Isn't it funny how, one day, you're excited and motivated and want to do ALL the (creative) things RIGHT NOW! And then the next day, you feel like you're wallowing in mud, it's not worth doing anything and your art is rubbish?
Last week, I felt so sure that I had to create art. I felt it burning inside of me. I wrote about it on my craft blog. I needed to do something to make the world a better place, and I just knew that making art -- art that would make people happy -- was what I needed to do. I held on to this all through the week. Even when I was feeling tired and couldn't do anything creative, I thought, I'm just taking care of myself right now, and that's fine. I'll keep working on it soon. One day on the way to work, I was so excited to start writing that I was almost literally jiggling in my seat!
This week is different, though. My doubts have returned. I'm scared to paint in case I ruin the canvases. I'm at a loss as to what to write about. It seems pointless to finish my zine. Having anything done in time for the exhibition in January seems absolutely impossible and terrifying. The monsters are loud and it's hard to placate them.
I ask myself - why is this? Have I fallen back into "old ways"? Is it just because I'm tired this week and still sick? (And sick of being sick!) Work has been escalating pretty quickly lately, too. I'm working an extra day this week -- I agreed to it months ago to cover my colleague who's on leave at the moment. My workload has suddenly increased and there's more on the way. I've found myself involved in some workplace politics which was something I thought I'd be able to avoid as a temp. I could write a whole post about work, but I'm not sure it would help.
The problem is, I'm not sure what would help. Well, I know some things: more sleep, more walking and other movement. But what else? I'm in one of those moods where I want to change things, do something different. But what? Those people who are into Bullet Journalling are amazing. They spend hours making and decorating beautiful journals, works of art just as much as to-do lists. But then they actually do everything on the lists! Amazing! I feel inadequate and envious, until I remember that I have a chronic illness and they probably don't. (Yes, I know, I'm making an assumption there. I'm just writing out my thought process.)
I make lists and then I don't do most of the things on them. I've been doing it for years. It's almost like a ritual at this stage. No, not almost, it is a ritual, every week. Every season. It used to be every year as well, but I stopped that.
It must work for me though, because what needs to be done gets done. Having everything I need to do written down, whether I do it or not, is also very comforting. I need to keep doing that. Bullet Journalling is not for me, I know that. I already have a system that works for me, in its own way. And my Hobonichi is the place for the pretty things and the daily event diary. I prefer to keep them separate. Plus -- in bullet journalling, you don't cross things off, you just put a little 'x' next to them! Crossing things off is too satisfying, I can't not do that!
(I don't know how I got from doubts about my art to to-do lists!)
Whenever I want to start something new, I hesitate because I think I'll fail. Or it will all happen too slowly because I'm just so tired and I'll work on it tomorrow or on the weekend and then that turns into months later and I'm still sleep-deprived and dissatisfied with my life. But things are different now to how they used to be. I'm different.
What I want to remember is that I have changed. I am changing, all the time. I can start writing and not have it end up as just a big whinge. I can start something and realise it isn't working for me and change it or stop doing it, without beating myself up. Something can take a long time to get done, but that's OK because I can only do the best I can with the time and energy I have.
I need to re-remind myself --
* My perception of myself in my mind is that I work part-time. I actually work 4.5 and sometimes 5 days a week. (This week it's 5.5 days.) That's actually close enough to full-time to be full-time! Give myself the credit!
* I have a chronic illness. I'm not just lazy or tired because I don't exercise enough. It's actually the other way round most of the time.
* I do pretty well considering my anxiety. Every day, I confront things that trigger my anxiety. I'm very brave!
* The world is a pretty tough place at the moment. I'm still not sure yet, but it's possible that my HSP and some other factors mean that I plug into the mood of people around me and the wider world in general. I need to take that into account.
* My art is awesome! It makes people happy!
