Today is Wednesday

Today is Wednesday: Hump Day as the wage slaves and salarymen call it. And I include myself amongst that group! Aside from feeling particularly cynical today, I'm revved up to go on a nice, long elephant-finding walk after work! I've got my shoes of speediness, clothes of casualness and backpack of lugginess all ready! I need to stop off and buy water of re-hydratedness and snack of energy-replenishingness, but other than that, I'm all organised! I'm fairly tired today (though not as bad as some days), and my back hurts a bit, but I'm still feeling motivated. I really hope I'll still feel that way at knock-off time!
Also, the weather forecast is looking a bit dodgy (winds, possible thunderstorm) so I'll keep an eye on the Bureau throughout the afternoon. I've been known to walk in the rain before, so it won't necissarily put me off if it's not too heavy. The sun is out at the moment though, so perhaps I'll be OK!

Meanwhile ...

I'm not quite half-way through my Baby Elephant Walk challenge yet, and I'm already thinking about ways I can keep my motivation high after I finish it. I did a 'normal' (non-elephant-finding) walk at lunch time yesterday, and I was thinking it would be a bit sad if that effort just got forgotten about. I wanted to channel it into a new goal or challenge. I thought to myself: I'll do a virtual Walk Around Australia! That's a bit far, maybe Walk Around Victoria! Walk Around Melbourne??!Hmmm. I did a bit of googling last night, and there are also various hiking tracks and other famous routes that you can 'walk' virtually. It works like this: every time you go for a walk, no matter where or when, you measure the distance you walked and super-impose that on the famous route. Then you can be like, "I made it to Paris today!" when in actuality you never left your own neighbourhood. Sounds like fun!

One website I found has quite a few routes already mapped out - and when you reach certain goals, you get sent a newsletter with interesting facts and some with recipes from the region you're 'walking' through. It sounds really good, but there's a membership fee, so I'll have to think about it. Then there's another site advertising Walktober, which is an initiative where people walk (obviously) and then enter their details on the site and the aim is to collectively walk to the moon. It's measured in number of steps though, and I can't be arsed faffing around with a pedometer again. Been there, done that, threw it against a wall. (In reality I put it in a drawer, but I was so frustrated with it that I felt like doing that!) I'm sure there are other sites out there, and I could always draw up my own routes. (I get to pore over maps, yay!)

I'm putting way too much thought into this at the moment, considering - as I mentioned earlier - I'm not even half-way through the Baby Elephant Walk challenge yet. I'd like to waffle on for a bit about food too, but I'll save that for tomorrow.

Good morning sunshine.

Good morning sunshine.
Well, I can't decide if I'm feeling optimistic or pessimistic today. On the one hand, the sun is shining, spring is beginning, I'm in the mood to get out there and move my body and experience the world and the fresh air. On the other hand, I feel really mentally tired today. One of my colleagues has been away sick, so I was even more busy yesterday. I felt good in the morning yesterday, but by the time I finished work, I was exhausted. Today, I don't even feel good in the morning, so I'm expecting to be even more exhausted tonight. But ... I felt good in the morning yesterday! Which is a development. Sometimes I get extremely frustrated by the fact that, when I do have energy and feel like doing something physical in the mornings, it just happens to be when I've just arrived at work and I have to sit on my butt for the next 8 hours and while away all my energy doing worky things. But ... such is the dilemma for millions of office workers all around the world. There's no point whingeing about it, I need to find ways to solve it, or work around it.

Meanwhile ...

Last night I discovered Fitblrs. They're Tumblr blogs with Fitspiration. I didn't go looking for them: I found them after linking from some fashion tumblrs that I like to look at. (It seems that in many people's minds, fashion and weight loss are inextricably linked, which I think is very sad.) I'd certainly heard of thinspiration before, but I was never interested in it, with it's awful quotes about how eating even one mouthful of certain foods will ruin your life, etc. I'm sure there are positive inspirations in there as well, but it's not the kind of inspiration that works on me. As I mentioned the other day, I seem to be more motivated by goals of becoming fitter rather than goals of losing weight. And I'm much more into anything positive (moving towards) than negative (moving away). I'm not about to chuck a whole bunch of fitblrs onto my my reader - I already have waaaay too many blogs on there already - but I did have a bit of a peruse last night. There were lots of pictures of yummy healthy foods, people doing exercise, and inspirational quotes. The photos of ladies in elaborate yoga poses were kinda intimidating. And ladies with manly 6-pack abs. But in general I found them pretty inspiring. If I find some I really like, I might add a few to my inspirational links page. In fact, afterwards I even did some work with my weights! In my jammies, sitting on my fit ball in front of an episode of The X-Files.
I also found 3 more elephant models yesterday, though I'll do a separate post on that later.

