Doing Things (?)

Currently I'm between jobs, unemployed, underemployed. I even said to someone yesterday that "my job situation is complicated". I guess it is. I currently have 4 leads and am waiting for a call back. No calls last week, but the sense of finiteness regarding spare time has been in the back of my mind. I wouldn't say that I 'wasted' last week -- I spent my time doing some things that I wanted to do (gardening, watching youtube) and not doing other things that I wanted to do (art, craft, writing). I guess I didn't feel like doing things things so much, so I didn't. But late last week I was thinking about making a list of things I'd like to have done, or at least done some work on, before going back to working 5.5 days a week.

Things that included: tidying up in the garden, finishing a craft project, having several blog posts lined up, exploring some different themes in my art. I guess I wanted my remaining time to be a bit more structured. Like writing a list of things to do each morning isn't structured enough? It would be good to actually do most of those things, instead of leaving half of them for the next day (and the next!).

I didn't think about it too much more until this morning when I was reading some stuff online and randomly happened to come across this blog post Minimalism: Time. I read a few other posts from the blog as well. The writer seems to be very young, and yet very focussed and has a lot of tools for making her life the way she wants it. I'm not sure I'd have every hour of every day day of every week planned out like in her example calendar (though I was tempted to draw up one of my own for about 3 seconds!). It did remind me however, of how much time I waste. It's almost as if the more time you have, the less you value it.

The last few months, I've been playing a lot more ipad games. Some of them get you sucked in by having timed quests, so that you need to return at regular intervals to start the next stage of the quest or else you miss out on the rewards. They can be very compelling. I've even caught myself thinking: "I have to make sure I get that Thing! It's important!" I go to bed thinking that I'm going to prioritise checking the game in the morning. Obviously, I find it fun and relaxing, and I can do whatever I want with my time, but at the same time I think there are more fulfilling things I could be doing!

There are about a billion books, blogs and articles on productivity and Getting Shit Done out there, and I've read quite a few of them. I guess this one struck me because I've been thinking about how I spend my time lately. I was also affected by the description of time as sacred -- if you waste it, you can never get it back. It also talked about alive time vs. dead time, which I'm not quite so into (perhaps if they changed the terminology?) but I do understand. It's all about productivity. Or always focussing on what you really want. Or something.

As an antidote to all this, this morning I also read Bjorn Bull-Hansen's latest blog post: The Automation Revolution. Actually, in some ways it's on the same theme -- that of spending your time doing things you want to do, and that make you happy.

So, I decided to re-visit the exercise I first did about 5 years ago, from whats-her-name of the 168 Hours book. (Sorry, too busy writing to look it up right now!) I'm going to keep a record of how I spend my time for 1 week, then analyse it and see where I can make changes. I can already think of a couple of things off the top of my head! Like changing my facebook settings so news articles aren't the first thing I see. I log on there to see what my friends are doing, not to get swept up in reading articles on the latest meme or why you should eat rice for breakfast or what horrible people did next!

Of course, observing something changes it, and if I'm already thinking of changes, then I might not want to wait a whole week to implement them and yadda yadda. But I will just continue on for today and see where it goes. Although, I have to say, spending 20 minutes unable to type because the cat was sitting on my chest was not really in my plans today...

More on 2017

In the New Year, I wrote a list of goals on my main blog (or is it my craft blog, or my hobbies blog, or my blog I don't mind the general public seeing as much? Ahdunno!). I created 9 goals, as 9 is an important number for me. Here they are in short form, to save you from having to click over:

1. Spend more time outside.
2. Share more on the blog.
3. Finish KonMari'ing my house.
4. Plan a regular yoga practice.
5. Continue my rune studies and other spiritual pursuits.
6. Spend more time doing crafts.
7. See if my sewing machine still works; if not, buy a new one.
8. Explore fashion more and take more photos of myself.
9. Play with my dolls more, and make/design things for them.

Even as I was formulating them, I realised they were mostly to do with things I write about on my hobby blog, so I decided to use my Life Square that I created last new year to come up with a more balanced set of goals .... eugh *shivers* goals gwishes (as Havi from The Fluent Self calls them!). I made up a 9x3 grid (because, I dunno, that was just working for me at the time) and slotted the gwishes into it. Then I added in more to fill out the grid:



The 9 gwishes from my hobby blog are highlighted in green. I called it a matrix because that just sounded cool. A few of the gwishes are fairly simple and/or things I'll probably do in the next month, it's true, but I wanted to give myself a couple of easy ones. Self love, baby, self love!

Looking over it again, I also realised that nearly all of the gwishes will further ones on my 101 Things in 1,001 Days list, which is great!

Then I made an attempt to write a list of actions underneath each gwish, but my brain went Ugh!!, and it didn't happen. But I'm back again today, inspired (as I was this time last year) by the organisational prowess of Marietta of Witchy Words, as well as this article I read this morning: Why You Should Be Planning for 2018, Not 2017. Medium has about a billion articles on motivation and suchlike, especially at this time of year, but for some reason that one stuck with me. Well, it has for the last 6 hours anyway.

With both of those influences percolating away in the back of my mind, I determined to have another go at writing a list of actions that will get me closer to my gwishes in 2017. I will use all the lessons I've learned in goal-setting and SMART Thingies and blah blah to craft it. (Can I count it as working on my crafts?)

[fast forward to tomorrow]



I copied out the 9x3=18 gwishes into a new page, and made space for up to 3 actions underneath each one. I greyed out any that I don't want to start working on straight away. I took it easy, working on one gwish at a time, breaking down things into as small actions as possible, trying to make them into Complete Willingness Units (CWU) as Barbara Sher calls them. (Many people have thought of alternatives names for that concept, and I might too one day.) Actually, I'm not too sure I did so well at this part -- most of them can be broken down into smaller tasks, but at least it's a start.

