Do I Have Diabetes?

I'm about to find out.

I just got back from having the diabetes test done with my best friend. It was surprisingly non-interminable, though having a friend with you to pass the time surely helps with that. We were there for about 2-1/2 hours. Blood is taken once, then you drink a bottle of sugar water, wait an hour, take more blood, wait a second hour, then take more blood. Then you are free to proceed directly to the nearest Hungry Jack's for breakfast.

I don't feel like I have diabetes, though you never can really tell, I guess. It's probably not like Colitis where it's relatively easy to tell: do I have an intestinal cramp? Am I doing diarhoea right now? Then yes, quite probably. I'm going to try hard not to think about it until I get the results. There may not be anything to worry about.



Meanwhile, I've been very involved with the Fluent Self community and I love it! It opened about a month ago, and it's really starting to feel like the regulars are forming a community: sharing their guts out, writing encouraging comments on everyone else's posts, etc. I haven't written any really in-depth, soul-searching type posts yet, and sometimes I wonder if I'm going about things the 'wrong' way. But there is no wrong way! And besides, I'm also doing the Path of Colouring course, and I've had a few zingers come out of that. Perhaps once that's over, I'll do a proper Rally day and really dig up those monsters and give them a good talking to. I'm just not really feeling the need to do it right now. There's no point in forcing myself, right?

More than just a Wake-Up Call

Over Christmas, one of my friends had a health scare. Well, it was a lot more than just a scare -- he'll be going home with less bits than he went in with. I won't go into any more detail, as it's not my story to tell. What I can tell you though, is that it's shaken us all up a bit. His wife and family are freaking out. We're all worried about him. And it's made us all re-think how (if?) we've been looking after ourselves in the last few years.

I certainly haven't been looking after myself as well as I could have, I know that. But that's a topic for a future post. Right now, I'm feeling for my friends (both husband and wife) and their families, and all our friends. I'm worried about all the things he's committed to and how they will work themselves out with him in hospital and later, recovering.

I'm also noticing some feelings and thoughts coming up in myself that I don't like, that I'm ashamed of. I'm not angry at my friend -- even though this is a situation that could have been prevented if he'd taken better care of himself in the last few years. I started having thoughts that I didn't like. How stereotypical it is for this to happen. How embarrassed he must be. How embarrassed I would be if it happened to me. How frustrating it is because I don't want to feed into the biased and uninformed views of the healthist elite.

And trying to think back and analyse -- just how badly had he been eating? How much worse compared to me? Could I get away with my current levels of everything that I'd be OK? And yeah, I was also a bit scared that it might happen to me, too.

I didn't mean to make this post all about me. I guess I'm a bit confused at the moment.

To Acupuncture Or Not?

I think I'm going to start getting acupuncture again.

I first started getting acupuncture just over 2 years ago. I wanted to see if it could help with my various ailments, but mostly my colitis and my anxiety. I also felt that it was important to do something for myself. I came to love my treatments. I'm not sure it worked so well on my colitis, as that varies a lot, but it definitely helped my anxiety.

During that time, my practitioner left and I was recommended to another one at the same clinic, but that was fine. When the second practitioner decided to move to a private practice, I went too, even though the location was less convenient. At the start of this year, after my old job finished up, I had an appointment as per normal. Normally I would go after work, but I couldn't be bothered travelling there from home. Just as I did with my counsellor, I called up and cancelled my appointment, intending to make another one at a later date. But I never did.

Instead, I decided to observe myself, to see if my symptoms worsened -- to see if it was worth returning. Over time, I found that my anxiety was worse again. There was no logical reason for it to be. Many of the things that I knew to trigger my anxiety were not currently present in my life. I'm fairly certain that I have GAD (Generalised Anxiety Disorder) as well. Lately, it's been affecting my work, which is a real concern. I started to think about returning to acupuncture, but I hesitated.

I never liked the new practice very much. The way it was run, the logistics of getting home from there, the atmosphere and several other reasons made it so that I never settled in or felt comfortable there. In fact, I realised that my anxiety was increased when I went there. A treatment that was meant to reduce my anxiety actually increased it! Plus, the practitioner in the last few months had started to talk about various other treatments that I didn't feel were very relevant to me and it made me feel slightly uncomfortable. So, as much as I liked her personally and thought that her treatments were effective, I came to the conclusion that I would not return there.

I really like community acupuncture. The clinic I first went to was run this way. I thought I would return there, but I was saddened to find out yesterday that it's closed down. Apparently there are several community-style acupuncture clinics in Melbourne now, but of course there are also other options for dealing with anxiety as well. I'd like to do some research into these before deciding.

That Clicking Sound

Was so excited about my juicer, that I forgot to update about my pedometer!

