Way Too Early, Saturday Morning

Idiotic brain woke me up at 6.30am this morning and made me lie there, bored, thinking about work. So I decided to get up and do something more constructive - like playing on the internet!

Obviously felt like taking action earlier in the week, because I went through those solutions that I brainstormed and condensed them down into 4 weekly actions/tasks/Recommendations, call them what you will. I wrote them up at work and then left them there, so I'm recreating them from memory here. They were:

1. walk at lunchtime (twice a week at first, then more as I build up energy)

2. exercise on the weekend (actually do it, not just tell myself I will and then bum around on the computer!)

3. organise healthy snacks to eat at work and when I get home

4. meditate regularly: guided meditation once a week, and self-done daily.

OK, so I haven't really made much of a plan as how I'm going to implement these recommendations; that's much harder! It's so easy to tell yourself to do something, much harder to fit it in and remember to do it every day with the bustle of real life getting in the way. I mean, geez, I don't even have time to do things I enjoy doing, let alone things I should be doing!

*sighs*

OK, that was my whinge-of-the-day.
Now what can I do?? Just do it? Set reminders for myself? Be more organised?
Been there, done that! (Or haven't done that, is what I really mean.)
So what is the difference? Between saying I'll do something, and then ruminating, procrastinating and agonising ; and just going ahead and doing it happily, as a natural part of life?

Motivation? That's fleeting. It disappears as quickly and mysteriously as it appeared. The first time you've had a flat-out day at work, you're stressed, you've got pizza shapes in the cupboard ... it's all over red-rover!
What's needed is a change of mind - to know that you're really worth it (to borrow a cheesy catchphrase!). To know that you deserve to be healthy and feel good. To have that solid centre that no stress or setback can affect.
Where can I get one of those??!

More thinking is in order, obviously.

Rant of the Week

I'm not really going to rant, so I don't know why I put that as the title. It just sounded good.

Not much to report on again this week. It was very busy at work so I didn't have much energy for exercising. However, I did walk on Tuesday, and I did create an Exercise Log. It's just an excel spreadsheet with a page for each month. Each day is represented, whether I did actually exercise or not. That way, I can look at it and see at a glance if I exercised 3 days in a row - or didn't exercise 3 days in a row! I can also see quickly if I'm doing a variety of exercises or I'm starting to get a bit same-same and need to mix it up a bit.

I used to be mad into lists etc that I'd created on spreadsheets. I would watch a movie, read a book or finish a craft project just so that I could cross it off my spreadsheet. I would spend hours adding to them, tweaking them, adding colours and making them pretty. Since I started my new job though, they've really been put on the backburner. Whether it's the time needed to maintain them, or all the things in them that I'd been planning to do that I don't have the time and energy to do right now, I don't know. Anyway, the point I'm getting to with this is - I really hope this Exercise Log spreadsheet can fire up at least a little of the excitement I used to have with all my spreadsheets. Will I be motivated to exercise so that there aren't too many blank gaps in my calendar? Will I be just itching to see my progress as I walk further, lift more, play Kinect for longer?

Meanwhile ...

You see, there's this girl at my work. She's absolutely lovely and cute. She works around the other side of the office, so I don't see her every day, but whenever I do, she's wearing the cutest outfits. One time, she wore a skirt with a large, retro floral print on it. A couple of times, a burgundy velvet dress with tights. I really admire it. Rocking the individualistic office wear! The thing that makes me feel so uplifted when I see her outfits though, is that she's ... well, how can I put it? I hate to categorise people, but I'd say she's about a size 18 (though I'm not very good at guessing these things).
OK, I know this makes it sound like I'm stalking her or something, but I think I just have a new fashion crush, that's all! You girls understand, right?
Having seen her a few times in the last week, I've come to realise that I freakin' hate my work clothes! Oh god, I can't stand them! They do not express who I am one tiny little bit. It drives me nuts.

I'm heavily inspired to get me to the hobby room and sew myself a cute floral skirt. I would just need a black top to wear it with (which hopefully won't be too hard to fined) and I'll be set. I'm not good enough yet to sew a dress that I could leave the house in, but perhaps one day soon.....

But then Negative Brain kicks in and says, you won't have the guts to wear that in public! You'll just look like a fat fool. And all that time and effort will be wasted!
Geez, I hate Negative Brain. She really spoils everything, doesn't she?

But then I was reading some of my positive links last night and I realised -
it doesn't matter what I wear. Haters are gonna be haters. They just are. There's nothing you can do to change their minds. (That's plainly clear from some of the trolling I've heard about online.)
When I walk down the street, there's going to be a certain percentage of people who'll laugh, who'll point, who'll look away in pity or disgust. They'll just see the body, not the person. It doesn't matter if I'm wearing a shapeless black floor-length muumuu, or a horizontally striped mini dress with hot pink tights.

So, to follow that logic, it makes sense to just wear whatever I like, and say, (in the words of wise Janet):

"fuck 'em"!!

Thinking Time

I've been 'away' for a little bit, haven't I? Time just flies by.

Since I started my new job, I honestly feel like time has been going ten times as fast as normal. I tell a friend I'll call or email the next day, and all of a sudden a week has passed. My to-do list is clogged with overdue to-do's. Things pop up on my calendar with alarming suddenness. It's really kinda crazy.

I have to admit, things haven't been going so well lately. I'm still bogged down with feeling tired all the time. I haven't been eating as well lately, either. I don't have the energy to put the effort and organisation in that it needs. At least I've started working on some craft projects again, which always makes me happier.

