Brave Things I've Done Lately

It's important to acknowledge these things, so here we go: ➸ Got a job ➸ Spoke to strangers ➸ Got up and went to work every day ➸ Travelled on crowded public transport ➸ Had a near-panic attack on the train but just dealt with it and didn't think any less of myself for it afterwards ➸ Went to Sticky to take out a membership (well, I attempted to anyway - they were closed) ➸ Signed up to show my art at an exhibition (with, like, people and stuff!) ➸ Went to the work Christmas lunch ➸ Chaired a meeting ... two! ➸ Rang up (on the phone!!) to book a restaurant ➸ Went to visit my new friend at her house - on my own! ➸ Went to a night market and ate food - in front of strangers! Some of it was even fried! ➸ Left supportive comments on blog/forum posts ➸ Started to think of myself as part of a community

Work, Anxiety and Being a Guru

In the last week I've come to realise that anxiety has been ruling my life more again. With everything that's been happening in my life -- and in the world -- recently, it's not a surprise. Of course, my ideal job would be to work from home, only contacting people by email, but I can't have the archives delivered to my house to work on! Even having to travel to work is bearable, as long as the train isn't too crowded and again, much of my contact with other people is done via email. However, there are some aspects of my current job which require me to approach people in person. I'm very bad at this, especially when it requires asking them to do something. Even asking a question to find out about something I don't know often makes me feel uncomfortable.

I'm working on several projects at the same time, some more urgent than others. In the last month or so, I've let my anxiety dictate what tasks to focus on instead of prioritising logically by urgency. My Instant Gratification Monkey and my monsters teamed up to push me towards tasks that allowed me to avoid contact with people. I mean, if I have to choose a task to do, which is more fun? Going up to someone and telling them they have to spend half their week indexing their files because the people who used to do it for them are under-resourced; or making up a pretty spreadsheet with pretty colours and fonts?

Yeah, I know. That darned Monkey.

Part of me says -- once this job is over (I'm only contracted for another 2 months) I should find a nice, backroom job with a big team where I can hide anonymously in a corner and work through fifty-thousand-line spreadsheets to my heart's content and never speak to anyone. The other part of me says -- if I really want to be a real archivist, like N___, then I need to get out there and do good work and get myself known, so people will want me and I can pick and choose my jobs and I can bestow my wisdom whereever I go. I want to be enticed out of retirement to work on 'one last job'.

What I would actually like, I think, is something in between those two. But no matter which path I steer, the monsters will get in my way, if I let them. Even if I'm not planning on a brilliant career and ultimate guru status, even if the art thing takes off and I go in that direction instead, I still need to make a living. Then there's the question of leading a happy and fulfilled life.

That night, I gave meditation another go, with my Insight Timer app. I set it for one minute, but I was only just getting into it when it ended, so I repeated it for two minutes. (I make myself laugh!) Yesterday on the way to work, I listened to the Fluent Self's Destuckification Station audio. When I notice my monsters trying to tell them things, I tell them to be quiet! I really want to open up my journal and have a conversation with my monsters. I'm still not sure if I will take up acupuncture again; there are a few other avenues to explore, too.

To Acupuncture Or Not?

I think I'm going to start getting acupuncture again.

I first started getting acupuncture just over 2 years ago. I wanted to see if it could help with my various ailments, but mostly my colitis and my anxiety. I also felt that it was important to do something for myself. I came to love my treatments. I'm not sure it worked so well on my colitis, as that varies a lot, but it definitely helped my anxiety.

During that time, my practitioner left and I was recommended to another one at the same clinic, but that was fine. When the second practitioner decided to move to a private practice, I went too, even though the location was less convenient. At the start of this year, after my old job finished up, I had an appointment as per normal. Normally I would go after work, but I couldn't be bothered travelling there from home. Just as I did with my counsellor, I called up and cancelled my appointment, intending to make another one at a later date. But I never did.

Instead, I decided to observe myself, to see if my symptoms worsened -- to see if it was worth returning. Over time, I found that my anxiety was worse again. There was no logical reason for it to be. Many of the things that I knew to trigger my anxiety were not currently present in my life. I'm fairly certain that I have GAD (Generalised Anxiety Disorder) as well. Lately, it's been affecting my work, which is a real concern. I started to think about returning to acupuncture, but I hesitated.