Thoughts

I'm feeling a bit strange today. I still feel like I'm on the verge of doing something. Does it still count if you're feeling motivated, but you haven't actually done what you're motivated to do, yet? =) Unfortunately I won't have time to do a lunchtime walk today, didn't yesterday and won't have time tomorrow, either. That can get a bit frustrating when you just want some fresh air!

For some strange reason, last night I decided to have a look at the fat acceptance blogs on my reader. I hadn't looked at them in months. I only look at them when I feel a certain way, or when I want to feel a certain way. The last few weeks, I've been busy and stressed. Stressed about many things, not the least of which is clothes! There are some social occasions coming up. Occasions where what I wear will be important. Important to other people, and to me. I feel there will be other women there who'll be paying attention to what I'm wearing. Not my close friends, of course, but I think there'll be some who are interested in what "the fat chick" is wearing, and comparing themselves to me. Finding points where they're 'better' than me to make themselves feel better. I know women do it all the time, heck, I sometimes find myself doing it!Often when I see another fat girl in public, I look to see what she's wearing, etc. And often I see her looking at me and I wonder if she's doing the same. And I think, why can't we be friends and support each other, instead of playing off each other like that??
There's also the comic convention coming up in a few weeks. Husband is dead-set on going. I dream about one day wearing a beautiful outfit, but then I think that I'm still too big and people will laugh at me and I'll wait til next year when I've lost some weight and that'll be better and I'll enjoy it more. I get really mad at myself when I start thinking like that. How long am I going to have to wait for my life to start??
And then of course, there's my holiday to hot climes which I'm still totally unprepared for, not only clothes-wise but mentally. I mean, I haven't worn my bathers at all in about 2 years, and we signed up for a Barrier Reef activity which will involve me being in them half the day! What was I thinking!? I suggested to Husband that we go to the pool a few times before the holiday, to get me used to being in them and hopefully feeling comfortable around other people in them. Do other people have to do that, or is that just me?? =)
Strange really, when I think about it. I feel more comfortable getting around in my bathers in front of a bunch of people on a pontoon, than I do being fully dressed in front of a bunch of anime fans. I'm a very strange person, aren't I?

I don't want to lose weight to become sexier or have people notice me. On the contrary! Many fat people say they feel invisible, but I feel the opposite! It draws so much attention - attention that I don't want. All I want is to fit in, to melt into a crowd and become invisible. To live anonymously in the city without any hassle or trouble, without anyone noticing me. But no matter how hard I try, I can't do that. I could dress as boring and slobby as possible, with no makeup, but people would still do a double-take when they saw me. I just want to be normal.

Anyway, so I guess last night I was just looking for a bit of validation. And well, I didn't find it. But I understand why. I don't fit into the Fat Acceptance movement, because it's about valuing yourself (and having other people value you) the way you are, without changing. They're not interested in reduction, and that's perfectly fine. Everyone is on a different path. I don't fit into the Healthy At Every Size movement, either, because frankly, I'm not really healthy. Plus, reading about HAES makes me realise that, although I say I want to do physical activity for the fun and health of it, deep down inside I still have the ulterior motive of hoping that I'll lose weight along the way. And being disappointed if I don't. So it seems a bit wrong to get involved in that. I also tried reading a few weight loss blogs a while back, and realised I didn't fit in with them, either. I couldn't relate to the attitude they took, the inspirations they used didn't inspire me at all. The goals they have are too out-of-reach for me, and the methods of achieving them too torturous. I just don't seem to fit in anywhere. But I'm used to feeling like I'm different, that's nothing new.

