My Path

Yesterday I was having an email conversation with B. The subject of N & P's wedding and what we were going to wear to it came up. I've been stressing about it on and off for about a year now. The dress code is 'something that makes you feel awesome'. So at first I thought I'd go with some fantastic outfit based on the characters that I dreamt up when I was a kid. Then eventually, the more I thought about it, the outfit got less and less fantastic - thinking about how I'd look in it, and how I wished I looked in it. How my body should be if I were to do the costume any justice. I kept toning the outfit down until eventually it was nothing like what I really wanted at all. I'm really starting to get fed up with it. At times I just feel like giving up and making a giant black muumuu to wear! Every time I try to think of an outfit that would make me feel awesome, the problem is - I keep circling back to the fact that nothing would make me feel awesome because I don't like the body underneath it.

That kind of ruins the party, doesn't it?

I started getting a bit upset and having lots of negative thoughts (I won't repeat them here because in hindsight they were pretty dumb!). I couldn't walk it off like I'd done the day before because I was on late shift at work, so I just had to sit on it and stew. On the way home I detoured into the library and got 3 books on body image. - I'm the kind of person, when I have a problem, I always try to solve it by learning more about it. - I didn't really have any time to think about it, though - until I woke up at 5am again this morning. It seems Body and Brain conspired to force me to think about this problem! In order to try and solve it, I started thinking about the times when I have felt awesome (there've been a couple!) in the last couple of years. Who was I with? And where was I? They were usually really casual occasions, where I didn't have to dress up, and the focus was on what we were doing. A few times, I've felt pretty awesome when I was dressed up (e.g. my birthday party this year), but that was when I was really trying my hardest to give Negative Nancy the boot for the evening. And that's when it hit me -

It doesn't matter what I wear,

all that matters is how I feel!

It's so simple, really. I can't believe I didn't think of it earlier. There's no need for fancy, elaborate costumes. I could be wearing the most beautiful ball gown ever made, and feel terrible. I could be wearing a pair of scuffy old jeans and my peasant blouse and feel fantastic. So I'm not going to stress out about what to wear anymore. From now on, I'm going to concentrate on getting into a frame of mind which will allow me to feel awesome. Hopefully not just on the day, but every day!