Doing Things (?)

Currently I'm between jobs, unemployed, underemployed. I even said to someone yesterday that "my job situation is complicated". I guess it is. I currently have 4 leads and am waiting for a call back. No calls last week, but the sense of finiteness regarding spare time has been in the back of my mind. I wouldn't say that I 'wasted' last week -- I spent my time doing some things that I wanted to do (gardening, watching youtube) and not doing other things that I wanted to do (art, craft, writing). I guess I didn't feel like doing things things so much, so I didn't. But late last week I was thinking about making a list of things I'd like to have done, or at least done some work on, before going back to working 5.5 days a week.

Things that included: tidying up in the garden, finishing a craft project, having several blog posts lined up, exploring some different themes in my art. I guess I wanted my remaining time to be a bit more structured. Like writing a list of things to do each morning isn't structured enough? It would be good to actually do most of those things, instead of leaving half of them for the next day (and the next!).

I didn't think about it too much more until this morning when I was reading some stuff online and randomly happened to come across this blog post Minimalism: Time. I read a few other posts from the blog as well. The writer seems to be very young, and yet very focussed and has a lot of tools for making her life the way she wants it. I'm not sure I'd have every hour of every day day of every week planned out like in her example calendar (though I was tempted to draw up one of my own for about 3 seconds!). It did remind me however, of how much time I waste. It's almost as if the more time you have, the less you value it.

The last few months, I've been playing a lot more ipad games. Some of them get you sucked in by having timed quests, so that you need to return at regular intervals to start the next stage of the quest or else you miss out on the rewards. They can be very compelling. I've even caught myself thinking: "I have to make sure I get that Thing! It's important!" I go to bed thinking that I'm going to prioritise checking the game in the morning. Obviously, I find it fun and relaxing, and I can do whatever I want with my time, but at the same time I think there are more fulfilling things I could be doing!

There are about a billion books, blogs and articles on productivity and Getting Shit Done out there, and I've read quite a few of them. I guess this one struck me because I've been thinking about how I spend my time lately. I was also affected by the description of time as sacred -- if you waste it, you can never get it back. It also talked about alive time vs. dead time, which I'm not quite so into (perhaps if they changed the terminology?) but I do understand. It's all about productivity. Or always focussing on what you really want. Or something.

As an antidote to all this, this morning I also read Bjorn Bull-Hansen's latest blog post: The Automation Revolution. Actually, in some ways it's on the same theme -- that of spending your time doing things you want to do, and that make you happy.

So, I decided to re-visit the exercise I first did about 5 years ago, from whats-her-name of the 168 Hours book. (Sorry, too busy writing to look it up right now!) I'm going to keep a record of how I spend my time for 1 week, then analyse it and see where I can make changes. I can already think of a couple of things off the top of my head! Like changing my facebook settings so news articles aren't the first thing I see. I log on there to see what my friends are doing, not to get swept up in reading articles on the latest meme or why you should eat rice for breakfast or what horrible people did next!

Of course, observing something changes it, and if I'm already thinking of changes, then I might not want to wait a whole week to implement them and yadda yadda. But I will just continue on for today and see where it goes. Although, I have to say, spending 20 minutes unable to type because the cat was sitting on my chest was not really in my plans today...

3 Years Later -- How My Brain Has Changed

Reading back through my blog posts from 3 to 5 years ago, I'm really surprised at how focussed I was on how much I ate, what I ate and how much I exercised. I don't know if I really thought about those things that much, or I only wrote about them so much because the blog was a health/fitness/weightloss blog. Probably the latter, but it did also reveal a lot about how my thought processes worked and the kind of language I used in talking to myself.

Quite a few of the posts are embarrassing to read now, as I don't think that way or view myself that way anymore. I thought about deleting some, if not all of the posts, but in reading through them I was reminded of many things that happened during that time. I also had some insights and ideas which I think I might find useful now.

* I beat myself up very much less than I used to. This is awesome. I don't really know how it came about. If there's anyone reading this blog and wishing for advice, I don't really know what to say. I just slowly seem to have let go -- let go of perfectionism, let go of comparing myself to other people (though it's still something I need to constantly remind myself of, especially when I'm on social media!). There were a lot of little incidences here and there, like comments from Husband and friends, which made me think about things and slowly start to re-arrange my priorities.

* I think that having our own house has helped immensely. I finally have a place that's mine. I don't have the looming shadow of real estate agents and landlords wanting to come and inspect the place always in the back of my mind. Not to mention the possibility of being kicked out again on someone else's whim. It's more relaxing to be at home. I have privacy. I have a garden that I can spend time in and do whatever I want to. In fact, gardening has become, not just a hobby, a great passion and solace for me in the last three years. I know that not many people are lucky enough to have this -- I try to be aware of my privileges -- but I'm mentioning it just as an observation, not to brag etc.

