

So the only conclusion I can come to is that keeping a food diary is a waste of time for me. It doesn't have the desired effect. So that's it! I'm not gonna do it anymore!
However, there's just one little niggling thing with that. When I do eat healthy foods, I want to acknowledge it. Feel good about it and reward myself (not with more food though! eheheh). I don't know why, but I just thought I should call them 'Foods that Support my Long-Term Happiness'. That has an element of mindfulness to it that I think I really need. I could post them on the blog. But I don't want it to become an interminably boring roster of my most base, mundane daily habits. Although I'm sure it's already quite dull. (Sorry, I don't know why my writing is so melodramatic at the moment!)

So anyway, enough blathering on. I ate the following Foods that Supported my Long-Term Happiness yesterday: natural yoghurt with fresh paw paw for breakfast, carrot sticks for morning tea; green coffee with lunch; a banana for afternoon tea.
Healthy Behaviours: I didn't eat the chocolate! Day 2 of not eating the chocolate. Did a toning workout in the evening while waiting for dinner to cook (admittedly it was pretty short, but definitely a good step forwards).
And today (so far): whole wheat cereal with fresh paw paw for breakfast. Carrot sticks for morning tea. Though they tend to give me a stomach ache, so I might have to re-think.

Meanwhile...

This morning I wasn't feeling so good as I did yesterday. Not much energy, feeling a bit blah. Hump day. Still, things aren't so bad, because I can successfully cheer myself up by telling myself that things aren't so bad.
I really want to buy something. I'm on a spending ban this month. Husband and I need to save money at the moment. I've been pretty good too, I think. I only bought a scarf to replace my favourite one that I lost, and 2 tops from the same site which were on sale. Also, 2 books from the book depository during their 24-hour sale, which were under $5 each. Actually, the sale was quite fun: on their homepage they put up one book per hour which was insanely cheap. Most of them sold out pretty quick, so they put up back-up books until the next hour started. Of course, many of them were ones I wasn't interested in, but I'm surprised I managed to hold back and only get 2. Unfortunately I only found out about the sale when it was nearly over, probably a good thing, really! The books haven't arrived yet. Now I'm really, really tempted to go to the "all books $5 shop" near my work at lunch time. It's had a 'closing down sale' sign on it for the last couple of weeks. One part of me says 'wait til next week, then it'll be July and your spending ban will be officially over'. Another part of me says, 'you should go this week, today! It might close down any day now, and it's end of financial year, it probably won't be open next week and you'll miss out! Not only that, but you have to go today, because you're too busy the rest of the week! So it has to be today!'.
Dilemmas!

Surprise!

It's been a while, hasn't it? I try not to be the kind of person who apologises for not posting for ages on my blogs - especially this one where it's my personal blog and I can not post for as long as I like, darrrrrnit! There just haven't been any health/fitness/food/weight-loss related things to talk about. i.e. I gave up.

No, it seems wrong to say that. I was on a hiatus (much as I hate that word, it describes the situation pretty accurately and I can't be bothered looking up thesaurus.com right now!). For a long time I was pretty sad and frustrated: I want to do things differently, but nothing is changing. People say to me, you need to change, you can't just sit back and expect things to change around you, it needs to come from inside you. But I felt like I was empty, there was nothing inside. I got sadder and more frustrated. I felt very tired and run-down. Not a cold or anything in particular, just didn't feel like doing anything. In bed at night, trying to get to sleep, my heart would pound and I'd lie there for ages, trying to relax enough to sleep. Even a double dose of my herbal sleeping tablets didn't help. My exercise sessions dropped from 3 days a week, to 1, to none. I felt even more sad and frustrated that my goals were slipping away. I kept telling myself to do the things I needed to do, but it just didn't happen.

Then about a month ago, I was at the chemist getting a replacement bottle of the herbal sleeping tablets. Right next to them on the shelf was a bottle marked 'Mood'. May assist with stress, anxiety and sleeplessness. I bought it on impulse. It sat unopened on the coffee table for about a week, until Husband said, "have you started taking those yet? You really should start taking them". A mini wake-up call. I started taking them. I started feeling better. I felt happy again for the first time in weeks. I stopped obsessively thinking about the things that make me anxious. I no longer beat myself up mercilessly about the things I wasn't doing that I was supposed to be doing. It didn't feel like a struggle to leave the house and be in public. The twice-weekly visit to my barista was fun and chatty instead of awkward and painful. Nothing actually changed, I just felt better about everything. I feel like things could happen. Which is something I haven't felt for a while.
How strange that a couple of big pink pills can change what you're thinking and how you're feeling. I almost can't believe it can be true - was it just a coincidence? - but I guess it must be true.