Things have started happening in my head though. I've had some dreams lately which are clearly trying to tell me something important. I tend to have a habit of pushing those kind of deep thoughts/ideas away, because I don't have time to think them through properly. 99% of my personal journal entries end with "... and I don't have time to finish because I have to ..." (sometimes with swear words thrown in!) It became extremely frustrating, so I've been writing in my journal less and less lately. Not at all, in fact. I've stopped writing, stopped thinking, stopped trying to change. I've been doing it for years, in fact. And things have been slowly going downhill to a point where I'm completely in denial.

The dreams and discussions I've been having lately have brought things to the forefront, though. Perhaps things have gotten so bad that my subconscious is going, "I'm sick of this crap! That's enough!" Who knows? What will happen next? Who knows?

Just tonight I found this blog post by the gorgeous Stephanie Zwicky, comedienne and style icon of Paris. I'm a regular stalker on her blog. The highly personal post explains her life story and relationship to her body/weight, and is called
My Body I Love You. (It's translated from French so the grammar isn't perfect, but the message certainly gets across.) This link is added to my inspirational link list!

Friday Kind of Night

Wouldn't you know it?

Have you heard of elimination diets? Well, I'm trying one of my own. The last few months, my innards have been on a rollercoaster ride - some days good, some days bad. After examining my food diary, I've narrowed down the culprits to oily foods, spicy foods or alcohol (either spirits, wine or both). I tend to have various combinations of the 3 on weekends, so I'm usually sick on Saturday mornings, and often Sunday mornings, too. And I'm sick of being sick on my days off! So, a little experiment -
Boy made a spicy curry a few days ago. I've eaten it the last 2 nights and my tummy felt fine. Tonight (being Friday and all) I decided to add some wine to the mix and see how I fare. So yeah, this post comes to you straight from half-a-bottle of sparkling syrah.

In Other News ...

I finally wore my skirt today! It's been literally years since I last wore a skirt! The Bureau predicted it would be such a hot day, plus all of my pants were in the wash, so I thought, screw it! To paraphrase Virgie Tovar, I debuted that sh!t!
And guess what? I loved it!

I Loved It!!!

I thought I'd feel all self-conscious and daggy. I thought it would be annoying having to check my lady-parts weren't showing all the time. I thought I wouldn't have any tops that matched with it at all. Yeah, the top I wore was a little bit long, but it looked fine. I felt great! I felt so feminine and, well, not swelteringly hot! I have pretty good legs if I do say so myself - I have slender ankles and nicely shaped calves, and it was so great to be able to show them off. All day, walking around the office, I was thinking to myself, "look at me everyone! I'm wearing a skirt!" Of course, no-one realised that it was out of the ordinary for me at all. But I felt fantastic! I want to run out and buy more! And some better matching tops to go with them.

However...

Did I mention as well? I'm really trying to save up money at the moment, so last week (on 17th Feb to be exact) I made a pact with myself that I wouldn't buy anything unnecessary until the end of this month. I've stuck to it so far. It's been really hard at times. When I really felt like buying something, I've done some online window shopping, but bought not a whit. I'm quite proud of myself! So, no new clothes for me quite yet. But some next Thursday ... well!

Quick Hello

Just a quick update to say everything's been going along fairly standardly.
Kind of strange, though - on Monday I got home and I was bouncing with energy and revving to go. So I did my yoga DVD (for the first time in months!) and felt great and relaxed afterwards. I was looking forward to a week with more energy and getting more things done. Since then, I've felt quite tired after work and haven't done any more exercise. ... However, I haven't actually felt as bone-exhausted as I did last week. So it can be said that things are improving.
I think perhaps my diet needs a bit of looking at. For example, this week I've been having a carrot and some rice cakes for morning tea. Soon after, I get a stomach ache this turns into hunger. By lunch time, I'm starving! And plus I'm getting bored with carrots by Day 4 now anyway. =) I'm still liking the rice cakes though, so it'll only require a little adjustment.
I've also been more contemplative lately, too. With only a certain amount of time and energy available to me in my spare time, what do I really want to use them for? What's it all about? How can I be the real me instead of spending all my time on the internet and dreaming of being different?
Hopefully I'll have time to think about all that later. My lunch break is over now!
xx

BLAP!

Yesterday I was reading back through some of my old posts and re-discovered the BLAP (Body Love Action Plan). I laughed, but I also remembered how it was helping me. But most of these things seem to slip away before they become a habit. I want that to change. I want change!

Whoa, what's come over me?

Perhaps it's just that time of year. I haven't consciously thought about the changeover from 2011 to 2012, but I usually make some kind of commitment to change. Perhaps deep down inside somewhere, my unconscious has realised what time of year it is, and is getting into the usual mindset. Or perhaps it's the travel. Whenever I come back from travelling, I always seem to have developed a different perspective on things. I'm surprised, but I do seem to. I was only away for 10 days, and I 'only' went to a country with very similar culture and same language. But it seems that was enough to get me away from my own life - from the everyday - and to jolt me into thinking differently about things. Seeing what other places are like, how other people live ... it just makes me think.
Anyway, enough airy-fairy stuff.

On The Other Hand ...

What a week! Only a few days til Christmas and I've bought hardly any presents, so much to do! I'm even more exhausted than normal, just the thought of exercise makes me want to cry. Even if I had any time for it. And I'm so focussed on all the things I have to do and worried that I might forget something (even though I write to-do lists) that I haven't thought about what I'm eating very much.