The idea now is to add the matrix to my weekly routine -- the bit where I check my master list to see what I want/need to do for the upcoming week. Theoretically, that should keep things chugging along until I achieve all my goals gwishes! Part of me is tempted to pooh-pooh it all and say I can't/won't do all that. Another part of me is tempted to add more and more until it's completely impossible to achieve. Part of me is thinking, "what if I do other stuff that isn't on the list, then that stuff won't really count!" (I have no idea what purpose it serves to think things like that.) But the article I read says you really have to believe you can do things if you want to achieve them, so I'm really going to try.

Art, Anxiety and Indecision ... and Lists, Apparently

Isn't it funny how, one day, you're excited and motivated and want to do ALL the (creative) things RIGHT NOW! And then the next day, you feel like you're wallowing in mud, it's not worth doing anything and your art is rubbish?

Last week, I felt so sure that I had to create art. I felt it burning inside of me. I wrote about it on my craft blog. I needed to do something to make the world a better place, and I just knew that making art -- art that would make people happy -- was what I needed to do. I held on to this all through the week. Even when I was feeling tired and couldn't do anything creative, I thought, I'm just taking care of myself right now, and that's fine. I'll keep working on it soon. One day on the way to work, I was so excited to start writing that I was almost literally jiggling in my seat!

This week is different, though. My doubts have returned. I'm scared to paint in case I ruin the canvases. I'm at a loss as to what to write about. It seems pointless to finish my zine. Having anything done in time for the exhibition in January seems absolutely impossible and terrifying. The monsters are loud and it's hard to placate them.

I ask myself - why is this? Have I fallen back into "old ways"? Is it just because I'm tired this week and still sick? (And sick of being sick!) Work has been escalating pretty quickly lately, too. I'm working an extra day this week -- I agreed to it months ago to cover my colleague who's on leave at the moment. My workload has suddenly increased and there's more on the way. I've found myself involved in some workplace politics which was something I thought I'd be able to avoid as a temp. I could write a whole post about work, but I'm not sure it would help.

The problem is, I'm not sure what would help. Well, I know some things: more sleep, more walking and other movement. But what else? I'm in one of those moods where I want to change things, do something different. But what? Those people who are into Bullet Journalling are amazing. They spend hours making and decorating beautiful journals, works of art just as much as to-do lists. But then they actually do everything on the lists! Amazing! I feel inadequate and envious, until I remember that I have a chronic illness and they probably don't. (Yes, I know, I'm making an assumption there. I'm just writing out my thought process.)

I make lists and then I don't do most of the things on them. I've been doing it for years. It's almost like a ritual at this stage. No, not almost, it is a ritual, every week. Every season. It used to be every year as well, but I stopped that.

It must work for me though, because what needs to be done gets done. Having everything I need to do written down, whether I do it or not, is also very comforting. I need to keep doing that. Bullet Journalling is not for me, I know that. I already have a system that works for me, in its own way. And my Hobonichi is the place for the pretty things and the daily event diary. I prefer to keep them separate. Plus -- in bullet journalling, you don't cross things off, you just put a little 'x' next to them! Crossing things off is too satisfying, I can't not do that!

(I don't know how I got from doubts about my art to to-do lists!)

Whenever I want to start something new, I hesitate because I think I'll fail. Or it will all happen too slowly because I'm just so tired and I'll work on it tomorrow or on the weekend and then that turns into months later and I'm still sleep-deprived and dissatisfied with my life. But things are different now to how they used to be. I'm different.

What I want to remember is that I have changed. I am changing, all the time. I can start writing and not have it end up as just a big whinge. I can start something and realise it isn't working for me and change it or stop doing it, without beating myself up. Something can take a long time to get done, but that's OK because I can only do the best I can with the time and energy I have.

I need to re-remind myself --
* My perception of myself in my mind is that I work part-time. I actually work 4.5 and sometimes 5 days a week. (This week it's 5.5 days.) That's actually close enough to full-time to be full-time! Give myself the credit!
* I have a chronic illness. I'm not just lazy or tired because I don't exercise enough. It's actually the other way round most of the time.
* I do pretty well considering my anxiety. Every day, I confront things that trigger my anxiety. I'm very brave!
* The world is a pretty tough place at the moment. I'm still not sure yet, but it's possible that my HSP and some other factors mean that I plug into the mood of people around me and the wider world in general. I need to take that into account.
* My art is awesome! It makes people happy!

My Hogwarts House

Yesterday, I finally created an account at Pottermore and found out my official Hogwarts House! I don't know why it took me so long to get around to it. I first started reading the books after the third one came out, so that makes it 1999. At the time, I was instantly drawn to Ravenclaw -- it fit my personality perfectly.

When the online quizzes and tests appeared, I did a couple and the result was always Ravenclaw, too. I was a dyed-in-the-wool Ravenclaw! Or was I? When chatting with Husband and some friends earlier this year, they said I struck them as being more of a Hufflepuff. Were the tests wrong, or perhaps I've changed?

About a month ago, I came across a sorting system based on personality psychology. It's quite complicated, and there's no quiz -- you have to read through the desciptions and decide which one fits you best. The site is here and I would recommend it as an interesting exercise if you're interested in psychology. The system is two-tiered. Your Primary sort is based on your value system: why you do the things you do. Your Secondary sort is your methods: how you achieve the things you want to do. It also explains the concepts of Modelling and Performing.

Choosing my House for the Secondary sort was easy: it was Ravenclaw far and away above the others. I had a very hard time choosing a House for the Primary sort, however. In the end, I tentatively chose Hufflepuff first, with Ravenclaw a close second.

While this exercise and learning more about the psychology-based sorting system was very interesting, it left me even more confused than before. Can you be a RavenclawxHufflepuff? That's why I decided to join Pottermore, do the sorting quiz there and get the 'official' truth. Which is: I'm a proud Hufflepuff!