I never liked the new practice very much. The way it was run, the logistics of getting home from there, the atmosphere and several other reasons made it so that I never settled in or felt comfortable there. In fact, I realised that my anxiety was increased when I went there. A treatment that was meant to reduce my anxiety actually increased it! Plus, the practitioner in the last few months had started to talk about various other treatments that I didn't feel were very relevant to me and it made me feel slightly uncomfortable. So, as much as I liked her personally and thought that her treatments were effective, I came to the conclusion that I would not return there.

I really like community acupuncture. The clinic I first went to was run this way. I thought I would return there, but I was saddened to find out yesterday that it's closed down. Apparently there are several community-style acupuncture clinics in Melbourne now, but of course there are also other options for dealing with anxiety as well. I'd like to do some research into these before deciding.

3 Years Later -- How My Brain Has Changed

Reading back through my blog posts from 3 to 5 years ago, I'm really surprised at how focussed I was on how much I ate, what I ate and how much I exercised. I don't know if I really thought about those things that much, or I only wrote about them so much because the blog was a health/fitness/weightloss blog. Probably the latter, but it did also reveal a lot about how my thought processes worked and the kind of language I used in talking to myself.

Quite a few of the posts are embarrassing to read now, as I don't think that way or view myself that way anymore. I thought about deleting some, if not all of the posts, but in reading through them I was reminded of many things that happened during that time. I also had some insights and ideas which I think I might find useful now.

* I beat myself up very much less than I used to. This is awesome. I don't really know how it came about. If there's anyone reading this blog and wishing for advice, I don't really know what to say. I just slowly seem to have let go -- let go of perfectionism, let go of comparing myself to other people (though it's still something I need to constantly remind myself of, especially when I'm on social media!). There were a lot of little incidences here and there, like comments from Husband and friends, which made me think about things and slowly start to re-arrange my priorities.

* I think that having our own house has helped immensely. I finally have a place that's mine. I don't have the looming shadow of real estate agents and landlords wanting to come and inspect the place always in the back of my mind. Not to mention the possibility of being kicked out again on someone else's whim. It's more relaxing to be at home. I have privacy. I have a garden that I can spend time in and do whatever I want to. In fact, gardening has become, not just a hobby, a great passion and solace for me in the last three years. I know that not many people are lucky enough to have this -- I try to be aware of my privileges -- but I'm mentioning it just as an observation, not to brag etc.

* I notice that I used to make a lot of lists of things that I was determined to do that week, and then not do them, come back to the blog and whinge about how much I sucked. Things like exercise x times, drink x bottles of water, have NO DESSERT EVER!!!, etc. I think the main problems with that were: a) I had no way of recording whether I actually did what I said I was going to do; and; b) I don't even like being told what to do by myself, let alone by anyone else!
I seem to have solved this problem somewhat organically a couple of years ago. I added a section to my weekly to-do list, to record whether I did several things each day, including drunk enough water, went for a walk, washed my face, etc. I'm constantly reminded to pay attention to these things because I check my to-do list many times a day. I give myself points and a reward if I did these things more days than last week. I call it Improvement On Last Week (IOLW), and it's part of my larger Frequent Walking Points system -- something that I created during the time I was writing the blog, and which has stuck around. Perhaps I'll write about it more at a later time.

* I developed some different ways of coping. Some of them were what I started to call Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms (UCMs). (As much as I joke about over-formalised language and using acronysims, I find that it helps me deal with concepts that are difficult to think about.) When I finally realised how unhealthy they really were, it was a bit of a turning point, and I reverted back to some healthier ones that I'd used in the past instead. I let myself relax a lot more than I used to. And just acknowledging that you need coping mechanisms to get by in life is important, I think. Whether it's daydreaming, watching guilty-pleasure TV, having a hobby that you spend a certain (reasonable) amount of money on, etc. It's important.

* Around the start of this year, not long after I finished up at my old job, I decided to renew my spiritual side. Before, I've found it a great comfort and a reminder of what's important in life. I set up a ... well I'm not sure what you'd call it, altar is not really the right word. A shelf to keep my special things on, including my runes (of which I bought a new set), Tao Te Ching cards, crystals, and things I've collected like feathers, pine cones, stones, etc. I committed to spending time reading on spiritual things, and thinking about them. I've come to some conclusions and made progress on other lines of thought. This might never have happened, had I not had the time to think about them while I was unemployed ... between jobs ... under-employed ... a housewife ...
I spent a bucketload of time on Tumblr, gathering information and resources, finding new blogs, reading about other people's experiences, etc. I know it's trendy lately to call yourself a witch, but it was nice to see other pagans out there representing.

That's all I can think of right now. Perhaps more will come up as I think about things more; I've also flagged some of the posts/ideas as potentially helpful, so I may write more about those at a later time.