Things stalled a bit when I got an actual cold last weekend, which resulted in my having to take 2 days off work last week. But! I didn't let it get me down. Normally I'd be all wah, wah, but I used the days off to actually rest and do some relaxing things like watch a movie, listen to my relaxation app and do a face mask treatment. And I hardly felt guilty about it at all. It was pretty nice, considering. I felt mostly better by Friday.

A lesson in why you should take your tablets!-
I was a bit slack with taking my tablets over the weekend, and I skipped my mood ones for a couple of days. Never do that again! I slept terribly last night, I was awake half the night with my heart pounding, and woke well before the alarm so hot and sweaty. I felt so wretched and frustrated, I was late for work, I feel so tired today that I could just about fall asleep at my desk. I haven't felt this way since, geez, before I started taking the tablets! Don't get me wrong, I don't think they're the perfect solution or anything, but they're helping me at the moment.

Anyway, that's probaby enough over-sharing for one day. Hopefully I'll have some reports about actual stuff soon. Meanwhile, here's a pretty picture of something nice:

Way Too Early, Saturday Morning

Idiotic brain woke me up at 6.30am this morning and made me lie there, bored, thinking about work. So I decided to get up and do something more constructive - like playing on the internet!

Obviously felt like taking action earlier in the week, because I went through those solutions that I brainstormed and condensed them down into 4 weekly actions/tasks/Recommendations, call them what you will. I wrote them up at work and then left them there, so I'm recreating them from memory here. They were:

1. walk at lunchtime (twice a week at first, then more as I build up energy)

2. exercise on the weekend (actually do it, not just tell myself I will and then bum around on the computer!)

3. organise healthy snacks to eat at work and when I get home

4. meditate regularly: guided meditation once a week, and self-done daily.

OK, so I haven't really made much of a plan as how I'm going to implement these recommendations; that's much harder! It's so easy to tell yourself to do something, much harder to fit it in and remember to do it every day with the bustle of real life getting in the way. I mean, geez, I don't even have time to do things I enjoy doing, let alone things I should be doing!

*sighs*

OK, that was my whinge-of-the-day.
Now what can I do?? Just do it? Set reminders for myself? Be more organised?
Been there, done that! (Or haven't done that, is what I really mean.)
So what is the difference? Between saying I'll do something, and then ruminating, procrastinating and agonising ; and just going ahead and doing it happily, as a natural part of life?

Motivation? That's fleeting. It disappears as quickly and mysteriously as it appeared. The first time you've had a flat-out day at work, you're stressed, you've got pizza shapes in the cupboard ... it's all over red-rover!
What's needed is a change of mind - to know that you're really worth it (to borrow a cheesy catchphrase!). To know that you deserve to be healthy and feel good. To have that solid centre that no stress or setback can affect.
Where can I get one of those??!

More thinking is in order, obviously.

A Whirlwind!

Hello!

What an interesting weekend I've had. Boy and I decided to have a quiet one and relax. We were channel-surfing on the TV and came across a documentary about an Australian guy who had a rare disease, had found a way to improve his condition, and was going around the U.S., trying to find others with the same disease and help them. I missed the start, so I didn't really know what it was all about. Turns out, it was Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead. I'd vaguely heard about it before, and hadn't thought very much about it. I figured it was probably some anti-body-diversity propaganda that would make me really angry. After all, the title is a bit provocative. I'm fat, yes, but I'm not sick and I'm certainly not nearly dead!