* I notice that I used to make a lot of lists of things that I was determined to do that week, and then not do them, come back to the blog and whinge about how much I sucked. Things like exercise x times, drink x bottles of water, have NO DESSERT EVER!!!, etc. I think the main problems with that were: a) I had no way of recording whether I actually did what I said I was going to do; and; b) I don't even like being told what to do by myself, let alone by anyone else!
I seem to have solved this problem somewhat organically a couple of years ago. I added a section to my weekly to-do list, to record whether I did several things each day, including drunk enough water, went for a walk, washed my face, etc. I'm constantly reminded to pay attention to these things because I check my to-do list many times a day. I give myself points and a reward if I did these things more days than last week. I call it Improvement On Last Week (IOLW), and it's part of my larger Frequent Walking Points system -- something that I created during the time I was writing the blog, and which has stuck around. Perhaps I'll write about it more at a later time.

* I developed some different ways of coping. Some of them were what I started to call Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms (UCMs). (As much as I joke about over-formalised language and using acronysims, I find that it helps me deal with concepts that are difficult to think about.) When I finally realised how unhealthy they really were, it was a bit of a turning point, and I reverted back to some healthier ones that I'd used in the past instead. I let myself relax a lot more than I used to. And just acknowledging that you need coping mechanisms to get by in life is important, I think. Whether it's daydreaming, watching guilty-pleasure TV, having a hobby that you spend a certain (reasonable) amount of money on, etc. It's important.

* Around the start of this year, not long after I finished up at my old job, I decided to renew my spiritual side. Before, I've found it a great comfort and a reminder of what's important in life. I set up a ... well I'm not sure what you'd call it, altar is not really the right word. A shelf to keep my special things on, including my runes (of which I bought a new set), Tao Te Ching cards, crystals, and things I've collected like feathers, pine cones, stones, etc. I committed to spending time reading on spiritual things, and thinking about them. I've come to some conclusions and made progress on other lines of thought. This might never have happened, had I not had the time to think about them while I was unemployed ... between jobs ... under-employed ... a housewife ...
I spent a bucketload of time on Tumblr, gathering information and resources, finding new blogs, reading about other people's experiences, etc. I know it's trendy lately to call yourself a witch, but it was nice to see other pagans out there representing.

That's all I can think of right now. Perhaps more will come up as I think about things more; I've also flagged some of the posts/ideas as potentially helpful, so I may write more about those at a later time.

3 Years Later

Hello!

It's been a long time. Three years. I can't quite explain why that is. Well, I can explain one of the reasons -- an announcement over at The Fluent Self. I've increasingly been using the techniques taught and modelled there to help me deal with my Stuff, and it's helped me get through some bad times in the last few years. When, earlier this week, it was announced that The Fluent Self was in a (possibly permanent) spot of bother, I was naturally quite concerned.

There were ways on the site to help out, and I decided to take up one of those ways. So now I am a Friend of the Museum. I hesitated at first, because the financials were fairly substantial and there was the option of donating instead. But then I remembered about no longer seeing my counsellor anymore. Well, it wasn't a conscious decision. I missed an appointment back in February and said I'd re-book but I never did. At first it was because I was 'between jobs' and wanted to save money. During that time though, I started to think seriously about whether I was getting enough benefit from counselling anymore to be worth it.

In the meantime, I did a lot of thinking about other things -- work, life, relationships, society, social media, etc. I also did The Fluent Self's Stone Skipping Not-A-Course (a month-long group journalling space). I realised that the materials and techniques at The Fluent Self have been much more helpful to me in the last few years than my counselling sessions have been. The 10-minute audio that I can listen to on the way to work, and that certain spot to press on my hand when in a terrifying meeting are much more immediate and helpful than 1 hour a month vaguely recalling the crap stuff that's happened. I've even managed to partially resolve my complicated relationship with journalling.

That's why I decided to become a Friend of the Museum. I've saved quite a bit on counsellor fees over the last 9 months, and thought I it only fair to give a portion of what I've saved to become a Friend. Not to mention a member of the Secret Star Society. Fun!

But I felt I should do more somehow. The sign-up page mentions that the Secret Star Society is for people who want to live Self-Fluency. I do, and I have been for some years now. Not just in listening to audio and pressing my acupressure points, but in the way I think and relate to the world.

I have a Giant Novelty Foam Hand. I use my Unseen Ninja Skills. I recently embarked on the Making-And-Selling-Stuff-Thingy (aka MASST, because as a public servant, I believe in acronyms). I'm currently trying to figure out a way to live with laundry.

(Currently, it's to pretend I'm The Tick and say in a really awed and excited voice:
"Wow, I'm doing LAUNDRY.....)

So that's why I'm posting here today. I don't know if this will be a place to post a weekly preparation or wrap-up of some sort, a non-regular repository of rants, or perhaps even thoughts on other things. I'm also famous for losing interest in things sooner or later (usually sooner) so I'm not making any promises that this blog will continue regularly.

After all, my preparation for the week, The Fluent Self version of which can run to over 800 words, is only one single word. This week's focus is Experimenting. Just in case there are no more updates, and if you're interested in art, craft, games and housey things, my other blog is here.

That's all for now.

Monday again!