It wasn't much of a surprise actually, when I think back on the last 15 years. I've changed in many ways. Learning and knowledge are still very important to me, but so is community and supporting others. (The rise of the internet is probably partly the reason for that.) In the last 3 years especially, since buying our house, gardening and plants have become a new and passionate hobby for me. That, more than anything else, is probably the reason my friends now think of me as a Hufflepuff!

I am very happy to be a Hufflepuff, as I think it suits my personality the way it is now. And who knows, perhaps I would have been the student to build bridges between the Houses and show that Hufflepuffs aren't "duffers" after all! There's only one drawback to being a Hufflepuff. The House colours -- yellow and black -- are the same as a football team here in Melbourne. None of the other House's colours suffer from that problem. I suppose that if I ever want to deck myself out in Hufflepuff regalia, I will have to make sure the crest with the badger is clearly visible. I don't mind though, because the badger is the most adorable and foresty of all the animals!

I actually think that if I lived in the Harry Potter universe, I would have been a Ravenclaw. If I'd been admitted to Hogwarts at the age of 11, where would the Sorting Hat have put me? I was such a strong Ravenclaw back then. If the hat had given me a choice between Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff, I would certainly have chosen Ravenclaw. Now, I would choose Hufflepuff. And J. K. Rowling agrees.


TL;DR I'm a Hufflepuff!

Thinking

Yesterday someone at work found out that it was my birthday and in the afternoon my workmates rushed out and bought me some flowers and chocolates! How absolutely lovely! I was so embarrassed and so pleased. Having only been there 3 months, it really made me feel like I'm appreciated and I'm starting to fit in. Then last night Husband made me a delicious meal, and I got lots of messages wishing me a happy birthday. Even though I didn't do anything above and beyond the ordinary, it was really lovely. I spent most of the evening just relaxing, and did a little bit of craft. Nice.

Today I'm really tired. But I know why - I haven't had my juice! Since we got the juicer, Husband and I have been having a glass in the mornings before work. We've been adding a little protein powder, aloe vera juice and olive leaf extract. Protein gives you energy, aloe vera soothes my colitis, and I can't remember what the olive leaf is for right now! All I know is, on mornings when we don't drink the juice for whatever reason, I'm dead tired all day. When I do drink it, I feel pretty normal. So yeah, go the juice!

I also weighed myself this morning - bad idea! Guess Easter's caught up with me. I don't wanna talk about it! Time to examine my habits again and make an effort to change them. To wit -
1. often very busy at work in the afternoons, not paying attention to whether I'm hungry, therefore I'm usually starving before I'm even halfway home and I'm raiding the cupboards as soon as I get home;
2. usually exhausted after work, with no energy for exercising;
3. not paying enough attention to what I'm eating and what's in it, especially at home and on the weekends;
4. not exercising on the weekend, the exact time when I have plenty of time and scads of energy; why am I not taking advantage of this?? answer: because other activities are more compelling (i.e. I'm lazy!);
5. staying up later than I should because I'm not sleepy at the right time, and/or taking (herbal) sleeping tablets to help me sleep;
6. letting negative thoughts take over my life and affect my behaviour/enjoyment of life;
7. a few other personal things which I'm too embarrassed to reveal here.

Interestingly, I'm more than willing to list what I don't like about my current routine, but now that it's time to figure out how to change it, I'm stalling. Ah well, that's always the way, isn't it? It's not because I can't think of what to do. It's because I don't really believe I'll go ahead and do it. I can't count the number of times I've made resolutions, drawn up goals, created timetables and schedules and lists of rules. And I've never stuck to any of them! Not for more than a few days/weeks, anyway.

However, I'm determined, so I'm going to force myself to come up with at least one solution for each of the above problems. Think of it like a brainstorming exercise.
1. get a supply of muesli bars or something and, earlier in the day, put one in a visible place as a reminder; get a selection of convenient healthy snacks that I can grab and eat at home, healthier versions of what I normally crave.
2. go for walks at lunchtime. sure, the exercise isn't as vigorous or lengthy as it could be, but at least it's a start.
3. prepare ahead of time for meals on the weekend, just like I prepare for the working week. Go to the supermarket a second time on Thursday or Friday so we don't run out of fresh food by the weekend. I have more time to cook on the weekend, so make it fun by trying out a new recipe or ingredient.
4. this is a hard one! perhaps concentrate on more interesting exercises rather than just walking (hello kinect!) Turn it into something fun like a shopping trip or take my camera if going for a walk. Give myself a treat (though it's hard for me to think of treats other than food). Make a rule that I can't go on the computer until I've exercised. (Actually that works better than you might think for me, because if I've already exercised then I don't have to feel guilty. Maybe a little emotionally unhealthy, but if it works, right? hmmm)
5. re-training myself to go to bed earlier through persistence. Setting the DVR to record interesting shows so I'm not tempted to stay up later. Using meditation techniques so I'm more relaxed around bedtime.
6. being more mindful of my thoughts and countering/questioning them. Reminding myself when I'm in a sad mood that it's OK and it will pass. Using meditation to help with anxiety.
7. hopefully some of the things in point 6 and other positive changes will help with these things. (I know I'm being vague, but I don't care!)

Tonight I'll have another look at this and see if I can condense it down into 2 or 3 of the most helpful and do-able changes.

Start as you mean to .... Something ....

So, one week into 2012, and where are we? Sitting at the computer writing this post!

I just took my blood pressure and it's a little higher than last week. Things are coming along slowly. I had a big surprise earlier in the week. A big change may be coming happening to me very soon. I don't want to say what it is, in case it doesn't happen. It is, however, causing me a lot of pondering and a bit of stress. If this change happens, it will involve many good things. But I'll also lose some things which are very important to me. So I'm in two minds about it, and I can't help wondering if I really welcome it or not.
Anyway, if it happens, I'll tell everyone immediately! If it doesn't happen, then forget you ever read the above paragraph!

