Weekly Sharing Circle : Last Week's Venting Session

I forgot to post this last week, oops! Catching up....


I'm not doing the full Sharing Circle ritual this week, but I felt a need to check in anyway.

I have become increasingly dissatisfied with everything in the last week. I've been getting headaches again and needing to take painkillers twice a day just to function and not be a horrible person. I really don't like that state of being. I haven't yet been able to quite pin down what the cause is, and it worries me. I've lashed out at my husband a couple of times which makes me feel terrible. Then I have nightmares about things going wrong with our relationship.

I'm not very satisfied with my job at the moment. I thought I'd be working on an archiving project, but I'm increasingly finding myself doing day-to-day operations work. I did that for 8 years and thought I'd moved on. I want to take more ownership of the project but I'm not sure that's appropriate for my role. On the other hand, the people are lovely (only one annoys me and that's only because she's TOO friendly!), the location is great and the pay is also great.

It was a long weekend here in Australia (which is why I'm posting a day late) and my Mum came to stay. She ended up staying 2 nights and we did a lot of fun things together. I really had a lovely time -- and more importantly, she did too! She's been going through a lot the last couple of years, and I'm really glad I could provide a relaxing, fun time for her.

However, it meant I had to give up a lot -- I cancelled my shift at the shop, I couldn't go to yoga, and I didn't have any time to work on art or craft, reading, gardening or KonMari'ing my house. Lately I really feel like my time is being encroached on. Only having (in effect) one day a week to do things I want to do is hard enough.

On the other hand, we went to the Van Gogh exhibition yesterday and ... wow!!! I can't even describe how inspiring it was. That evening I did a drawing of Van Gogh in my Hobonichi using my new pastel blue highlighter. Seeing Wonder Woman the day before was also very inspiring for some female butt-kicking action!

Other things I was really into last week:

- scented candles

- oracle cards and other similar sets of cards

- getting a pocket version of the tao te ching or other inspiring text that I can carry around with me

- anything small that can be carried in the hand and treasured seems to be inspiring at the moment

Weekly Sharing Circle: ___ Writes A Lot!

I’ve been heavily, heavily into Harry Potter the last few weeks. I’ve always liked the series, but since starting to re-read the books, I’ve become a true fan. I finished Goblet of Fire just before sitting down to write this. I’ve been thinking about creating a series called Heroes with portraits of both fictional characters and real-life personalities mixed together, exploring the blurring between fiction and reality that (especially) young people often seem to experience.

I still want to make happy art, but I also want to make sad art and angry art and frustrated art and political art and art with a message and art with no message, mysterious and beautiful.

I’ve been remembering how important daydreaming is for me. (Though I’m not sure if ‘daydreaming’ is the right word for it.) It really is essential for my wellbeing. I think it helps me be creative and come up with new ideas as well. Perhaps it’s a form of mental exercise which improves with practice like a positive feedback loop, and perhaps creativity is such a similar thing that they reinforce each other? Interesting theory.

On Friday, I went to buy art supplies because they had a travel watercolour kit half-price, which would be good to colour in the drawings I’ve been doing in my Hobonichi at lunchtimes at work. They had a Neon Night Garden in the courtyard next door and it was absolutely magical! While I was waiting for Husband to arrive, I took lots of photos and spammed my Instagram with them. Watching people, taking photos and making creative choices editing them all fed my excited, childlike creative side. I also got some canvases and a watercolour pad which I might use to do practice drawings for my Heroes series.

Today I went to fat yoga for the first time and it was awesome! I’d forgotten how good real yoga is, not the unchallenging stretching sessions that I couldn’t even be bothered to do at home. Getting to see Fox again was also awesome. I find her so inspiring, even her schlubby yoga outfits are inspiring! I think the instructor is an artist as well, so perhaps I can glom onto her once I get to know her a bit better. Gee that makes it sound like I’m definitely going again!