Enough whingeing, more doing stuff! A quick look at my food and exercise diary for last week was enough to send me into a tailspin. I scored an average of 50%. Terrible! So how can I improve this week? What's under my control that I can change?
1. be more mindful of what I'm eating, especially at night.
2. keep drinking plenty of water.
3. don't stress out!
That's about as much as I can handle at the moment without freaking out. So we'll see how I go!

Beauty Blather

Perhaps I should create a section called Beauty Blather or something like that.
Cos I'm obsessed! I've started to draw up an inventory of all my bath and beauty products, and it's taking a while! I've had to look, not only in the shower and bathroom cabinet, but in my cupboards, at my computer desk, at work, through all my handbags, etc! I'm getting there though. So far the big trend I'm seeing is with bath products. I'll buy them on a semi-regular basis, but this winter I used hardly any up. In the new apartment, there is a bath, but it's set up a bit differently to the old one, and I just don't find having a bath to be as relaxing as it used to be. So I've more been having a shower at night instead of a bath. However, that does mean I can use lots of lovely-smelling shower gel, so can't complain there. But I don't know what I'm going to do with all my bath bombs!!

I mentioned BB Creams last week and, yes, the obsession continues. After trawling through various reviews, I decided to hedge my bets and order a gift set of 4 mini size creams from Baviphat, a South Korean brand. I can't wait til they arrive! (Also got some essentials - face wash and nail polish topcoat - well, essentials for a girly, anyway!)

The world of BB Creams is a complex and (for a noob like me) confusing one. But it's also an exciting one. As far as I can tell, to qualify as a BB Cream (BB stands for Blemish Balm), it just needs to be a face cream that does more than one thing in one cream. For years I've been thinking, how annoying to have to apply moisturiser in the morning, and then sunscreen, and then foundation and whatever else you want to put on. Why can't they come all in one? I was so thrilled when I found a tinted sunscreen a few months ago, it was bordering on silly!

BB Creams are doing all that and more, and they've been doing it for a while. Most of them are formulated for oily skin and are tinted to hide pimples (as the name Blemish Balm implies). They can also have any combination of sunscreen, anti-ageing, whitening, brightening, moisturising, soothing, and others I can't think of off the top of my head at the moment. They have various textures, levels of coverage and colours of tinting. Just like any other beauty product, they can have various ingredients, from mushroom and peach through to caviar and gold dust!
How confusing!
Though, when I think about it, my sunscreen could be considered a BB Cream, I mean really. As well as being sunscreeen, it's tinted and has anti-ageing AHAs in it. I'll just get my label-maker and turn it into a BB Cream myself!

Why this sudden obsession with beauty products? I don't know. I've always liked bath and skincare products. I've liked makeup on and off over the years. I went from flat-out refusing to wear any as a teenager, to not being able to leave the house without mascara on a few years ago. For a few months at the start of this year, I had a problem with chronic eye watering which meant I couldn't wear any eye makeup at all for 2 months. It was insanely frustrating at first, but I got used to it. Now I'm a bit more relaxed about wearing makeup.
I started reading a new fashion blog recently; she has a lot of reviews on Asian beauty products and BB Creams. In one post, another blogger interviewed her - in answer to the question: "why do you wear makeup?" her reply was short and simple: "to hide".

How sad is that? She's a beautiful girl with a sought-after figure. And that's what she thinks of herself. It just goes to show. I had a think about it, and I realised that I'm the opposite. When I'm feeling bad about myself, I don't wear any makeup, or I wear less. I want to sink into the background, not draw any attention to myself. When I'm feeling good, I want to enhance the way I look. So I'm chalking this whole beauty product obsession up in the 'good things' category!

Here's a picture of my BB Creams; come to me quick!


Source: yesstyle.com.au via ApartmentCat on Pinterest.

Got My Grump On

Hate to start a Thursday morning on a bad note, but I'm grumpy, I had to get up early (/earlier) this morning, and I don't care! I feel fat, frumpy and pouty today. I don't understand how I felt really thin and sporty just a few days ago, and totally the opposite today. I caught a look at myself from the side, in the reflection from a window on the way to work, and I was horrified. I wondered how I could even leave the house looking like that. I just don't understand it. I mean, I wear this top all the time, and I don't remember thinking that last time I wore it. And I feel like crying whenever I think about how I have to stop eating chocolate if I want to lose weight. [insert enormous pout here]


I figure, it's either one of two things:
1. I've put on a whole bunch of weight in the last few days (or I'm retaining water, which is also possible, but considering I hardly drink enough, where did it come from??)
2. I have PMT.
I'm really starting to get jack of this! It's been getting worse over the last year. I swear lately it's been lasting 2 weeks out of every month. I've asked my doctor if there's anything we can do and he's currently doing some research. Watch this space (or not, if this topic makes you queasy. )

Meanwhile ...

