I'm at home at the moment. I'm in job limbo -- technically my job has ended, but only because the funding has run out, NOT because the work has run out. So I'm at home, not knowing if more funding for my position is going to be approved. I could always call the temp agency and ask if there's any work at the moment, but I think I'm giving myself a couple of weeks off. It's the time of year for it. But I digress: I didn't want to talk about work today.
It's Tuesday and I haven't yet renewed Ralph (my weekly to-do list and tracker) or chosen a word for the week. And I'm perfectly fine with that. I hadn't filled up the page last week anyway, there's room for more. Perhaps the word I would choose would be "Relax", only I could still get a call saying the funding has been approved and to go into work. Part of me thinks, "you know it's unlikely to happen so soon, you may as well relax and plan as if you're having this week off." Part of me can't quite do that, though.
I haven't written much here because I've been participating in the Secret Star Society. It's a lot of fun and I've been able to head off some Stuff at the pass by writing about it and sharing it there. But there are a few things I'm still hesitant about. I get most of the sections, but I'm still having trouble with Rally. It's for processing and working on projects, I know that. But it seems really daunting. Perhaps I should re-read the Book of Rally Keys? When I read it the first time though, I got the impression that Rally was this big thing that you need to set aside at least one full day for. Create a safe sanctuary-like space, quiet time, etc. Do proper entry and exit. (I haven't even learned ways that these work best for myself yet!)
But on the other hand, I love how you can talk about anything, from the heart-wrenching to the trivial, without fear of judgement. I can write about my mixed feelings on not buying as many christmas presents this year as in past years. I haven't even started thinking about how I'm going to cope with christmas day yet! It's so comforting to know that other people are going through similar situations, and also that I can leave a comment of support. I've been on for just over a week, and I'm starting to feel a sense of community.
It's just struck me as funny that I'm writing about writing. And now I'm writing about writing about writing! Just write. That's what an article I read earlier this morning said.
Speaking of writing, I've been hesitant to work on the colitis-themed zine. I've been unable to decide how far to go. I could tell all the stories of my experiences, but they're really quite disgusting. I want to share my experiences and speak the truth, but I don't want to gross people out. I'd been thinking about this for a couple of weeks. Then yesterday (the first day of my lack-of-funding-imposed exile, coincidentally), I accidentally went back to sleep after Husband went to work. When I woke up, a name popped into my head. It was the most ridiculous, gnomey, pantomimey name, it made me laugh. I wrote it down so I didn't forget it later, and went on with my day. A few hours later I realised -- I can use this character! He can be the one to tell the stories! I will abrogate all responsiblity and blame for grossing people out onto this character. It was quite exciting.
Showing posts with label work. Show all posts
Showing posts with label work. Show all posts
20 December 2016
22 November 2016
Art, Anxiety and Indecision ... and Lists, Apparently
Isn't it funny how, one day, you're excited and motivated and want to do ALL the (creative) things RIGHT NOW! And then the next day, you feel like you're wallowing in mud, it's not worth doing anything and your art is rubbish?
Last week, I felt so sure that I had to create art. I felt it burning inside of me. I wrote about it on my craft blog. I needed to do something to make the world a better place, and I just knew that making art -- art that would make people happy -- was what I needed to do. I held on to this all through the week. Even when I was feeling tired and couldn't do anything creative, I thought, I'm just taking care of myself right now, and that's fine. I'll keep working on it soon. One day on the way to work, I was so excited to start writing that I was almost literally jiggling in my seat!
This week is different, though. My doubts have returned. I'm scared to paint in case I ruin the canvases. I'm at a loss as to what to write about. It seems pointless to finish my zine. Having anything done in time for the exhibition in January seems absolutely impossible and terrifying. The monsters are loud and it's hard to placate them.
I ask myself - why is this? Have I fallen back into "old ways"? Is it just because I'm tired this week and still sick? (And sick of being sick!) Work has been escalating pretty quickly lately, too. I'm working an extra day this week -- I agreed to it months ago to cover my colleague who's on leave at the moment. My workload has suddenly increased and there's more on the way. I've found myself involved in some workplace politics which was something I thought I'd be able to avoid as a temp. I could write a whole post about work, but I'm not sure it would help.
The problem is, I'm not sure what would help. Well, I know some things: more sleep, more walking and other movement. But what else? I'm in one of those moods where I want to change things, do something different. But what? Those people who are into Bullet Journalling are amazing. They spend hours making and decorating beautiful journals, works of art just as much as to-do lists. But then they actually do everything on the lists! Amazing! I feel inadequate and envious, until I remember that I have a chronic illness and they probably don't. (Yes, I know, I'm making an assumption there. I'm just writing out my thought process.)