In Related News ....

My mind is elsewhere at the moment. I've been thinking so much about what I want from the whole of 2012, I've been a little neglectful of what I'm doing day-by-day. Add to that the uncertainties I'm having at the moment, and I'm all over the shop. My food and health tracker shows all sorts of crazy stuff.
I felt a bit sick yesterday morning, so I had a cup of green tea about mid-morning. This sparked off an unexpected and intense craving for Japanese food! So Boy and I went to the Japanese supermarket after work (they're open til 8pm on Fridays, bless 'em!). We had shabu shabu for dinner. I love it! The thinly sliced lean meat, vegetable, soup and just a little rice or noodles is healthy, fun to cook and so yummy! Here's a picture, not of our meal, but one I borrowed from the intertubes to illustrate:



(Though the water has flavourings in it normally, so it looks more soupy.)

Now I'm off to finish dyeing my hair and choose an outfit for the birthday party I'm going to tonight!
xx

BLAP!

Yesterday I was reading back through some of my old posts and re-discovered the BLAP (Body Love Action Plan). I laughed, but I also remembered how it was helping me. But most of these things seem to slip away before they become a habit. I want that to change. I want change!

Whoa, what's come over me?

Perhaps it's just that time of year. I haven't consciously thought about the changeover from 2011 to 2012, but I usually make some kind of commitment to change. Perhaps deep down inside somewhere, my unconscious has realised what time of year it is, and is getting into the usual mindset. Or perhaps it's the travel. Whenever I come back from travelling, I always seem to have developed a different perspective on things. I'm surprised, but I do seem to. I was only away for 10 days, and I 'only' went to a country with very similar culture and same language. But it seems that was enough to get me away from my own life - from the everyday - and to jolt me into thinking differently about things. Seeing what other places are like, how other people live ... it just makes me think.
Anyway, enough airy-fairy stuff.

On The Other Hand ...

What a week! Only a few days til Christmas and I've bought hardly any presents, so much to do! I'm even more exhausted than normal, just the thought of exercise makes me want to cry. Even if I had any time for it. And I'm so focussed on all the things I have to do and worried that I might forget something (even though I write to-do lists) that I haven't thought about what I'm eating very much.

Enough whingeing, more doing stuff! A quick look at my food and exercise diary for last week was enough to send me into a tailspin. I scored an average of 50%. Terrible! So how can I improve this week? What's under my control that I can change?
1. be more mindful of what I'm eating, especially at night.
2. keep drinking plenty of water.
3. don't stress out!
That's about as much as I can handle at the moment without freaking out. So we'll see how I go!

Later That Night

I've had a few drinks now, so naturally what I'd like to do (aside from making impulse purchases online) is to expand on my list of goals things I'd like to improve on. That's always fun on a Friday night.

* exercise more. set goals to work towards.
I feel like I've been trying to do this already for years! Like every time I take one step forward, I immediately take two (or more!) steps back, due to being sick, spraining my ankle, being crazy-busy all of a sudden, etc. etc. Then other times, admittedly, I don't do adequate exercise because, well, playing on the internet and reading just seem like much more fun. It's so much effort. But, as I acknowledged in discussion yesterday, the first step is the hardest. The more I do, the easier it'll get. (And the more I'll be able to do for the same amount of effort - which is the point after all!) I just need to take the first step. Of course, rationally, I'm fully aware of the benefits of exercise and want them. But in the meantime, somehow I need to find the belief in myself somewhere that going for a walk is more fun/entertaining/all-around-good than reading my favourite blogs. Right now, I'm not convinced. I'll have to think on it some more.

* tackle cravings when I get home from work. eat a healthier/smaller snack.
I've managed to successfully kick the habit of eating chocolate at work after lunch. Even when I'm really stressed out. Yay Team Me! But now I feel the need to tackle my after-work craving. When I get home from work, I just want to sit back and relax, sometimes with just a cup of green tea. Other times, when I'm a bit - or very! - stressed, I have cravings for things like: cheese, meats (ham, salami, etc) or sometimes nuts. Last night's leftovers! Boy says - you're probably craving protein, just have a glass of milo or milk with protein powder instead. I say - are you crazy?! They don't taste anything like cheese or ham! Why would I want to eat those?! So, like with the chocolate craving, I need to think of a suitable substitute that passes enough for the real thing to fool my body. Or perhaps stock up on some small, low-fat snack packs to start with, and go from there?

* eat a healthier dessert or none at all.
Another food-related issue. Soon after dinner each night, I get a hankering for something sweet. It's a habit, I guess. If I put a bit of effort and forethought in, I have something nice and fairly healthy, like yoghurt and tinned fruit (in juice, not syrup, of course!). If I don't put in the above-mentioned, Boy and I end up eating any number of less healthy things that we have kicking around the house. Especially this time of year, when our Christmas hampers have arrived. *sighs* So it seems the solution here is a bit of pre-planning and a bit of mindfulness.