However, it was a very good thing that I got to watch it with no pre-conceptions. The doco was about one man, Phil, whom the Australian guy (Joe) met at a truck stop. He was, unfortunately, just like the title says. He was portrayed very sympathetically. Joe showed Phil what he had done to lose weight and help to improve his Urticaria (a skin disease that causes unbearable itchiness and blisters). The answer was, basically, a complete diet overhaul featuring freshly squeezed juices. Phil was, not just overweight, but sick too, and knew he was in trouble, so he asked for help. I really felt for him. I'm not as big as him, and not really sick, but I certainly related to when he talked about just not caring.
Phil took a holiday from his job as a truck driver, and went to stay in a small town by the lake. He went on a 're-boot' diet, eating/drinking nothing but fruit and vegetable juices for 30 days. He felt so fantastic that he decided to continue for another 30 days! He swam and walked every day - only a little at first, but it was so impressive to see him building slowly up. He went from struggling up 4 steps, to actually jogging! He looked absolutely fantastic afterwards. And of course was much healthier. It was so amazing and inspiring!

Well, obviously I can't take 2 months off work, and I'd go completely bananas-insane if I ate/drank nothing but juice for 2 months, but! The next day I went out and bought myself a juicer! I love it so much! Here's a picture of the model I got:



It's so sweet! It demolishes the fruit and vegges in a whirlwind of power! It sounds just like a woodchipper when you send something hard through it like a carrot or apple. Boy and I have had some great sessions throwing combinations of stuff in and seeing how it tastes. It's fun as well as healthy, and not only that, I got $40 off! Grandma would be proud.

Also! See the spout that comes out the left hand side? That's for all the fruit and vegge pulp. You can use the pulp in soups, stews, curries, etc. Boy and I love that sort of semi-frugal handiness.

Last night, we made fruit juice after dinner, with melon, apple, nectarines, a bit of carrot and ginger. It was delicious! Then after I drank it, I thought a little bit about having dessert. But then I didn't feel like it.

I didn't feel like eating dessert, people! Wow!

I'll just let that sink in for a second, because, that's big........

I was amazed. Normally, almost as soon as I've finished eating dinner, I'm starting to think about what to have for dessert, craving that sweet, sugary taste in my mouth. But not this time! I just had a cup of chai tea a bit later on. And, as I was getting ready for bed, I realised that I'd never had dessert. And it didn't worry me. Bizarre. (But in a good way!)

More updates as they happen.........

Happy New Year!

Coming to you from my iPod today, typing on tiny keypad is excruciating, so even more brief than normal.

Well, happy new year, everyone!

Wish I could say a lot has changed, but it's only been a few days.
Decided to measure blood pressure once a week. On Saturday was much lower than last time - just high instead of astronomical. Very relieved. Was taken under optimal condition this time, so more accurate.
Have still meditated every night in bed. Terrible at it. Need something to concentrate on. Found an app which has sessions of. Various lengths, yet to try.

Have made a list of 10 goals for 2012. Have a tendency to do such lofty things this time of year. Undecided whether to share or not. Last year's effort a total flop. But had a pretty tough year. Such is life.

Post would have been much shorter if not for predictive text. :)

Break Time!

I've had a little break from everything - from work, from my food diary ... and from blogging too, it seems! So, a big update today. Things went really well over Christmas. I'm really proud of myself. I didn't once eat so much that I felt sick. I made sure I ate salad/veges at every meal as well as unhealthy stuff. I didn't drink too much.

(Well, I guess that depends on your definition of 'too much'. Enough to make me feel sick? Or enough to make me say things I shouldn't have? ..... )

Up until Christmas, things were not going too well exercise-wise. I was just too busy. Though running around the shops may have done some good, as B noted the other day that I look smaller from the back. Nice! That made me feel confident enough to weigh myself this morning and sadly, the scales and tape measure tell a different tale. Every measurement is higher! I've put on 1.2kgs since I last weighed myself in early November. I didn't have my last set of measurements to hand this morning, but I think they've gone up, too. More's the pity. But on the bright side, I put on less than 2kgs over the Christmas period! Last year I put on over 5kgs, and it took me all year to get them off again, so it's a win, really. Plus I don't feel terrible about myself like I did last year, either.

Not To Mention ...

Just before Christmas, Boy decided that we should have a blood pressure machine. Last time I went to the Doctor, my blood pressure was astronomical, though I'd been exercising right before I went to see him, so it could have been slightly skewed. (More than slightly!) I'd been a bit worried ever since, but not too much because of the skewed results. So then we bought the blood pressure monitor, which is made by a very reputable company that make ones for real-and-proper doctors as well. We took it home and measured ourselves straight away. Cos we love our new toys!
Well, it's still astronomical. Ahem.