One thing I can certainly say about reading the fat acceptance etc blogs is that it makes me think about things! It seems I'm still struggling with my stated aim of "accepting myself the way I am, and losing weight at the same time". I wonder if that's even possible! If you were happy, there'd be no reason to change, would there?
Anyway, I have to get back to work now. I don't have time to think about this anymore right now. Perhaps on the weekend!

So this is Thursday.

So this is Thursday. Nearly the end of the week, and only one sleep til I can sleep in. Yes, it's kind of sad that ones of the highlights of my weekend will be getting to sleep in, but we all have to start somewhere, right? Last Saturday morning I was so happy to be able to stay in bed, that I played Pocket Planes for a while, then I had a nap, then I finished the graphic novel I was reading. I was in bed til about 11.30! How decadent! Normally I'd beat myself up about it, telling myself that I was wasting the day and I had better things to do. But really, what would I have been doing? Sitting on my butt and surfing the internet and eating unhealthy food, not doing exercise or housework or anything I should be doing. I think I've been beating myself up less lately because I'm more realistic. I know that most of the things on my To-Do list are horribly overdue, but many of them are things that aren't really important, like paint my toenails. I just don't feel like doing that right now, and that's OK. I'll do it when I feel like it. Other things are admittedly more important, like exercising and keeping my budget up-to-date. Part of me thinks, "Oh well, I'll just do those things when I feel like it as well, it's no biggie". Another part of me thinks, "No, those are really important to do regularly, you should push yourself, no matter how much you can't be bothered." Either way, nothing's been getting done! Or I do something once, pat myself on the back and don't do it again. But that can't go on forever, can it!

I still feel like I'm on the verge of a change (big or not so big, I don't know). Not, like, quit-my-job big, more like an internal change. I know I've been saying that for a while, but I still feel it. For ages I've been avoiding things - I've been eating unhealthy foods without thinking about it. Exercising just a little bit each week, and telling myself it's enough. Filing away the inspirational emails from Mind Coach without reading them. Not reading the inspirational blogs that I used to read, either. Looking through fashion magazines and wishing I could wear the clothes now, and feeling bad and hating my life. I know it's going to take up to two years to get to the weight I want. The longer I put off starting, the longer it'll take til I get to my goal. So why am I putting it off?? I'm getting more and more frustrated and I really feel like something's going to snap soon. 'Snap' is probably too strong a word, but you know what I mean. Changes.

In Other News....

Last night I had a really strange dream. I dreamed that I visited a Japanese style bathhouse. It was a mixed one for men and women. I don't know if mixed ones even exist any anymore - since the U.S. entered Japan in the 19th century, they decided that mixed bathing was wrong and dirty and made all the bathhouses build separate sections for men and women (even though it was not perceived as sexual at all by the Japanese). Anyway, so this bathhouse was a mixed one. And I want to stress, there was nothing sexual at all about it. So I went in and started doing my bathing business, and there were 2 guys in there. It all just seemed completely normal and I felt fine. I even got into a chat with one of the guys and we talked about all sorts of stuff, including body image. I found out that he had a lot of the same issues I have - it was really interesting to find out that someone who was so different in many ways, could have the same feelings and worries. I felt really relaxed and was having a nice time talking.
Then some more people entered the bathing room. About 10 people entered all at once, and even though the room was quite large, it felt really crowded all of a sudden. The new people were a mixture of men and women, and all of them were young and fit. I suddenly started to feel really self-conscious. I couldn't help comparing myself to them (mostly the women, but also the men as well with their fitness). I stopped chatting and couldn't think of anything to say. All the negative feelings I have about my body just flooded in. It was overwhelming and I just wanted to get out of there. And that was how the dream ended.

It was a pretty depressing dream in the end, but I think it was one of those dreams that's trying to tell me something. You know - stop comparing myself to other people; stop beating myself up; find ways to love and accept myself; seek out people with similar issues. All that jazzy.