The other day I ordered some shapewear, and last night I got a notification that they've been shipped. Hoping they arrive soon! I got them from this site. I first found it a few years ago, but the postage fees were too much for me. Not anymore. Unfortunately they won't arrive before Saturday night (Boy's birthday), but they should arrive before the other special events that're coming up. Part of me feels ashamed that I'm resorting to this kind of thing, but lots of people do it ... right? They utilise the benefits of looking sleeker and feeling less jiggly, so why can't I? I figure - it's just to give me a bit more confidence until I've had a chance to lose a bit of weight for real. Losing weight takes a long time (a very long time in my case, it seems), and I don't want to wait that long to start looking and feeling better.
(The feminist part of me is rolling her eyes and telling me that I shouldn't succumb to society's narrow expectations of how the female form should look. That I should reject the male-dictated status quo and have the courage to love my unique body the way it is.)
(Now the post-feminist part of me is saying, take society's expectations and twist them! In the 21st century, wearing a corset is not shameful or backward, it's a subversion of mainstream expectations, an independent statement of choice, an expression of female power and sexuality!)
(Negative Nancy says: but that only counts if you wear the corset on the outside of your clothes, doesn't it? And you'd never have the guts to do that!)
(ApartmentCat says: guts! Get it? I made a funny! hahah!)

*sighs* No wonder I get so confused sometimes!

Some Thoughts

Not feeling very chatty lately, but I thought I'd just post a quick update anyway. Things have been like a whirlwind lately, I don't know if I'm coming or going. I feel like I have so much to do, and I'm scared I won't get it all done on time. Or that something will go horribly wrong. Was too busy cleaning on the weekend to pay any attention to what I was eating. So the only times I got a green tick was when I skipped meals. That bumped my score up each day from 'pathetic' to 'quite sad', but still it's not the best way of increasing my daily score. I just don't have time to worry about it too much at the moment though. There are too many other things to worry about! If there was a world championship for worrying, I'd probably be in the top ten in the world, I reckon! This time next week though, one of the biggest stresses will be done with, and I can start concentrating on myself and my journey again. Boy and I are planning a holiday in a couple of months, so at least that's something to look forward to!

Meanwhile ...

I wrote the following this morning. I wasn't sure if I was going to post it. This writing is much more personal than I'm used to. But then I decided to share it, in the hopes that it would help in some way. Perhaps I'll write more in more detail about my past at a later time.

Lately I've been looking around for blogs, books and other resources on positive body image, etc. I'm the kind of person that, any problem I have, I try to solve it by finding out more about it. Anyway, naturally quite a lot of the resources talk about eating disorders. I've been aware of them for a long time. In school we were warned about them. I remember being given a book about a girl that had anorexia. I still remember the story - she wanted to be a ballerina, but the pressure to be thin was so bad that she stopped eating and nearly died. I knew I would make sure never be like that. I liked food way too much for that! Somehow, I never realised that things could go the opposite way, too. Or, if I did, I was too young and didn't love myself enough to care. Socially awkward, painfully shy, books and food were my only constant friends. In high school, I went to some lengths to be able to eat in private, so I didn't have to feel ashamed. Then later, when I moved out of home and lived in my own room at Uni, I was free to eat whatever I liked, whenever I liked. When I was hungry, when I was lonely, when I was bored, when I was heartbroken, when I was stressed about a deadline. But it was OK because I didn't have anorexia or bulimia ... right? I knew that I ate whenever I was unhappy, lonely or stressed, but I thought everyone did it. Or drank, or did whatever to cope. One day I saw a poster up at Uni for a body image workshop being run by a PhD student. The types of women they were looking for included those who overeat. I can't remember why, but I decided to go. Was it mere curiosity? Was it because I wanted to meet other people like me? Was it because I finally realised that something was wrong with me? In any case, I'm very glad that I went to the sessions. I got to meet 4 amazing women and hear their stories. I felt like one of them, like we were all in it together, struggling with these issues. I wasn't alone. I was very sad when the sessions ended. I did a lot of thinking at that time.

Now, the material I've been reading has started me thinking again. ...
Are the issues that I've had and am having actually an eating disorder? Did I have one? Do I still have one? Am I 'recovering' (as the material terms it)? If I do have one, how bad is it? Can I get help? Do I need help?
More importantly though ... Would it help me or hinder me if I apply this label to myself? Would it change the way I feel about myself and my body? Would I feel freer, or more trapped? In purely practical terms, would it stop my cravings? Would it help me achieve my goals of becoming fitter and healthier?

I don't know the answers to these questions. These are just some thoughts that I'm having right now.

Stressful

The last couple of days have been pretty stressful. Haven't felt like writing in my blog, or doing anything much at all. I guess there are a few little and not so little issues at the moment, and I'm letting them get to me. Special Lady Time is not feeling so special this month, and that doesn't help at all! So when a little thing happens - I'm walking down the street and someone looks at me the wrong way - I have to fight back tears, and I suddenly want to eat a whole packet of something, just anything!! more badly than anything in my life ... Negative Nancy kicks in and starts saying things like:

"that'll teach you to think you can just go out in public and walk down the street like anyone else! You wanna have the guts to look people in the face? You think other people won't find you disgusting and horrible? That'll teach you!"

I wasn't sure I was going to write about this, yet here we are. Cathartic. Not a cause for regret. I hope. Things have been a bit better since yesterday though, or at least I'm determined to be happier and less stressed about everything. To further this, I decided to start a new thing - I bought a little notebook, and I'm going to keep a happiness diary. It's a concept that I'd heard of ages ago. Every night before bed (well, most nights anyway), I'll jot down 3 things that made me happy that day. I'm not normally into these schmaltzy things, but sometimes they can actually work. Also been continuing to meditate for 60 seconds (approximately; whenever I remember to) in bed at night before I fall asleep. Currently I'm wondering how different this state of mind is to when I'm actually trying to go to sleep! And whether it's actually having an effect. But I feel this is a thing I have to take with baby steps, and I'll work up to longer periods over time.