So I have decided to Take Steps. Namely - 1) start putting an effort into exercising again (but building up slowly so I don't bust a vein); and 2) really making an effort to decrease my stress levels by meditating regularly.
And I have meditated every day since then. I find it really daunting, I just always get this idea in my head that I'm bad at it. So I've started with 1 minute per day. I don't time myself. In fact I do it in bed right before I go to sleep. And I find it helps me get off to sleep better. Some extremely stressful things have happened in the last few days, and I think it's helped me cope a bit better, in conjunction with the exercise. Now is time for me! I deserve it!
I'm also working on a list of goals for 2012, but I'll talk about that next time.

In Related News ...

Boy gave me what I wished for, for Christmas - the Zumba for Kinect game!



I've played it once so far and really enjoyed it. I can see myself playing it regularly - hopefully! I love dancing, and that's what this game is all about! I can't review it yet - 25 minutes of playing the most basic tutorials doesn't really give it justice - but we'll see.
Boy and I have been watching a lot of music videos lately to fill in time (while doing knitting or something like that, in my case) and I've been getting an urge to jump up and try to copy the dance moves! But I feel a bit daft and silly doing that, so I haven't ... yet!

Beauty Blather

Not much to say right now - could my obsession be waning? I'm really trying to save money at the moment, so I'm trying to cut back on the impulse purchases. I got an email just before Christmas from the Lust Have It mob, saying there will be no beauty box for January (and no charge). I was so disappointed I almost signed up with 'I Love This Box' (even lamer name!) as I heard some good reviews. But I've resisted so far! I'm not saying I'll resist much longer!
Writing up my beauty products inventory (see links in sidebar) has had another consequence that I didn't intend - it's made me realise how many things I have that are reaaaaalllly old. So I determined that I would throw away 5 items - and yesterday I did it! I sometimes have a tendency to hoarding, so this was in the Good Thing category.

And Finally ...

I'm absolutely obsessed with my new iPod Touch and all the apps I can get for it. In the last few days, I got a To-Do List, and one that I can use to track my exercise, weight and blood pressure (not actually measure them, just record them! ehehhe) and pretty much anything else I can customise into it. But I think my favourite one is LaoTzuLite, with wise quotes. I like to bring up a random quote every morning. Here's today's:

Health is the greatest possession.
Contentment is the greatest treasure.
Confidence is the greatest friend.
Non-being is the greatest joy.

Wierdy Wednesday

Been doing it again! Deluding myself!
I know myself so well, so how do I think I can get away with it?

On Monday, I didn't feel like going for my lunchtime walk. All morning, my brain was zinging away with reasons excuses not to go. The clothes I'm wearing are too nice, I'm wearing my nice top and I don't want to get sweaty, the sun's out and I don't want to have to put on sunscreen, the sun might fade my hair dye, I don't want anyone to see me. I can't help but snigger now thinking of those lame excuses! I said to myself, I'll walk after I finish work. or when I get home. (I didn't! I was too tired by then.) Deep down inside, I knew I wouldn't exercise later, but I talked myself out of exercising earlier anyway. Then I went around all beatin' myself up about it. Of course, as I do.

But I know myself, I know what works for me and what doesn't. Yesterday was a little different. I wanted to go for a walk after work, on the way home. But I had to go and check something out in a shop near my house before it shut. So I couldn't go for my walk before I got on the tram. I was feeling pretty tired, and I knew that, once I'd gotten in the door at home, I'd flake. So I had to think of something else. The shop was only about 2 blocks from my house, but I could walk 'the long way home'. Before I even got into the shop, I put on my ipod with my exercise playlist playing, because I know that always motivates me. Once I got out, I was still feeling pretty tired and stiff, but I knew that if I just did a little bit, things might get better. And they did. I ended up walking for about 25 minutes. When I got home, I felt justified in being able to relax. I was hungry, but it wasn't a craving, it was genuine hunger, so I ate something reasonable.
Today I feel good about myself instead of feeling lousy. And it all came from just being honest with myself.
So I guess the upshot of this is - I'm feeling quite all right! Yay!

Beauty Blather ...