I wore it on Saturday - that was an at-home day. I didn't do any exercise and I just pottered around the house and did a little housework. ~3,600 steps (sorry I don't have my record with me, so it'll have to be estimates). I was actually quite surprised - I thought it would be less, considering I didn't leave the house at all that day. But at the same time it was kinda scary, as sources say you should have a minimum of 10,000 per day. But it was interesting to note, anyway.

I wore it on Sunday - ~7,300 steps. That day, I went to shopping and we walked around the shopping centre quite a bit. Other than that, I did exactly the same as Sat. Then just before bedtime - disaster struck!!! The pedometer fell in the toilet!! I pulled it out after only a few seconds, but it was full of water!!! Boy/Man took it apart and tried to try it off with my hairdryer, but there was all this condensation on the inside of the display. However, the display started working again. I waited with baited breath until the next morning, and it was OK. Phew!

I wore it on Monday - (first day of official challenge) ~7,400 steps. It was interesting to see how many steps I take on a typical weekday. I think wearing it spurred me on to walk more, get up for stuff, etc. I was very tired when I got home though, so I didn't do any exercise.

I wore it on Tuesday. - ~7,800 steps. By this stage it was getting quite annoying. The only way it will measure properly is if I wear it on my pants-band, in the centre of my back. It won't work if it's attached on the side. It was fine if I was just walking around, but with sitting, getting up, etc., it kept loosening off and it fell off a few times. Once on the tram even, which was quite embarrassing. And, of course, when I'm sitting down, it digs into my back. So, I'm a bit over it. I've decided to wear it a few times on days when I'm doing different things, and take an average.

I didn't wear it on Wednesday - estimated ~9,200. It's only higher because I went out for lunch, and then I walked to the end tram stop (counting the no. of steps in my head as I went). I did notice that, throughout the day, I was less enthusiastic about jumping up and walking around for things at work. But then again, my colleague was away sick so I didn't have time to think about/do it anyway.

I'm not so excited about the pedometer anymore. I'm not so excited about the juicer, either. I'm not so excited about anything, really. I'm very tired, all the time. Even when I wake up in the morning.
I'm only up so early this morning because I had another nightmare. That's two nights in a row. I won't go into tonight's one because it touched a bit close to home. (Ones like that make me especially tired because I can't stop thinking about them.)
It seems like I haven't done anything that I enjoy doing for a long time (except for surfing the internet, cos that takes no energy), and it's starting to get really frustrating. I've always known that when I don't do anything creative/self-expressive, I get down and frustrated. Sure, surfing the internet is fun while I'm doing it, but I'm not actually doing anything, and that makes me sad and regretful, that I've wasted my weekend or my evening. Some people are happy just to do that in their spare time, but not me. I like to do and make things. And when was the last time I made anything?? Ages ago.

I know that 'all' I need to do is just start exercising again, build up slowly and I'll have more energy. I'm so exhausted all the time though, I'm finding it very difficult to start.
However, I'm not the kind of person to lie around moping about it! I'm the kind of person who finds out more! So I googled 'how can I exercise when i'm tired all the time?' and found some tips from others on the intertubes:
- take aloe vera juice every day
- eat foods high in iron and vitamin C or take supplements
- take a supplement with B vitamins
- take a multivitamin
- take this stuff called tre-en-en which has plant lipids
- get at least 8 hours sleep
- get quality sleep
- eat less at night so you will get to sleep better
- go to a sleep clinic
- get tested to see if you have anaemia and/or diabetes
- eat healthier
- just start exercising

These were all from normal people (not experts) and people trying to flog their products, so I'm taking them for what they are. Perhaps good advice, perhaps not.
All I know is - something has to change.
It's time for me to start getting ready for work now. Hopefully I can make some time to think about these things soon.

Friday Kind of Night

Wouldn't you know it?

Have you heard of elimination diets? Well, I'm trying one of my own. The last few months, my innards have been on a rollercoaster ride - some days good, some days bad. After examining my food diary, I've narrowed down the culprits to oily foods, spicy foods or alcohol (either spirits, wine or both). I tend to have various combinations of the 3 on weekends, so I'm usually sick on Saturday mornings, and often Sunday mornings, too. And I'm sick of being sick on my days off! So, a little experiment -
Boy made a spicy curry a few days ago. I've eaten it the last 2 nights and my tummy felt fine. Tonight (being Friday and all) I decided to add some wine to the mix and see how I fare. So yeah, this post comes to you straight from half-a-bottle of sparkling syrah.

In Other News ...

I finally wore my skirt today! It's been literally years since I last wore a skirt! The Bureau predicted it would be such a hot day, plus all of my pants were in the wash, so I thought, screw it! To paraphrase Virgie Tovar, I debuted that sh!t!
And guess what? I loved it!

I Loved It!!!