Monday and I'm blogging again! I think I've realised what it is with Mondays - they're like a new beginning. I always make new plans and think about how I'm going to change things on Mondays - and even sometimes in bed on Sunday nights! Whether I wake up with energy, or wake up already tired, I'm still in the mood to think about positive changes. Monday mornings are like a little mini New Year for me. This is much better than it was up until recently - Mondays were a day of beating myself up and regretting not doing all the things on the weekend that I wanted to do and/or should have done. Not only were they the traditionally subdued day, being the start of the working week, but they were a day when I made myself feel miserable and berated myself for my lack of motivation. As I think I mentioned a little while back, I'm doing a lot less beating up of myself now - it wasn't a conscious decision, I just slowly started to realise I wasn't doing it anymore. And I guess this new attitude towards Mondays is a reflection of that. I often get in the mood to make lists of my intentions, like: I'm going to: drink a bottle of water every day; drink a cup of green tea every day; go for a walk every day; draw every day; craft every day, wear a quirky accessory every day, etc etc! So much to do!Even (as I did last night in bed) making declarations to myself like: "I'm going to lose __ kgs by this time next year! Yeah, it'll be great, I'll look better and feel better about myself and as a reward I can wear a really cool costume to next year's Convention!" Sheesh, the things you think about when you're lying in bed with insomnia! In the warm light of day, I think it would work much better for me if I focused on becoming healthier and achieving fitness goals, rather than losing x no. of kilos. I feel good about the start I've made with that - my Baby Elephant Walk project. Husband and I went for a walk on the weekend as well. At first I felt really stiff and achey (well, I'd been sitting still in front of the computer all day!), not to mention embarrassed, hoping no-one saw me, but after a little while, I started to loosen up, and by the end of it, I felt really good. It was only 20 minutes, but it was better than what I've been doing for the last however-many weekends, which is nothing!

Speaking of doing better things, for about the last week, I've been really feeling like I want to continue developing my spirituality. And, in a linked way, doing things that make me feel more calm and peaceful. For example, I had an urge to write some haiku last week. I dunno, I was feeling really attuned to the change in seasons, and I wanted to express it somehow. Then I had an urge to write a short essay about that form of poetry (cause I'm such a dork-ademic, hehehe), which I posted on my Craft Blog. I had to write it during my lunch breaks, as by the time I get home from work, I'm too physically and mentally tired to concentrate on anything like that. On the weekend I don't feel so bad, but my brain is in a different space: my time is taken up with socialising, and surfing the beauty blogs and inspirational tumblrs (and exercising last weekend, for the win!). But when I step away from all that and remember the core things, that's when I feel the best.

I don't really like to talk about my spirituality. It's very private for me. It's a bizarre mixture of Western, Eastern and elements that most people wouldn't even consider to be related to spirituality. I was about to write that it's irrelevant to this blog anyway, which is supposed to be about my health and fitness. But I don't think that's 100% true. I try to take a holistic approach where I can. That's why I've decided to try acupuncture.

Meanwhile...

Meanwhile, on a slightly more earthy and only vaguely related note, my dandruff problem seems to be clearing up. If you've never had dandruff, then you won't understand how embarrassing it can be and how much of a blow to a person's confidence it is. When it started to appear, I got a bottle of trusty Head & Shoulders Dry Scalp, which always worked for me in the past. But after using up 3/4 of the bottle, I finally had to admit it was making the problem worse. My hair was even feeling greasy, which is a problem I don't normally have. So I switched to Selsun Blue. I only used it for the first time yesterday, but I can see an improvement already. Things are looking up!

Way Too Early, Saturday Morning

Idiotic brain woke me up at 6.30am this morning and made me lie there, bored, thinking about work. So I decided to get up and do something more constructive - like playing on the internet!

Obviously felt like taking action earlier in the week, because I went through those solutions that I brainstormed and condensed them down into 4 weekly actions/tasks/Recommendations, call them what you will. I wrote them up at work and then left them there, so I'm recreating them from memory here. They were:

1. walk at lunchtime (twice a week at first, then more as I build up energy)

2. exercise on the weekend (actually do it, not just tell myself I will and then bum around on the computer!)

3. organise healthy snacks to eat at work and when I get home

4. meditate regularly: guided meditation once a week, and self-done daily.

OK, so I haven't really made much of a plan as how I'm going to implement these recommendations; that's much harder! It's so easy to tell yourself to do something, much harder to fit it in and remember to do it every day with the bustle of real life getting in the way. I mean, geez, I don't even have time to do things I enjoy doing, let alone things I should be doing!

*sighs*

OK, that was my whinge-of-the-day.
Now what can I do?? Just do it? Set reminders for myself? Be more organised?
Been there, done that! (Or haven't done that, is what I really mean.)
So what is the difference? Between saying I'll do something, and then ruminating, procrastinating and agonising ; and just going ahead and doing it happily, as a natural part of life?