In Other News ...

These are the pants I ordered; they arrived yesterday:


Source: asos.com via ApartmentCat on Pinterest.

Many, including myself, may be thinking, "what was she thinking??!" I just got them on a whim, more out of curiosity as to how Asos clothes are sized than anything else. Seeing as you can only buy them online. The fabric is a bit different to how I thought it would be - a stretchy knit instead of a silky drape. They're more like pyjama pants, really. It might be hard breaking free of that feeling in order to actually wear them in public! I'd probably wear them with a long, loose top in a bright colour - if I had one! bwahahaha! Actually, I ordered a top from another website that might be suitable, only it hasn't arrived yet. And I may well have others in the deep, dark recesses of my wardrobe, you never know.

Saturday Night *sings*

Went to a birthday party last night and I had a great time! Thought of 2 outfits to wear and laid them out on the bed to choose. The theme was circus and/or casual. It was a lot of fun thinking of outfits and putting them together. Having enough clothes that I actually like to put together 2 outfits was a new and different thing for me! I noted down everything I wore so I'll definitely have to do a What I Wore drawing when I get time. It was a pretty casual outfit really, just with a few quirks, but when I put it on, I felt kinda bold. It had horizontal stripes! And tight pants! And the top wasn't long enough to cover the bottom part of the sticky-outy bit of my stomach!
Gasp!
Looked at it in the mirror and thought, 'screw it'! And I went, and I danced, and I had a good time. I was (by far) the biggest girl on the dance floor, but whenever I was tempted to feel self-conscious, I thought, 'I want them all to know that I like my body!'

The food was fantastic too, and I didn't spend any time stressing out about whether I'd eaten too much, if I could eat some more, if anyone saw me eating, if it was healthy enough, blah blah blah. (It was all healthy, as well as delicious, so there was no need to stress out anyway.)

Read an article recently (I can't remember where, it might have been a podcast, actually) about self-criticism, negative self-talk, whatever you want to call it. That state of mind where there's negative stuff just cycling through your brain and it won't shut up and makes you feel terrible. It was referred to as Barking Dog Mind. I like that description. Well, last night, Barking Dog Mind was left at home in its kennel!

Podcast Inspiration

Last night on the way home, I was listening to Inside-Out Weight Loss podcast. It was such a good episode, I listened to it again this morning. Renee talked about your 'Inner Mentor'. Imagine the you that you want to be: slim, confident, happy. This is the future you. Imagine having a conversation with her. She is there with you 24 hours a day. She's there to guide you, to understand you, to show you that it can be done. This image and the way she described it was so powerful to me, I had tears in my eyes.

She also talked about the very issue I've been confused about lately - accepting yourself the way you are, yet wanting to lose weight at the same time. When you're happy and content with yourself, only then will you do the things you need to do, to achieve your goals. If you're using food for comfort, replacing that with something else will be so much more effortless if you're already content.

Anyway, she says it so much better than me! I've been listening to the podcast on and off for the last couple of years. I've never looked at her website before, but apparently she has a course of downloadable workbooks for addressing the psychological barriers to weight loss. A part of me has always wanted to give it a go, but another part of me has held back. The part of me that's scared of change, that wants comfort, wants things the way they are, even if I'm not really happy. Lately though, that first part of me's been coming to the front more and more. The part that's bally-well fed up with everything and wants change! The part that wants to try Colour Blocking and new hairdos, and buys dresses on the internet even though they might not fit. The part that really believes I can do the Couch to 5km one day if I really persist. The part that wants to be skilled and competent and be able to fulfill expectations and have everything I really want and need. And deserve! That's why I subscribed to the job alerts email, I suppose, even though everything about applying for jobs terrifies me.

Anyway, the crux of it is - I want to give it a go. Starting now! Well, starting at lunchtime, anyway.

Thursday Things

It's Thursday already! I feel like this week's gone so fast, I haven't had time to do anything. Testing out my new exercise schedule has had its ups and downs so far, but I'll look at it more closely at the end of the week. Been eating very well this week, kind of accidentally, I have to admit. But better than the alternative.

In Other News ...

This morning at work, I overheard a short piece of conversation between a woman (someone I don't know) and her (male) colleague. She said that she's going on holiday in a month's time, and she'll be on a liquid diet until then so she can 'shed some kilos'. They bustled off before I could hear his reply.
The way I reacted to hearing that was kinda mixed. First off, I wanted to say to her, "why are you trying to lose weight? You're perfect the way you are! Your butt is tiny!" (Of course I didn't say anything at all, them being total strangers and all, but this is what I was thinking.) Then I thought, 'how sad it is, that this woman is going through a month of torture, does she really think that's the only way she can enjoy her holiday?'
Then I was thinking, 'well, if she just compared herself to me, then she'd feel much better,' and 'I wonder what she and her colleague think of me?' Then I started feeling all defensive and had to think about rainbows until I felt better.

This experience really made me think about two things. Firstly, it was a reminder that many women have body issues, no matter what their size. This is something I'd worked out when I was young, but it was a reminder that I'm not alone. Don't get me wrong, it's not a case of schadenfreude - it didn't make me feel better about myself. Just not quite so freaky, I guess you could say. I felt sorry for her, as well.

