I'm feeling a bit strange today. I still feel like I'm on the verge of doing something. Does it still count if you're feeling motivated, but you haven't actually done what you're motivated to do, yet? =) Unfortunately I won't have time to do a lunchtime walk today, didn't yesterday and won't have time tomorrow, either. That can get a bit frustrating when you just want some fresh air!
For some strange reason, last night I decided to have a look at the fat acceptance blogs on my reader. I hadn't looked at them in months. I only look at them when I feel a certain way, or when I want to feel a certain way. The last few weeks, I've been busy and stressed. Stressed about many things, not the least of which is clothes! There are some social occasions coming up. Occasions where what I wear will be important. Important to other people, and to me. I feel there will be other women there who'll be paying attention to what I'm wearing. Not my close friends, of course, but I think there'll be some who are interested in what "the fat chick" is wearing, and comparing themselves to me. Finding points where they're 'better' than me to make themselves feel better. I know women do it all the time, heck, I sometimes find myself doing it!Often when I see another fat girl in public, I look to see what she's wearing, etc. And often I see her looking at me and I wonder if she's doing the same. And I think, why can't we be friends and support each other, instead of playing off each other like that??
There's also the comic convention coming up in a few weeks. Husband is dead-set on going. I dream about one day wearing a beautiful outfit, but then I think that I'm still too big and people will laugh at me and I'll wait til next year when I've lost some weight and that'll be better and I'll enjoy it more. I get really mad at myself when I start thinking like that. How long am I going to have to wait for my life to start??
And then of course, there's my holiday to hot climes which I'm still totally unprepared for, not only clothes-wise but mentally. I mean, I haven't worn my bathers at all in about 2 years, and we signed up for a Barrier Reef activity which will involve me being in them half the day! What was I thinking!? I suggested to Husband that we go to the pool a few times before the holiday, to get me used to being in them and hopefully feeling comfortable around other people in them. Do other people have to do that, or is that just me?? =)
Strange really, when I think about it. I feel more comfortable getting around in my bathers in front of a bunch of people on a pontoon, than I do being fully dressed in front of a bunch of anime fans. I'm a very strange person, aren't I?
I don't want to lose weight to become sexier or have people notice me. On the contrary! Many fat people say they feel invisible, but I feel the opposite! It draws so much attention - attention that I don't want. All I want is to fit in, to melt into a crowd and become invisible. To live anonymously in the city without any hassle or trouble, without anyone noticing me. But no matter how hard I try, I can't do that. I could dress as boring and slobby as possible, with no makeup, but people would still do a double-take when they saw me. I just want to be normal.
Anyway, so I guess last night I was just looking for a bit of validation. And well, I didn't find it. But I understand why. I don't fit into the Fat Acceptance movement, because it's about valuing yourself (and having other people value you) the way you are, without changing. They're not interested in reduction, and that's perfectly fine. Everyone is on a different path. I don't fit into the Healthy At Every Size movement, either, because frankly, I'm not really healthy. Plus, reading about HAES makes me realise that, although I say I want to do physical activity for the fun and health of it, deep down inside I still have the ulterior motive of hoping that I'll lose weight along the way. And being disappointed if I don't. So it seems a bit wrong to get involved in that. I also tried reading a few weight loss blogs a while back, and realised I didn't fit in with them, either. I couldn't relate to the attitude they took, the inspirations they used didn't inspire me at all. The goals they have are too out-of-reach for me, and the methods of achieving them too torturous. I just don't seem to fit in anywhere. But I'm used to feeling like I'm different, that's nothing new.
One thing I can certainly say about reading the fat acceptance etc blogs is that it makes me think about things! It seems I'm still struggling with my stated aim of "accepting myself the way I am, and losing weight at the same time". I wonder if that's even possible! If you were happy, there'd be no reason to change, would there?
Anyway, I have to get back to work now. I don't have time to think about this anymore right now. Perhaps on the weekend!