Now that my ipod is all set up with my new laptop, I can start listening to podcasts again! Except that I forgot that you have to transfer the podcasts to the ipod after you’ve downloaded them, so I wasn’t able to! I had an old episode of Wild Crazy Meaningful Life on there that I hadn’t listened to yet, though. It was a commentary on the book Big Magic by Elizabeth Gilbert. The two ideas that stuck in my mind were:

Originally, i.e. in ancient Greece and Rome, genius and by extension creativity, weren’t seen as being inherent in a person. They came to a person from outside (hence the 9 Muses in the Greek pantheon). People weren’t perceived as being a genius, but having genius. That meant that anyone could have a genius idea, or be creative. Somehow over the centuries (I’m guessing during the Renaissance and the Romantic period), the concept changed to being an internal one. Only a select group of those born with genius could be creative. So often, when I tell people I’m an artist or they see me drawing etc, they say: “Wow, you’re creative, I’m not creative”. Well, in ancient Greece that would have made no sense at all.
1a. Following on from that, if genius/creativity was something that came from outside of you and ‘visited’ you, then it was natural at times for it to appear and disappear. Things like today’s concept of writer’s block would be seen as a natural part of life. Creativity ebbs and flows, and inspiration was respected as something that comes and goes, and can’t be forced.

2. They also talked about the idea of artists’ suffering. That to create good, ‘valid’ art, the artist must suffer, whether it be emotionally or financially. I think this idea also arose during the Renaissance and became solidified in the Romantic period. Today, it’s such a well-established trope that it’s implied in our conception of and discussion of art. I remember when I studied art history, we studied artists’ lives as much as their art, especially in the periods from the Renaissance through to the end of World War II. The more suffering the artist had been through, or the more peculiar their personality, the more focus there was on how those circumstances shaped their art. So interesting, I could write a whole essay on this. I could put it in my next zine.

Wow, I need to download more of this stuff!

Frustration

This always happens! Doesn't it? Is it always the same? Or should I tell myself that Now Is Not Then? Or is the situation not drastic enough to invoke that? What emotions qualify for soothing techniques such as that? Perhaps, if I'm not feeling happy for any reason, then they qualify.

I want to detail all the ways in which I'm not happy with my life right now, but it seems so repetitive. It happens every time. I don't have enough time or energy for the things I want to do in my life. Every week I tell myself it's going to be different. When I get home after work, I'll do something! Some craft, some drawing, writing in my diary, a module on the course, putting some clothes away. Even if it's just ONE thing, I tell myself, I'll be happy. But it never happens. By the time I get home I'm so exhausted that I forget. Or perhaps I'm not exhausted but I feel like I've done enough today, I don't want to do any more.

I thought I'd solved the problem when I came up with the reminders on my phone. I enter in what I want to do, usually yoga, sometimes one-off things, and set it for a time that I think is appropriate. Either my phone is on silent and I don't hear the reminder, or it goes off and I ignore it. A says, "what's that noise, is that your phone?" Lately, I have to admit, I've gotten into a cynical habit of saying, "hmm, what things do I not want to do tonight?" and I look at the reminders and dismiss them. Or I think, I'll do that later, but I never get up the motivation (or whatever it is) to actually do them later.

There are a lot of other things that I leave to the weekend because they take more time and energy and concentration than I know I'm able to give them during the week. That's OK, but then I don't do them on the weekend, either. Since I started my job a few months ago, I've just lost all motivation to do anything. I spend most of the weekend watching Youtube videos and reading blogs. They're things I want to do, definitely, but they're not creative. It's input, not output. Even when I'm taking in things that are inspiring, I'm not making anything. I mean, I can understand why I don't feel like altering my work pants, but I don't feel like making that pretty skirt I bought the fabric for, or finishing off any paintings. Perhaps it's because I can't convince myself that I'll ever have an occasion to wear the pretty skirt, or that I'll ever do anything as an artist. Perhaps I can't really convince myself that I don't deserve either of these things?

I don't like this! I want to change! Nothing ever happens! I'm really frustrated!