The other thing was, why did I get so defensive about a conversation that had nothing at all to do with me? The analysing part of me thought this was very interesting. I don't have time to think about it right now, being at work. I'll see if I can make time to think about it a bit on the weekend.

Book Review: Body Talk

On the weekend I read Body Talk: A Power Guide for Girls by Elizabeth Reid Boyd and Abigail Bray.

I thought I would read it even though I'm not a teenage girl. I thought it would give me an interesting insight into a different perspective - and it did. The book looks at all the major issues facing teenage girls today, including relationships with family and friends, body image and media messaging, depression and other negative feelings, self-harm and suicide. Exercises provide a practical way to think about the issues and how to seek help if necessary. There are many quotes from girls (names changed) throughout the book, some of which were so sad, others filled with hope and positivity. They were a moving human touch that really added to the message.

One of the first exercises is to create a Tabula Rasa ("Blank Page"), a journal for private writing. I think this is a fantastic idea. Journal writing seems to help so many people of all ages and backgrounds. Most of the later exercises involve the Tabula Rasa as well, whether writing, drawing, collecting pictures, or reflecting on other activities. I imagine this aspect would be most helpful for a teenager, as it encourages creativity as well as providing a private space for self-expression.

Body Talk has a positive message without being sugary or preachy, and I can really see the exercises being helpful. In fact, I'm going to do some of them myself. This book would help a young girl see that she's not alone in the issues she faces, and that help is available. Even if she herself doesn't face all of these issues, reading the book would give her an understanding of what her friends may be going through. Parents could use it as a springboard to a conversation about issues they are concerned with. If I had a teenage girl, I would definitely give Body Talk to her.

Sunday Things

Yesterday I decided to have a Computer-Free Day. I spent time tidying the house, doing other housework, and later on, doing some art and craft. I worked on a 'What I Wore' drawing which I'd started a while back. That's always a Good Sign, because I normally only work on those when I'm feeling good about myself.

So, how is the Body Love Action Plan going?
(I work for the Government, so naturally I make everything into acronyms - the BLAP. ahahaha!)

I've made a list of things I can do between now and November to increase my self-esteem. One thing I decided was - whenever I have a negative thought about myself, to instantly try to turn it into something positive. I chose something that makes me happy whenever I think about it. Instantly, the image of a rainbow came into my mind. So that's the image I'm going with! I started it on Friday and it was quite interesting. I tells ya, I was thinking about rainbows most of the day yesterday! Especially when I went out to do some shopping. ...

'I couldn't wear that, I'd look like ... RAINBOW!'
'I wish I looked more like ... RAINBOW!'
'Wow, her ___ is so much better than mine ... RAINBOW!'
'I wish I hadn't ... RAINBOW!'
'I should have ... RAINBOW!'
'I'll never ... RAINBOW!'

For a while there, I felt like an obsessive Rainbow enthusiast or something! But you know what - it worked! Every time I thought about a rainbow, it made me smile. I stopped thinking about the negative things, and I felt happier. Over the course of the day, the negative thoughts lessened. The anxiety faded into the background. I made jokes with Boy, I laughed more, I felt good. I painted. It's a Good Sign when I notice that my natural facial expression is a little smile.

Yesterday I was having an email conversation with B. The subject of N & P's wedding and what we were going to wear to it came up. I've been stressing about it on and off for about a year now. The dress code is 'something that makes you feel awesome'. So at first I thought I'd go with some fantastic outfit based on the characters that I dreamt up when I was a kid. Then eventually, the more I thought about it, the outfit got less and less fantastic - thinking about how I'd look in it, and how I wished I looked in it. How my body should be if I were to do the costume any justice. I kept toning the outfit down until eventually it was nothing like what I really wanted at all. I'm really starting to get fed up with it. At times I just feel like giving up and making a giant black muumuu to wear! Every time I try to think of an outfit that would make me feel awesome, the problem is - I keep circling back to the fact that nothing would make me feel awesome because I don't like the body underneath it.

That kind of ruins the party, doesn't it?

I started getting a bit upset and having lots of negative thoughts (I won't repeat them here because in hindsight they were pretty dumb!). I couldn't walk it off like I'd done the day before because I was on late shift at work, so I just had to sit on it and stew. On the way home I detoured into the library and got 3 books on body image. - I'm the kind of person, when I have a problem, I always try to solve it by learning more about it. - I didn't really have any time to think about it, though - until I woke up at 5am again this morning. It seems Body and Brain conspired to force me to think about this problem! In order to try and solve it, I started thinking about the times when I have felt awesome (there've been a couple!) in the last couple of years. Who was I with? And where was I? They were usually really casual occasions, where I didn't have to dress up, and the focus was on what we were doing. A few times, I've felt pretty awesome when I was dressed up (e.g. my birthday party this year), but that was when I was really trying my hardest to give Negative Nancy the boot for the evening. And that's when it hit me -

It doesn't matter what I wear,

all that matters is how I feel!

It's so simple, really. I can't believe I didn't think of it earlier. There's no need for fancy, elaborate costumes. I could be wearing the most beautiful ball gown ever made, and feel terrible. I could be wearing a pair of scuffy old jeans and my peasant blouse and feel fantastic. So I'm not going to stress out about what to wear anymore. From now on, I'm going to concentrate on getting into a frame of mind which will allow me to feel awesome. Hopefully not just on the day, but every day!

Some Thoughts

First post in my new blog format, yay!

