This morning when I woke up - after the initial lurching into the bathroom and hot, hot shower - I didn't think to myself, "eugh, Monday, a whole five days of work > tired > TV > sleep until it's the weekend again." (Like I normally do!) As I was deciding which earrings would best go with my top, I was thinking, "wow, I wonder what I'm going to create this week? I can't wait!"
Notice a subtle difference? And this morning I decided as well, to make a small change - the sidebar link on my craft blog to this blog currently reads "Body Stuff Blog". I decided to change it to "Body & Mind Blog". Or "Mind & Body Blog", not sure yet. I'm not sure how many people link from my craft blog to here, probably none, I imagine. I'm in two minds about linking them at all - I'm not sure if I want my fairly rational, creative craft blog to be associated with these crazy ramblings! But I'd obviously decided at some point that these 'crazy ramblings' were worth something, otherwise I wouldn't have set up the link in the first place. Right?
Then I had another thought, about my Ralph Plan. [For anyone not familiar with my lingo, in a nutshell it's my weekly list of Things To Do and housework encouragement plan.] Every Monday morning before I start work, I take a few minutes to update and print out my Ralph Plan for the week. Overall, it has been good for me. Ever since I started doing it, I've been less likely to forget important tasks, more aware of the things I need to do for my own wellbeing, and done more housework. (Still not enough! But at least more!) Anyway, I was thinking that maybe I'm being a bit harsh on myself - on a bright, shiny new Monday morning, full of possibilities, the first thing that I present myself with is a big list of serious, Grown Up things to do! Poor me! I should be kinder to myself, make the Ralph List more fun. A source of possibilities rather than a list of grinding chores. I want more fun in my life!
Then when I was on the tram this morning, sipping the coffee that lovely Husband made for me, I was thinking about what I've been writing on the blog lately and other things. Suddenly a thought popped into my head - "I don't suck!" It was like a revelation! I wanted to yell out to everyone on the tram, "Guess what, people? I DON'T SUCK!!!!". The thought of doing that made me want to laugh. I was grinning.
Sometimes I do feel perky and enthusiastic on a Monday morning. But by Monday afternoon I start to feel ground down, the workweek already taking its toll on me. All I feel like doing when I get home is getting changed into my jammies and snuggling into the couch. By Thursday and Friday, I'm so exhausted, that's all I can do.
This time it feels different though. I'm not saying that I won't be tired later in the week. But perhaps I'll be kinder to myself about it. Perhaps I'll use my limited energy to do the things that have been really bugging me for ages, instead of things that distract me but don't mean much. I don't know. It's not really a change in the practicalities, more a change in emphasis. Maybe I'm just imagining things, but I can't help wondering: is this attributable to the Morning Pages? I've been doing them 9 days in a row already. (Yay me, by the way!) In a crazy way, part of me hopes it isn't the Morning Pages that have brought on this change. That it's something that would have happened anyway. In my thinkings this morning, I figured out why - it's because I'm scared I might give up. Like I've given up and failed at so many things before. It's like my brain has this equation etched onto it:
Things Going Well = Therefore = You Must Fail
Well, no! Not this time! I don't want that!
I've been thinking as well - I want to come up with a proper name for that voice in my head, so I can confront it. The voice that's always saying, "You're fat and gross. You're completely hopeless. Everyone's staring at you. You always fail. Your drawing sucks. You gotta lose a lotta weight before you can be happy." etc etc. That voice just doesn't work for me and I want to get rid of it! I'll set aside some spare time to have a brainstorming session. I don't believe that naming something gives it more power, I believe that it makes it easier to confront. Name and shame!
In Other News ...
In other news, I'm hungry! I'd really love some bread. I've been reminiscing about our trip to Europe in 2010 when we went to the sausage sellers near the bridge on the Limmat River in Zurich. You get your choice of 6 different fat, juicy sausage varieties on a paper plate, with a crusty rye bread roll and a generous squeeze of mustard. Those Swiss people really know how to do it!
In fact, now that I think about it, I think one of the reasons I didn't really enjoy my holiday last year was because the food wasn't much chop. I'm so Stomach-Oriented. Ha ha ha.
End of ramble. More updates soon!