Motivation? That's fleeting. It disappears as quickly and mysteriously as it appeared. The first time you've had a flat-out day at work, you're stressed, you've got pizza shapes in the cupboard ... it's all over red-rover!
What's needed is a change of mind - to know that you're really worth it (to borrow a cheesy catchphrase!). To know that you deserve to be healthy and feel good. To have that solid centre that no stress or setback can affect.
Where can I get one of those??!

More thinking is in order, obviously.

And the Winner Is...

Remember how I mentioned that I took part in the Race Around Oz virtual walk for my workplace well-being programme? I got the funky free pedometer and all? Well, I did my duty and recorded my steps every day. I got really sick of wearing the pedometer, so I did the sensible thing - I wore it for the first few days to get an baseline number of steps for normal work day, normal weekend day, etc. Then I just wore it when I was doing anything different or unusual e.g. exercising, going to the shops, looking at houses, etc. I just added the extra number of steps I did on to the average. I was really careful not to plump up the numbers, in fact I even subtracted a couple of hundred steps here and there so it wouldn't seem like I was cheating.

We all have the best of intentions, but in the end I only did proper cardio exercise 2 or 3 times during the month. We got a sheet which explained how to convert other types of exercise into steps (e.g. swimming, weights, etc.) so I dutifully used it to convert the 2 short toning sessions I did.

Well, guess what?? I was astounded to find at the end that I'd walked over 190kms in the course of the (almost a) month! I couldn't believe it! I mean, I did go for just a couple of walks, and I did go on a couple of mammoth 2-3 hour shopping trips to the local mega-centre, but ... wow!

And not only that but ... I won the competition! I was gobsmacked!
I logged on to the website every couple of days to enter in my details and every single time I was at the top of the leaderboard. I thought, oh yeah, everyone else probably has their stats written down somewhere and is going to enter them in at some point. But even on the last day I was still at the top! I beat the regular walkers, the gym junkies, everyone!

I'm 100% sure that I didn't actually walk/exercise more than anyone else who entered. Don't get me wrong, I'm not putting myself down, I'm just being realistic. I don't go to the gym, I don't work out regularly. I spend the weekends at home on the internet. I heard a few of the others mentioned that they got sick of wearing the pedometer and gave up. So I feel like I won on false pretenses. I'm glad there was no official announcement or handover or anything, because I would have been highly embarrassed.

Negative Nancy says:
the fattest person in the whole place, winning an exercise competition?? She must have cheated!!

Either that, or everyone else exercises even less than I do! (And those that exercise more didn't have the time or diligence to do the competition properly.)

In truth, I put my win entirely down to good record-keeping, and an ingrained impulse to do what other people expect of me. Nevertheless, I won this prize, which is actually pretty sweet:



It's a waterbottle ; microfibre towel ; hand sanitiser ; healthy eating cookbook ; and nude food mover lunchbox. It's a much better prize than I expected. I will try to accept it with grace.

Meanwhile ...

Last night I found this website called The Purpose Fairy. It has posts like:
15 Things You Should Give Up To Be Happy
Give Up Your Self-Defeating Self-Talk
3 Golden Rules For A Better Life
Maybe I was feeling a bit hippie last night, but there were a few bits that I found quite inspiring.
I've started to collect quite a few inspiring links. I'm thinking of putting them together on a special page.

Cheerio!

Some Thoughts

Not feeling very chatty lately, but I thought I'd just post a quick update anyway. Things have been like a whirlwind lately, I don't know if I'm coming or going. I feel like I have so much to do, and I'm scared I won't get it all done on time. Or that something will go horribly wrong. Was too busy cleaning on the weekend to pay any attention to what I was eating. So the only times I got a green tick was when I skipped meals. That bumped my score up each day from 'pathetic' to 'quite sad', but still it's not the best way of increasing my daily score. I just don't have time to worry about it too much at the moment though. There are too many other things to worry about! If there was a world championship for worrying, I'd probably be in the top ten in the world, I reckon! This time next week though, one of the biggest stresses will be done with, and I can start concentrating on myself and my journey again. Boy and I are planning a holiday in a couple of months, so at least that's something to look forward to!

Meanwhile ...

I wrote the following this morning. I wasn't sure if I was going to post it. This writing is much more personal than I'm used to. But then I decided to share it, in the hopes that it would help in some way. Perhaps I'll write more in more detail about my past at a later time.

Lately I've been looking around for blogs, books and other resources on positive body image, etc. I'm the kind of person that, any problem I have, I try to solve it by finding out more about it. Anyway, naturally quite a lot of the resources talk about eating disorders. I've been aware of them for a long time. In school we were warned about them. I remember being given a book about a girl that had anorexia. I still remember the story - she wanted to be a ballerina, but the pressure to be thin was so bad that she stopped eating and nearly died. I knew I would make sure never be like that. I liked food way too much for that! Somehow, I never realised that things could go the opposite way, too. Or, if I did, I was too young and didn't love myself enough to care. Socially awkward, painfully shy, books and food were my only constant friends. In high school, I went to some lengths to be able to eat in private, so I didn't have to feel ashamed. Then later, when I moved out of home and lived in my own room at Uni, I was free to eat whatever I liked, whenever I liked. When I was hungry, when I was lonely, when I was bored, when I was heartbroken, when I was stressed about a deadline. But it was OK because I didn't have anorexia or bulimia ... right? I knew that I ate whenever I was unhappy, lonely or stressed, but I thought everyone did it. Or drank, or did whatever to cope. One day I saw a poster up at Uni for a body image workshop being run by a PhD student. The types of women they were looking for included those who overeat. I can't remember why, but I decided to go. Was it mere curiosity? Was it because I wanted to meet other people like me? Was it because I finally realised that something was wrong with me? In any case, I'm very glad that I went to the sessions. I got to meet 4 amazing women and hear their stories. I felt like one of them, like we were all in it together, struggling with these issues. I wasn't alone. I was very sad when the sessions ended. I did a lot of thinking at that time.

