I don't mean to brag, but I'm used to being fairly competent. It's partly because, as a reasonably intelligent person, I'm good at picking up concepts fairly quickly. But it's also partly because - I have to admit - I have a tendency to avoid things if I think they're going take too long to learn, or are outside my range of skills. For example, I'm interested in linguistics, but only up to the point where they start going on about diacritical dipthongs and other concepts it'll take too long to learn about. If I read a knitting pattern and it seems too complicated, I'll leave it be. And post-modern philosophy .... phew-wee! In other words, if I can't do something well enough/quickly enough to satisfy my perfectionism, it's generally out. I can't stand that feeling of not knowing what I'm doing. I've stuck in jobs that weren't right for me for years, because the thought of being presented with a new set of tasks that I might not be able to master, was just too scary. Don't get me wrong, I'm not averse to learning new things, not at all! But I like to be somewhat reassured that I'm going to be able to do/understand them well before I start. If I start to learn something and I realise that it's probably going to take a long time to learn how to do it well, then I usually give up. Even worse, there are things I've wanted to learn but, thinking that I may not be good at them straight away, never even tried. So, as you can imagine, the idea of something being a practice, where you're never guaranteed to be perfect, or even very good at all, is extremely daunting to me. Being a logical sort of person, I need to be able to say, "I understand this concept" or "I learned how to do that, and now I can do it". It needs to be black and white. Yeah, it's a personality flaw, I guess!
I decided to make a list of things throughout my life that I've given up on/never started for this reason. I nearly jumped out of bed in the middle of the night to do it! But I forced myself to try and get to sleep and think on it more in the morning. (Not quite Scarlett O'Hara style, but you get the drift!)
* drawing & painting
* fiction writing
* writing zines
* yoga, tai chi
* calisthenics, 10BX
* languages (various)
* finishing off various craft projects (e.g. sewing together pieces; framing embroideries)
* penpalling (not being good enough when someone else is expecting things from me, would make me feel 1,000 times as bad!)
* playing the piano, drums, flute, etc.
* origami and other crafts
* tapdancing, bellydancing
* and, well, just changing in general (I'm referring to my attempt a few months ago to read the book 168 Hours and apply it to my life)
I'm sure there are more.
I suppose what started me in ruminating about all this was Journal GIrl's latest art-journalling newsletter. She talks a lot in general about overcoming perfectionism and banishing your Inner Critic. My Inner Critic is the one I call Negative Nancy. (Though I don't really feel comfortable with that label - I feel sorry for all actual women called Nancy out there! so perhaps I should come up with a different name?) In the latest newsletter there are 5 tips on extending your art, and one of them is to view art-journalling as a daily practice. I don't know what the word is when something makes you suddenly and unexpectedly think about things, but that's what happened to me when I read that! I know of course that artists work on their art every day, to experiment, improve their technique and deepen their expression. But it never occurred to me to view my own semi-regular daubings as a 'practice'. Yes, I have been art-journalling a lot lately. And yes, I've been experimenting with new, more complicated techniques and trying to develop deeper themes. Does that mean I've been practicing??
Cool.
This must have gotten me thinking about some of the other types of activities labelled as 'practices' that I've been too hesistant to bring into my life. I've been meaning to start up yoga again for years. I'll do it once a week for a couple of weeks, then when I'm not as stretchy as I'd like, I just can't be bothered anymore. I haven't even tried at all for about a year. I'm also very interested in Tai Chi. I have a really good book about it, which I taught myself the first 2 moves from. Then guess what happened? Nothing! It was years ago, so I don't quite remember why I gave up. I think it may have been because I didn't do it often enough, and I kept forgetting the next move. Of course, this is why daily practice (or at least several times a week) is so important to be really good at something! I hear about Chinese martial arts masters, Japanese sushi chefs, etc., who practice their craft every day for 20 years, and are only just starting to be considered proficient. I admire them very much, but on the other hand, in the words of the great Homer Simpson, "I want it nooooooowwwwwww!" I'm so totes Generation Y. ;)
Anyway, after weighing up the pros and cons of yoga vs. tai chi (which I won't go into now cos this post is already much longer than intended!), the upshot is that I've taken up Tai Chi. I've also determined to drink at least one cup of green tea a day. It's only Day 1, so perhaps I'm being over-optimistic in declaring that. Many people say that stating your intent in starting something new makes you more likely to continue with it. In my case, it just makes me hate myself even more when I give up. I just really hope I don't give this up like I
I'll write more once I have a better idea of how it's going.