I make lists and then I don't do most of the things on them. I've been doing it for years. It's almost like a ritual at this stage. No, not almost, it is a ritual, every week. Every season. It used to be every year as well, but I stopped that.
It must work for me though, because what needs to be done gets done. Having everything I need to do written down, whether I do it or not, is also very comforting. I need to keep doing that. Bullet Journalling is not for me, I know that. I already have a system that works for me, in its own way. And my Hobonichi is the place for the pretty things and the daily event diary. I prefer to keep them separate. Plus -- in bullet journalling, you don't cross things off, you just put a little 'x' next to them! Crossing things off is too satisfying, I can't not do that!
(I don't know how I got from doubts about my art to to-do lists!)
Whenever I want to start something new, I hesitate because I think I'll fail. Or it will all happen too slowly because I'm just so tired and I'll work on it tomorrow or on the weekend and then that turns into months later and I'm still sleep-deprived and dissatisfied with my life. But things are different now to how they used to be. I'm different.
What I want to remember is that I have changed. I am changing, all the time. I can start writing and not have it end up as just a big whinge. I can start something and realise it isn't working for me and change it or stop doing it, without beating myself up. Something can take a long time to get done, but that's OK because I can only do the best I can with the time and energy I have.
I need to re-remind myself --
* My perception of myself in my mind is that I work part-time. I actually work 4.5 and sometimes 5 days a week. (This week it's 5.5 days.) That's actually close enough to full-time to be full-time! Give myself the credit!
* I have a chronic illness. I'm not just lazy or tired because I don't exercise enough. It's actually the other way round most of the time.
* I do pretty well considering my anxiety. Every day, I confront things that trigger my anxiety. I'm very brave!
* The world is a pretty tough place at the moment. I'm still not sure yet, but it's possible that my HSP and some other factors mean that I plug into the mood of people around me and the wider world in general. I need to take that into account.
* My art is awesome! It makes people happy!
Last week, I felt so sure that I had to create art. I felt it burning inside of me. I wrote about it on my craft blog. I needed to do something to make the world a better place, and I just knew that making art -- art that would make people happy -- was what I needed to do. I held on to this all through the week. Even when I was feeling tired and couldn't do anything creative, I thought, I'm just taking care of myself right now, and that's fine. I'll keep working on it soon. One day on the way to work, I was so excited to start writing that I was almost literally jiggling in my seat!
This week is different, though. My doubts have returned. I'm scared to paint in case I ruin the canvases. I'm at a loss as to what to write about. It seems pointless to finish my zine. Having anything done in time for the exhibition in January seems absolutely impossible and terrifying. The monsters are loud and it's hard to placate them.
I ask myself - why is this? Have I fallen back into "old ways"? Is it just because I'm tired this week and still sick? (And sick of being sick!) Work has been escalating pretty quickly lately, too. I'm working an extra day this week -- I agreed to it months ago to cover my colleague who's on leave at the moment. My workload has suddenly increased and there's more on the way. I've found myself involved in some workplace politics which was something I thought I'd be able to avoid as a temp. I could write a whole post about work, but I'm not sure it would help.
The problem is, I'm not sure what would help. Well, I know some things: more sleep, more walking and other movement. But what else? I'm in one of those moods where I want to change things, do something different. But what? Those people who are into Bullet Journalling are amazing. They spend hours making and decorating beautiful journals, works of art just as much as to-do lists. But then they actually do everything on the lists! Amazing! I feel inadequate and envious, until I remember that I have a chronic illness and they probably don't. (Yes, I know, I'm making an assumption there. I'm just writing out my thought process.)
I make lists and then I don't do most of the things on them. I've been doing it for years. It's almost like a ritual at this stage. No, not almost, it is a ritual, every week. Every season. It used to be every year as well, but I stopped that.
It must work for me though, because what needs to be done gets done. Having everything I need to do written down, whether I do it or not, is also very comforting. I need to keep doing that. Bullet Journalling is not for me, I know that. I already have a system that works for me, in its own way. And my Hobonichi is the place for the pretty things and the daily event diary. I prefer to keep them separate. Plus -- in bullet journalling, you don't cross things off, you just put a little 'x' next to them! Crossing things off is too satisfying, I can't not do that!
(I don't know how I got from doubts about my art to to-do lists!)
Whenever I want to start something new, I hesitate because I think I'll fail. Or it will all happen too slowly because I'm just so tired and I'll work on it tomorrow or on the weekend and then that turns into months later and I'm still sleep-deprived and dissatisfied with my life. But things are different now to how they used to be. I'm different.
What I want to remember is that I have changed. I am changing, all the time. I can start writing and not have it end up as just a big whinge. I can start something and realise it isn't working for me and change it or stop doing it, without beating myself up. Something can take a long time to get done, but that's OK because I can only do the best I can with the time and energy I have.