I can't go for my Monday walk tonight, I have a few things to do after work. When I realised, I was disappointed. I was actually looking forward to my walk - the fresh air, listening to my music, getting to look at everything for a bit longer instead of rushing past it on the tram. I'll just have to make it Tuesday Walk this week instead.

On An Unrelated Note ...

Last night I was thinking a bit more. Ever since I started losing weight, I always assumed that losing weight and liking yourself the way you are didn't really go together. I mean, how could they? People lose weight because they don't like their bodies, right? How can you love and accept something while you're trying to change it? I had trouble getting my head around this for a long time - I still am. But a while back, I started to get really sick of the situation I was in. There were so many things I wanted to do, but noooo, I had to wait until I'd lost weight to do them. To wear pretty dresses with confidence, to do a bellydancing course, to go to a craft meetup and meet new people (people who were bound to be much cooler, more confident and thinner than me!). To make that dance video and post it on YouTube. To walk into the Zine Shop in person and say, "hi, would you like to sell my zines?" Whenever I thought about doing anything like that, immediately a voice in my head said, "nah, I'll wait til I've lost weight, til I've lost at least __kgs". Or "I couldn't possibly do that when I look so frumpy and dorky!" Or "it won't be any fun cos I'll be all self-conscious about my weight so I might as well wait." In the end, I got so unbelievably frustrated. I still am, in fact, because even though I'm more aware of this voice now, I still haven't figured out a way of getting rid of it. And I haven't yet done any of those things I mentioned.

But last night I was thinking, it's like my cat. (I love a good metaphor, so here we go!)
I love my cat, I think she's sweet and adorable. However she does have some issues:
- she sheds;
- she has a tendency to wake Boy and I up early in the morning on weekends to be fed;
- a few times recently she's gotten really stressed out and pooped on the rug instead of in her tray.

Now, I don't like any of these things about her, but I know she doesn't do them on purpose, and it doesn't change the way I feel about her. I do my best to solve these problems sensitively by:
- vacuuming regularly to keep the hair situation under control;
- trying to be understanding because she does get fed early in the morning 5 days out of every week and she doesn't get the concept of sleeping in;
- doing my best to eliminate any stressful elements in her environment.

Even though there are some things I don't like about her, I would never hurt her, never stop loving her, and I do the best I can to keep her happy and healthy. I try to change those things that I don't like, sometimes by influencing her directly, sometimes by changing things in her environment. But I always do it with a spirit of love and acceptance. And the things I can't change, I try to be understanding about.

How great would it be if I could have the same attitude towards my body?

Sunday Stuff

The weekend! I went out shopping today. Boy and I just needed a bit of a shopping spree to cheer us up, I think. He bought a fancy coffee grinder, and some tea, and we both bought clothes and computer games. Also I bought a salt lamp. I have no idea if it actually has the health benefits that it says on the label, but the changing colours are pretty and relaxing to look at, so that's something! We had cheese on toast for breakfast, and chicken burgers with chips for lunch at the shopping centre. Yeah, not so healthy! I'm still very bad at keeping under control on the weekends. However, instead of going ahead and finishing my burger, I stopped when I was no longer hungry, and didn't eat all my chips either. That was something I realised I needed to start doing again - stop before I get full, not just keep going until it's all gone.

The last few weeks, I was trying to save money by not taking my vitamins. I thought they weren't really important. Not a good idea! Exhibit No. 1: my eczema has gone crazy-bonkers-bananas!! I get it on my left hand, on the palm. Well, it's flared up pretty badly, becomes unbearably itchy a couple of times a day. And a few times I've given in to that and scratched it (or rubbed it against something sort of sharp like the edge of a table) until it no longer itched. Because the skin is so thin, it opened up a fairly large crack. Ooops! It's healing now, but yeah, not so good. Also, I was getting a tingling feeling in the palm of my other hand, and noticed some very small flaky patches. Which is NOT good at all - I haven't had eczema on that hand in years, and I don't want it to start up again! So I'm back to taking my Omega 3-6-9s again. For sure, twice a day, no skipping! It costs money, but it's just not worth the aggro to skip them. Learning it the hard way, silly me!
And who knows what skipping the other vitamins has done to me - I don't even want to think about it!

This week as well, I haven't been too good physically. My hip and lower back have been playing up again. Normally if that happens I just do some stretches and it goes away after a day or two, but not this time. My hip's been like this for almost a week now, on and off. It's worse if I sit still (e.g. at work or on the internet at home - the 2 things I spend the most time doing!!), but it gets better if I move, do gentle walking. It's hard to get started though, because it hurts! I have just been trying to keep in mind though, that it'll get better. Boy and I did a whole bunch of walking as part of our shopping spree today. We decided to walk around the whole place, and it took hours! I'm surprised we didn't buy more, actually. ;) The computer game I bought was a Kinect game (of course!) - I might play a bit later on after I've washed my hair tonight.

I've just now found this Body Peace Pledge as I was surfing around, and I thought it was pretty cool. The pledge is posted on the Seventeen Magazine website. Part of me thinks it's rather sad that I'm getting advice from a magazine aimed at teenagers - I'm 35 years old for heck's sake, surely I would have worked all of this out by now??! When I was younger, I just assumed that things would naturally get easier as I got older. But often I feel like I'm taking 1 step forward, 2 steps back, like the old saying goes. I believe that everyone is on their own path, some are further along it than others, everyone has setbacks, everyone is doing the best they know how. And actually, as I think a bit more about the points on the pledge, I'm doing much better than I was just a few years ago. I used to get so hurt when I saw a disgusted look on someone's face when I was walking down the street, and so angry when I saw a pitying look. For a long time, I just refused to look people in the face at all. I would wear my ipod so I couldn't hear any comments, and didn't wear my glasses so all the faces were just a blur, if I did happen to accidentally break my habit and start looking at people.