As I mentioned last week, being the OCD, listy person I am, I decided to go through all my skin care, bath and beauty products and draw up an inventory. Well, it took me days! But I finally finished it last night. I had to divide it into 2 categories, it became that unwieldy. Links:
Skin & Hair Care, Bath Products
Makeup & Perfume
A note on the symbols I used. Items in Italics are ones still in the cupboard, that I haven't started using yet. Items with a '!' are ones that are running low. Items with '!>' mean I have a replacement for it already. Items with '!x' mean I'm not planning to replace it.

I also made a couple of other lists:
Bath & Beauty Products Used Up (includes ones thrown away)
A '>' after an items means I would get it again. A 'x' after an item means I wouldn't get it again.

And of course, the inevitable:
Bath & Beauty Products Wishlist
A '$' after an item means it's pretty expensive and it's really just a pipe dream.

I think my inventory will save me money as, instead of just buying new products when one runs out, I can check and see if I already have one in the cupboard without having to rummage through random stuff. I can also keep track of products I wasn't happy with, so I know to avoid buying them again.
Also - one of the odd, quirky things I get a sense of satisfaction from is using something up and throwing the container away. I'll cut the container open if I have to, to eke out the last drop of lotion or paint, and that makes me feel even better when I throw it away and get to buy a new one. My inventory will make it even more fun.

It's Friday!

Had a few hiccups earlier in the week, but today I'm determined to give myself the treatment I deserve! I'm proud of myself because I've been drinking much more water this week - at least 1 litre every day. Haven't noticed much effect yet, aside from feeling bloated a lot of the time. Also, having to visit the ladies' room much more often during the day, and also about 1/2 hour before I'm due to get up in the morning. Very frustrating! I made sure to drink all the water during the day and not at night so I wouldn't have that problem, but I'm having it anyway.

This week I've eaten the same thing every day. I don't actually mind that. It helps with planning, and it takes me 4-5 days to get sick of eating the same thing, which fits in well with the working week. This week my food diary has been:
before work - half an Up & Go squeeze box.
breakfast - multigrain oat porridge with fruit. two coffees.
morning tea - dip with celery sticks.
lunch - noodle salad.
afternoon tea - milo, trail mix.
dinner - various things, pasta with salami and veges a few times.
dessert - banana with custard. tea if the weather's not too hot.
I usually get cravings for chocolate after lunch, (the more stressed I am, the stronger they are) but the last few months I've gotten into the habit of having the milo instead. I gradually added less milk until now I have it with water only.
Now I only have my after-work cravings to deal with! Might leave a discussion of that to another time.

Meanwhile ...

I've always been a lover of bath and beauty products, and I've developed a sudden interest (obsession?) with BB creams. They've been big in Asia for a while, and I've recently discovered that one can get them online! (Cue dastardly cackles.) Now I just have to decide which one I'll get first. I could go on and on about them and the process of choosing one, but this blog is boring enough already. If I was going to write a beauty product blog, I reckon I would have to get used to my photo being taken!

In Related News ...

I'm going to a big wedding tomorrow and I need to prepare! Tonight I have to dye my hair; and tomorrow paint my nails, finish altering my outfit. Decide what makeup to wear. A few months ago I bought cheap makeup as a 'treat' for myself and I won't be doing that again. It's crap! If I'm gonna get myself a treat, then I'm going to get something decent because I'm worth it! Back to beauty products again. I've got a one-track mind at the moment...........

Not More Whingeing

After all the silliness of the other day, I was given a good talking to, and I realised I was wrong. (Thank you, B! You're amazing!)

No, I was right about one thing - don't give up.
Yet still, the whingeing and pouting continues. I catch myself having negative thoughts every hour, every minute. I'm sure I'm doing it without even realising it. I don't know what's wrong with me lately. I thought I was developing techniques to deal with this. I thought I was making progress. But it seems like I'm sliding backwards further and further every day, until I feel like I'm freakin' 15 years old again!!
Not to mention putting on weight instead of losing it. Not to mention feeling less fit and healthy as the weeks go by. (My ankle hurts, my back hurts, I'm thirsty, I feel stiff and sore.) My goals seem further and further away every day.
It's annoying and it has to stop! Something has to change!
The fact is: I have to change. It's harder than it sounds.
I'm up to the point now where I know what I have to do. Ok, that's Step 1 taken care of. But I've been at this point for a couple of years now. Why haven't I taken the next step yet? I suspect I know the answer to that question - I'm just not willing to admit it to myself. Or maybe just avoiding thinking about the implications of it.
There I go, being all vague and avoidy again! It must get so boring.

