Do I Have Diabetes?

I'm about to find out.

I just got back from having the diabetes test done with my best friend. It was surprisingly non-interminable, though having a friend with you to pass the time surely helps with that. We were there for about 2-1/2 hours. Blood is taken once, then you drink a bottle of sugar water, wait an hour, take more blood, wait a second hour, then take more blood. Then you are free to proceed directly to the nearest Hungry Jack's for breakfast.

I don't feel like I have diabetes, though you never can really tell, I guess. It's probably not like Colitis where it's relatively easy to tell: do I have an intestinal cramp? Am I doing diarhoea right now? Then yes, quite probably. I'm going to try hard not to think about it until I get the results. There may not be anything to worry about.



Meanwhile, I've been very involved with the Fluent Self community and I love it! It opened about a month ago, and it's really starting to feel like the regulars are forming a community: sharing their guts out, writing encouraging comments on everyone else's posts, etc. I haven't written any really in-depth, soul-searching type posts yet, and sometimes I wonder if I'm going about things the 'wrong' way. But there is no wrong way! And besides, I'm also doing the Path of Colouring course, and I've had a few zingers come out of that. Perhaps once that's over, I'll do a proper Rally day and really dig up those monsters and give them a good talking to. I'm just not really feeling the need to do it right now. There's no point in forcing myself, right?

Work, Writing and other 'Wr' Words

I'm at home at the moment. I'm in job limbo -- technically my job has ended, but only because the funding has run out, NOT because the work has run out. So I'm at home, not knowing if more funding for my position is going to be approved. I could always call the temp agency and ask if there's any work at the moment, but I think I'm giving myself a couple of weeks off. It's the time of year for it. But I digress: I didn't want to talk about work today.

It's Tuesday and I haven't yet renewed Ralph (my weekly to-do list and tracker) or chosen a word for the week. And I'm perfectly fine with that. I hadn't filled up the page last week anyway, there's room for more. Perhaps the word I would choose would be "Relax", only I could still get a call saying the funding has been approved and to go into work. Part of me thinks, "you know it's unlikely to happen so soon, you may as well relax and plan as if you're having this week off." Part of me can't quite do that, though.

I haven't written much here because I've been participating in the Secret Star Society. It's a lot of fun and I've been able to head off some Stuff at the pass by writing about it and sharing it there. But there are a few things I'm still hesitant about. I get most of the sections, but I'm still having trouble with Rally. It's for processing and working on projects, I know that. But it seems really daunting. Perhaps I should re-read the Book of Rally Keys? When I read it the first time though, I got the impression that Rally was this big thing that you need to set aside at least one full day for. Create a safe sanctuary-like space, quiet time, etc. Do proper entry and exit. (I haven't even learned ways that these work best for myself yet!)

But on the other hand, I love how you can talk about anything, from the heart-wrenching to the trivial, without fear of judgement. I can write about my mixed feelings on not buying as many christmas presents this year as in past years. I haven't even started thinking about how I'm going to cope with christmas day yet! It's so comforting to know that other people are going through similar situations, and also that I can leave a comment of support. I've been on for just over a week, and I'm starting to feel a sense of community.

It's just struck me as funny that I'm writing about writing. And now I'm writing about writing about writing! Just write. That's what an article I read earlier this morning said.

Speaking of writing, I've been hesitant to work on the colitis-themed zine. I've been unable to decide how far to go. I could tell all the stories of my experiences, but they're really quite disgusting. I want to share my experiences and speak the truth, but I don't want to gross people out. I'd been thinking about this for a couple of weeks. Then yesterday (the first day of my lack-of-funding-imposed exile, coincidentally), I accidentally went back to sleep after Husband went to work. When I woke up, a name popped into my head. It was the most ridiculous, gnomey, pantomimey name, it made me laugh. I wrote it down so I didn't forget it later, and went on with my day. A few hours later I realised -- I can use this character! He can be the one to tell the stories! I will abrogate all responsiblity and blame for grossing people out onto this character. It was quite exciting.