* find ways to de-stress effectively.
Yah, well! I'm finding this harder lately. Since I moved house. The bath here takes half an hour to fill, plus it needs cleaning beforehand as the washing machine drains into it and it constantly gets dirty. And it's much shallower than the old one so my tummy and legs poke up out of the water and get cold. So having a bath is now annoying instead of relaxing. So I switched to having a nice, hot shower instead. But now that's become an annoying exercise as well. A problem has developed with the taps, and no matter what I do, the water temperature is either a bit too hot or a bit too cold. No in-between! And when you do adjust the tap, the new temperature takes about 30 seconds to come through, so you start to think - perhaps I didn't turn the tap far enough, so you turn it some more and suddenly it's freezing! Unbelievably frustrating. So the old relaxing hot shower with a nice-smelling shower gel is beyond my reach now, too. I'm not quite sure what to do. I'm still having showers about 50% of the time at night, and trying not to let it get to me. I take comfort in two facts I read recently: 1. cool/cold showers make you burn more calories as your body is trying to keep itself warm, and 2. apparently it's better to have a warm/cool shower (rather than hot) just before bed as, if your body overheats it keeps you awake. Plus I still get to use the yummy shower gels. So yeah.
And plus trying to meditate again would help a lot too, I think. For a while I was managing to meditate a little. In discussion I was given a suggestion to try for 30 seconds at a time. That amount of time isn't daunting at all, and I was managing to do it just fine in bed before going to sleep. So perhaps it's time to revive this.

* go to bed earlier and get enough sleep.
So many benefits to this, yet so hard to convince myself to just do it instead of watching the last half of My Strange Addiction! Then of course I always regret it the next morning, drink an extra cup of coffee, and tell myself I'll go to bed on time the next night. And the cycle repeats over again! Again, a little mindfulness would probably help here, too. Thinking about the big picture. Sleeping is pretty good, after all. It's the getting-up bit afterwards that's a little sucky!

* be more mindful of negative thoughts.
I've already been doing pretty well at this lately, I've realised. I just need to keep going! I've been teaching myself to say, "no, I deserve better than that!" It's not often that I truly believe it, but it makes me stop short and think about what I've been thinking or what I've been about to do. So I'm not there yet, but I'm definitely on the way.

I've gone on a bit, haven't I? But I guess that's what you do when you're a bit drunk ;)

From one party to another...

Currently I'm filling in some time on the internet, having just been to a work Christmas lunch, and about to leave for a work Christmas party. This is the life! Actually, lunch wasn't that spectacular. Imagine this, but with a small schnitzel underneath:


Source: simpledailyrecipes.com via Cec on Pinterest.

I realised the other day that I'm fairly cynical now when it comes to eating out. I often expect the food to be below par, average or just plain boring. And sadly, today lived up to my expectations. At least there were lots of veges in the coleslaw.
Been doing moderately well so far this week. I've been too busy to concentrate on healthy things too much, but also too busy to beat myself up about it, either. So I'm neither here nor there. But I suppose I should make some effort!

In review, things I'd still like to change are:
* exercise more. set goals to work towards.
* tackle cravings when I get home from work. eat a healthier/smaller snack.
* eat a healthier dessert or none at all.
* find ways to de-stress effectively.
* go to bed earlier and get enough sleep.
* be more mindful of negative thoughts.
That's about it for now. I'm in the mood to want to change right now (in between running around getting ready for the holidays, etc) so I will think about drawing up some kind of plan of attack in the near future.

It's nearly party time!

Firming and Plumping

Went to bed early (earlier, anyway!) last night and feeling slightly less tired today, so that's good. Have a lot to do today after work though, and it's a little annoying. Tuesday is supposed to be my Tuesday Walk day! I really can't put off going to the chemist for another day. Or doing laundry, or doing the dishes, etc. I'll just have to work around it. I really do feel that I have to do some exercise though. I didn't do any over the weekend, and only a little yesterday, and now I'm feeling stiff and lethargic. I hate that feeling.

Not only that, but today I'm wearing an outfit that I hate!
I decided that, this weekend, I'm going to do my half-yearly wardrobe changeover. My wardrobe space is a lot smaller than in my old flat, so I need to be smarter about things. There are some clothes I've had hanging in the far corners for ages that I wasn't too sure about. So I decided to dust them off and wear them this week, and see if I still want to keep them. Maybe not such a good decision for this week - I'm feeling pretty fat and frumpy - Special Lady Time must be coming. Oh dear!

In Other News ...

What I really wanted to ramble on talk about today is beauty products. Lately I've noticed that my face is starting to sag. I've been pretty lucky so far. I have a fairly chubby face, so fewer wrinkles and a more youthful look. Now though, things are starting to head southwards! So I want to get some beauty products that'll prop things up. But I want something that's going to work! I don't want to be wasting my money on crapola stuff that doesn't do anything it says it does. Up til now, I haven't worried too much about it. The main thing for me was whether it smelled good (and for hand cream - whether it made my eczema itchy), and if it wasn't too expensive. I also liked ones that had essential oils in them - for both the smell and because they were more 'natural'. And, very important, I don't want anything from a company that tests on animals. A few months ago, I also decided that I don't want to use anything with parabens in it if possible. The links with cancer aren't proven conclusively, but it still worries me.

Years ago, I remembered reading a book about the Cosmetics Cop, so I looked up her website and found Beautypedia. I've been trawling it like an obsessed woman in the last few days! And I've found out some pretty interesting - and shocking - things.

* A lot of the essential oils and other ingredients they put in products to make them smell good or which are supposedly calming, can actually be irritating to the skin. Some of the products that I've loved using get very low scores on Beautypedia for this reason.

* Many ingredients which are supposed to do great stuff to the skin (e.g. Vitamin C) don't actually do anything. The skin can't even absorb them. They only work if they're ingested. Other ingredients can be absorbed in some forms but not others. The beauty companies add the non-absorbent forms because they're cheaper or for whatever reason. Yet they still claim the product does what the absorbent form would have done - if they'd added it. There's very little regulation in the cosmetics industry - they can basically make whatever claims they like and get away with it.

* The container that a product comes in is very important. A moisturiser that comes in a jar will get contaminated and go off very quickly. You have to open it up and expose it to air and stick your fingers in it every time you use it. So it makes sense. I will definitely take notice of what type of container products come in from now on.