I need to re-remind myself --
* My perception of myself in my mind is that I work part-time. I actually work 4.5 and sometimes 5 days a week. (This week it's 5.5 days.) That's actually close enough to full-time to be full-time! Give myself the credit!
* I have a chronic illness. I'm not just lazy or tired because I don't exercise enough. It's actually the other way round most of the time.
* I do pretty well considering my anxiety. Every day, I confront things that trigger my anxiety. I'm very brave!
* The world is a pretty tough place at the moment. I'm still not sure yet, but it's possible that my HSP and some other factors mean that I plug into the mood of people around me and the wider world in general. I need to take that into account.
* My art is awesome! It makes people happy!
18 November 2016
Work, Anxiety and Being a Guru
In the last week I've come to realise that anxiety has been ruling my life more again. With everything that's been happening in my life -- and in the world -- recently, it's not a surprise. Of course, my ideal job would be to work from home, only contacting people by email, but I can't have the archives delivered to my house to work on! Even having to travel to work is bearable, as long as the train isn't too crowded and again, much of my contact with other people is done via email. However, there are some aspects of my current job which require me to approach people in person. I'm very bad at this, especially when it requires asking them to do something. Even asking a question to find out about something I don't know often makes me feel uncomfortable.
I'm working on several projects at the same time, some more urgent than others. In the last month or so, I've let my anxiety dictate what tasks to focus on instead of prioritising logically by urgency. My Instant Gratification Monkey and my monsters teamed up to push me towards tasks that allowed me to avoid contact with people. I mean, if I have to choose a task to do, which is more fun? Going up to someone and telling them they have to spend half their week indexing their files because the people who used to do it for them are under-resourced; or making up a pretty spreadsheet with pretty colours and fonts?
Yeah, I know. That darned Monkey.
Part of me says -- once this job is over (I'm only contracted for another 2 months) I should find a nice, backroom job with a big team where I can hide anonymously in a corner and work through fifty-thousand-line spreadsheets to my heart's content and never speak to anyone. The other part of me says -- if I really want to be a real archivist, like N___, then I need to get out there and do good work and get myself known, so people will want me and I can pick and choose my jobs and I can bestow my wisdom whereever I go. I want to be enticed out of retirement to work on 'one last job'.
What I would actually like, I think, is something in between those two. But no matter which path I steer, the monsters will get in my way, if I let them. Even if I'm not planning on a brilliant career and ultimate guru status, even if the art thing takes off and I go in that direction instead, I still need to make a living. Then there's the question of leading a happy and fulfilled life.
That night, I gave meditation another go, with my Insight Timer app. I set it for one minute, but I was only just getting into it when it ended, so I repeated it for two minutes. (I make myself laugh!) Yesterday on the way to work, I listened to the Fluent Self's Destuckification Station audio. When I notice my monsters trying to tell them things, I tell them to be quiet! I really want to open up my journal and have a conversation with my monsters. I'm still not sure if I will take up acupuncture again; there are a few other avenues to explore, too.
I'm working on several projects at the same time, some more urgent than others. In the last month or so, I've let my anxiety dictate what tasks to focus on instead of prioritising logically by urgency. My Instant Gratification Monkey and my monsters teamed up to push me towards tasks that allowed me to avoid contact with people. I mean, if I have to choose a task to do, which is more fun? Going up to someone and telling them they have to spend half their week indexing their files because the people who used to do it for them are under-resourced; or making up a pretty spreadsheet with pretty colours and fonts?
Yeah, I know. That darned Monkey.
Part of me says -- once this job is over (I'm only contracted for another 2 months) I should find a nice, backroom job with a big team where I can hide anonymously in a corner and work through fifty-thousand-line spreadsheets to my heart's content and never speak to anyone. The other part of me says -- if I really want to be a real archivist, like N___, then I need to get out there and do good work and get myself known, so people will want me and I can pick and choose my jobs and I can bestow my wisdom whereever I go. I want to be enticed out of retirement to work on 'one last job'.
What I would actually like, I think, is something in between those two. But no matter which path I steer, the monsters will get in my way, if I let them. Even if I'm not planning on a brilliant career and ultimate guru status, even if the art thing takes off and I go in that direction instead, I still need to make a living. Then there's the question of leading a happy and fulfilled life.
That night, I gave meditation another go, with my Insight Timer app. I set it for one minute, but I was only just getting into it when it ended, so I repeated it for two minutes. (I make myself laugh!) Yesterday on the way to work, I listened to the Fluent Self's Destuckification Station audio. When I notice my monsters trying to tell them things, I tell them to be quiet! I really want to open up my journal and have a conversation with my monsters. I'm still not sure if I will take up acupuncture again; there are a few other avenues to explore, too.
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