In the last week I've come to realise that anxiety has been ruling my life more again. With everything that's been happening in my life -- and in the world -- recently, it's not a surprise. Of course, my ideal job would be to work from home, only contacting people by email, but I can't have the archives delivered to my house to work on! Even having to travel to work is bearable, as long as the train isn't too crowded and again, much of my contact with other people is done via email. However, there are some aspects of my current job which require me to approach people in person. I'm very bad at this, especially when it requires asking them to do something. Even asking a question to find out about something I don't know often makes me feel uncomfortable.
I'm working on several projects at the same time, some more urgent than others. In the last month or so, I've let my anxiety dictate what tasks to focus on instead of prioritising logically by urgency. My Instant Gratification Monkey and my monsters teamed up to push me towards tasks that allowed me to avoid contact with people. I mean, if I have to choose a task to do, which is more fun? Going up to someone and telling them they have to spend half their week indexing their files because the people who used to do it for them are under-resourced; or making up a pretty spreadsheet with pretty colours and fonts?
Yeah, I know. That darned Monkey.
Part of me says -- once this job is over (I'm only contracted for another 2 months) I should find a nice, backroom job with a big team where I can hide anonymously in a corner and work through fifty-thousand-line spreadsheets to my heart's content and never speak to anyone. The other part of me says -- if I really want to be a real archivist, like N___, then I need to get out there and do good work and get myself known, so people will want me and I can pick and choose my jobs and I can bestow my wisdom whereever I go. I want to be enticed out of retirement to work on 'one last job'.
What I would actually like, I think, is something in between those two. But no matter which path I steer, the monsters will get in my way, if I let them. Even if I'm not planning on a brilliant career and ultimate guru status, even if the art thing takes off and I go in that direction instead, I still need to make a living. Then there's the question of leading a happy and fulfilled life.
That night, I gave meditation another go, with my Insight Timer app. I set it for one minute, but I was only just getting into it when it ended, so I repeated it for two minutes. (I make myself laugh!) Yesterday on the way to work, I listened to the Fluent Self's Destuckification Station audio. When I notice my monsters trying to tell them things, I tell them to be quiet! I really want to open up my journal and have a conversation with my monsters. I'm still not sure if I will take up acupuncture again; there are a few other avenues to explore, too.