I thought I'd feel all self-conscious and daggy. I thought it would be annoying having to check my lady-parts weren't showing all the time. I thought I wouldn't have any tops that matched with it at all. Yeah, the top I wore was a little bit long, but it looked fine. I felt great! I felt so feminine and, well, not swelteringly hot! I have pretty good legs if I do say so myself - I have slender ankles and nicely shaped calves, and it was so great to be able to show them off. All day, walking around the office, I was thinking to myself, "look at me everyone! I'm wearing a skirt!" Of course, no-one realised that it was out of the ordinary for me at all. But I felt fantastic! I want to run out and buy more! And some better matching tops to go with them.

However...

Did I mention as well? I'm really trying to save up money at the moment, so last week (on 17th Feb to be exact) I made a pact with myself that I wouldn't buy anything unnecessary until the end of this month. I've stuck to it so far. It's been really hard at times. When I really felt like buying something, I've done some online window shopping, but bought not a whit. I'm quite proud of myself! So, no new clothes for me quite yet. But some next Thursday ... well!

With My Margarita Beside Me

Yesterday was my last day at my old work. I cried, but not in front of too many people, thankfully! I was there for 4 years. I had good times and bad times (but mostly good ones) and made some wonderful friends. I'm determined to keep in touch with them; not to make the same mistakes I have before.

This weekend I'm preparing to start my new job on Monday. Things aren't going as well as I'd hoped. I injured myself this morning - by running into a wall! I know, that sounds like the typical domestic abuse excuse, but it's true! I was walking along with my (open) laptop and the corner of it banged against the wall. The laptop is fine, but the other corner of it banged into my side, and made me twist abruptly. So now my lower back/hip area is sore and stiff. And I only just saw my chiropractor a few days ago; my next appointment isn't for another 3 1/2 weeks. Murphy's Law!

So I'm just taking it easy and applying Goanna Rub at regular intervals. I've had this kind of injury before and usually it's cleared up in a few days if I do the right thing - keep moving so it doesn't lock up from sitting still for too long, and don't sit/lie in a position which is going to aggravate it. Oh, I hope it's better by Monday!

Complicating matters is that my hormones are all over the place at the moment. One minute I feel happy and optimistic. Literally 5 minutes later, I'm feeling miserable, dreading Monday, can't stop focussing on the pain and feeling like crying.
I keep getting an urge to get online and buy things, to a) congratulate myself for landing a permanent job, or b) console myself for not getting to hang out with my fun work friends anymore. So perhaps I shouldn't make this post too much longer! Boy and I have decided that we're going to save as much money as we can and buy a place of our own ASAP. Hopefully in about a year, if all goes well.

But before I go, to cheer myself up - in my last post I mentioned that I'd post some pics of what I'd wear to work if size/availability/fit/practicality/societal prejudice were not an issue. Note: I would still replace the heels with flats in any of these!



Source: polyvore.com via ApartmentCat on Pinterest.
I love polka dots!
And mixing neutrals with pops of
bright colour in the accessories.


Source: southernbelleblog2.tumblr.com via ApartmentCat on Pinterest.
Hair-wise I'd go with a low, smooth bun,
but I love the bright skirt toned down with light neutrals.
I'd probably not use the sexy/daft facial expression, either.
Just sayin'.


Source: modcloth.com via ApartmentCat on Pinterest.
This checked dress just makes my heart sing!
I'd pair it with a yellow bag in summer,
and navy blue or purple tights in winter.


Source: stylehive.com via ApartmentCat on Pinterest.
I love this sweet, feminine blouse!
The colour makes me smile. Though I might be
pushing it with the little pom poms!


Source: kendieveryday.blogspot.com via ApartmentCat on Pinterest.
Again, neutral greys with a fun splash of colour.
Neat and stylish.

Break Time!

I've had a little break from everything - from work, from my food diary ... and from blogging too, it seems! So, a big update today. Things went really well over Christmas. I'm really proud of myself. I didn't once eat so much that I felt sick. I made sure I ate salad/veges at every meal as well as unhealthy stuff. I didn't drink too much.

(Well, I guess that depends on your definition of 'too much'. Enough to make me feel sick? Or enough to make me say things I shouldn't have? ..... )

Up until Christmas, things were not going too well exercise-wise. I was just too busy. Though running around the shops may have done some good, as B noted the other day that I look smaller from the back. Nice! That made me feel confident enough to weigh myself this morning and sadly, the scales and tape measure tell a different tale. Every measurement is higher! I've put on 1.2kgs since I last weighed myself in early November. I didn't have my last set of measurements to hand this morning, but I think they've gone up, too. More's the pity. But on the bright side, I put on less than 2kgs over the Christmas period! Last year I put on over 5kgs, and it took me all year to get them off again, so it's a win, really. Plus I don't feel terrible about myself like I did last year, either.

Not To Mention ...

Just before Christmas, Boy decided that we should have a blood pressure machine. Last time I went to the Doctor, my blood pressure was astronomical, though I'd been exercising right before I went to see him, so it could have been slightly skewed. (More than slightly!) I'd been a bit worried ever since, but not too much because of the skewed results. So then we bought the blood pressure monitor, which is made by a very reputable company that make ones for real-and-proper doctors as well. We took it home and measured ourselves straight away. Cos we love our new toys!
Well, it's still astronomical. Ahem.