* Many large companies still test on animals! There's a huge list of them on the website. I was shocked to realise this. I have to admit, I was pretty naive. I just assumed that companies didn't anymore. Synthetic skin was invented years ago, so there's really no excuse for it. I was upset to find that the best hand cream for me - the only one that doesn't make my eczema itch - was tested on animals! I don't know what I'm going to do.

But at least I have one thing that I didn't have before - knowledge.
The Cosmetic Cop seems to have a good reputation, and the testers are constantly adding new reviews and updates to the site. The only drawback is, being American, it mostly has American products. Many of the Australian products I've used or thought of using are not listed. However, there's a comprehensive general list of ingredients, so a person could easily cross-check the ingredients in any product and draw some helpful conclusions.

So, yeah, I think I'll be referring to this site frequently in future!

Monday Again!

This week I'm feeling pretty good. Had quite a bit of energy so far today. Considering it's Monday! And Monday means it statistics time again, hah! This time I thought I'd turn my tracker summary into a graph:



In a word: terrible!
Although, now I look at it, I see that I did better with exercise than I thought. I did exercise 4 1/2 days (my aim is 5). It's just that I didn't do what the schedule said, on the days that it says, that's all. So no need for the old beat-up. I deliberately made it flexible - my plans can change, and I know how I work. It doesn't matter when it happens or how it happens, what matters is that it happens!

I'm feeling really energetic and perky today, I can't wait til lunchtime so I can go for my walk. Wish I felt like this every day! What have I been doing/eating to bring this on?? I'm really glad because last week I had some pretty bad problems with my anxiety. I kept forgetting to try and meditate and kept worrying about everything until I felt sick. Then suddenly last night I remembered my technique for when I'm feeling that way - to stop and think "what's happening right now?" Maybe that does really help more than I realise.

Thursday Things

It's Thursday already! I feel like this week's gone so fast, I haven't had time to do anything. Testing out my new exercise schedule has had its ups and downs so far, but I'll look at it more closely at the end of the week. Been eating very well this week, kind of accidentally, I have to admit. But better than the alternative.

In Other News ...

This morning at work, I overheard a short piece of conversation between a woman (someone I don't know) and her (male) colleague. She said that she's going on holiday in a month's time, and she'll be on a liquid diet until then so she can 'shed some kilos'. They bustled off before I could hear his reply.
The way I reacted to hearing that was kinda mixed. First off, I wanted to say to her, "why are you trying to lose weight? You're perfect the way you are! Your butt is tiny!" (Of course I didn't say anything at all, them being total strangers and all, but this is what I was thinking.) Then I thought, 'how sad it is, that this woman is going through a month of torture, does she really think that's the only way she can enjoy her holiday?'
Then I was thinking, 'well, if she just compared herself to me, then she'd feel much better,' and 'I wonder what she and her colleague think of me?' Then I started feeling all defensive and had to think about rainbows until I felt better.

This experience really made me think about two things. Firstly, it was a reminder that many women have body issues, no matter what their size. This is something I'd worked out when I was young, but it was a reminder that I'm not alone. Don't get me wrong, it's not a case of schadenfreude - it didn't make me feel better about myself. Just not quite so freaky, I guess you could say. I felt sorry for her, as well.

The other thing was, why did I get so defensive about a conversation that had nothing at all to do with me? The analysing part of me thought this was very interesting. I don't have time to think about it right now, being at work. I'll see if I can make time to think about it a bit on the weekend.

New and Fun!

We got a Kinect on the weekend! It's so fun. Spent about an hour on it on Sat, and a couple of hours on Sun. I was ducking, jumping, dancing, flapping my arms. Got all sweaty and thirsty. I was exercising without even realising it! It's fantastic! I was getting a bit bored with exercising lately. Walking, more walking, DVDs I've done so many times before. I thought about joining a gym (there's a Curves about half a block from me), going to Zumba classes, buying more DVDs - but I'm a bit short on money at the moment, and most of those seem like ongoing expenses. I know what you're thinking! The Kinect cost a lot of money, too! But it's something Boy and I can both enjoy together, we can use it indoors, any time. Also, he got it on sale, and it came with 4 games, which is enough to keep us going for ages. Plus I think it's a psychological thing, too. When we're playing the game, it's a game (yay!), not exercising (ugh). Anyway, enough with justifying my actions for today!

Looking back at my Tracker for last week, I had a pretty topsy-turvy week. Didn't do very well in my focus of drinking more water, in the end. Remembered to refill my water bottle most days, didn't end up drinking the water. My mind's just been on other things. So I'll put that back on the drawing board for a future focus. As for everything else, I started out well on Monday, as usual, but then was pretty half-hearted the rest of the week. e.g. having homemade dip, but with pizza shapes instead of vegetable sticks. Last weekend we were too busy go shopping for all the things we needed for the week (like vege sticks!), and then I didn't get around to getting any after work during the week. A bit of pre-planning can make the rest of the week so much easier, and healthier. Lesson learned. (Or re-learned actually, cos I've done that many times before! :) )

Anyway, I'm going to make my Focus this week: lights out at 10pm every night. I have a tendency to go to bed late. (Last night for example, there was a good movie on and I stayed up til it finished at 11pm. Ooops!) Even if I do get to bed at 10pm, I tend to sit up reading for a while. I have a feeling this week is going to be a stressful week. Well, it has been so far, hopefully it'll get better! But getting enough sleep can't do me any harm, right?

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Weekly Wrapup

Wrapup of 1st week of August:

Got an average of 70% on my Tracker.
Full exercise days: 3. Half exercise days: 2.
Things I did well on: meals during the day; resisting after-lunch cravings; creative activities; Colitis low (except on the weekend).
Things I could improve on: drinking enough water; more and varied exercise; eating enough vegetables; healthier or no dessert; my focus (doing relaxation every day).