Now, the material I've been reading has started me thinking again. ...
Are the issues that I've had and am having actually an eating disorder? Did I have one? Do I still have one? Am I 'recovering' (as the material terms it)? If I do have one, how bad is it? Can I get help? Do I need help?
More importantly though ... Would it help me or hinder me if I apply this label to myself? Would it change the way I feel about myself and my body? Would I feel freer, or more trapped? In purely practical terms, would it stop my cravings? Would it help me achieve my goals of becoming fitter and healthier?

I don't know the answers to these questions. These are just some thoughts that I'm having right now.

Yesterday I was having an email conversation with B. The subject of N & P's wedding and what we were going to wear to it came up. I've been stressing about it on and off for about a year now. The dress code is 'something that makes you feel awesome'. So at first I thought I'd go with some fantastic outfit based on the characters that I dreamt up when I was a kid. Then eventually, the more I thought about it, the outfit got less and less fantastic - thinking about how I'd look in it, and how I wished I looked in it. How my body should be if I were to do the costume any justice. I kept toning the outfit down until eventually it was nothing like what I really wanted at all. I'm really starting to get fed up with it. At times I just feel like giving up and making a giant black muumuu to wear! Every time I try to think of an outfit that would make me feel awesome, the problem is - I keep circling back to the fact that nothing would make me feel awesome because I don't like the body underneath it.

That kind of ruins the party, doesn't it?

I started getting a bit upset and having lots of negative thoughts (I won't repeat them here because in hindsight they were pretty dumb!). I couldn't walk it off like I'd done the day before because I was on late shift at work, so I just had to sit on it and stew. On the way home I detoured into the library and got 3 books on body image. - I'm the kind of person, when I have a problem, I always try to solve it by learning more about it. - I didn't really have any time to think about it, though - until I woke up at 5am again this morning. It seems Body and Brain conspired to force me to think about this problem! In order to try and solve it, I started thinking about the times when I have felt awesome (there've been a couple!) in the last couple of years. Who was I with? And where was I? They were usually really casual occasions, where I didn't have to dress up, and the focus was on what we were doing. A few times, I've felt pretty awesome when I was dressed up (e.g. my birthday party this year), but that was when I was really trying my hardest to give Negative Nancy the boot for the evening. And that's when it hit me -

It doesn't matter what I wear,

all that matters is how I feel!

It's so simple, really. I can't believe I didn't think of it earlier. There's no need for fancy, elaborate costumes. I could be wearing the most beautiful ball gown ever made, and feel terrible. I could be wearing a pair of scuffy old jeans and my peasant blouse and feel fantastic. So I'm not going to stress out about what to wear anymore. From now on, I'm going to concentrate on getting into a frame of mind which will allow me to feel awesome. Hopefully not just on the day, but every day!

A Fashion-Related Mini Epiphany

Later That Day....

I just happened to be wearing my favourite top today. It's a cute little number with pintucks on the bodice and narrow navy and white stripes. I just like how it looks on me, and I wear it at least once a week.

Anyway, I was at the Doctor's after work. At the end, after all the normal stuff, he said to me, "Sorry if I was looking at you a bit funny today, but whenever I look at your top, it gives me a migraine!" I said, "Sorry!" and we laughed. (He's a very laughy doctor.) But later on, as I was walking down the street, I thought, so maybe that's why people were looking at me with funny looks all day today. I was getting paranoid that it was because of my weight, but maybe it was actually because my top was giving them headaches! And I burst out laughing.

I was reminded that it's not all about me after all.

Some Thoughts

First post in my new blog format, yay!

I can't go for my Monday walk tonight, I have a few things to do after work. When I realised, I was disappointed. I was actually looking forward to my walk - the fresh air, listening to my music, getting to look at everything for a bit longer instead of rushing past it on the tram. I'll just have to make it Tuesday Walk this week instead.

On An Unrelated Note ...