So I have decided to Take Steps. Namely - 1) start putting an effort into exercising again (but building up slowly so I don't bust a vein); and 2) really making an effort to decrease my stress levels by meditating regularly.
And I have meditated every day since then. I find it really daunting, I just always get this idea in my head that I'm bad at it. So I've started with 1 minute per day. I don't time myself. In fact I do it in bed right before I go to sleep. And I find it helps me get off to sleep better. Some extremely stressful things have happened in the last few days, and I think it's helped me cope a bit better, in conjunction with the exercise. Now is time for me! I deserve it!
I'm also working on a list of goals for 2012, but I'll talk about that next time.

In Related News ...

Boy gave me what I wished for, for Christmas - the Zumba for Kinect game!



I've played it once so far and really enjoyed it. I can see myself playing it regularly - hopefully! I love dancing, and that's what this game is all about! I can't review it yet - 25 minutes of playing the most basic tutorials doesn't really give it justice - but we'll see.
Boy and I have been watching a lot of music videos lately to fill in time (while doing knitting or something like that, in my case) and I've been getting an urge to jump up and try to copy the dance moves! But I feel a bit daft and silly doing that, so I haven't ... yet!

Beauty Blather

Not much to say right now - could my obsession be waning? I'm really trying to save money at the moment, so I'm trying to cut back on the impulse purchases. I got an email just before Christmas from the Lust Have It mob, saying there will be no beauty box for January (and no charge). I was so disappointed I almost signed up with 'I Love This Box' (even lamer name!) as I heard some good reviews. But I've resisted so far! I'm not saying I'll resist much longer!
Writing up my beauty products inventory (see links in sidebar) has had another consequence that I didn't intend - it's made me realise how many things I have that are reaaaaalllly old. So I determined that I would throw away 5 items - and yesterday I did it! I sometimes have a tendency to hoarding, so this was in the Good Thing category.

And Finally ...

I'm absolutely obsessed with my new iPod Touch and all the apps I can get for it. In the last few days, I got a To-Do List, and one that I can use to track my exercise, weight and blood pressure (not actually measure them, just record them! ehehhe) and pretty much anything else I can customise into it. But I think my favourite one is LaoTzuLite, with wise quotes. I like to bring up a random quote every morning. Here's today's:

Health is the greatest possession.
Contentment is the greatest treasure.
Confidence is the greatest friend.
Non-being is the greatest joy.

Got My Grump On

Hate to start a Thursday morning on a bad note, but I'm grumpy, I had to get up early (/earlier) this morning, and I don't care! I feel fat, frumpy and pouty today. I don't understand how I felt really thin and sporty just a few days ago, and totally the opposite today. I caught a look at myself from the side, in the reflection from a window on the way to work, and I was horrified. I wondered how I could even leave the house looking like that. I just don't understand it. I mean, I wear this top all the time, and I don't remember thinking that last time I wore it. And I feel like crying whenever I think about how I have to stop eating chocolate if I want to lose weight. [insert enormous pout here]


I figure, it's either one of two things:
1. I've put on a whole bunch of weight in the last few days (or I'm retaining water, which is also possible, but considering I hardly drink enough, where did it come from??)
2. I have PMT.
I'm really starting to get jack of this! It's been getting worse over the last year. I swear lately it's been lasting 2 weeks out of every month. I've asked my doctor if there's anything we can do and he's currently doing some research. Watch this space (or not, if this topic makes you queasy. )

Meanwhile ...

The other day I ordered some shapewear, and last night I got a notification that they've been shipped. Hoping they arrive soon! I got them from this site. I first found it a few years ago, but the postage fees were too much for me. Not anymore. Unfortunately they won't arrive before Saturday night (Boy's birthday), but they should arrive before the other special events that're coming up. Part of me feels ashamed that I'm resorting to this kind of thing, but lots of people do it ... right? They utilise the benefits of looking sleeker and feeling less jiggly, so why can't I? I figure - it's just to give me a bit more confidence until I've had a chance to lose a bit of weight for real. Losing weight takes a long time (a very long time in my case, it seems), and I don't want to wait that long to start looking and feeling better.
(The feminist part of me is rolling her eyes and telling me that I shouldn't succumb to society's narrow expectations of how the female form should look. That I should reject the male-dictated status quo and have the courage to love my unique body the way it is.)
(Now the post-feminist part of me is saying, take society's expectations and twist them! In the 21st century, wearing a corset is not shameful or backward, it's a subversion of mainstream expectations, an independent statement of choice, an expression of female power and sexuality!)
(Negative Nancy says: but that only counts if you wear the corset on the outside of your clothes, doesn't it? And you'd never have the guts to do that!)
(ApartmentCat says: guts! Get it? I made a funny! hahah!)

