What's Come Over Me?

I've been having the strangest time lately. I keep oscillating between feeling amazing and feeling like crap. With the exhibition coming up in a few days though, I guess it's understandable. I'm excited and terrified at the same time. I don't want anyone to read my zine, but I want everyone to read it at the same time! I'm scared I won't get it done on time. I'm scared people will think my paintings are too weird. I'm scared no-one will buy any, and I'm also scared of letting go of my babies.

Monday was a very strange day indeed. I put a lot of concentrated effort into working on the zine and feeling really good about it. Then I did a 20-minute indoor walk video. Then I did 5 Kpop dance videos! And I still felt great! Then after Husband got home, I went out and mowed until the battery on the mower ran out! And I still didn't feel exhausted! I wish I had that sort of energy all the time.

Also on Monday, I'd been watching some youtube videos at lunchtime, and was feeling relly inspired by some of the vlogs I watched. I thought to myself, I want to start vlogging! I mean, what kind of crazy talk is that? I started thinking to myself, it's a new year, I should try something new! I have more way personality than the people in a lot of the vlogs I see! I'll wow them with my funny face and offbeat wit! I even went into the bedroom and made a really short video, just to see what it was like. I discovered several things:
* the camera on my ipad is actually not that bad.
* the light coming through the bedroom window isn't actually that bad.
* I might scrub up ok if I wore makeup and did my hair nice and wore a nice top.
* wow, I look like my Mum! (but not in a bad way!)
* I didn't hate my voice as much as I thought I would. In fact, I quite liked it.

I even googled how to make a vlog, but that was when the doubts flooded in. All the photos of celebrity youtubers and articles on how to engage with your viewers and increase your views and ugh! I remembered that my life is boring and I'd never have anything to talk about and I can't talk to real people let alone a camera and my anxiety would kill it and I gave up on that idea. But still...

Work, Writing and other 'Wr' Words

I'm at home at the moment. I'm in job limbo -- technically my job has ended, but only because the funding has run out, NOT because the work has run out. So I'm at home, not knowing if more funding for my position is going to be approved. I could always call the temp agency and ask if there's any work at the moment, but I think I'm giving myself a couple of weeks off. It's the time of year for it. But I digress: I didn't want to talk about work today.

It's Tuesday and I haven't yet renewed Ralph (my weekly to-do list and tracker) or chosen a word for the week. And I'm perfectly fine with that. I hadn't filled up the page last week anyway, there's room for more. Perhaps the word I would choose would be "Relax", only I could still get a call saying the funding has been approved and to go into work. Part of me thinks, "you know it's unlikely to happen so soon, you may as well relax and plan as if you're having this week off." Part of me can't quite do that, though.

I haven't written much here because I've been participating in the Secret Star Society. It's a lot of fun and I've been able to head off some Stuff at the pass by writing about it and sharing it there. But there are a few things I'm still hesitant about. I get most of the sections, but I'm still having trouble with Rally. It's for processing and working on projects, I know that. But it seems really daunting. Perhaps I should re-read the Book of Rally Keys? When I read it the first time though, I got the impression that Rally was this big thing that you need to set aside at least one full day for. Create a safe sanctuary-like space, quiet time, etc. Do proper entry and exit. (I haven't even learned ways that these work best for myself yet!)

But on the other hand, I love how you can talk about anything, from the heart-wrenching to the trivial, without fear of judgement. I can write about my mixed feelings on not buying as many christmas presents this year as in past years. I haven't even started thinking about how I'm going to cope with christmas day yet! It's so comforting to know that other people are going through similar situations, and also that I can leave a comment of support. I've been on for just over a week, and I'm starting to feel a sense of community.

It's just struck me as funny that I'm writing about writing. And now I'm writing about writing about writing! Just write. That's what an article I read earlier this morning said.

Speaking of writing, I've been hesitant to work on the colitis-themed zine. I've been unable to decide how far to go. I could tell all the stories of my experiences, but they're really quite disgusting. I want to share my experiences and speak the truth, but I don't want to gross people out. I'd been thinking about this for a couple of weeks. Then yesterday (the first day of my lack-of-funding-imposed exile, coincidentally), I accidentally went back to sleep after Husband went to work. When I woke up, a name popped into my head. It was the most ridiculous, gnomey, pantomimey name, it made me laugh. I wrote it down so I didn't forget it later, and went on with my day. A few hours later I realised -- I can use this character! He can be the one to tell the stories! I will abrogate all responsiblity and blame for grossing people out onto this character. It was quite exciting.