I was going to write a long section about why this just seems impossible right now - with work being so busy and feeling so stressed and tired, it seems like a hard slog. But I'm not going to, because I guess I know deep down inside that it's all just a bunch of whingeing excuses. I've always tried not to make excuses - or at least face up to what they really are when I find myself doing it. Regardless, I don't have time to think about all this right now. I'll sit down on the weekend and really think about it, and draw up a plan of the things I can do, the steps I can take.... Will take?? I've done more than enough over-sharing for a Thursday.

Monday again

Here I am again, another Monday. I can't remember for sure, but I wouldn't be surprised if my last post was on a Monday too, with a lot of whingeing and whining! Yet in some ways, I feel different. Perhaps that's not true, but some things have changed since last week, anyway. My colleague at work resigned very suddenly. It was a bit of a shock to all of us, and we have to quickly scramble to figure out how to get all the work done until we can find a replacement. Plus we had become good friends, so I'll miss her a lot.

So there are some changes at the moment. I've been assured that I shouldn't have to work extra hours, so that's OK. The main thing will be stress and worrying about getting more work done in the same amount of time, and not forgetting anything. Traditionally I've been pretty bad at managing stress. I'm the kind of person that wakes up in the middle of the night with a jolt thinking "Did I remember to check the fax??" Heck, I even worry about how much I'm going to worry!

I've had a feeling for a while now that I wanted things to change - wanted to change in myself. And right now I feel like it's more important than ever, for my own health - both physical and mental. Forget about losing x kgs before my holiday to Queensland, forget about being able to fit into pretty clothes, forget about people staring at my wobbling tummy as I walk down the street. I just want to be happy and calm and relatively stress-free.

Can you believe it, but lately I've had cravings for steamed broccoli, with just a bit of furikaki sprinkled on top. And I have urges to go for long walks around my neighbourhood, like I used to do before I got a full-time job.

Last night I read an inspirational blog post about a Japanese lady called Tsuneko Sasamoto. She's 97 and still works at her job as a photojournalist. She still has lots of energy, and she looks a lot younger than her age as well. When asked, she had 3 reasons for her longevity and health:

1. she eats very good quality food, and spends as much on food as others might on fashion or beauty products. At night, she only eats meat and vegetables, and no rice or bread with it. She drinks a glass of red wine every night.
2. she makes sure to think and be creative every day. She decorates her home in a modern style, she's interested in modern fashion and of course her job as a photographer allows her to be creative.
3. she's curious and takes an active interest in the world around her. She reads the newspaper every day, and keeps a notebook of things she wants to research more.

I would also add thinking positive to this list, after reading what she says about feeling lonely - she lives alone, so if she ever feels lonely while eating dinner, she looks at the moon through her window and sees the moon as her dinner companion. What a lovely way to view things!



I really love inspirational stories like this, about real people living real lives. To follow her advice doesn't cost hundreds of dollars or involve doing anything extraordinary. Just living a healthy, engaged lifestyle.

How can I make that happen?

Back!

Back again already! I guess I just feel like writing at the moment. In fact, I even started writing this post yesterday, I was that eager. A few things -

* I mentioned to my chiropractor the thing with my knees and he seems to have different ideas about what's wrong; I'm having x-rays done on Friday. Though since he adjusted my knees they haven't been hurting as much, and it feels more like the pain of tight muscles. Which is more familiar, less scary and hopefully will be easier to fix.

* Speaking of adjustments, the ergonomics man came to our office last week, and he sorted us all out. Things were lowered, other things were lifted up, other things were gotten rid of. It's going to take a bit of getting used to, but I felt more comfortable immediately! He also recommended a new chair for me in his report. *pumps fist in the air and says, 'yesssssss'* He showed me how to adjust it when it comes, as well. I love the ergonomics man! (Not in that way, in an ergonomic-y way. Ahem.).

* I went for a walk at lunch time yesterday. The first in 2 weeks. It must have been meant to be - it was dry (though cold) and a pale sun was edging out from behind the clouds. Yet just after time lunch time was over, the clouds had closed in again and it was wet. Not just wet, but the rain was slanting sideways past my window. If I had the time, I'd imagine the foggy clouds were drifting, not past the grey monoliths of my city, but the infinitely more majestic craggy mountains of the Scottish highlands.
Eugh, sorry, don't know what came over me there.

