This always happens! Doesn't it? Is it always the same? Or should I tell myself that Now Is Not Then? Or is the situation not drastic enough to invoke that? What emotions qualify for soothing techniques such as that? Perhaps, if I'm not feeling happy for any reason, then they qualify.
I want to detail all the ways in which I'm not happy with my life right now, but it seems so repetitive. It happens every time. I don't have enough time or energy for the things I want to do in my life. Every week I tell myself it's going to be different. When I get home after work, I'll do something! Some craft, some drawing, writing in my diary, a module on the course, putting some clothes away. Even if it's just ONE thing, I tell myself, I'll be happy. But it never happens. By the time I get home I'm so exhausted that I forget. Or perhaps I'm not exhausted but I feel like I've done enough today, I don't want to do any more.
I thought I'd solved the problem when I came up with the reminders on my phone. I enter in what I want to do, usually yoga, sometimes one-off things, and set it for a time that I think is appropriate. Either my phone is on silent and I don't hear the reminder, or it goes off and I ignore it. A says, "what's that noise, is that your phone?" Lately, I have to admit, I've gotten into a cynical habit of saying, "hmm, what things do I not want to do tonight?" and I look at the reminders and dismiss them. Or I think, I'll do that later, but I never get up the motivation (or whatever it is) to actually do them later.
There are a lot of other things that I leave to the weekend because they take more time and energy and concentration than I know I'm able to give them during the week. That's OK, but then I don't do them on the weekend, either. Since I started my job a few months ago, I've just lost all motivation to do anything. I spend most of the weekend watching Youtube videos and reading blogs. They're things I want to do, definitely, but they're not creative. It's input, not output. Even when I'm taking in things that are inspiring, I'm not making anything. I mean, I can understand why I don't feel like altering my work pants, but I don't feel like making that pretty skirt I bought the fabric for, or finishing off any paintings. Perhaps it's because I can't convince myself that I'll ever have an occasion to wear the pretty skirt, or that I'll ever do anything as an artist. Perhaps I can't really convince myself that I don't deserve either of these things?
I don't like this! I want to change! Nothing ever happens! I'm really frustrated!
A couple of sources I've seen lately talk about this in terms of connection. If you are truly connected with your art (or whatever it is), you won't have this problem. Working on it every day will come naturally to you. Procrastination is unthinkable. A true foodie would never skip a meal. No-one ever forgets to breathe. You get the point. If you find yourself procrastinating, these sources say, it means you are disconnected from your true creative self. If this is happening, you need to re-connect. It makes a lot of sense to me.
Okay, but how? Most of the sources don't say what to do if you have a day job or two that are sapping all of your energy and leave you with no time to think about things, not to mention colleagues constantly want to chat and won't leave you alone to think even when there is a lull in the work. (That part of me that's still alive is so angry - the game is rigged, TV is opium for the masses, and the capitalist system of work is designed to keep the ordinary person too tired and downtrodden to be able to think of how to change. But I digress ... or do I?)
Right now I'm not able to think of a solution to this problem. All the solutions I've tried so far have failed, either straight away or after a while. There's a video in the creative circle about things you can do while you have a day job. I listened to it once already, but I might listen again today at lunchtime and take notes this time. At least it's something I can do at work which makes me feel like I'm moving closer to ... well, I dunno what I'm moving closer to, but you know, that.
