So this is Thursday. Nearly the end of the week, and only one sleep til I can sleep in. Yes, it's kind of sad that ones of the highlights of my weekend will be getting to sleep in, but we all have to start somewhere, right? Last Saturday morning I was so happy to be able to stay in bed, that I played Pocket Planes for a while, then I had a nap, then I finished the graphic novel I was reading. I was in bed til about 11.30! How decadent! Normally I'd beat myself up about it, telling myself that I was wasting the day and I had better things to do. But really, what would I have been doing? Sitting on my butt and surfing the internet and eating unhealthy food, not doing exercise or housework or anything I should be doing. I think I've been beating myself up less lately because I'm more realistic. I know that most of the things on my To-Do list are horribly overdue, but many of them are things that aren't really important, like paint my toenails. I just don't feel like doing that right now, and that's OK. I'll do it when I feel like it. Other things are admittedly more important, like exercising and keeping my budget up-to-date. Part of me thinks, "Oh well, I'll just do those things when I feel like it as well, it's no biggie". Another part of me thinks, "No, those are really important to do regularly, you should push yourself, no matter how much you can't be bothered." Either way, nothing's been getting done! Or I do something once, pat myself on the back and don't do it again. But that can't go on forever, can it!
I still feel like I'm on the verge of a change (big or not so big, I don't know). Not, like, quit-my-job big, more like an internal change. I know I've been saying that for a while, but I still feel it. For ages I've been avoiding things - I've been eating unhealthy foods without thinking about it. Exercising just a little bit each week, and telling myself it's enough. Filing away the inspirational emails from Mind Coach without reading them. Not reading the inspirational blogs that I used to read, either. Looking through fashion magazines and wishing I could wear the clothes now, and feeling bad and hating my life. I know it's going to take up to two years to get to the weight I want. The longer I put off starting, the longer it'll take til I get to my goal. So why am I putting it off?? I'm getting more and more frustrated and I really feel like something's going to snap soon. 'Snap' is probably too strong a word, but you know what I mean. Changes.
In Other News....
Last night I had a really strange dream. I dreamed that I visited a Japanese style bathhouse. It was a mixed one for men and women. I don't know if mixed ones even exist any anymore - since the U.S. entered Japan in the 19th century, they decided that mixed bathing was wrong and dirty and made all the bathhouses build separate sections for men and women (even though it was not perceived as sexual at all by the Japanese). Anyway, so this bathhouse was a mixed one. And I want to stress, there was nothing sexual at all about it. So I went in and started doing my bathing business, and there were 2 guys in there. It all just seemed completely normal and I felt fine. I even got into a chat with one of the guys and we talked about all sorts of stuff, including body image. I found out that he had a lot of the same issues I have - it was really interesting to find out that someone who was so different in many ways, could have the same feelings and worries. I felt really relaxed and was having a nice time talking.
Then some more people entered the bathing room. About 10 people entered all at once, and even though the room was quite large, it felt really crowded all of a sudden. The new people were a mixture of men and women, and all of them were young and fit. I suddenly started to feel really self-conscious. I couldn't help comparing myself to them (mostly the women, but also the men as well with their fitness). I stopped chatting and couldn't think of anything to say. All the negative feelings I have about my body just flooded in. It was overwhelming and I just wanted to get out of there. And that was how the dream ended.
It was a pretty depressing dream in the end, but I think it was one of those dreams that's trying to tell me something. You know - stop comparing myself to other people; stop beating myself up; find ways to love and accept myself; seek out people with similar issues. All that jazzy.
I was going to write a long section about why this just seems impossible right now - with work being so busy and feeling so stressed and tired, it seems like a hard slog. But I'm not going to, because I guess I know deep down inside that it's all just a bunch of whingeing excuses. I've always tried not to make excuses - or at least face up to what they really are when I find myself doing it. Regardless, I don't have time to think about all this right now. I'll sit down on the weekend and really think about it, and draw up a plan of the things I can do, the steps I can take.... Will take?? I've done more than enough over-sharing for a Thursday.
