Some Thoughts

Not feeling very chatty lately, but I thought I'd just post a quick update anyway. Things have been like a whirlwind lately, I don't know if I'm coming or going. I feel like I have so much to do, and I'm scared I won't get it all done on time. Or that something will go horribly wrong. Was too busy cleaning on the weekend to pay any attention to what I was eating. So the only times I got a green tick was when I skipped meals. That bumped my score up each day from 'pathetic' to 'quite sad', but still it's not the best way of increasing my daily score. I just don't have time to worry about it too much at the moment though. There are too many other things to worry about! If there was a world championship for worrying, I'd probably be in the top ten in the world, I reckon! This time next week though, one of the biggest stresses will be done with, and I can start concentrating on myself and my journey again. Boy and I are planning a holiday in a couple of months, so at least that's something to look forward to!

Meanwhile ...

I wrote the following this morning. I wasn't sure if I was going to post it. This writing is much more personal than I'm used to. But then I decided to share it, in the hopes that it would help in some way. Perhaps I'll write more in more detail about my past at a later time.

Lately I've been looking around for blogs, books and other resources on positive body image, etc. I'm the kind of person that, any problem I have, I try to solve it by finding out more about it. Anyway, naturally quite a lot of the resources talk about eating disorders. I've been aware of them for a long time. In school we were warned about them. I remember being given a book about a girl that had anorexia. I still remember the story - she wanted to be a ballerina, but the pressure to be thin was so bad that she stopped eating and nearly died. I knew I would make sure never be like that. I liked food way too much for that! Somehow, I never realised that things could go the opposite way, too. Or, if I did, I was too young and didn't love myself enough to care. Socially awkward, painfully shy, books and food were my only constant friends. In high school, I went to some lengths to be able to eat in private, so I didn't have to feel ashamed. Then later, when I moved out of home and lived in my own room at Uni, I was free to eat whatever I liked, whenever I liked. When I was hungry, when I was lonely, when I was bored, when I was heartbroken, when I was stressed about a deadline. But it was OK because I didn't have anorexia or bulimia ... right? I knew that I ate whenever I was unhappy, lonely or stressed, but I thought everyone did it. Or drank, or did whatever to cope. One day I saw a poster up at Uni for a body image workshop being run by a PhD student. The types of women they were looking for included those who overeat. I can't remember why, but I decided to go. Was it mere curiosity? Was it because I wanted to meet other people like me? Was it because I finally realised that something was wrong with me? In any case, I'm very glad that I went to the sessions. I got to meet 4 amazing women and hear their stories. I felt like one of them, like we were all in it together, struggling with these issues. I wasn't alone. I was very sad when the sessions ended. I did a lot of thinking at that time.

Now, the material I've been reading has started me thinking again. ...
Are the issues that I've had and am having actually an eating disorder? Did I have one? Do I still have one? Am I 'recovering' (as the material terms it)? If I do have one, how bad is it? Can I get help? Do I need help?
More importantly though ... Would it help me or hinder me if I apply this label to myself? Would it change the way I feel about myself and my body? Would I feel freer, or more trapped? In purely practical terms, would it stop my cravings? Would it help me achieve my goals of becoming fitter and healthier?

I don't know the answers to these questions. These are just some thoughts that I'm having right now.