* I've been really wanting to eat vegetables at the moment, too. Just get a whole bunch, roast em up in a tin, and eat em! Broccoli soup with parmesan, it sounds delicious. I've been trawling Pinterest looking for inspirational pictures of healthy winter foods. Yesterday morning when I was really tired (fall-asleep-at-the-desk tired) I bought myself a chocolate bar, thinking I'd really be wanting it after lunch. But strangely enough, I didn't eat it. I snipped the wrapper open with a pair of scissors, and I just sniffed it whenever I felt stressed. But the thought of actually eating it made me feel a bit queasy. I didn't feel like eating chocolate! I'm kind of freaking myself out here! =D I wonder how long an opened chocolate bar lasts until it goes off? Or at least no longer smells good??

* I'm feeling more positive than I have in a long time. I even started a craft project! I'm starting to think that things could actually happen. Reading some of my favourite blogs last night, I came across this post by Mana Starre: Weight Loss Tips: Ones That Worked for Me. I've been reading her blog for a couple of years. She lost 10kgs so far, is half-way to her goal, and can now fit into her dream La Parfait dress! Using sensible methods, all while studying in her last year of high school, and with a boyfriend who's addicted to junk food. I'm not at the same stage of life as her (and not into the same type of fashion), but darrrrnit, if she can do it, so can I! It also made me remember that I was going to set up an inspirational links page. Now may be the time to start!

* Here's a recipe for a basic iced green tea that I found:

* 4 cups boiling water
* 8 green tea bags
* 2 cups cold water
* 1/2 cup Splenda or other artificial sweetener

Directions:

1. In a saucepan, pour boiling water over tea bags; cover and steep 5 minutes.
2. Remove tea bags from water, squeezing gently.
3. Stir in 2 cups cold water and sweetener, stirring until sweetener dissolves.
4. Serve with ice and optional fruit.

From here.

And the Winner Is...

Remember how I mentioned that I took part in the Race Around Oz virtual walk for my workplace well-being programme? I got the funky free pedometer and all? Well, I did my duty and recorded my steps every day. I got really sick of wearing the pedometer, so I did the sensible thing - I wore it for the first few days to get an baseline number of steps for normal work day, normal weekend day, etc. Then I just wore it when I was doing anything different or unusual e.g. exercising, going to the shops, looking at houses, etc. I just added the extra number of steps I did on to the average. I was really careful not to plump up the numbers, in fact I even subtracted a couple of hundred steps here and there so it wouldn't seem like I was cheating.

We all have the best of intentions, but in the end I only did proper cardio exercise 2 or 3 times during the month. We got a sheet which explained how to convert other types of exercise into steps (e.g. swimming, weights, etc.) so I dutifully used it to convert the 2 short toning sessions I did.

Well, guess what?? I was astounded to find at the end that I'd walked over 190kms in the course of the (almost a) month! I couldn't believe it! I mean, I did go for just a couple of walks, and I did go on a couple of mammoth 2-3 hour shopping trips to the local mega-centre, but ... wow!

And not only that but ... I won the competition! I was gobsmacked!
I logged on to the website every couple of days to enter in my details and every single time I was at the top of the leaderboard. I thought, oh yeah, everyone else probably has their stats written down somewhere and is going to enter them in at some point. But even on the last day I was still at the top! I beat the regular walkers, the gym junkies, everyone!

I'm 100% sure that I didn't actually walk/exercise more than anyone else who entered. Don't get me wrong, I'm not putting myself down, I'm just being realistic. I don't go to the gym, I don't work out regularly. I spend the weekends at home on the internet. I heard a few of the others mentioned that they got sick of wearing the pedometer and gave up. So I feel like I won on false pretenses. I'm glad there was no official announcement or handover or anything, because I would have been highly embarrassed.

Negative Nancy says:
the fattest person in the whole place, winning an exercise competition?? She must have cheated!!

Either that, or everyone else exercises even less than I do! (And those that exercise more didn't have the time or diligence to do the competition properly.)