A few months ago, I started to realise how sad that really is! How awful is that?! I used to love people-watching! I used to love wandering around the city, just looking at all the buildings. I had given that up completely. So I have started to be brave again and I wear my glasses, and I look at people, look them in the face even, sometimes! And if they choose to notice me, think or feel something about me, choose to let that thought or feeling show on their face - that's their business, not mine!

I do still wear my ipod though, cos I love listening to music. ;)

This post was transferred from calorieking.com.au

Various Ramblings

This morning I didn't feel like eating breakfast. I had a porridge sachet and dried fruit, but I was really craving some toast with vegemite. But in my drawer at work - no bread, no vegemite, so sad! So I kept putting off making my breakfast until it was almost morning tea time. I'm rostered for the early lunch break today, so that wasn't a biggie. But then it's a looong time til afternoon tea time. Normally I try and have lunch as late as I can, then there's less time to try and resist afternoon cravings. So days like this throw me out a little bit.

Last night I went to the supermarket on the way home to get some things for dinner. Was starving hungry (not a good time to shop, I know!). Haven't had time to have afternoon tea before I leave work this week, we've been short-staffed and I was too busy. Plus I've been walking part of the way home every night. That means the hungry-beast was on the loose! Was starting to fall into that familiar struggle of wandering around the supermarket so hungry, craving something really unhealthy, and desperately trying to find something healthy that would do instead. Came across a jar of bocconcini cheese in brine in the sale section. I thought, why not? I had them dipped in a little olive oil and mixed herbs. Probably not as healthy a snack as it could have been, but definitely more sophisticated. ;)

Then last night I was browsing fashion blogs. Overall I find it a really positive thing to do. But when I do, I've noticed I have a lot of different reactions all happening at the same time:
* Excited and positive seeing ladies of all different shapes and sizes, in all different types of outfits, being fabulous! I don't feel alone anymore. Yay for the blogosphere! It makes me feel that I could be like them. That I can look sophisticated and professional in work-wear (ref. to my rant the other day). It makes me want to start a fashion blog of my own!
* Less pressured. I'm starting to lose that thought I used to have - that I have to lose X amount of weight before I can start dressing like I really want to. Before I can do that bellydancing class, or make that Japanese street fashion-inspired outfit I've been dreaming of. Or even show photos of my sewing projects on my craft blog. Not that I've actually done any of these things yet, but it just seems more possible than before, if that makes sense. :) And so, losing the maximum amount of weight RightNowDammit!! doesn't seem quite so urgent.
* A bit sad and disappointed in myself that I don't have the confidence to dress like that and be like that. But I'm definitely further along on my path than I was say, a year ago. Back then, I used to read my Shop Til you Drop magazine and think: when I've lost weight, that's what I'll wear and that's where I'll shop. Now, I read it and think: where can I get clothes like that in my size? How can I take bits of a fashion I like and add them to my look? Do I have the ability to make clothes like that in my size?
* Angry and frustrated that here in Australia I can't get most of the fabulous clothes I see. And the few I can get are overpriced! Some of the U.S. and U.K. webshops post internationally now, but they have very high shipping, and I like to try clothes on before I buy them. I have a fairly unusual body shape, and anything fitted just doesn't seem to sit right on me. And anything not fitted I could probably make myself, if I could find the right fabric. And speaking of:
* Really motivated to get crafty and sew some clothes of my own! I get all righteous and think, why should I let some marketing person who's only out to appeal to the great masses decide what I get to wear?! I'll just make my own, dammmmmit! Anika makes all her own clothes herself. Georgina and Gabi have altered clothes with great success. (Georgina also designs her own fabric and makes dresses from it, and she makes and sells her own jewellery - she's my current crafty idol!)
So why can't I just make clothes that exactly fit the vision in my head of how I want to look?? (Part of me cringed even still when I wrote that last bit, but that's an over-share for another day.)

Gosh, I've gone on quite a bit today, haven't I? Sorry about that. Off to lunch now!

This post was transferred from calorieking.com.au

Thoughts

Was just reading an article online about how people who have had gastric banding or bypass surgery are 4 times more likely to develop an addiction to something else afterwards, like alcohol or shopping. I'm really not surprised to hear that. Like it says in Weight Loss for Food Lovers if you're finding it hard to stick to a 'healthy eating plan' (PC name for Diet ) and having trouble losing weight, you've probably got psychological issues and need to see a counsellor rather than a nutritionist. I've always figured that, but it's interesting to see the figures. It made me think about whether I would ever consider having something like that done. I don't think I would, unless I was literally about to keel over. Sure, it solves the problem at hand, but it's not a long-term solution. You need to learn to change your habits for the rest of your life, or you'll just put the weight back on. Plus for me, there's another aspect too. I'd feel like I was giving up. I still believe that I can (and will) lose weight naturally. Giving up on that would mean I've lost faith in myself. And doing something so invasive and drastic to my body, which I'm working so hard on loving - well, it'd be like betraying my body. My body knows what it's doing - it's my brain that doesn't!

This post was transferred from calorieking.com.au