Words, Work and Operations

Firstly, yes I know I didn't post for a couple of weeks. [Insert whinge about being tired and sick here.] Just for the record, my word of the week last week was Recovering, and I actually did quite well at that. I haven't picked a word for this week yet and it's already Thursday, so I'm fairly sure by now there isn't going to be one. I haven't given up or anything like that -- it's just that everything has been so scattered that whenever I tried to think of a word, my brain just swirled and the thoughts blew away. So this week is wordless.

Work has been very busy. Well, it's always busy, but now I'm being given projects with deadlines, so there's more of a sense of urgency. I was writing blog posts and snippets during my lunchbreak, but lately I feel too tired. I enjoy what I'm doing, I feel more comfortable there, and my teammates have expressed their appreciation, so that's nice. There have been a couple of factors that contributed to me feeling more comfortable, I think, but I might write about them later.

The Making-And-Selling-Stuff-Thingy is developing in some unexpected ways. I didn't work on my zine or painting for a while, as my "What's the Point?" monster was in my face a lot for a couple of weeks. But I've been invited to participate in an art exhibition on chronic illness, which opens on 20th January. How amazing is that??! How terrifying is that??! It's resulted in my art going in a slightly different direction than it has been, but I'm open to that. I'd been planning to write a zine on my colitis for years. The paintings will be harder. The types of subject matter I want to depict is different, more complex, than I'm used to doing. I've been practicing drawing, but I need to do more. I feel like it'll take much more time than what I have, to get to a standard that I can be even vaguely satisfied with. There's nothing for it but to practice every day and hope I can get what's in my head down onto canvas in some way.

A lot seems to be happening lately. I signed up for a series of webinars on realising your dream, one a week for the next 5 weeks. I can download them and listen to them at any time though. I'm still trying to work through the 10-part Finding Your Style course, which I think is unofficially on hold at the moment.

And just today..........

Both of the Fluent Self courses I signed up to opened! It's intense, but I feel excited, not overwhelmed. (At the moment, anyway!) I'm not too sure what to expect from either of them. The Monster Colouring course -- is it just colouring, or writing as well, or something else? Colouring is an easily-justifiable fractal flower for my art. The Star Society is more like a forum -- there are no set assignments, and you can take part as much or as little as you want. Of course I want to take part as much as possible, to make me feel like I got my money's worth (though it makes me feel crass to admit that). But also as a regular practice to help me work on my Stuff. Not to mention nosing into other people's stuff being part of a community of like-minded people.

Progress on Operations
I only have one Op at the moment, so I'm not sure it's worth mentioning.* But it's been stalled for months, so perhaps I should mention it! Operation Konbini has completely stalled. I know what I need to do, and I've written a short list of next steps, I just balk every time it comes to it. Even my tech-savvy friend asking me every single week if I've done it yet and insisting that it's so unbelievably easy etc etc, hasn't spurred me on to do anything. Perhaps airing this particular piece of dirty laundry in public will finally be the impetus I need.

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* I guess the Making-And-Selling-Stuff-Thingy is also an Op, but I mentioned that earlier, and it's really an ongoing thing rather than a discrete project, so I'm not sure if I can call it an Op. What are the rules about that? Even if there are any rules? Let's not worry about that now.

Work, Anxiety and Being a Guru

In the last week I've come to realise that anxiety has been ruling my life more again. With everything that's been happening in my life -- and in the world -- recently, it's not a surprise. Of course, my ideal job would be to work from home, only contacting people by email, but I can't have the archives delivered to my house to work on! Even having to travel to work is bearable, as long as the train isn't too crowded and again, much of my contact with other people is done via email. However, there are some aspects of my current job which require me to approach people in person. I'm very bad at this, especially when it requires asking them to do something. Even asking a question to find out about something I don't know often makes me feel uncomfortable.

I'm working on several projects at the same time, some more urgent than others. In the last month or so, I've let my anxiety dictate what tasks to focus on instead of prioritising logically by urgency. My Instant Gratification Monkey and my monsters teamed up to push me towards tasks that allowed me to avoid contact with people. I mean, if I have to choose a task to do, which is more fun? Going up to someone and telling them they have to spend half their week indexing their files because the people who used to do it for them are under-resourced; or making up a pretty spreadsheet with pretty colours and fonts?