In truth, I put my win entirely down to good record-keeping, and an ingrained impulse to do what other people expect of me. Nevertheless, I won this prize, which is actually pretty sweet:



It's a waterbottle ; microfibre towel ; hand sanitiser ; healthy eating cookbook ; and nude food mover lunchbox. It's a much better prize than I expected. I will try to accept it with grace.

Meanwhile ...

Last night I found this website called The Purpose Fairy. It has posts like:
15 Things You Should Give Up To Be Happy
Give Up Your Self-Defeating Self-Talk
3 Golden Rules For A Better Life
Maybe I was feeling a bit hippie last night, but there were a few bits that I found quite inspiring.
I've started to collect quite a few inspiring links. I'm thinking of putting them together on a special page.

Cheerio!

Thinking Time

I've been 'away' for a little bit, haven't I? Time just flies by.

Since I started my new job, I honestly feel like time has been going ten times as fast as normal. I tell a friend I'll call or email the next day, and all of a sudden a week has passed. My to-do list is clogged with overdue to-do's. Things pop up on my calendar with alarming suddenness. It's really kinda crazy.

I have to admit, things haven't been going so well lately. I'm still bogged down with feeling tired all the time. I haven't been eating as well lately, either. I don't have the energy to put the effort and organisation in that it needs. At least I've started working on some craft projects again, which always makes me happier.

Things have started happening in my head though. I've had some dreams lately which are clearly trying to tell me something important. I tend to have a habit of pushing those kind of deep thoughts/ideas away, because I don't have time to think them through properly. 99% of my personal journal entries end with "... and I don't have time to finish because I have to ..." (sometimes with swear words thrown in!) It became extremely frustrating, so I've been writing in my journal less and less lately. Not at all, in fact. I've stopped writing, stopped thinking, stopped trying to change. I've been doing it for years, in fact. And things have been slowly going downhill to a point where I'm completely in denial.

The dreams and discussions I've been having lately have brought things to the forefront, though. Perhaps things have gotten so bad that my subconscious is going, "I'm sick of this crap! That's enough!" Who knows? What will happen next? Who knows?

Just tonight I found this blog post by the gorgeous Stephanie Zwicky, comedienne and style icon of Paris. I'm a regular stalker on her blog. The highly personal post explains her life story and relationship to her body/weight, and is called
My Body I Love You. (It's translated from French so the grammar isn't perfect, but the message certainly gets across.) This link is added to my inspirational link list!

A Whirlwind!

Hello!

What an interesting weekend I've had. Boy and I decided to have a quiet one and relax. We were channel-surfing on the TV and came across a documentary about an Australian guy who had a rare disease, had found a way to improve his condition, and was going around the U.S., trying to find others with the same disease and help them. I missed the start, so I didn't really know what it was all about. Turns out, it was Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead. I'd vaguely heard about it before, and hadn't thought very much about it. I figured it was probably some anti-body-diversity propaganda that would make me really angry. After all, the title is a bit provocative. I'm fat, yes, but I'm not sick and I'm certainly not nearly dead!

However, it was a very good thing that I got to watch it with no pre-conceptions. The doco was about one man, Phil, whom the Australian guy (Joe) met at a truck stop. He was, unfortunately, just like the title says. He was portrayed very sympathetically. Joe showed Phil what he had done to lose weight and help to improve his Urticaria (a skin disease that causes unbearable itchiness and blisters). The answer was, basically, a complete diet overhaul featuring freshly squeezed juices. Phil was, not just overweight, but sick too, and knew he was in trouble, so he asked for help. I really felt for him. I'm not as big as him, and not really sick, but I certainly related to when he talked about just not caring.
Phil took a holiday from his job as a truck driver, and went to stay in a small town by the lake. He went on a 're-boot' diet, eating/drinking nothing but fruit and vegetable juices for 30 days. He felt so fantastic that he decided to continue for another 30 days! He swam and walked every day - only a little at first, but it was so impressive to see him building slowly up. He went from struggling up 4 steps, to actually jogging! He looked absolutely fantastic afterwards. And of course was much healthier. It was so amazing and inspiring!