So anyway, being a girl of action, I feel like I need to take action. (And not those silly, deprivational ones like in the last post, that just make me feel worse in the end.) A little while back, I was reading a post by Sister Diane of Crafty Pod on cutting back on the number of blogs you read. (Ironic that it's sort of an anti-advertisement of itself, but I think she makes a good point.) There are links to some other very insightful pieces on the topic. There's been a lot on the intertubes in the last couple of years about spending less time on the internet and on social media, about stepping back and having some 'real life' time. I've cut back on my facebook time, but I still spend many hours a week poring over blogs and pictures and such things. (Worried that I'll miss out on something, having to visit all of them and not neglect any! All the while thinking, I wish my craft looked like that, I wish my house looked like that, I wish I looked like that!) I'm sure it's unhealthy. I need a strong dose of real life!

I want to have one internet-free day a week. I've done it before, and found it quite satisfying. Then I might increase it to two if it's going well. Whether I'll spend that time doing craft, going for a walk, practising piano or reading, I don't know yet. But it's a start. I feel optimistic for the first time in months. There are possibilities!

Struggling

Things have been a bit nutty lately. I've been a bit nutty lately, more specifically. I'm not really sure why. The most stressful thing I had in my life has gone. Sure, I've still got a lot to do/organise in the next month or two. Rationally I know I can handle it. Yet my anxiety is zinging away like crazy. Night terrors, everything. Perhaps it's because I'm sick? My mental and emotional defences are down as well as my physical ones? I hope that's all it is. I hope it goes away soon. I find it a struggle to go out in public. I don't want people to see me. I feel self-conscious and ashamed. I feel like I felt years ago. Have I really taken so many steps back, so quickly? The techniques that I've started to develop for increasing my confidence and positivity have fallen by the wayside, and I dread having to go out in public to do even the quickest chore.
Lately I've been focussed on a particular area of my body. I think that I hate it. It's too big, it sticks out too much, it jiggles too much. At this moment it's the symbol of my shame. My thoughts have been pre-occupied with how I can make it look smaller. I can't wait until I've lost weight - that'll take months, years. I need to fix it now.
What I really need is to get over this! I need to breathe.* Go inside. Remember that there's so much more to life than appearances. Really take that on board.
Take a huge, deep breath and let my stomach expand.

---

* I hate to use such clichéd New Age language, but there's a part of my psyche that responds to it. I'm a big hippie at heart, really.

Better!

I'm feeling much better about everything today. Last night I had to do a small chore in the city, then I decided to walk part of the way home from there. Which I later calculated to be 3.5kms! Yay for me! Then when I got home, I cleaned out the microwave and the fridge and freezer! (Outside only of the last two, though. )
Having also worked pretty hard at work yesterday too, I felt pretty good about everything. Yeah, the stressful stuff is still stressful, but it's easier to put it to the back of my mind. It's easier to remember the things I've been trying to put in place as well, like staying in the moment, replacing negative thoughts with positive ones, and meditating. Somehow, I forget all of that when I'm in the midst of the anxiety. It's like a vicious circle. But it is possible to break free!

Stressful

The last couple of days have been pretty stressful. Haven't felt like writing in my blog, or doing anything much at all. I guess there are a few little and not so little issues at the moment, and I'm letting them get to me. Special Lady Time is not feeling so special this month, and that doesn't help at all! So when a little thing happens - I'm walking down the street and someone looks at me the wrong way - I have to fight back tears, and I suddenly want to eat a whole packet of something, just anything!! more badly than anything in my life ... Negative Nancy kicks in and starts saying things like:

"that'll teach you to think you can just go out in public and walk down the street like anyone else! You wanna have the guts to look people in the face? You think other people won't find you disgusting and horrible? That'll teach you!"