*sighs* No wonder I get so confused sometimes!

Rumblings

Here I am, supposedly back to normal, at work. My tummy still feels kinda queasy, but I'm getting there. Not there enough to resume my proper exercise schedule, but I was motivated enough to get out my old stretching cheatsheet and run through it. I was so stiff after spending 2 days in bed! I'm taking it easy food-wise as well. Mainly toast, fried rice and endless cups of tea. I don't think I've ever drunk so much tea before in my life! And I'm quite liking it.

Here's a random picture that kinda contradicts what I've just stated, but it's just so me. I guess I'm a girl of contradictions!


Source: bluntcard.com via ApartmentCat on Pinterest

Oh Dear

Last week I had a cold, and now I have a bout of food poisoning! So annoyed.
It started this morning soon after I woke up. I've also had a thumping headache most of the day too. So today has been pretty much a write-off. I spent it lying on the couch feeling sorry for myself. The only upshot is that at least I might lose some weight. Bwaahahahah! Not really a funny joke.

Things in Boxes

I've been sick with a cold the last few days. This might sound crazy, but I actually don't mind being sick, most of the time. It gives me an excuse to slow down a bit and not stress out about things. All those things I'd been meaning to do for the last couple of weeks, but haven't? Well, they can wait til next week.
And I have been stressing a bit lately. All those horrible things that I'm heart-poundingly sure are going to happen.... Time to try meditation again, I think.

In better news, Boy bought us some salad boxes. They have all these little compartments, and clip together neatly. It makes eating salad actually fun! I'll post a picture of them when I'm feeling better.

A New Week ... Again

Felt terrible all day yesterday. I didn't think I drank that much on Saturday night! But I did mix champagne and spirits, which is always guaranteed to Royally screw me up.

Did manage to catch up with some friends yesterday, though. Have to admit - lately I always feel jealous when they talk about their latest achievements with their personal trainers or in exercise classes. I adore my friends and I'm proud of their achievements, don't get me wrong. I've noticed I feel the same way whenever I see someone jogging down the street or around the park. I don't want to look like them (especially the men, hah!) - I want to be as fit as them. I see them when I'm on the way to work in the morning, and I'm jealous that they have the time and the energy. I just feel so tired all the time lately. It's been worse the last few weeks. Don't know if it's because I've had bad hayfever most of the time, or I've been staying up later than normal most nights. I'm not going to whinge and complain too much, because it's probably self inflicted! Anyhow, I'm not the type of person to pout and wallow. If there's something I'm unhappy about, I say to myself, "right, what can I do about it?" I treat it like a problem-solving exercise. I write out lists and make decisions. Sometimes I follow through and sometimes I don't, but I usually end up feeling better.

So I had a chat with Boy about it and we decided to go to bed earlier. It seems like most nights when we watch TV, the so-so shows are on earlier, and then our favourite shows are on around-about bedtime. (Yes, it's kinda sad that our lives revolve around TV. They do on weeknights anyway, I'll admit that!) So we're going to go through and set the recorder to tape all of the later ones and watch them earlier in the evening when the so-so shows are on. Then we'll go to bed early like good boys and girls. That's the plan.

I'll make that my weekly focus for at least this week and possibly next week, too. Try and make it a habit. Then in a few weeks' time, I'll look into stepping up my exercise routine. That's the plan.

Sunday Stuff

The weekend! I went out shopping today. Boy and I just needed a bit of a shopping spree to cheer us up, I think. He bought a fancy coffee grinder, and some tea, and we both bought clothes and computer games. Also I bought a salt lamp. I have no idea if it actually has the health benefits that it says on the label, but the changing colours are pretty and relaxing to look at, so that's something! We had cheese on toast for breakfast, and chicken burgers with chips for lunch at the shopping centre. Yeah, not so healthy! I'm still very bad at keeping under control on the weekends. However, instead of going ahead and finishing my burger, I stopped when I was no longer hungry, and didn't eat all my chips either. That was something I realised I needed to start doing again - stop before I get full, not just keep going until it's all gone.

The last few weeks, I was trying to save money by not taking my vitamins. I thought they weren't really important. Not a good idea! Exhibit No. 1: my eczema has gone crazy-bonkers-bananas!! I get it on my left hand, on the palm. Well, it's flared up pretty badly, becomes unbearably itchy a couple of times a day. And a few times I've given in to that and scratched it (or rubbed it against something sort of sharp like the edge of a table) until it no longer itched. Because the skin is so thin, it opened up a fairly large crack. Ooops! It's healing now, but yeah, not so good. Also, I was getting a tingling feeling in the palm of my other hand, and noticed some very small flaky patches. Which is NOT good at all - I haven't had eczema on that hand in years, and I don't want it to start up again! So I'm back to taking my Omega 3-6-9s again. For sure, twice a day, no skipping! It costs money, but it's just not worth the aggro to skip them. Learning it the hard way, silly me!
And who knows what skipping the other vitamins has done to me - I don't even want to think about it!