Well, obviously I can't take 2 months off work, and I'd go completely bananas-insane if I ate/drank nothing but juice for 2 months, but! The next day I went out and bought myself a juicer! I love it so much! Here's a picture of the model I got:



It's so sweet! It demolishes the fruit and vegges in a whirlwind of power! It sounds just like a woodchipper when you send something hard through it like a carrot or apple. Boy and I have had some great sessions throwing combinations of stuff in and seeing how it tastes. It's fun as well as healthy, and not only that, I got $40 off! Grandma would be proud.

Also! See the spout that comes out the left hand side? That's for all the fruit and vegge pulp. You can use the pulp in soups, stews, curries, etc. Boy and I love that sort of semi-frugal handiness.

Last night, we made fruit juice after dinner, with melon, apple, nectarines, a bit of carrot and ginger. It was delicious! Then after I drank it, I thought a little bit about having dessert. But then I didn't feel like it.

I didn't feel like eating dessert, people! Wow!

I'll just let that sink in for a second, because, that's big........

I was amazed. Normally, almost as soon as I've finished eating dinner, I'm starting to think about what to have for dessert, craving that sweet, sugary taste in my mouth. But not this time! I just had a cup of chai tea a bit later on. And, as I was getting ready for bed, I realised that I'd never had dessert. And it didn't worry me. Bizarre. (But in a good way!)

More updates as they happen.........

Could I be changing - for reelz??

Yesterday I had a bit of a heart-to-heart with Boy/Man - by email. We're a 21st-century kind of couple! I won't say I had an 'epiphany', but it did get me thinking - and got me much more motivated.

So I spent lunchtime yesterday working through the first free e-pamphlet on the My Mind Coach website: The Five Biggest Diet Mistakes That Keep You Fat. Normally I'm a bit wary of these sorts of things, but it seems genuine, non-scammy, and has a lot of information that really makes sense to me. I got up to Mistake No. 4. I was actually excited by the idea of doing homework!

Then, after work, I listened to the Chocolate Craving Hypnosis mp3 that I downloaded from the site (again, for free). It was pretty good. Hypnosis recordings usually need to be listened to a number of times before they have a lasting effect, so I'll need to be persistent with that one. Though! - I did notice, last night, we had some sherberts for dessert, and I got that sickly sugar feeling after only having 2. So, hmmm!

Then, after that, I was thinking about the section in the e-pamphlet where it talks about emotional eating. So I decided to write about the 'episode'/'incident'/'whatever-you-want-to-call-it' that I'd had on Monday night. I wrote in great detail about what happened, how I felt and what I was thinking, before, during and after. Analysing it and thinking about it seemed to help. It made me more determined not to let it happen again.

Tonight, I'm looking forward to finishing off the first e-pamphlet. There are plenty of inspirational posts and things to do on the website's blog as well, so I might have a look at some of those, too. I'm feeling really determined and inspired right now!

Friday Kind of Night

Wouldn't you know it?

Have you heard of elimination diets? Well, I'm trying one of my own. The last few months, my innards have been on a rollercoaster ride - some days good, some days bad. After examining my food diary, I've narrowed down the culprits to oily foods, spicy foods or alcohol (either spirits, wine or both). I tend to have various combinations of the 3 on weekends, so I'm usually sick on Saturday mornings, and often Sunday mornings, too. And I'm sick of being sick on my days off! So, a little experiment -
Boy made a spicy curry a few days ago. I've eaten it the last 2 nights and my tummy felt fine. Tonight (being Friday and all) I decided to add some wine to the mix and see how I fare. So yeah, this post comes to you straight from half-a-bottle of sparkling syrah.

In Other News ...

I finally wore my skirt today! It's been literally years since I last wore a skirt! The Bureau predicted it would be such a hot day, plus all of my pants were in the wash, so I thought, screw it! To paraphrase Virgie Tovar, I debuted that sh!t!
And guess what? I loved it!

I Loved It!!!

I thought I'd feel all self-conscious and daggy. I thought it would be annoying having to check my lady-parts weren't showing all the time. I thought I wouldn't have any tops that matched with it at all. Yeah, the top I wore was a little bit long, but it looked fine. I felt great! I felt so feminine and, well, not swelteringly hot! I have pretty good legs if I do say so myself - I have slender ankles and nicely shaped calves, and it was so great to be able to show them off. All day, walking around the office, I was thinking to myself, "look at me everyone! I'm wearing a skirt!" Of course, no-one realised that it was out of the ordinary for me at all. But I felt fantastic! I want to run out and buy more! And some better matching tops to go with them.