I wasn't sure I was going to write about this, yet here we are. Cathartic. Not a cause for regret. I hope. Things have been a bit better since yesterday though, or at least I'm determined to be happier and less stressed about everything. To further this, I decided to start a new thing - I bought a little notebook, and I'm going to keep a happiness diary. It's a concept that I'd heard of ages ago. Every night before bed (well, most nights anyway), I'll jot down 3 things that made me happy that day. I'm not normally into these schmaltzy things, but sometimes they can actually work. Also been continuing to meditate for 60 seconds (approximately; whenever I remember to) in bed at night before I fall asleep. Currently I'm wondering how different this state of mind is to when I'm actually trying to go to sleep! And whether it's actually having an effect. But I feel this is a thing I have to take with baby steps, and I'll work up to longer periods over time.

In Other News ...

These are the pants I ordered; they arrived yesterday:


Source: asos.com via ApartmentCat on Pinterest.

Many, including myself, may be thinking, "what was she thinking??!" I just got them on a whim, more out of curiosity as to how Asos clothes are sized than anything else. Seeing as you can only buy them online. The fabric is a bit different to how I thought it would be - a stretchy knit instead of a silky drape. They're more like pyjama pants, really. It might be hard breaking free of that feeling in order to actually wear them in public! I'd probably wear them with a long, loose top in a bright colour - if I had one! bwahahaha! Actually, I ordered a top from another website that might be suitable, only it hasn't arrived yet. And I may well have others in the deep, dark recesses of my wardrobe, you never know.

Saturday Night *sings*

Went to a birthday party last night and I had a great time! Thought of 2 outfits to wear and laid them out on the bed to choose. The theme was circus and/or casual. It was a lot of fun thinking of outfits and putting them together. Having enough clothes that I actually like to put together 2 outfits was a new and different thing for me! I noted down everything I wore so I'll definitely have to do a What I Wore drawing when I get time. It was a pretty casual outfit really, just with a few quirks, but when I put it on, I felt kinda bold. It had horizontal stripes! And tight pants! And the top wasn't long enough to cover the bottom part of the sticky-outy bit of my stomach!
Gasp!
Looked at it in the mirror and thought, 'screw it'! And I went, and I danced, and I had a good time. I was (by far) the biggest girl on the dance floor, but whenever I was tempted to feel self-conscious, I thought, 'I want them all to know that I like my body!'

The food was fantastic too, and I didn't spend any time stressing out about whether I'd eaten too much, if I could eat some more, if anyone saw me eating, if it was healthy enough, blah blah blah. (It was all healthy, as well as delicious, so there was no need to stress out anyway.)

Read an article recently (I can't remember where, it might have been a podcast, actually) about self-criticism, negative self-talk, whatever you want to call it. That state of mind where there's negative stuff just cycling through your brain and it won't shut up and makes you feel terrible. It was referred to as Barking Dog Mind. I like that description. Well, last night, Barking Dog Mind was left at home in its kennel!

Sunday Things

Yesterday I decided to have a Computer-Free Day. I spent time tidying the house, doing other housework, and later on, doing some art and craft. I worked on a 'What I Wore' drawing which I'd started a while back. That's always a Good Sign, because I normally only work on those when I'm feeling good about myself.

So, how is the Body Love Action Plan going?
(I work for the Government, so naturally I make everything into acronyms - the BLAP. ahahaha!)

I've made a list of things I can do between now and November to increase my self-esteem. One thing I decided was - whenever I have a negative thought about myself, to instantly try to turn it into something positive. I chose something that makes me happy whenever I think about it. Instantly, the image of a rainbow came into my mind. So that's the image I'm going with! I started it on Friday and it was quite interesting. I tells ya, I was thinking about rainbows most of the day yesterday! Especially when I went out to do some shopping. ...

'I couldn't wear that, I'd look like ... RAINBOW!'
'I wish I looked more like ... RAINBOW!'
'Wow, her ___ is so much better than mine ... RAINBOW!'
'I wish I hadn't ... RAINBOW!'
'I should have ... RAINBOW!'
'I'll never ... RAINBOW!'

For a while there, I felt like an obsessive Rainbow enthusiast or something! But you know what - it worked! Every time I thought about a rainbow, it made me smile. I stopped thinking about the negative things, and I felt happier. Over the course of the day, the negative thoughts lessened. The anxiety faded into the background. I made jokes with Boy, I laughed more, I felt good. I painted. It's a Good Sign when I notice that my natural facial expression is a little smile.