Last night I was thinking a bit more. Ever since I started losing weight, I always assumed that losing weight and liking yourself the way you are didn't really go together. I mean, how could they? People lose weight because they don't like their bodies, right? How can you love and accept something while you're trying to change it? I had trouble getting my head around this for a long time - I still am. But a while back, I started to get really sick of the situation I was in. There were so many things I wanted to do, but noooo, I had to wait until I'd lost weight to do them. To wear pretty dresses with confidence, to do a bellydancing course, to go to a craft meetup and meet new people (people who were bound to be much cooler, more confident and thinner than me!). To make that dance video and post it on YouTube. To walk into the Zine Shop in person and say, "hi, would you like to sell my zines?" Whenever I thought about doing anything like that, immediately a voice in my head said, "nah, I'll wait til I've lost weight, til I've lost at least __kgs". Or "I couldn't possibly do that when I look so frumpy and dorky!" Or "it won't be any fun cos I'll be all self-conscious about my weight so I might as well wait." In the end, I got so unbelievably frustrated. I still am, in fact, because even though I'm more aware of this voice now, I still haven't figured out a way of getting rid of it. And I haven't yet done any of those things I mentioned.

But last night I was thinking, it's like my cat. (I love a good metaphor, so here we go!)
I love my cat, I think she's sweet and adorable. However she does have some issues:
- she sheds;
- she has a tendency to wake Boy and I up early in the morning on weekends to be fed;
- a few times recently she's gotten really stressed out and pooped on the rug instead of in her tray.

Now, I don't like any of these things about her, but I know she doesn't do them on purpose, and it doesn't change the way I feel about her. I do my best to solve these problems sensitively by:
- vacuuming regularly to keep the hair situation under control;
- trying to be understanding because she does get fed early in the morning 5 days out of every week and she doesn't get the concept of sleeping in;
- doing my best to eliminate any stressful elements in her environment.

Even though there are some things I don't like about her, I would never hurt her, never stop loving her, and I do the best I can to keep her happy and healthy. I try to change those things that I don't like, sometimes by influencing her directly, sometimes by changing things in her environment. But I always do it with a spirit of love and acceptance. And the things I can't change, I try to be understanding about.

How great would it be if I could have the same attitude towards my body?

Sunday Stuff

The weekend! I went out shopping today. Boy and I just needed a bit of a shopping spree to cheer us up, I think. He bought a fancy coffee grinder, and some tea, and we both bought clothes and computer games. Also I bought a salt lamp. I have no idea if it actually has the health benefits that it says on the label, but the changing colours are pretty and relaxing to look at, so that's something! We had cheese on toast for breakfast, and chicken burgers with chips for lunch at the shopping centre. Yeah, not so healthy! I'm still very bad at keeping under control on the weekends. However, instead of going ahead and finishing my burger, I stopped when I was no longer hungry, and didn't eat all my chips either. That was something I realised I needed to start doing again - stop before I get full, not just keep going until it's all gone.

The last few weeks, I was trying to save money by not taking my vitamins. I thought they weren't really important. Not a good idea! Exhibit No. 1: my eczema has gone crazy-bonkers-bananas!! I get it on my left hand, on the palm. Well, it's flared up pretty badly, becomes unbearably itchy a couple of times a day. And a few times I've given in to that and scratched it (or rubbed it against something sort of sharp like the edge of a table) until it no longer itched. Because the skin is so thin, it opened up a fairly large crack. Ooops! It's healing now, but yeah, not so good. Also, I was getting a tingling feeling in the palm of my other hand, and noticed some very small flaky patches. Which is NOT good at all - I haven't had eczema on that hand in years, and I don't want it to start up again! So I'm back to taking my Omega 3-6-9s again. For sure, twice a day, no skipping! It costs money, but it's just not worth the aggro to skip them. Learning it the hard way, silly me!
And who knows what skipping the other vitamins has done to me - I don't even want to think about it!

This week as well, I haven't been too good physically. My hip and lower back have been playing up again. Normally if that happens I just do some stretches and it goes away after a day or two, but not this time. My hip's been like this for almost a week now, on and off. It's worse if I sit still (e.g. at work or on the internet at home - the 2 things I spend the most time doing!!), but it gets better if I move, do gentle walking. It's hard to get started though, because it hurts! I have just been trying to keep in mind though, that it'll get better. Boy and I did a whole bunch of walking as part of our shopping spree today. We decided to walk around the whole place, and it took hours! I'm surprised we didn't buy more, actually. ;) The computer game I bought was a Kinect game (of course!) - I might play a bit later on after I've washed my hair tonight.

I've just now found this Body Peace Pledge as I was surfing around, and I thought it was pretty cool. The pledge is posted on the Seventeen Magazine website. Part of me thinks it's rather sad that I'm getting advice from a magazine aimed at teenagers - I'm 35 years old for heck's sake, surely I would have worked all of this out by now??! When I was younger, I just assumed that things would naturally get easier as I got older. But often I feel like I'm taking 1 step forward, 2 steps back, like the old saying goes. I believe that everyone is on their own path, some are further along it than others, everyone has setbacks, everyone is doing the best they know how. And actually, as I think a bit more about the points on the pledge, I'm doing much better than I was just a few years ago. I used to get so hurt when I saw a disgusted look on someone's face when I was walking down the street, and so angry when I saw a pitying look. For a long time, I just refused to look people in the face at all. I would wear my ipod so I couldn't hear any comments, and didn't wear my glasses so all the faces were just a blur, if I did happen to accidentally break my habit and start looking at people.