This week as well, I haven't been too good physically. My hip and lower back have been playing up again. Normally if that happens I just do some stretches and it goes away after a day or two, but not this time. My hip's been like this for almost a week now, on and off. It's worse if I sit still (e.g. at work or on the internet at home - the 2 things I spend the most time doing!!), but it gets better if I move, do gentle walking. It's hard to get started though, because it hurts! I have just been trying to keep in mind though, that it'll get better. Boy and I did a whole bunch of walking as part of our shopping spree today. We decided to walk around the whole place, and it took hours! I'm surprised we didn't buy more, actually. ;) The computer game I bought was a Kinect game (of course!) - I might play a bit later on after I've washed my hair tonight.

I've just now found this Body Peace Pledge as I was surfing around, and I thought it was pretty cool. The pledge is posted on the Seventeen Magazine website. Part of me thinks it's rather sad that I'm getting advice from a magazine aimed at teenagers - I'm 35 years old for heck's sake, surely I would have worked all of this out by now??! When I was younger, I just assumed that things would naturally get easier as I got older. But often I feel like I'm taking 1 step forward, 2 steps back, like the old saying goes. I believe that everyone is on their own path, some are further along it than others, everyone has setbacks, everyone is doing the best they know how. And actually, as I think a bit more about the points on the pledge, I'm doing much better than I was just a few years ago. I used to get so hurt when I saw a disgusted look on someone's face when I was walking down the street, and so angry when I saw a pitying look. For a long time, I just refused to look people in the face at all. I would wear my ipod so I couldn't hear any comments, and didn't wear my glasses so all the faces were just a blur, if I did happen to accidentally break my habit and start looking at people.

A few months ago, I started to realise how sad that really is! How awful is that?! I used to love people-watching! I used to love wandering around the city, just looking at all the buildings. I had given that up completely. So I have started to be brave again and I wear my glasses, and I look at people, look them in the face even, sometimes! And if they choose to notice me, think or feel something about me, choose to let that thought or feeling show on their face - that's their business, not mine!

I do still wear my ipod though, cos I love listening to music. ;)

This post was transferred from calorieking.com.au

A Few Things

Been wanting to eat all morning. Can't stop thinking about food. It must be the comfort factor. Haven't been going too well with my Focus this week either. Still have that thought that I can't stop and relax or meditate, I have to always be doing something. Though half the time, that something ends up being watching TV or surfing the internet. Which is kinda relaxing in its own way, but not fulfulling, and definitely not in the spirit of what I'm trying to do. This morning I woke up early and was lying in bed, trying to get back to sleep and hearing strange noises in the lounge and wondering if it was just the cat or if it was robbers coming to steal my laptop or something! For a second I almost contemplated counting that in as relaxing time ... who am I kidding? How desperate must I be??!

My colitis is starting to settle down a bit too, thank goodness, after over a month of being all hinky. Ironically, I started taking a lower dose of my medication, and that's when it started to settle. Sometimes I feel like a human guinea pig - I've had colitis for over 5 years now and still experimenting with different medications and different doses. But other factors also affect it a lot, especially stress. Which is why I decided to try (again) to start a regular relaxation/meditation ... thingy. (Don't really have a problem with the word 'practice', but I somehow feel it's wrong for me personally to use it yet - it should only be used by people who are better at it than I am. Is that a bit wierd?)

Anyway, I have a long history of giving up on things, even when I know they're doing me good, and even when I enjoy them. Like Yoga Wednesday. Or painting symbols that express my feelings. Or my Bed-to-Couch jogging programme. Well, that last one was because I got sick, but I still continued walking. I keep telling myself, "you gotta step it up, you gotta do more, if you want to lose weight". "You gotta start exercising harder, stop eating dessert, etc etc" I feel like I'm in cruise-control mode at the moment. I'm doing the things that are easy. I don't have the energy and/or motivation to do the things that're hard lately. I'm wanting to feel that sense of satisfaction I get from refusing to eat something unhealthy. The need for comfort is winning out more. I hope things will change soon.

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Tuesday Observations

I've started eating my boiled egg in the mornings again this week, and I'm noticing the difference already. So I definitely think it's worth it. I have more energy, and get less hungry at breakfast and at morning tea time. My portion of porridge or yoghurt doesn't seem so small, either.

Went for a nice walk after work last night, but my legs got sore soon after I set out. They were sore most of the evening as well. I've also been having pain in the back of my knee, like a nerve pain. I was a bit worried. I'll mention it to the chiropractor on the weekend.

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Blech!