I didn't do formal relaxation even once last week. I still have a strong feeling, which I'm having trouble getting rid of, that it's a waste of time. I also have a strong feeling that it'll be really good for me, body and mind. Perhaps I should concentrate on things that're more concrete at the moment though - I'm better at those. I'm feeling a bit tired and grumpy today, so I'm tempted to pick something easy for this week's focus. I feel thirsty right now, so how about - drink 2 bottles of water per day (1 litre bottles). I have one and work and one at home, so it'll be easy to fill and drink one each, every day.

In Other News ...

Yesterday at brunch, B told me I should wear leather. That I have the attitude for it. That gave me a self-esteem boost! I was wearing my skinny jeans and they make me feel pretty good. Perhaps I'll wear them to N and P's wedding!! Rather than spending all this time stressing on an outfit - the type of thing I've never worn before, and I'm not sure I have the skills to make. Perhaps I should just wear something that I wear all the time and I know I'm comfy in. Makes sense, when you think about it!

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The Good and the Bad

Been doing pretty good at the zen/not worrying thing so far this week. But now I look at my tracker and see I've eaten hardly any fruit and veges! (esp. fruit) And I didn't have time to exercise on Mon and Tues, which are the 2 days I'm normally most likely to exercise. Agh, it's a balance, and it never seems to be quite right. I guess it needs constant attention.

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Last Week

Another crazy weekend! I told myself I was going to pay a bit more attention to what I'm doing on the weekend, but it just passed by in a whirlwind. On Saturday I got 30%, and Sun 20%. Terrible! Every single meal was unhealthy, and a few times I only got a score at all because I didn't eat anything. Which is bad, too. Although, I think it's funny that I got a higher score on Saturday when I spent the whole day and evening out doing things, than on Sunday when I had a free day. Weird.

Anyway. Last week's focus was on combating cravings. And I think I did excellently! The only slip-up I had (if you can even call it that) was on Thursday when I had a vege-burger (home-made) instead of the roasted soybeans. But I'm calling that a win - the amount of time I spent wandering around the supermarket, agonising over every little thing, and I ended up choosing vege-burgers. I think I deserve credit for that! As for it turning into a habit, well, tonight I had some soybeans but also some chips. Was very stressed and have my Special Lady Pouty Time - what can I say?

I had a little trouble deciding on this week's Focus. Was very tired and had a busy morning, so I didn't really have the time or the energy to think about it. Then I was having lunch with a couple of friends, and one of them said that I shouldn't dwell on things. So there was my inspiration. My Focus this week is not to worry, not to dwell on things, live in the moment, be zen, however you want to put it. It's appropriate right now, I've got a few things going on that're a bit stressful, applying for jobs not the least of them. That always stresses me out, bigtime. So whenever I catch myself worrying about something, stressing about something I have/haven't done, dreading something that may/may not happen, I just bring myself back to the present. It'll be harder than last week's focus, because it's something I'll need to remember to do all day, every day. But I've been feeling less stressed already, and it's only day one. So yay!

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Monday

Again, last weekend was a bit of a wasteland, food and exercise-wise. Sat I spent all day out visiting family so I didn't have time to exercise (not that I'm complaining, it was wonderful to see them). Sun I didn't do anything either, and that was all my own fault! Actually I did something really dumb on Fri and left both pairs of my sneakers at work, so I couldn't go walking. I thought about doing a DVD instead, but I couldn't be bothered. Eh. I'm past beating myself up over it lately.

Sometimes I get so sad, thinking I might be this fat for the rest of my life. But at the moment I'm not in the right frame of mind to do everything possible to lose weight. And until I am, well I guess I can't really complain. I think it's just the cold weather and darkness that's making me feel that way.
At least I've been eating fruit every day lately!

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Last Weekend

Had an interesting weekend. Saturday I ate and drank and oh my! Was on the go all day, travelling and visiting and going to a party. Literally did not have any time to exercise, or plan for healthy eating. So my overall score for the day was pretty low. Sunday was a lazier day. Had brunch out, did some shopping, a little bit of housework. Washed my hair and did my nails. Didn't feel like exercising, so I didn't. It's a lot harder to exercise in winter. The fact that it gets dark so early mucks with my mind. During the week, I exercise right after work. I know it's important not to exercise too late in the day, so I make sure I do it right after work. But on the weekend, I lose track of time. I think to myself, well, during the week I exercise mid-afternoon, so I should keep my routine the same on the weekend. But after I've done some fun stuff and some housework, all of a sudden it's dark - and it's only 5pm! That's still not too late to exercise, but my brain just can't get rid of the concept that 'oh, it's dark, that means it's too late'. My body starts to wind down and any kind of exercise seems a mammoth effort. That's what happened yesterday. It's completely an excuse, I acknowledge that! Need to find a way to get around it. Did well with eating though, ate healthy for every meal except one snack (well, I skipped breakfast, have to admit), so I got a pretty good overall score. It was interesting though - I never once thought about what I was eating throughout the day. Often on the weekend I'm so busy doing stuff that I forget to have breakfast or lunch. I wish work was like that. Sometimes I'll still be full from lunch, and already I'll be thinking about how close the vending machine is!