A few months ago, I started to realise how sad that really is! How awful is that?! I used to love people-watching! I used to love wandering around the city, just looking at all the buildings. I had given that up completely. So I have started to be brave again and I wear my glasses, and I look at people, look them in the face even, sometimes! And if they choose to notice me, think or feel something about me, choose to let that thought or feeling show on their face - that's their business, not mine!

I do still wear my ipod though, cos I love listening to music. ;)

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Various Ramblings

This morning I didn't feel like eating breakfast. I had a porridge sachet and dried fruit, but I was really craving some toast with vegemite. But in my drawer at work - no bread, no vegemite, so sad! So I kept putting off making my breakfast until it was almost morning tea time. I'm rostered for the early lunch break today, so that wasn't a biggie. But then it's a looong time til afternoon tea time. Normally I try and have lunch as late as I can, then there's less time to try and resist afternoon cravings. So days like this throw me out a little bit.

Last night I went to the supermarket on the way home to get some things for dinner. Was starving hungry (not a good time to shop, I know!). Haven't had time to have afternoon tea before I leave work this week, we've been short-staffed and I was too busy. Plus I've been walking part of the way home every night. That means the hungry-beast was on the loose! Was starting to fall into that familiar struggle of wandering around the supermarket so hungry, craving something really unhealthy, and desperately trying to find something healthy that would do instead. Came across a jar of bocconcini cheese in brine in the sale section. I thought, why not? I had them dipped in a little olive oil and mixed herbs. Probably not as healthy a snack as it could have been, but definitely more sophisticated. ;)

Then last night I was browsing fashion blogs. Overall I find it a really positive thing to do. But when I do, I've noticed I have a lot of different reactions all happening at the same time:
* Excited and positive seeing ladies of all different shapes and sizes, in all different types of outfits, being fabulous! I don't feel alone anymore. Yay for the blogosphere! It makes me feel that I could be like them. That I can look sophisticated and professional in work-wear (ref. to my rant the other day). It makes me want to start a fashion blog of my own!
* Less pressured. I'm starting to lose that thought I used to have - that I have to lose X amount of weight before I can start dressing like I really want to. Before I can do that bellydancing class, or make that Japanese street fashion-inspired outfit I've been dreaming of. Or even show photos of my sewing projects on my craft blog. Not that I've actually done any of these things yet, but it just seems more possible than before, if that makes sense. :) And so, losing the maximum amount of weight RightNowDammit!! doesn't seem quite so urgent.
* A bit sad and disappointed in myself that I don't have the confidence to dress like that and be like that. But I'm definitely further along on my path than I was say, a year ago. Back then, I used to read my Shop Til you Drop magazine and think: when I've lost weight, that's what I'll wear and that's where I'll shop. Now, I read it and think: where can I get clothes like that in my size? How can I take bits of a fashion I like and add them to my look? Do I have the ability to make clothes like that in my size?
* Angry and frustrated that here in Australia I can't get most of the fabulous clothes I see. And the few I can get are overpriced! Some of the U.S. and U.K. webshops post internationally now, but they have very high shipping, and I like to try clothes on before I buy them. I have a fairly unusual body shape, and anything fitted just doesn't seem to sit right on me. And anything not fitted I could probably make myself, if I could find the right fabric. And speaking of:
* Really motivated to get crafty and sew some clothes of my own! I get all righteous and think, why should I let some marketing person who's only out to appeal to the great masses decide what I get to wear?! I'll just make my own, dammmmmit! Anika makes all her own clothes herself. Georgina and Gabi have altered clothes with great success. (Georgina also designs her own fabric and makes dresses from it, and she makes and sells her own jewellery - she's my current crafty idol!)
So why can't I just make clothes that exactly fit the vision in my head of how I want to look?? (Part of me cringed even still when I wrote that last bit, but that's an over-share for another day.)

Gosh, I've gone on quite a bit today, haven't I? Sorry about that. Off to lunch now!

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Blech!

Well, blech! I've been feeling all blecchy lately. I feel tired, weak and stiff. And I'm sick of it! No wonder, really. I only did proper exercise 1 day last week. Did do quite a few mail runs (the ones that involve a 20min walk - I've timed it - they sort of half-count). But no proper exercise. I'm sick of feeling this way! And finally weighed myself this morning after getting new batteries for the scales - and I've put on 1.5kgs. Blergh. I guess it could have been worse though, but still - I'd rather see the scales going down than up. I'm never going to lose a satisfactory amount of weight by November!! And why is it always so cold and dark? I don't feel like exercising cos, by the time I get home, it's dark. And cold. Blergh! When will winter end??!

Sorry about all the whingeing ... Now what can I do about it??

I haven't been eating my boiled egg every morning recently, and I've really been noticing the difference. Boy says he has, too. I have less energy, and when I get to work, I'm absolutely starving. So I'm going to make sure I have my egg every morning.