Well, blech! I've been feeling all blecchy lately. I feel tired, weak and stiff. And I'm sick of it! No wonder, really. I only did proper exercise 1 day last week. Did do quite a few mail runs (the ones that involve a 20min walk - I've timed it - they sort of half-count). But no proper exercise. I'm sick of feeling this way! And finally weighed myself this morning after getting new batteries for the scales - and I've put on 1.5kgs. Blergh. I guess it could have been worse though, but still - I'd rather see the scales going down than up. I'm never going to lose a satisfactory amount of weight by November!! And why is it always so cold and dark? I don't feel like exercising cos, by the time I get home, it's dark. And cold. Blergh! When will winter end??!

Sorry about all the whingeing ... Now what can I do about it??

I haven't been eating my boiled egg every morning recently, and I've really been noticing the difference. Boy says he has, too. I have less energy, and when I get to work, I'm absolutely starving. So I'm going to make sure I have my egg every morning.

This week I made my Focus: "To exercise every day to the best of my ability." Maybe it sounds a bit wussy when I put it that way, but was feeling really tired yesterday when I decided on it, and I think I just wanted to give myself a bit of a break, and not beat myself up too much if I don't do some crazy, pumped-up workout every single day. I know that I'm probably feeling so tired because I haven't done any exercise lately, it's like a vicious circle, but it can be fixed!

Another funny thing is - last night I made my own butter. No idea what got into me! Butter, so unhealthy. But more healthy than margarine, some say. It was interesting anyway. So we're using a little in our mashed potato, and the buttermilk we're saving to make maybe pancakes or scones. I eat less bread than I used to, so using less margarine anyway. Or is that just an excuse?

Seeing as I've put on weight, I can't keep on thinking like this.

Later That Day ...

Really gotta lose weight. That's what I keep thinking to myself. I've been lucky so far. But if I get a job where I have to wear more formal clothes to work, then I'll be very unhappy. I look terrible in a shirt. The buttons down the front make my tummy look bigger. If I get one that's loose, I look like a solid block, and if I get one that's fitted, I don't fill it out up top, and I look like a solid block with puffs of fabric on it. So that's why I keep thinking, the only solution to this is to lose weight. The more it seems like I might have to get a different job, the more stressed out I'm getting about this particular point. Gotta lose weight, that's the only way to solve this problem. I don't really hate my body, I just hate the way it looks. Hm, does that make sense? I'm a bit worried that it doesn't.

Off for a walk now!

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She's Back

Wow, it's been a while since I lasted posted. Things have been going along pretty quietly. My colitis has been playing up all this week, so I've been feeling sick. One day I felt so sick and nauseous that I didn't eat very much at all after breakfast. Think it might have been something to do with a new tablet I was taking. Stopped taking it and I'm slowly starting to feel better. It's a herbal one, not an essential one, so it's no big deal if I drop it. I'll talk to my specialist next time I see her and get it sorted. Also, I fell over on Weds morning and hurt myself. I was rushing to get to the tram stop cos I was late for work, and stepped half over the edge of the garden path and sprained my ankle. My hip's all out of alignment and just feeling wrong generally. I'm going to see the chiro tomorrow, hopefully that'll fix me up. In the meantime though, I've done hardly any exercise. Well, none at all technically, except for mail runs at work and a bit of stretching to stop my ankle and hips from locking up. Last week I was all geared up to start exercising more again, doing my weights training and other activities, but I've been bowled over again by these things. I'm forcing myself to take it easy and not get too worried about not exercising 'enough'. I need time to heal. It's a bit of a relief, really - it was so hard motivating myself to exercise in such cold and dark weather. It's nice to have an excuse to rest for a bit, I have to admit. At least I've been eating healthy this week. (Except for my one downfall, dessert! But Boy and I've made some modifications to make it healthier.)

Been reading a bit more of the Weight Loss for Food Lovers book yesterday. This section introduces Low-GI foods. (Or Low-GL foods as the up-to-date peoples are calling it now.) I'm all for them and I think it's great that he mentions them. I know I certainly feel better and have more energy when I eat Low-GL. His explanation of what they are is easy to understand and he refers to some cookbooks and gives some suggestions of Low-GI items to eat. In line with this theory of Restriction, he says that it's OK to eat non-GL foods sometimes as well (in small amounts). I find this to be a bit contradictory, because in the first part of the book he says: you can eat whatever you want, you shouldn't ever feel restricted or deprived. But then he keeps on saying you should only eat small portions of your one chosen High Sacrifice Food (as he calls them), and only at certain times. And only your chosen one, not any others. And he sometimes refers to these foods (doughnuts, chips, chocolate etc.) as "suicide foods", which I find kind of disturbing. I thought we weren't supposed to think of some foods as 'good' and others 'bad'? I thought that sort of thing was unhealthy for our mental well-being? And now in this section, he seems to be extending the label of High Sacrifice to any food that has too many carbohydrates. The range of what we can eat and when is narrowing by the chapter!
It seems he starts almost every chapter out by asserting something sensible, but then draws a twisted conclusion from it. It's driving me nuts! Still, I read on.