Was reading a little bit more of the Weight Loss for Food Lovers book this morning. I was up to the Chapter on exercise and why apparently it's not really that important. Supposedly there was a study done saying that people who exercised for 1 hour every day only lost on average 2kgs per year. (This was without modifying their diet at all, so the study was able to look at exercise only.) Therefore, he says, there's not much point in exercising if you don't feel like it. He says that if you take the figure of 10-12kgs per year for safe and achievable weight loss, then you should put 5 times as much effort into modifying your diet as you do exercising. This is great news, as "most people" don't like exercising, he says.
Firstly, that study sounds a bit dodgy - I've read from many sources that people shouldn't exercise every day; it becomes less effective over time. Also, what sort of exercise were they doing? Many sources also say it's important to mix up different activities to keep your body challenged or, again, it becomes less effective over time. And were they all eating exactly the same thing for the howwever-many-years that the study ran? I can't be bothered looking it up, so I'll just leave those questions hanging and move on.
I could go on about how I disagree with his conclusion - I think that exercising is a very valuable thing to do for many reasons (which I think I've talked about before), but I'm not going to go into it, because in the very next paragraph, he contradicts himself. He says that, ok, you don't need to do planned exercise - but he talks about the importance of Incidental Activity in making sure you do enough activity to get the small amount of exercise that you do need (the 5 times less, remember?). He recommends purchasing a pedometer and working to increase the number of steps you do every day. But oh dear - the target number of steps is so high that the average person who does a desk job simply couldn't achieve them in a day without having to do some planned exercise. So he says that "most people" should go for a walk to achieve their target number of steps. Ah ha! So exercise is required after all. All the readers who purchased the book on the exciting promise of never having to exercise again are starting to pout.
I should mention that he goes on to explain why exercise is important (again, contradicting himself) - it reduces stress and anxiety, the endorphins make you feel good, toning exercises can help to change your body shape, etc. I do have to admit, this is a noble attempt to talk up the benefits of exercise. Unfortunately though, after a whole chapter of explaining why we don't have to do exercise, it rings a bit hollow.
On the plus side, the next chapter explains why we should drink alcohol every day. (Red wine, to be specific.) Woohoo! No more than 3 glasses, but no less than one glass - every day! That's a soothing balm after the whole nasty exercise business, isn't it? Now that I think about it, perhaps there's a reason why the Chapters are in this particular order....

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Statistics Time

I'm a statistics nerd, so I thought I'd do a bit of a statistical overview of my tracker last week. So:

* I ate my pre-breakfast boiled egg 5 days out of 7.
* I ate healthy breakfast 5 days out of 7.
* I ate healthy morning tea 6 days out of 7. (2 days I didn't have any at all; I count that as healthy. And if it weren't for the Greatest Morning Tea on Weds, I would have gotten 100%!)
* I ate healthy lunch 4 days out of 7.
* I ate healthy afternoon tea 3 days out of 7. (And even one of those was doubtful.)
* I ate healthy dinner 5 days out of 7.
* I ate healthy dessert 0 days out of 7. (oops; my biggest downfall!)
* I exercised 4 days out of 7. (all 4 days were walking - so much for my plan to do more diverse activities this week!)
* I did a relaxing/creative/pampering activity 6 days out of 7. (computer games don't count! )
* My average score over the whole week was 65%.

That's pretty much confirmed what I suspected. I do great at work, but as soon as I get home, I turn into a mindless, food-devouring monster! Monday's my best day, and as the week goes on, I keep on sliding until I'm a messy puddle on the weekend. I don't eat as much on the weekend (I usually skip morning tea and sometimes breakfast and afternoon tea as well) but most of what I do eat is unhealthy. And my greatest weakness is dessert! I have a strong emotional thing going on. All day I think to myself, "right, tonight I'm just going to have a cup of tea ... a cup of tea ... just a cup of tea ... " Then, about half an hour after dinner, the thought of not getting anything sweet to eat is so pathetic that I just wanna cry! I'm such a sad-sack!! So I have to think of a way to break this cycle.

In Other News ...

I've also been sick quite a lot in the last week. I've really tried to eat more fruit lately, but seeing as I have fructose malabsorption, I really have to be careful what fruits I eat and check products for high-fructose corn syrup. Since I found out I had this, nearly a year ago now, I haven't worried about it too much. But now that I'm eating more fruit, I'm noticing I'm getting sick more. So I think it's time to look at my plan, here!

As for the other thing I wanted to improve on last week - drinking more water - I did manage to drink 5 or 6 glasses each day during the week. Again, though, on the weekend... meh!

So this week I'd like to: continue to drink at least 6 glasses of water, EVERY day; make a list of fructose-safe fruits and stick to only eating them; and exercise (no matter what type) at least 5 days.

((Um, I didn't really intend to have weekly goals, but there you go. ))

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Did Well

Quite proud of myself, I did pretty well this weekend, with Boy's help. He made many helpful suggestions for eating healthy. And we went for a longish walk on Sat. I didn't really feel like it, but I had to return some library books, and then we went down to the playground. It was nearly dark so there wasn't anyone there, so we had a bit of a play before walking home. Some days, you gotta just do whatever gets you moving!

So, looking over last week, I did pretty well with eating main meals. I exercised quite a bit, but I'd like to try doing more. I drank some water, but not as much as they say you should. Same with fruit and veges. Did pretty well with the fruit actually. Normally I don't eat any, but I ate at least 1 serve every single day. (Except Thursday.) Had a pretty stressful week so, even though I made sure to have a snack right before I left work, I found myself eating chips, etc when I got home. It was just mindless nomming when I was reading my book. I need to figure out a way to cut this out! The other area where I didn't score many greens was dessert. I've already improved in this area. 6 months ago we were eating chocolate brownies with double-choc icecream. Now it's a hot chocolate drink with a couple of plain biscuits or a pudding made with fresh berries and sugar substitute. It's definitely an improvement! But I still can't - in all good conscience - call it definitively healthy. I'm really trying to be honest with myself here. It's hard when someone makes something and they try really hard to be thoughtful when making it. You feel like you should be grateful and not criticise. You think well, I know I made that rule that anything with pastry in it can't be healthy, but the apple pie only had a very thin base, and it did also have healthy fruit in it as well .... And I am actually doing very well with 90% of my meals..... I'll think about how to tackle that later.

So this week I want to concentrate on drinking more water, at least 2 bottles per day, and diversify my exercise instead of just walking.

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