However...

Did I mention as well? I'm really trying to save up money at the moment, so last week (on 17th Feb to be exact) I made a pact with myself that I wouldn't buy anything unnecessary until the end of this month. I've stuck to it so far. It's been really hard at times. When I really felt like buying something, I've done some online window shopping, but bought not a whit. I'm quite proud of myself! So, no new clothes for me quite yet. But some next Thursday ... well!

Love this Vid!

Hey all, just a quick note to talk about a series of videos I just found as I was kicking around on YouTube just now. They're called Virgie Tovar's Guide to Fat Girl Life; here's a link to Episode 1. I knew I was going to enjoy it when, 0:20 in, she says, "I apologise for the glare off my glasses, but I feel like they're part of the signature look". And from Ep 2: "...and if you haven't worn the side pony[tail] yet, you need to debut that shit now!" Normally I have the attention span of a 2-year-old when it comes to the internet (a video more than about 3:00 long, and I start squirming half-way through) but these are entertaining so far.

Natural disasters aside, I'm hoping to have a really quiet weekend, just getting ready for my trip and getting supplies for a craft project a friend has asked me to make for her. All the old projects were getting pretty boring anyway. ;)

Podcast Inspiration

Last night on the way home, I was listening to Inside-Out Weight Loss podcast. It was such a good episode, I listened to it again this morning. Renee talked about your 'Inner Mentor'. Imagine the you that you want to be: slim, confident, happy. This is the future you. Imagine having a conversation with her. She is there with you 24 hours a day. She's there to guide you, to understand you, to show you that it can be done. This image and the way she described it was so powerful to me, I had tears in my eyes.

She also talked about the very issue I've been confused about lately - accepting yourself the way you are, yet wanting to lose weight at the same time. When you're happy and content with yourself, only then will you do the things you need to do, to achieve your goals. If you're using food for comfort, replacing that with something else will be so much more effortless if you're already content.

Anyway, she says it so much better than me! I've been listening to the podcast on and off for the last couple of years. I've never looked at her website before, but apparently she has a course of downloadable workbooks for addressing the psychological barriers to weight loss. A part of me has always wanted to give it a go, but another part of me has held back. The part of me that's scared of change, that wants comfort, wants things the way they are, even if I'm not really happy. Lately though, that first part of me's been coming to the front more and more. The part that's bally-well fed up with everything and wants change! The part that wants to try Colour Blocking and new hairdos, and buys dresses on the internet even though they might not fit. The part that really believes I can do the Couch to 5km one day if I really persist. The part that wants to be skilled and competent and be able to fulfill expectations and have everything I really want and need. And deserve! That's why I subscribed to the job alerts email, I suppose, even though everything about applying for jobs terrifies me.

Anyway, the crux of it is - I want to give it a go. Starting now! Well, starting at lunchtime, anyway.

Beautiful

Yesterday online I saw this quote by actress Gabourey Sidibe:

People always ask me, ‘You have so much confidence. Where did that come from?’ It came from me. One day I decided that I was beautiful, and so I carried out my life as if I was a beautiful girl….It doesn’t have anything to do with how the world perceives you. What matters is what you see. Your body is your temple, it’s your home, and you must decorate it.

Wow! This makes me feel great! It makes me want to wear sequins! It makes me want to start a fashion blog! When I put my dress on to go out last night and I thought it might be too short, it made me think, nah, it's not. (It was knee-length, haha) It also reminds me that eating nutritious foods and keeping my body moving is relevant not just to lose weight, but because it's a sign that I like my body and I want to treat it right. Not to mention things like: not letting my hair grow out too long before I re-dye the roots, and not letting my nails get too raggedy. Throwing out those dirty/broken old shoes. Getting a massage when my shoulders first get stiff instead of putting it off for months. Thinking positive thoughts instead of wishing things were different.

This post was transferred from calorieking.com.au