I just got hold of an article from Choice magazine from about 6 months ago (a bit old, I know) on weight loss myths. I'll have a thorough read and report back soon!

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It's Friday, People!

Woohoo, it's Friday!

Last night I logged on to Forum on the CCA (Crohn's and Colitis Australia) website for the first time, and I'm glad I did. There's not a huge amount of chat yet, it's only been around a couple of months, but it's really good to read about other people who have Colitis. The best part was the Ask an Expert section. I found out a few interesting things. The type of medicine I'm on is not actually an immuno-suppressant, it's only an anti-inflammatory. So I don't have to worry any more about having a depressed immune system. I'm still going to take my Mum's advice ("make like Howard Hughes!") though because I've only gotten a cold once since I started doing that, and I used to get sick quite a lot. So it seems to work.

The other interesting thing I read was about the risk of bowel cancer. Well, when I first got Colitis I read that there's a much higher risk (30% of sufferers will get it given enough time) and it's always been in the back of my mind ever since. But last night I read that it all depends on how much of your digestive system is affected and how much of the time the area is inflamed. I have a much lower risk than people with Crohn's because the inflammation is limited to the colon whereas for people with Crohn's, it can be anywhere along the whole doo-whacky. Which is very sad for them. The other important thing is keeping the inflammation to a minimum. So as long as I keep my tummy nice and calm, the risk isn't much higher than the general population.
Interesting stuff.

As for keeping the tummy calm, well sometimes I feel like I'm my own guinea pig. :) Since I started Bye Bye Fructose on Monday, I've only felt sick once, and I'm pretty sure that was an unrelated thing, so I think I'm doing pretty well. I'm also taking all the vitamins, etc that my specialist has told me to take (for once) no matter what the cost, so I'm hoping to feel pretty good, pretty soon!

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Statistics Time

I'm a statistics nerd, so I thought I'd do a bit of a statistical overview of my tracker last week. So:

* I ate my pre-breakfast boiled egg 5 days out of 7.
* I ate healthy breakfast 5 days out of 7.
* I ate healthy morning tea 6 days out of 7. (2 days I didn't have any at all; I count that as healthy. And if it weren't for the Greatest Morning Tea on Weds, I would have gotten 100%!)
* I ate healthy lunch 4 days out of 7.
* I ate healthy afternoon tea 3 days out of 7. (And even one of those was doubtful.)
* I ate healthy dinner 5 days out of 7.
* I ate healthy dessert 0 days out of 7. (oops; my biggest downfall!)
* I exercised 4 days out of 7. (all 4 days were walking - so much for my plan to do more diverse activities this week!)
* I did a relaxing/creative/pampering activity 6 days out of 7. (computer games don't count! )
* My average score over the whole week was 65%.

That's pretty much confirmed what I suspected. I do great at work, but as soon as I get home, I turn into a mindless, food-devouring monster! Monday's my best day, and as the week goes on, I keep on sliding until I'm a messy puddle on the weekend. I don't eat as much on the weekend (I usually skip morning tea and sometimes breakfast and afternoon tea as well) but most of what I do eat is unhealthy. And my greatest weakness is dessert! I have a strong emotional thing going on. All day I think to myself, "right, tonight I'm just going to have a cup of tea ... a cup of tea ... just a cup of tea ... " Then, about half an hour after dinner, the thought of not getting anything sweet to eat is so pathetic that I just wanna cry! I'm such a sad-sack!! So I have to think of a way to break this cycle.

In Other News ...

I've also been sick quite a lot in the last week. I've really tried to eat more fruit lately, but seeing as I have fructose malabsorption, I really have to be careful what fruits I eat and check products for high-fructose corn syrup. Since I found out I had this, nearly a year ago now, I haven't worried about it too much. But now that I'm eating more fruit, I'm noticing I'm getting sick more. So I think it's time to look at my plan, here!

As for the other thing I wanted to improve on last week - drinking more water - I did manage to drink 5 or 6 glasses each day during the week. Again, though, on the weekend... meh!

So this week I'd like to: continue to drink at least 6 glasses of water, EVERY day; make a list of fructose-safe fruits and stick to only eating them; and exercise (no matter what type) at least 5 days.

((Um, I didn't really intend to have weekly goals, but there you go. ))

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Fructose Worries

Been doing fairly well so far this week, even though I've been in an eating mood. I just want to eat all the time. On the plus side, I've been eating lots of fruit lately! I think my body isn't used to it, cos I'm feeling the effects. If you know what I mean. :) I'm thinking with my fructose intolerance it might be wise to re-check the fructose level in some of the fruits I'm eating. I get stomach cramps when I've eaten too much - and I've been getting cramps the last few days. Work and some other things have been pretty stressful as well, that might be having an effect.

Later On ...

Just googled and found out figs are high in fructose. Bummer, I was really enjoying them. But apparently dried figs are much lower, so perhaps I'll try them. The fresh ones were starting to get a bit expensive anyway....

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