A couple of sources I've seen lately talk about this in terms of connection. If you are truly connected with your art (or whatever it is), you won't have this problem. Working on it every day will come naturally to you. Procrastination is unthinkable. A true foodie would never skip a meal. No-one ever forgets to breathe. You get the point. If you find yourself procrastinating, these sources say, it means you are disconnected from your true creative self. If this is happening, you need to re-connect. It makes a lot of sense to me.

Okay, but how? Most of the sources don't say what to do if you have a day job or two that are sapping all of your energy and leave you with no time to think about things, not to mention colleagues constantly want to chat and won't leave you alone to think even when there is a lull in the work. (That part of me that's still alive is so angry - the game is rigged, TV is opium for the masses, and the capitalist system of work is designed to keep the ordinary person too tired and downtrodden to be able to think of how to change. But I digress ... or do I?)

Right now I'm not able to think of a solution to this problem. All the solutions I've tried so far have failed, either straight away or after a while. There's a video in the creative circle about things you can do while you have a day job. I listened to it once already, but I might listen again today at lunchtime and take notes this time. At least it's something I can do at work which makes me feel like I'm moving closer to ... well, I dunno what I'm moving closer to, but you know, that.

Weekly Sharing Circle : ____ Procrastinates to Great Effect

Well, just like last week, I can say a lot [happened] and very little at the same time! I thought about things a lot. I had a lot of ideas, and started to write them down, too. Sometimes I forget to write them down, and then I forget them and they’re gone forever. I think it’s a good sign that I’m remembering to and wanting to write them down. Most days on the way to work I’ve been reading about art styles and artists on Wikipedia: Primitivism, Neo-Expressionism, Folk Art, Naïve Art. Pacita Abad’s work appealed to me particularly – incorporating quilting, beading and other craft techniques into her high art canvases. It was really inspiring and also, I think, kept me feeling motivated and less sad about not having the time/energy to follow through on my ideas.

I did a few more small drawings in my notebook, but I noticed a difference with them this week. I was having some tough times, both physically and emotionally, and I decided to draw them. I’ve never done anything like this before. My drawings and paintings are always of certain subject matter that doesn’t have much to do with my emotions. I’ve always tried to keep them separate, as I guess I do in life. If I want my paintings to make people happy, there shouldn’t be anything negative in them. But once I’d done one in my Hobonichi, I just wanted to go straight to the pencil and paper any time I was feeling anything negative. It was such a complete turnaround from how I’ve always dealt with these things, I really surprised myself! I also cried this week. I never cry. I mean NEVER. (Well, perhaps once a year: very rarely.) But this week something happened before work one day, and I cried; in front of A. and everything. He didn’t react badly like I thought he would.

On Friday, I had lunch with my photographer friend. He works in the same field as I do, and I’ve come to see him as a mentor in my “day job” but he’s also good for some really interesting chats about art, too. He seemed to enjoy it a lot as well. I think we help to inspire each other. We talked about artists’ statements and how rubbish they are. I thought it would be fun to stick up a blank piece of paper and a pencil on the wall and invite people to write their own statements. Then of course you could turn them into art because everything is art.

I got A. to take me to an exhibition after work on Saturday. It was at the gallery where Fox’s show was earlier in the year, the one that she encouraged me to show work in as well. (I am so very much not at that point yet!) But something drew me to check their website to see what was currently showing. It looked intriguing so I asked A. to take me. Afterwards we had a chat about what we’d seen. I really love it when we’re like that. It was an exercise in asking for things, as well. Sometimes it goes well, sometimes it doesn’t.

Throughout the week I was researching exhibitions and galleries – not just as a visitor, but perhaps an exhibitor. I was even daydreaming about renting a studio space at the end of the year when I can have some holidays, and have some intensive creating time. I found a website which lists spaces for rent in Melbourne, suitable for all sorts of creatives. Interesting! I wouldn’t have even been daydreaming about this sort of thing a few months ago!