This week I made my Focus: "To exercise every day to the best of my ability." Maybe it sounds a bit wussy when I put it that way, but was feeling really tired yesterday when I decided on it, and I think I just wanted to give myself a bit of a break, and not beat myself up too much if I don't do some crazy, pumped-up workout every single day. I know that I'm probably feeling so tired because I haven't done any exercise lately, it's like a vicious circle, but it can be fixed!

Another funny thing is - last night I made my own butter. No idea what got into me! Butter, so unhealthy. But more healthy than margarine, some say. It was interesting anyway. So we're using a little in our mashed potato, and the buttermilk we're saving to make maybe pancakes or scones. I eat less bread than I used to, so using less margarine anyway. Or is that just an excuse?

Seeing as I've put on weight, I can't keep on thinking like this.

Later That Day ...

Really gotta lose weight. That's what I keep thinking to myself. I've been lucky so far. But if I get a job where I have to wear more formal clothes to work, then I'll be very unhappy. I look terrible in a shirt. The buttons down the front make my tummy look bigger. If I get one that's loose, I look like a solid block, and if I get one that's fitted, I don't fill it out up top, and I look like a solid block with puffs of fabric on it. So that's why I keep thinking, the only solution to this is to lose weight. The more it seems like I might have to get a different job, the more stressed out I'm getting about this particular point. Gotta lose weight, that's the only way to solve this problem. I don't really hate my body, I just hate the way it looks. Hm, does that make sense? I'm a bit worried that it doesn't.

Off for a walk now!

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Thoughts

Was just reading an article online about how people who have had gastric banding or bypass surgery are 4 times more likely to develop an addiction to something else afterwards, like alcohol or shopping. I'm really not surprised to hear that. Like it says in Weight Loss for Food Lovers if you're finding it hard to stick to a 'healthy eating plan' (PC name for Diet ) and having trouble losing weight, you've probably got psychological issues and need to see a counsellor rather than a nutritionist. I've always figured that, but it's interesting to see the figures. It made me think about whether I would ever consider having something like that done. I don't think I would, unless I was literally about to keel over. Sure, it solves the problem at hand, but it's not a long-term solution. You need to learn to change your habits for the rest of your life, or you'll just put the weight back on. Plus for me, there's another aspect too. I'd feel like I was giving up. I still believe that I can (and will) lose weight naturally. Giving up on that would mean I've lost faith in myself. And doing something so invasive and drastic to my body, which I'm working so hard on loving - well, it'd be like betraying my body. My body knows what it's doing - it's my brain that doesn't!

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Okay, this thing isn't really working for me anymore. The food diary has become a real chore. I know they say that keeping a food diary enables people to lose more weight. Well, the companies that offer food diary systems seem to say that anyway. I don't know if everyone else does! So I would feel guilty on giving it up. But I also feel guilty that, while I note down everything I eat in a Word document, I keep getting days behind on entering it in the website. Then I feel bad, but I can't be bothered with the effort, I let it lag further behind, I feel even worse, then it's even more effort and more discipline to spend an hour entering in the last week's worth of food, etc etc.

*sighs*

I think I need to re-evaluate this whole thing. How much benefit am I really getting out of the food diary? Can I let it go? Will I be happier? Will I continue to lose weight? Are there other parts of CK that are helpful for me and that I want to continue to use? Will I eat healthy if I'm not keeping track of what I'm eating? (To be honest, I don't eat that healthy when I do!)
I'm sure that I'll continue using the blog. I just love spewing out my most personal feelings for all and sundry to read. ;) And I've found the check-in diary (recording weight and measurements) to be very useful too. I just need to find a way of balancing the other stuff that works for me, that's more holistic, that's accountable, but more casual and laid-back (i.e. involves less effort! )
Stay tuned.............


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Downhill?

Last night I was thinking - I'm starting to think that I've back-slid a bit when it comes to nutrition. I think I'm eating not enough veges, and too many bread products. (Bread products, mmmm!). But I have no way of telling objectively. Before I started using CK, I used to record my nutrition in my food diary on a spreadsheet - i.e. so many serves of fruit, vegetables, cereals, etc every day. I found it really helpful, though I admit it was sometimes hard to stick to the recommended daily serves. CK doesn't have a facility for doing this. I could do it in a spreadsheet again - that way I could have the tables and pretty colours that I had before. The disadvantage of that is that I can't share it online. I could put a summary of the stats on my blog, but I don't want to clog up my blog with boring stats! Then again, it's my blog and I can do what I want with it! :P

I guess the reason I'm hesitant is that I might get bored with doing it every day. What if I skip a day, or a whole weekend? I'd feel bad. The other thing is - when I had the spreadsheet, I had all the extra information I needed to calculate the servings, right there on the spreadsheet. As well as the summary. As well as the food diary itself. It was very convenient. Don't get me wrong, I don't want to go to back to the spreadsheet. It didn't calculate totals of calories or fat, so I had no idea if I was eating too much or exercising too little. Plus it wasn't online so there was no accountability.

So I don't know. I'll need to have a think about how to do this.



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