Last week I joined an artists' community. Well, it's more like a collection of e-courses and other useful tools that you can use/do with other creative people, and share your process/findings with them, and which you pay a fee to have access to for a year. "Artists' community" is a lot more succinct, but I can't help feeling like a tool when I say it.
I'm surprised I managed to convince myself I have the time (or money!) for an endeavour like this. Perhaps it was because it was my birthday and I was feeling a bit impulsive. Perhaps because I'd been reading the blog and tried some of the free materials and realised it works the same way my brain works. I'ts the time factor that's the worst -- I'm already a member of the S.S.S., and I don't feel like I contribute "enough" to that.
Speaking of -- I feel really strange about being a member of both communities at the same time. While I was exploring the new community's website, it didn't take long for me to see that there are a lot of similarities between the two. Many of the same concepts are discussed and/or addressed, sometimes in different terms, and sometimes in the same terms. When I think about it logically, it makes sense: both have a similar purpose. Both host people who are dealing with similar issues, and I was attracted to both because of the way they approach things. So it would make sense that they have some cross-over.
I know all that. But it's just.... I feel like I'm betraying the first one in some way. That if I charge too wholeheartedly into the second one, it's like I'm saying the first one isn't good enough somehow. And I really don't believe that. The methods that are used in the S.S.S. have been so helpful for me, and the community of people there, while very few, are wonderfully supportive. I even feel like waxing lyrical: each technique is like a jewel shining with potential. I'd do a lot to defend it and help to keep it going. I want to help it spread to more people who need it.
And yet the second community ... wow! I'm feeling more inspired and ready to embark on [something!] than I have for a long time. I hope I can find a way to use these two marvellous tools in concert with each other.
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Is there are word that mingles confused and discouraged?
I've been trying to find the [whatever it is] I need to start creating art again. I started to feel a little optimistic again after I joined the artists' community last week. But then yesterday, I came across works by an artist who inspired me very much, but I also felt very discouraged. Inspired because the type of work she does is admired and respected: the colours, themes and media. It's very similar to what I want to do (except for perhaps the media), and I'd been worried that what I wanted to do wouldn't be acceptable. Her example showed me that that's not the case.
So why am I so discouraged? Because someone else thought of it first, they're doing it more successfully, and they're doing it better. I can hear the chorus of hissing and snorts of disgust ... the monsters can't wait to tell me exactly what they think...
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I suppose I could talk about my new job and how that's affected my life, but I guess I didn't want to talk about that today.