Yeah, I know. That darned Monkey.

Part of me says -- once this job is over (I'm only contracted for another 2 months) I should find a nice, backroom job with a big team where I can hide anonymously in a corner and work through fifty-thousand-line spreadsheets to my heart's content and never speak to anyone. The other part of me says -- if I really want to be a real archivist, like N___, then I need to get out there and do good work and get myself known, so people will want me and I can pick and choose my jobs and I can bestow my wisdom whereever I go. I want to be enticed out of retirement to work on 'one last job'.

What I would actually like, I think, is something in between those two. But no matter which path I steer, the monsters will get in my way, if I let them. Even if I'm not planning on a brilliant career and ultimate guru status, even if the art thing takes off and I go in that direction instead, I still need to make a living. Then there's the question of leading a happy and fulfilled life.

That night, I gave meditation another go, with my Insight Timer app. I set it for one minute, but I was only just getting into it when it ended, so I repeated it for two minutes. (I make myself laugh!) Yesterday on the way to work, I listened to the Fluent Self's Destuckification Station audio. When I notice my monsters trying to tell them things, I tell them to be quiet! I really want to open up my journal and have a conversation with my monsters. I'm still not sure if I will take up acupuncture again; there are a few other avenues to explore, too.

3 Years Later

Hello!

It's been a long time. Three years. I can't quite explain why that is. Well, I can explain one of the reasons -- an announcement over at The Fluent Self. I've increasingly been using the techniques taught and modelled there to help me deal with my Stuff, and it's helped me get through some bad times in the last few years. When, earlier this week, it was announced that The Fluent Self was in a (possibly permanent) spot of bother, I was naturally quite concerned.

There were ways on the site to help out, and I decided to take up one of those ways. So now I am a Friend of the Museum. I hesitated at first, because the financials were fairly substantial and there was the option of donating instead. But then I remembered about no longer seeing my counsellor anymore. Well, it wasn't a conscious decision. I missed an appointment back in February and said I'd re-book but I never did. At first it was because I was 'between jobs' and wanted to save money. During that time though, I started to think seriously about whether I was getting enough benefit from counselling anymore to be worth it.

In the meantime, I did a lot of thinking about other things -- work, life, relationships, society, social media, etc. I also did The Fluent Self's Stone Skipping Not-A-Course (a month-long group journalling space). I realised that the materials and techniques at The Fluent Self have been much more helpful to me in the last few years than my counselling sessions have been. The 10-minute audio that I can listen to on the way to work, and that certain spot to press on my hand when in a terrifying meeting are much more immediate and helpful than 1 hour a month vaguely recalling the crap stuff that's happened. I've even managed to partially resolve my complicated relationship with journalling.

That's why I decided to become a Friend of the Museum. I've saved quite a bit on counsellor fees over the last 9 months, and thought I it only fair to give a portion of what I've saved to become a Friend. Not to mention a member of the Secret Star Society. Fun!

But I felt I should do more somehow. The sign-up page mentions that the Secret Star Society is for people who want to live Self-Fluency. I do, and I have been for some years now. Not just in listening to audio and pressing my acupressure points, but in the way I think and relate to the world.

I have a Giant Novelty Foam Hand. I use my Unseen Ninja Skills. I recently embarked on the Making-And-Selling-Stuff-Thingy (aka MASST, because as a public servant, I believe in acronyms). I'm currently trying to figure out a way to live with laundry.

(Currently, it's to pretend I'm The Tick and say in a really awed and excited voice:
"Wow, I'm doing LAUNDRY.....)

So that's why I'm posting here today. I don't know if this will be a place to post a weekly preparation or wrap-up of some sort, a non-regular repository of rants, or perhaps even thoughts on other things. I'm also famous for losing interest in things sooner or later (usually sooner) so I'm not making any promises that this blog will continue regularly.

After all, my preparation for the week, The Fluent Self version of which can run to over 800 words, is only one single word. This week's focus is Experimenting. Just in case there are no more updates, and if you're interested in art, craft, games and housey things, my other blog is here.

That's all for now.