And tonight, I updated my ipod with some new music. It was the culmination of a major operation which involved my upgrading to my first smart phone, and moving all my music, podcasts, etc onto my new laptop when my old one died. My old laptop went to live on the farm 18 months ago -- I’d been prevaricating for that long! I’d received so much contradictory advice from so many people that I’d started to become convinced that all my gadgets would explode spitefully in a hideous, raging inferno if I tried even the simplest fix. I found the courage finally, and after only a few minor hiccups, it’s done!

P.S. I decided to make the titles of my Sharing Circle posts less boring. ;)

My Sharing Circle

In the artists' community (for lack of a better term) that I'm a member of, one of the practices is to write a weekly piece on and share it with the group. It's optional (everything is optional) but I decided to start doing it straight away, as once a week didn't seem too much of a commitment. (There's a daily one too, but I can't see myself keeping up with that one.) I've kept up with it happily so far, and always write more than I meant to, which is always pleasing. I thought I may as well share it here on the blog. Not the whole piece -- I don't want to give away the magic secrets! -- but just the section where I wrote about what happened during the week. It's mostly related to creativity, but a little too personal to share on my art/craft blog, so this is where it will go. (Sorry if I refer to some things that don't make much sense -- it was originally written for the other circle members who know what the terms are.) Here's this week's one:

What happened in the last week?

Nothing happened, and so much happened at the same time! I started out the week really wanting to draw every day, but I didn’t end up doing it until Friday. I had my Hobonichi with me at work, and I decided to listen to some CDC videos while I drew. When thinking about what to draw, I decided to do something that expressed how I felt about my injured knee and all the Stuff that’s been coming up around that. It’s very rare that I make art based on my feelings, especially negative feelings, but I thought, why not? So many artists do it. It was a small drawing that didn’t take long, but I felt a lot better after it and moved on to my drawing challenge piece. I didn’t have as long as I would have liked to do that one (lunchtime was nearly over) and I really botched it up, but I didn’t care.

I’ve been quite depressed this week. I’m pretty sure I get Seasonal Affective Disorder, and it’s just hit the time of year when it’s dark when I get home from work each night, and I can’t spend any time in my garden. I’ve also had the knee thing, and been getting headaches again. Also, the dress code at my work is very conservative, and I’ve been feeling more and more sad about not being able to express myself through the way I look. My shift at the shop on Saturday was cancelled though, so I got an extra day off just for myself.

I’ve started thinking a little bit about the next exhibition. Fox is sick at the moment, so it might not be for a while, but she did mention a while back that it might be on the subject of Fatness. I had a few ideas about it this week. (I really must start noting them down!)
(I have to say, I feel like a total faker talking about “my next exhibition”! But technically it’s true: I’ve been in one before, so I should take the credit for that.)

The Basquiat painting that went for $110 million dollars!! Wow!! I was yelling at the TV, “I could totally have made that!!” But he died of a heroin overdose and never got to enjoy the money. The pricetag on an artist’s work always skyrockets after they die, and he had the added mystique of living in the 70s street scene (street art is much more accepted now than it was when he was alive). They showed some of his other works, and I thought, if my art is weird then that’s 100 times weirder! If I don’t demonstrate much technique, his art doesn’t either! It was another sign from the universe that I don’t need to worry about those sorts of things.

Yesterday I did Lesson 6 of the Give Your Dream Wings Course. While I didn’t feel like I really connected with my dream, it was okay. I felt like, with practice, I will be able to. In this session, I had the feeling that I was still working out the venue for the dream, in a strange way. My dream needed to have its environment sorted out before taking the next step. Is it best for me to visualise me and my dream being an actual field, for example, or a nice cosy room, or something else? I would like to do the meditation again in a few days and see what comes up.

I wrote my blog post comparing several different online platforms for selling handmade items. I first did the research late last year when I was first thinking about re-opening my Etsy shop. With the controversial changes that Etsy have just made, I thought it was a good time to revisit it. I didn’t come to a conclusion in the post, but secretly I’m leaning towards Tictail. It was even kind of exciting thinking about sharing my art and zines! And right now, it just occurred to me – even if I don’t make any sales, Tictail is free, so it’s a bit like having a free online art gallery where people can see my work.